chapelpunisher - Tumblr blog

[chapelpunisher]

hi ive decided im abandoning this blog unless for some weird reason i decide to return idk. theres too many memories here that hurt too much to keep around but i cant find myself to delete them. may this be an archive of a part of my life that i no longer have, and will never have again.

im sorry.

good bye.

[chapelpunisher]

hey sorry not that it rlly effects anything since i dont really have a lot of interaction on this blog anymore but um. i guess i need to say im going on an indefinite hiatus on most my social media, mostly so i can do some better healing since i think even after a month i am still deeply wounded by something that in turn became a self sabotage plot. im not proud of my behavior the last 4 months, and am going to take this time to work on parts of myself that i feel like i need to pay more attention to.

theres many factors to all of this, such as my mental health in general the last 4 months have not been entirely the best partially because of starting testosterone and not being proactive in caring for my mental health before it started to get bad again. another big part is having internalized self hatred of a part of myself ive finally come to terms with. lastly, trauma resurfacing that has made me distant and cold.

unfortunately, my brain still keeps trying to convince me things will be okay again but not the way i need it, rather a way id want it to be. so, to avoid making things even worse for myself (though not sure how much more worse i could be after all of this) im just going to try and be happy, let myself metabolize and process everything.

im very much struggling to feel tolerable, but thats no fault to anyone but myself. and i find even when im having an okay time and doing things i love, still having a hard time letting go. i feel like i am a bad person a lot of the time and that ultimately i deserve everything that has happened to me in the last 4 months. so for that, i believe it is time i just work on healing, and learn to be more kinder to myself in terms of internalized stuff.

its hard, some days i feel like i dont care anymore but then it all comes back to me and i ache. and i yearn. and i make up stupid scenarios in my head only to really just hurt myself more. i wish i could be different and show that its not me but a part of me that im going to keep in check and fix so that everyone can see im trying to get better for myself and everyone i care about. i dont think i can bring myself to hate anyone, or to think badly of them through all of this but rather see that they did what they could and cant be my people after all.

i would also like to just apologize if anyone has seen my insane behavior the past month, and i hope that i will never get that bad again in hopes that this time away will help me mental health wise.

tldr; i hurt people closest to me and caused them to leave, decided to stay off social media for awhile, trying to focus on doing better and healing so future relationships that may come up wont end as badly as this one that of course is no fault but my own.

[chapelpunisher]

Ellen Hopkins

[chapelpunisher]

Summer dream ghost 🌈💀

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Starry moon ghost, reaper of dreams ⭐️🌙💀

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05.21 - “Strange things are carried on the wind in the plains”

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This game’s been on my mind… 💕

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Twitter's dead. here i come~

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Some termina contestants.

Yes this is my current obsession :P

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$$60,000,000,000

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2023

🥲💔

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I'm actually a new type of faggot they're testing out

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Cowboys are frequently, secretly, fond of each other

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ok hiatus over that was wild.

[chapelpunisher]

blease... i'm pegging you....