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Things Pilot has done well on in the past year:

Flexible work hours

Hiring

Social traditions: holiday gifts, pub quiz, snack delivery, birthday cakes, social justice talks, meet and greets, blm channel/donation-cards, 

Things Pilot has not met:

Extra benefits for pandemic: more PTO, home office stipend, meal stipend, snacks/team meals, virtual-friendly social events

No promotions, raises, or bonuses

Bottom line: no action regarding pandemic stress or burnout.

Things Pilot could be doing without organizational changes:

One extra co holiday per month or 1 extra week PTO

Occasional virtual team lunches, paid by Pilot

Virtual social events, paid by Pilot

Pay bump

Increased resilience benefit

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putting self-care to practice

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Perhaps I am a void

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I don’t know if this is paradise or the loneliest place in the world.

Still the chaos; urban, human, business as usual.

Forced into nature; but comfortably so.

In my head I know this is paradise and spoils by design.

In my heart it feels wrong and it rattles me so.

I’ve snuck away from my friends and pushed away the one I wish would stay.

Loneliness, it’s just you and me again. Often. Persistent. You won’t leave my side; you pursue me with passion.

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It’s 2020.

March 8th 2pm: Pilot announces we’ll pick up equipment next day and wfh rest of week.

March 9th afternoon: I decide to leave Palo Alto next morning.

March 10th morning: Drive from Palo Alto to LA to stay with Chris.

March 11th morning: Drive from LA to Tucson.

March 11th night: Arrive home, argue with parents about covid precautions and my plans. Decide to book a flight asap to NYC. Leaves email to super and movers to push up move (same day seemed infeasible, so 3/13.) Sleep a few hours. Repack everything from car mode to plane mode.

March 12th super dead early morning: Fly to NYC. Get new apartment keys, borrow air mattress from Nick, sleep in really cold and empty apartment alone.

March 13th: Head to Nick’s to pack things up for the movers. Movers don’t show up within expected window, call and find out they didn’t think I’d confirmed, would send out a crew.

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I’m not sure if I’ve outgrown passion and lust but I want him more than I’ve wanted passion.

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I'm here again. A blank wall, shit everywhere--"just moved in." Do you hear that exhale-sigh?

A racing excitement for something new, the unknown, a blank canvas to throw stuff at. A gnawing panic of being alone, making the wrong choices, failure, loneliness, there's not much to the worry but it persists.

We'll clean, we'll throw ourselves into new sights, new faces, new conversations, we'll figure it out. Me and me.

I'm an emotional child. I can't imagine a world without music, laughter, sunshine, my mom and dad, my brothers, people. Life.

I'm struggling so much to process death and sickness these days.

Is life just the moment so in between living where we feel alive? Is life the collection of every experience I've had alive? Is this it?

I'm torn about whether I should distance myself from people or hold them closer yet. Can I be brave enough to love others when I know my heart will ache when they can no longer be with me? If I push them away, what's the meaning behind my own life? Am I made just to love and be loved?

That sounds like the life I want. Let me live it.

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Thinking about what parts of engineering I enjoy. Most--myself included--enjoy problem solving, continual learning, and financial stability. But that doesn’t narrow it down to what you want to apply it to.

I think... the crux of it is something I can tangibly interact with (that’s fun for most).

I liked the ideas of robots, cars, graphic design; I like handcrafting things; I’ve always been attracted to touching/observing sparkly, textured, weird things. Visuals are very important to me. But touch, and the feeling of power in big machines or the delicate nature of finely cut paper--is important as well.

I do enjoy thinking deeply and abstractly about things occasionally but usually only when applied to something I can observe.

I’m not sure if my conclusion is true yet. Maybe I just get bored easily.

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2020

Highlights:

Dating Michael

Rescuing Nori

Moving to NYC

Kelly’s engagement and wedding

Visiting Hawaii and Puerto Rico

Surfing, scuba diving, and snorkeling

Buying the car I wanted

Cross-country road trip and seeing my family!

Spending time with Michael’s family, getting to try kayaking, paddle boarding, and going on their boat on the lake

Best Christmas ever!

Working out, vinyasa yoga, getting abs, biking

Having incredible friendships. Molly ❤️ and so many to name

Cabin trips (Poconos, Fire Island, Rhinebeck)

Reading: Kelsey’s books, The Glass Castle, Where the Crawdads Sing, The Ninth House, Trevor Noah’s book

Sarah’s visit at the beginning of the year and still getting to visit her in Detroit

Recreational bucket list

Threesome!

Furnishing and decorating my apartment

Buying my Cricut

Lowlights:

Getting dumped and spending most of the year getting over it

The really shitty stressful string of navigating a personal request to work remotely, finding an apartment across the country, moving from Sunnyvale to Airbnb and NY, moving from Nick’s apartment to mine, selling my car, and then moving abruptly between sheltering orders, freaking out about getting basic supplies and food after moving, not being able to find a roommate

Living absolutely alone for months and paying a lot in rent (pro: being able to afford my rent)

Not being able to buy more clorox wipes

Tinder/Hinge 🙄

Acknowledging and working through anxiety and depressive disorders

Some really fucking shitty projects at work. The Learned Detector initial work and then later the refactor.

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Things that I tell people I want:

Community. Steady, tight-knit group of friends and resourceful social network. Feeling like I belong somewhere, having an outlet for nurturing others

Adventure. Travel, trying everything once, getting lost/exploring, meeting new people.

Job with good pay, work-life balance, challenging tasks, cooperative/like-minded team dynamics.

To save up lots of money. To take care of my parents and relatives.

To find a partner to be with for the rest of my life and to start my own family earlier.

Things that I know I want, but are probably not fully thought-through and confronted:

My family to tell me they’re proud of me, they know I work hard and I’m doing my best, and that they support my decisions.

My mom to hear me and understand me for once.

To believe that somebody could love me for everything that I am.

To feel spoiled and special.

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To Kelly, on your wedding day

I can’t believe this day is here!!!

I am immensely grateful and joyful to see where you are today. Not just because you’re getting married TODAY. But since I first met you, you’ve come such a long way.

For a year, we were both hustling to get a career going, far away from family and friends, and so fortuitously living together! You left a memorable impression. Even though you’d only met my family briefly, Chris Chan asked, “What’s wrong with her? Why is she so nice?” LOL. You were so busy with clinicals, part-time work, and nursing school. I barely saw you around, but you left me a box of birthday gifts in front of my door before you left for work. You’d only known me for about a month, and it meant so much to me.

I watched you work SO hard. You poured your own heart into your patients’ and colleagues’ lives. I witnessed you struggle time and time again. At times, it was a difficult shift; other times, it was a big hurdle that ate up months of dedication and planning each time (like the NCLEX...) But you always picked yourself up and kept trying and trying. Now you’re a successful nurse at Northwestern, rotating through roles/units/schedules as you want, for FOUR years!

You’re a little bubble of big energy Kelly. You love intensely and you make anybody’s day brighter. You proudly show off photos and stories of your loved ones. Your grandma was one of your dearest and so special to you. I know how deeply her experiences inspired you to pursue nursing. I’m so sorry for your loss this year. I believe she’s in a better place and filled with so much pride and joy for you. Undoubtedly, you will continue to celebrate her life through your dedication and remembrance.

Thank you for sharing your family with me. We’ve spent so much time with each other’s families that we’re beyond just self-declared-sisters, we’re family. Moreover, you gave me a home and made me feel secure and loved in a time when I was really alone. You stayed by my side as I grew and tried on a number of bold decisions. I’ve never known a bond like ours, maybe because I’ve never had a sister (biological or sorority ;)). But from what I hear, I think it’s because we’re TWINsters <3

We bonded over familiar upbringing, experiencing disappointment and hurt from both family and the church. When we met, you were taking some space from both. Despite the challenges, you returned home and you found a healthy balance living in Chicago in your own place, but still close to family. You re-opened your heart to a church family, and I’m so pleased to see they have been a genuinely warm and accepting community. It gives me much hope to see you in such good hands. The way everyone has supported you and Chris in this wedding alone is incredible! Outside of spiritual matters, they are a network of reliable friends. That’s critical for a people-loving spirit like yourself.

Now, I’m always going to have a special place in your heart, but I’m thrilled for you to have found your forever-partner. Someone to share a very special intimate part of who you are with and all your future plans with. You will continue to care for your people. But now you will need to foster and cherish your other half everyday! And don’t neglect your own half either! Chris will certainly care for you but remember it is your responsibility to take care of yourself.

I am so excited for you two. I see how happy you make one another, and as simple as it sounds, it’s a difficult thing to find! You’ve had a challenging history with romantic relationships. It’s something I watched you apply your tenacity to but still, it’s hard watching you get hurt. We both know how drastically different Chris is from your past partners. Let’s just say... this one, I like. Seriously though, cherish and celebrate what a special man you have by your side and your beautiful relationship.

Enjoy the silly things, the small things; express gratitude for the unspoken but meaningful, big things you do for one another. Grow individually, side-by-side, and as one.

You’re about to embark on a new chapter in your life, Mrs. Shin-to-be!

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July 20 2020

2:45pm: I don’t hear you come in until the door shuts behind you even though you announced yourself. I didn’t expect you til 3 at least. Shit. I had just started attempting to write down my thoughts about you. You sit at my bed to cool off; you immediately notice I’m a little off. I’m panicking. I tell you it’s because I didn’t sleep well the night before. You bring in your Levain-style cookies (chocolate pb because they’re my favorite and some oatmeal chocolate chip because they’re your favorite!), telling me you have a little something to perk me up 😭 As soon as you dip out to run your errands, I panic message Jenifer & Beef.

3:45pm: you’re back working near me; I can’t focus at all on my work. You once again comment on how weird I’m acting. Thank God Steve wants to have a call. I insist on taking it in the living room. Then I have the longest, hottest, most useless Product Team meeting. After your own 4pm meeting, you’re prepping in the kitchen. At some point, you bring me a bowl of freshly cut pineapple and washed cherries 😭 this was super touching. It literally reminded me of my mom (and Kelly and really all the mom figures in my life). My team meeting drags on, and you stop by to try to coax Nori out of my hairs. You give up and take my empty bowl back to the kitchen 😭

5:30pm: my meeting is over and I’ve mentally put a hard stop on work. Time to focus on you. We cuddle a bit and talk about what we’re getting at Jollibee’s, walk there together holding hands, snuggle some more waiting for food, walk back holding hands. I’m enjoying it so much--wondering if this will be the last time we ever do this and considering just hiding my feelings forever. Maybe it’s worth it to stay friends and savor these small moments. We enjoy our dinner, and before we move to make drinks, I ask if we could cuddle. You happily oblige and I check to see if you’re happy and if I could burst your bubble. You’d already asked what was on mind that was keeping me up all night... so here it went. Wow where do I start, what do I say? “It’s you. I like you.” You say you like me too. “No I mean I like you as more than friends.” You mean it the same way, you like me, you’re so glad I brought it up, you’ve been thinking about it a lot too, and I’m not alone in how I’m feeling/doing. I’m in disbelief and so fucking relieved. I’m not sure how to act. 

Your concerns were similar to mine: is it too soon, are either/both of us ready for another relationship? Mine was whether this was something you actually want--you do. You want more. You want something serious. I have some high demands and don’t want to impose them on you--you think we want the same things in life, and just maybe the timelines are a little different but we can work together to figure it out. You ask if I want to date? Yes! Of course. This is what I want. This is what you want. Unbelievable.

Before 2:45pm: (I never finished writing this, giving a rough summary on 12/9/20) I recall freaking out. Since Sunday morning, when I woke up and realized, “shit, I like Michael.” I called all my best friends. Nobody seemed surprised. I barely slept the night before. 1. I was confused about when/how I felt--at what point did I truly start liking him? Because it certainly developed over time; there was no single event that flipped my mind. How did I not know better about myself? 2. I was terrified of losing our friendship. Nothing could be the same now that I knew how I felt. Yet he was my anchor this year, and I felt terribly alone thinking about losing him.

Now that it’s nearly 5 months later, I’m still terrified of losing him; but I’m more excited about the possibilities of what we may pursue together and I’ve worked on my safety net--my mentality and friendships--since.

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an important self realization

Allowing yourself to want something, to like things, to like people... makes you vulnerable.

^this hit me when I thought back to the night of Halloween* when Molly asked me if I could stay the night with her. It was an earnest, big request, and she implored more than once. I’m familiar with the loneliness and hurt she’s endured--especially this year. And I’m even more familiar with the sensation of not wanting someone to leave you. I realized, wanting someone to stay makes you vulnerable to pain only you can be responsible for, and conveying that to them makes you vulnerable to pain that is not fully in your control.

I don’t know why I have abandonment and trust issues.

*10/31/2020: Molly hosts a party with me, Michael, Felipe, and Oscar. It’s a wild time--we go all out on our costumes, decorations, themed food/drinks. We imbibe, let loose, undress, take polaroids, manage strip beer pong, and party. I recall being there from about 6pm to 3am. I needed to pack the next morning for 6 weeks in Chicago, and Oscar and I would leave that afternoon.

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It’s thursday 9/17/20. And it’s already been a really difficult week.

Sunday night, we broke up for an hour or so? Right after planning out all the details of our arduous road trip to Tucson. A heartbreaking, terrifying night. We’re both glad we didn’t break up but we did decide to take some space in the near future. So inevitably, a part of me feels like we’re just procrastinating the end of such an incredible relationship; and the worst part is losing my best friend. I just don’t know what to do with this.

Wednesday, my 1:1 was the usual confirmation that the company isn’t going to address any of my persisting grievances PLUS learning about how leadership has lost confidence in me and has been questioning if I’m even working. I hate everything.

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Michael

I will be here to help you through this period in your life. It may be short; you may just need a helping hand launching you back out into the waves, so you can surf them. (The waves, your unfolding story with Elaine.)

We may simply be taking reprieve in the comfort and safety of each other’s arms for now. Until one of us finds someone entirely new.

Or,

This may be the seedling of a fulfilling, lifelong relationship--that is, ours. (Mine... we know that’s all I’ve ever wanted.)

Only time will tell; and I promise to be here to hold your hand through this time.

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Life is too short, too uncertain

to not love what’s in front of you.

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There’s an entire lifetime in the 2020 pandemic.

It’s short, it’s limited. But you choose where, who, and how you live day-to-day. 

You’re in control for once, because the world is not--it never has been but these days it’s deprived itself of any familiarity and stability you didn’t realize was a privilege til now.

The world has pushed you into a small realm of possibility--but it is yours

To define

To create

To survive

You will continue to mourn and feel the loss of everything you had known.

You will continue to be shaken at new developments in the world because nobody has ever taught you to cope with this.

You may lose hope, purpose; you may feel lost, angry, hurt, depressed; you may forget what it is to love, to touch.

..

Who do you choose to share your lifetime with?