charpository24
charpository24
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charpository24 ยท 1 year ago
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My ex-partner found out I'm on Hinge.
I'm pretty freaked out about it. A lot led up to make me feel this way or think these thoughts, but earlier I was driving after walking out on my bible study group and a huge part of me wanted to wrap myself around the incoming lampposts or trees. Though I already texted my friend I'd be coming over.
So, I'm safe.
It's 11:36 pm so I don't really know how much detail I'm gonna get into or how sound I'm gonna be, but whatever. Here goes.
How did it all go down?
PART 1:
> show up to bible study
> two members come in, they're tense about something
> one of them is ex-partner's protective cousin and used to be my bff, heavy shit there
> atmosphere is kind of uncomfortable
> ex comes in
> conversation is happening, generally lighthearted but I'm internally freaking out cause he's avoiding eye contact and ignoring me
> I'm an anxious genius so of course I'm stewing.
> I finally just speak up and throw a "I'm sorry, I have to go"
> leave.
PART 2:
> I'm getting into my car and I saw that ex has run after me, door is open and he + cousin comes to check on me.
> TALK TLDR:
cousin:
- we're here for you
- how can we help
bf:
- wants to talk with me privately
PART 3:
> ex gets into car with me
> TALK TLDR:
- r u ok
- he's ok, some days good some days bad.
- he wasn't avoiding eye contact cause he hated me, just unsure what to do
- found out from someone that I was on hinge.
-> can't police me, ofc it threw him but he's worried I might continue my toxic relationship cycle again
- I explain I'm not looking for a relationship. Just did it cause I technically could.
- do you love me still? miss me?
- maybe there will be a second chance in the future? -> (I do not confirm this.)
- are you in anguish cause you regret breaking up with me and miss the relationship? -> no
- why? -> I feel like a horrible person (more on that later)
- can we hug? -> sigh
-> hug is long. there's something behind it. he loves me still and I can feel it.
PART 4:
> I ask if I can leave. I don't want to go back to the bible study group after exiting so abruptly.
> exits the car with another hug.
> impaired driving (CRYING)
> drive to bestie -> talk -> pet stupid dog -> fill gas -> profit
---
Here are some thoughts.
- I'm feeling quite suffocated living in... the lower mainland surrounded by people who've watched me grow up. People watch closely. Should I move away? How?
- I left my old church community. the news of the breakup is spreading like wildfire. I hate being perceived.
- extra anxious about exposure. Deleted hinge cause I know people are gonna spread shit.. news got to him so fucking fast. It really made me think of k*lling myself because I felt like I couldn't do anything
- first "adult"/mature relationship
- other exes gave me a reason to hate them, moved on fast
- i still love and care for him. he's a really really fucking good person.
- I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON
- ex is still in love with me. I can tell he still wants to continue the relationship. I don't deserve it.
- I hooked up with someone on Hinge (he doesn't know that... I wouldn't disclose it)
- he's been giving me so much grace given that I broke his heart and initiated the breakup.
- he wanted to get married and I'm sitting here being a hoe
- I've just made a mess of myself.
- He's sat through the worst mental health episodes I've had and loved me through it. Still does. I ended the relationship cause I'm selfish.
- our relationship started shortly after my previous one ended. people were quick to point out it was a rebound on my end. Funny how things turned out, I've broken his heart.
- I did all this to him. and he is genuinely the best natured and well-intentioned person I've met. It's insane to me how hard I fumbled the bag and there is so much fucking wrong with me and my mental state.
Here is the combined rebuttal of myself and bestie after talking:
- hinge
- still exploring. I broke up bc idk what I want, and by going on hinge im exploring
- I'm technically allowed to, + it's none of his business or his friends
- extra grace from my ex is something I should be thankful for so I have room to grow
- you have to 'like' the person + their company more than you love them to sustain a relationship forever
- near the end of the relationship, it looked like I was living and in it for him and not for myself to be happy with him (? if that makes sense)
- I tried really, really fucking hard to make it work
-> felt like something was wrong with me the whole fucking time. it's painful.
- still have to love yourself and put yourself first
-> who else will be there for you if not you first????????
-> priority avenue to explore over pouring all my love into a relationship and neglecting self
---
Anyway I summed it up in note form cause I have no fucking finesse. I'm tired and sad and feeling better, grounded and not trying to k*ll myself now.
Figuring out how to proceed without cutting every single tie I have.
The opinion I have on myself being a terrible person runs really deep. I'm not really proud of myself or my achievements or the things I worked hard for. The feelings of pride or happiness don't really register, and I don't have it in me to celebrate when others tell me to. Because of my mental health, lacklustre functioning, relationship issues and my struggle to maintain friendships, I genuinely felt like a curse on the earth. I really really thought and felt like it would be better off without me. I know it sounds dramatic as fuck but I can't tell you that the earth is better with me.
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