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good things from today:

seeing No Other Land w my hippie grandma at the discount movie theater and eating movie theater popcorn

doing laundry for free at my parents house

rice and pulled pork for lunch

taking hot butch pics

planning my artist book more

Watching videos of my younger self and crying for how much I miss her and how much I’ve grown and evolved

holding softness for this home I’ve had for my whole life where I can come and do my laundry and pet the dogs and the bathroom door will always close the same way.

making a pack of collage scraps for a family friend who used to babysit me

Doing three weeks of laundry, folding half of it, putting it away.

washing my sheets and putting them back on my bed

having a much deserved orgasm in my clean sheets

feeling hot and horny and cute for the first time in a while

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Okokokokok deleting the Tumblr.com app for a bit and writing things more in my journal, I think. These are inside thoughts. We’ll see if I stick to that but yknowwww ♥️

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I’m doing the lorde’s work (I care for myself the way I used to care about you)

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how to deal with going from talking to someone every day to reverting to basically strangers:

don’t build them up in your head and idolize them as more than another human being. take off the rose colored glasses.

talk to new people and be open to being vulnerable again.

slowly learn to enjoy the time you spend with yourself.

write down things you want to say to them but can’t and just keep them for yourself to go over later.

go places you used to go to with them and make new memories.

be patient with yourself.

remind yourself that some relationships aren’t meant to last but that doesn’t mean you have to forget them completely.

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the world is low key my oyster idegaf

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The things I’m taking with me from this relationship:

Knowing that eggs can go on rice and it’s like a meal

It’s weird that white people walk around neighborhoods aimlessly

I love an inside joke/bit. That’s a bit of me. Just rockin it. They’re associated.

I am going to carry our language with me and it’ll find its way into conversations and exclaimations and diary entries just as it does now. I will always think of her when something pops up, a “fucking hell,” “Jesus Christ,” “that’s on me,” “that’s between you and your Jesus,” (I’ll think of more and add them, I want them written down somewhere.)

There are so many good movies out there.

Heartstopper is really fucking good.

Jersey Shore is pretty good.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. I am not selfish for setting them, I’m selfish when I dont set them/communicate them and I’m not honest with myself or others about what I need/want.

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Merry Christmas

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Made myself a smoothie and had cake for breakfast! Journaled!

Wrote my penpal!

Didnt get fined for leaving the stove on and causing my upstairs neighbor to think there was a gas leak! Didnt get gas poisoning (I think that’s a thing??)

Listened to more Dominic Fike!

Stimmed really visibly and vocally a couple times in front of other people!

Had a leftover breadstick from a place from my childhood (Broder’s), still tasted just as good as I remember.

Gave myself grace and softness, held my hands to my chest and remembered to breathe.

Good things from today:

I got to see my best friend and catch up with them and talk them through their breakup a bit. They watched me letterpress and helped me clean the press! We sang P!NK songs and ate Indian food and donuts!

I got back on the presses for the first time in over a month! Not a successful printing day (something was off w the tympan so I called it quits a couple hours in) but it still felt good to get my hands dirty. I also tried a different press than usual!

I wore my letterpress sweatshirt that I made myself and it felt so good to wear something I’d made! I think I need to do this more often….!

I worked on the next shop decor project (spring theme, think flowers and sprouts and rainbows and butterflies and clouds and raindrops)! I’m so excited with how it’s coming together!

I talked to the building manager (my old boss) today and caught up a bit/got the inside tea!

I hugged my very favorite coworker!

I got to talk to one of my unofficial mentors/people I look up to/artists in my orbit and talk about being human and also talk technical boxmaking!

I got an orange peeler from the wedge a couple days ago and I got to use it on my oranges today and they were so sweet and tasty and the rinds came out so perfect!

[charliebraincharliebrain]

Good things from today:

I got to see my best friend and catch up with them and talk them through their breakup a bit. They watched me letterpress and helped me clean the press! We sang P!NK songs and ate Indian food and donuts!

I got back on the presses for the first time in over a month! Not a successful printing day (something was off w the tympan so I called it quits a couple hours in) but it still felt good to get my hands dirty. I also tried a different press than usual!

I wore my letterpress sweatshirt that I made myself and it felt so good to wear something I’d made! I think I need to do this more often….!

I worked on the next shop decor project (spring theme, think flowers and sprouts and rainbows and butterflies and clouds and raindrops)! I’m so excited with how it’s coming together!

I talked to the building manager (my old boss) today and caught up a bit/got the inside tea!

I hugged my very favorite coworker!

I got to talk to one of my unofficial mentors/people I look up to/artists in my orbit and talk about being human and also talk technical boxmaking!

I got an orange peeler from the wedge a couple days ago and I got to use it on my oranges today and they were so sweet and tasty and the rinds came out so perfect!

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@keeleyshawart

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Thinking about this again, how relationships have ups and downs and ebbs and flows and how they’re beautiful and messy and imperfect and filled with grief and love and it’s there if you just let yourself feel the things and tell people how you’re feeling. I’ve avoided that for so long- knowingly and unknowingly

Feeling very “love is a kaleidoscope” rn- how my relationships evolve and shift into different, equally beautiful things and pockets of care and community.

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I do not wish I was different. I am doing the best I can. I am excited to continue to grow and evolve into the best version of myself, but I do not wish I was a fundamentally different person because then I wouldn’t be me.

Someone in the meeting today said our identity is constructed by our experiences and our environment; my identity is, for better or for worse, constructed around my abandonment wound. This means I love and feel things very deeply, which makes loss and grief feel especially difficult and makes the happy feelings all the more joyful and all consuming.

I am glad to be who I am. I’m not going to change that for anyone. I am going to get better at processing it and communicating, but I am not going to change who I am or apologise for it. I will apologise for causing harm, but I am not going to apologise for who I am.