charlotte--lennox

[charlotte--lennox]

003.

I have “therapy,” kind of, every other Friday. I put therapy in quotes bc it’s sessions with my psychiatrist and it’s more of a kind of check-in thing than getting deep into real, like, DBT or something like that. I don’t have the emotional energy for anything more than that, tbh, so I’m good with it. 

The thing is, though, is that whenever the appointment comes around, I find myself dreading it bc I just feel like I have nothing to say. “How are the meds working?” “Fine.” “How is your anxiety?” “About the same.” “How is your depression?” “About the same.” “Anything in particular going on that’s stressful?” “Not really, just the general trash fire of life (politics, financial stress, fucking covid, etc).” And onward.  

(Cut for length and nonsense)

I guess the problem is that I have stagnated, and I’m aware that I have stagnated, but it’s like I don’t want to fix it? For example, I am lonely. I spend all of my time either at work or at home with my cat. I “socialize” with my coworkers during the workday and on facebook, and I talk to my mom every few days, and I have maybe three actual friends, none of whom live near me. Needless to say, I don’t really have a lot of opportunities to not be lonely. 

But at the same time, my alone time is so valuable to me bc I need it to recharge. I’m an introvert. My job requires me to be “on” all the time, whether it’s talking to students or engaging with coworkers or whatever the case may be, so by the time I go home, I don’t want to talk to anyone or be near anyone. It’s like I get sensory overload, but with people, and if I’m stretched beyond my limit I’ll spiral down into anxiety and frustration and just general not-happiness. I might even cry. 

On top of that, my social anxiety is pretty significant, still. So I don’t have friends/people to get together with, and even if I did, I wouldn’t want to because it would cut into my precious, limited alone time, and even if I did decide to sacrifice a few hours, I have no idea what I’d even do. 

So I maintain the status quo and nothing changes and “about the same” is my response when my psychiatrist asks me how things are going and how I’m feeling. It’s a vicious cycle. 

That’s one barrier, but another barrier is that sometimes I think I use all of these excuses to not get out of my comfort zone because the idea of interacting with people and getting to know them and whatnot just feels excruciating bc I am weird. 

Like, it goes down like this: When I first meet someone, my demeanor is completely stiff and on-edge. I can’t help it. I don’t sound like myself, and I don’t say a lot of things I might otherwise say, and I fake-smile too much, and I just feel so awkward. Then I go home and overthink/roast myself for how awkward I was. 

As I get to know the person, I tend to relax bit by bit, but it’s a slow process and I never entirely feel 100% comfortable and myself. It’s like - I can’t believe I’m going to do this lmfaooo - it’s like I’m an artichoke, and the layers are being pulled away one at a time, very slowly, and the real, genuine me is at the core but most people get frustrated and give up before reaching it bc it’s so much easier to just peel an orange. And I get frustrated, too, with myself. And then maybe someone else comes along, and the process starts all over again. 

Very few people ever reach the core, for the record. 

And the thing is that I keep all of those frustrating, awkward layers in place bc at the core, I just genuinely do not like myself. I don’t like how I look, I don’t like how I sound, I don’t like how I think, I don’t like what I say, I don’t like anything. It’s like it’s embarrassing to exist, and at least if I’m isolated by “choice,” that’s less people I’m embarrassing myself around just by virtue of being a person. 

^^ and this is the kinda thing I should probably tell my psychiatrist, but she’s only like one layer in and, like, she don’t know me like that. 

I think this is why I take so much to tumblr - not just the anonymity of it, but bc I get to skip all of those layers and just be myself, for the most part. This awkward, weird, flaily, kinda stupid, rambly, occasionally funny, Loki obsessed garbage can of a person is the core, baby. And I can walk away from it at any time. 

So, yeah. In conclusion, I like to think that I am doing well with my mental health but, while I am doing better than I have been in the past (I’ve been way worse than this; like, on a scale of 1-10, I know what a 9 looks like and all of this is like a 4.5, tops), I’m still not doing that great and it’s like I am my own biggest obstacle to fixing that. And idk how to work around that obstacle so, yknow, fuck me I guess. 

[charlotte--lennox]

psa

I noticed I gained a few followers recently, which, welcome! Just a friendly request to please not reblog anything posted here. I use this sideblog as a personal journal and seeing something I post here reblogged is intensely uncomfortable. Thank you for understanding!