charpository24

[charpository24]

My ex-partner found out I'm on Hinge.

I'm pretty freaked out about it. A lot led up to make me feel this way or think these thoughts, but earlier I was driving after walking out on my bible study group and a huge part of me wanted to wrap myself around the incoming lampposts or trees. Though I already texted my friend I'd be coming over.

So, I'm safe.

It's 11:36 pm so I don't really know how much detail I'm gonna get into or how sound I'm gonna be, but whatever. Here goes.

How did it all go down?

PART 1:

> show up to bible study

> two members come in, they're tense about something

> one of them is ex-partner's protective cousin and used to be my bff, heavy shit there

> atmosphere is kind of uncomfortable

> ex comes in

> conversation is happening, generally lighthearted but I'm internally freaking out cause he's avoiding eye contact and ignoring me

> I'm an anxious genius so of course I'm stewing.

> I finally just speak up and throw a "I'm sorry, I have to go"

> leave.

PART 2:

> I'm getting into my car and I saw that ex has run after me, door is open and he + cousin comes to check on me.

> TALK TLDR:

cousin:

- we're here for you

- how can we help

bf:

- wants to talk with me privately

PART 3:

> ex gets into car with me

> TALK TLDR:

- r u ok

- he's ok, some days good some days bad.

- he wasn't avoiding eye contact cause he hated me, just unsure what to do

- found out from someone that I was on hinge.

-> can't police me, ofc it threw him but he's worried I might continue my toxic relationship cycle again

- I explain I'm not looking for a relationship. Just did it cause I technically could.

- do you love me still? miss me?

- maybe there will be a second chance in the future? -> (I do not confirm this.)

- are you in anguish cause you regret breaking up with me and miss the relationship? -> no

- why? -> I feel like a horrible person (more on that later)

- can we hug? -> sigh

-> hug is long. there's something behind it. he loves me still and I can feel it.

PART 4:

> I ask if I can leave. I don't want to go back to the bible study group after exiting so abruptly.

> exits the car with another hug.

> impaired driving (CRYING)

> drive to bestie -> talk -> pet stupid dog -> fill gas -> profit

---

Here are some thoughts.

- I'm feeling quite suffocated living in... the lower mainland surrounded by people who've watched me grow up. People watch closely. Should I move away? How?

- I left my old church community. the news of the breakup is spreading like wildfire. I hate being perceived.

- extra anxious about exposure. Deleted hinge cause I know people are gonna spread shit.. news got to him so fucking fast. It really made me think of k*lling myself because I felt like I couldn't do anything

- first "adult"/mature relationship

- other exes gave me a reason to hate them, moved on fast

- i still love and care for him. he's a really really fucking good person.

- I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON

- ex is still in love with me. I can tell he still wants to continue the relationship. I don't deserve it.

- I hooked up with someone on Hinge (he doesn't know that... I wouldn't disclose it)

- he's been giving me so much grace given that I broke his heart and initiated the breakup.

- he wanted to get married and I'm sitting here being a hoe

- I've just made a mess of myself.

- He's sat through the worst mental health episodes I've had and loved me through it. Still does. I ended the relationship cause I'm selfish.

- our relationship started shortly after my previous one ended. people were quick to point out it was a rebound on my end. Funny how things turned out, I've broken his heart.

- I did all this to him. and he is genuinely the best natured and well-intentioned person I've met. It's insane to me how hard I fumbled the bag and there is so much fucking wrong with me and my mental state.

Here is the combined rebuttal of myself and bestie after talking:

- hinge

- still exploring. I broke up bc idk what I want, and by going on hinge im exploring

- I'm technically allowed to, + it's none of his business or his friends

- extra grace from my ex is something I should be thankful for so I have room to grow

- you have to 'like' the person + their company more than you love them to sustain a relationship forever

- near the end of the relationship, it looked like I was living and in it for him and not for myself to be happy with him (? if that makes sense)

- I tried really, really fucking hard to make it work

-> felt like something was wrong with me the whole fucking time. it's painful.

- still have to love yourself and put yourself first

-> who else will be there for you if not you first????????

-> priority avenue to explore over pouring all my love into a relationship and neglecting self

---

Anyway I summed it up in note form cause I have no fucking finesse. I'm tired and sad and feeling better, grounded and not trying to k*ll myself now.

Figuring out how to proceed without cutting every single tie I have.

The opinion I have on myself being a terrible person runs really deep. I'm not really proud of myself or my achievements or the things I worked hard for. The feelings of pride or happiness don't really register, and I don't have it in me to celebrate when others tell me to. Because of my mental health, lacklustre functioning, relationship issues and my struggle to maintain friendships, I genuinely felt like a curse on the earth. I really really thought and felt like it would be better off without me. I know it sounds dramatic as fuck but I can't tell you that the earth is better with me.