chaosintended - Tumblr blog

[chaosintended]

im jesus

[chaosintended]

dunkin donuts more like dick in donuts. lol.

[chaosintended]

[chaosintended]

I hate the “open floor plan” that everyone is obsessed with in houses now. I want nooks and crannies and bizarre floor plans. I don’t need to be able to see what someone is doing on the other side of the house. I want places to hide and lurk and dwell in the shadows. I am the beast who awaits in the labyrinth

[chaosintended]

When I was a kid my family pretended to get raptured so I would think I was left behind on earth while they all went to heaven.

I was like 8 years old and my sister and mom had gotten really into the Left Behind novels (bible fan fic about the rapture). In the books when the rapture happened the clothes that people were wearing when they got raptured were left behind in neatly folded piles.

One day when I was getting home from school my family decided that they would leave piles of neatly folded clothes around the house, and then hide in the basement.

The intended effect was that I would get home and see the clothes then, think that my family had been raptured and that I wasn’t good enough to get into heaven… or something?

The problem was that I had never read these books, and didn’t really think about the rapture very often. There was no reason that I would see some laundry on the floor and think “The rapture happened and I’ve been abandoned by God! I’ll never see my family again!! Oh nooo!!!!”

I just sat down and watched cartoons and eventually my family got bored and revealed that they were all hiding in the basement.

It’s a good thing I didn’t understand the joke, otherwise that shit would have been traumatic.

[chaosintended]

I have been so depressed lately I haven’t been able to post any sturgeons but I saw this on the Great Lakes aquarium Instagram his name is CRACKERS he is a BELUGA STURGEON they are TARGET TRAINING HIM so that he can eventually enter a sling comfortably to get his checkups!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE IS A HOOP GENIUS!!!! GENUIS AT GOING THROUGH A HOOP!!!!!!!!

[chaosintended]

you came back wrong and i am racked with guilt because i cannot bear to see you like this and i should have let you rest. i loved you so much that i defied death itself but i do not think either of us are happy

[chaosintended]

…so I tried pairing some house centipedes to observe their mating behavior, and picked a very large old male that must be 6 or 7 years old and a younger but very large female. everything seemed to be going well with the courtship dance but when the male tried to produce a spermatophore to offer it came out wonky and he fled the corner to hide. I found him dead today.. died of embarrassment I guess

rest in peace Old Moseley glad you got one last dance in even if it killed you (?)

[chaosintended]

when doctors ask if i have any history of cancer in my family and i have to say that yes my grandmother had 2 types of gastrointestinal cancer and they're like oh wow okay so we'll keep an eye out for that but i'm like no it was probably just all the nuclear radiation and they're like ok hm ok what the fuck do you mean and it's very weird seeing the look on american doctors' faces when you have to explain to them that believe it or not atomic bombs were dropped on this earth 2 generations ago and it did have consequences

[chaosintended]

i hate when i send someone a meme in another language and they're like "uhm... translate? 😒" fucker i sent you a meme where 90% of the words have an english cognate and/or you don't need to know what they're saying to find it funny. can you at least TRY

[chaosintended]

[chaosintended]

just now connected that all of camp half-blood watched percy turn down immortality for annabeth. in front of the twelve olympians. mind you. no wonder they were waiting in the wings for them. they knew the kiss was only an hour away lol

[chaosintended]

my favorite genre of homoeroticism is when they’re mutually attracted to one another’s most gruesome and morally questionable traits & amplify them by partaking in never-ending elaborate mind games and becoming wholly engulfed by them (no one succeeds at the task like hannibal lecter and will graham do)

[chaosintended]

Bro balls collection part 1

[chaosintended]

If I walk into a Subway and ask them to make me a grilled cheese, do you think they’d do it?

[chaosintended]

irl tumblr meetup with the mutual circle but no one says what their url is so u have to guess who is who

[chaosintended]

When people get a little too gung-ho about-

wait. cancel post. gung-ho cannot be English. where did that phrase come from? China?

ok, yes. gōnghé, which is…an abbreviation for “industrial cooperative”? Like it was just a term for a worker-run organization? A specific U.S. marine stationed in China interpreted it as a motivational slogan about teamwork, and as a commander he got his whole battalion using it, and other U.S. marines found those guys so exhausting that it migrated into English slang with the meaning “overly enthusiastic”.

That’s…wild. What was I talking about?