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chasingxtales · 10 years

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A Message to My First Love

I loved you.

I love you.

I will keep on loving you.

You may not be my first kiss, my first hug may not be from you, my first “I love you” was for and from someone else, and you may not be the first person I adored – that seemed unreal but too ideal – but you are my first love.

Your eyes, I see magic in them. They sparkle and it feels like I’m feeling the joy you’re feeling when your smile reaches your eyes – too contagious, I can’t help but fall in love. When you’re laughing your heart out, your eyes were so cute as if it’s forming two little rainbows on your face. What can I say? Too legit, your eyes were the windows through your soul (yes, those cheesy lines on the movies or books were true)…I can stare at it until it rains again…and form two beautiful rainbows after…again.

When you’re mad at me, I look into your eyes and I feel bad about myself, then I hurriedly feel the need to look somewhere else. Your eyes always look sad when we’re having a bad time, not too angry, but too sad that I wanted to cry when I look at them. I wanted to hug you, kiss you, and tell you how sorry I am and that everything will be alright – but you know me, you know how hard-headed I am that I can’t even admit how wrong I am right away. Your eyes saw how stupid and stubborn I am when we’re having problems – be it because of you or me – how I shut myself to the world and not talk about it (even though we’ve had a million agreement then that whatever the problem is and whoever caused it, we should talk right away). I am really sorry. I’m sorry I could stand seeing you like that and ignore you, you should know that deep inside, I want to cry and hug you so tight and ask for forgiveness – I promise this work in progress won’t be in vain. Your eyes were hurting me more than you could ever know and I couldn’t stand a second looking at it – damn those bad times. Sometimes, I ask myself how could I stand looking at those and not do anything about it to make the situation alright. Sometimes, I just want my pride and stupidity to vanish – really wrong combination for a person in love – and just talk to you, tell you what I feel, tell you what makes me sad, what made me mad at you, and tell you that you don’t need to worry because this is just a shitty mood swing.

I love looking at your eyes. It calms my heart, it makes me feel happy, and it makes me feel warm. I love it the most when you look at me, full of love. Those eyes that sparkle, those eyes that takes me to another universe were the eyes that belongs to my first love.

Your lips, your thick lips, I could kiss them forever. I love it when I randomly blurt out “I love you” and then your lips says you love me too – I secretly like it when you’re too serious, like when you’re driving or when we’re just walking outside.

I was wondering then how it feels like to kiss you – was I fantasizing? Of course! The first time we kissed…heaven. I don’t remember I ate butterflies during our dinner at the office’s pantry, why all of a sudden my tummy is filled with those? I remembered I texted you (jokingly, but I mean it deep inside) that I wanted a kiss, you replied a kiss emoticon, was I too demanding for a real one? Yes, I definitely am. But who cares? It’s now or never! Then you kissed me before you get in the lift. I can never forget that moment. One little smooch in the lips from the person I am dying to be with…became two when I said “one more” and you agreed! That was such a sweet moment.

I told you that it’s chapped, you need to rehydrate more, and I feel like you just ignored me and wet your lips using your tongue. Argh, you’re so stubborn! When will you ever listen? I tried to wipe the chapped skin off – but I ended up flinching as if I’m the one who gets hurt, I told you I can feel the sting and you’ve got to believe me that I’m hurt! – and when I failed, you tried to wipe it yourself and then you just bit those skin off, too stubborn, I said I’m the one who’s getting hurt. Please don’t leave it that way, I told you you need to get rid of those, you do at the moment, but the next time we see each other, your lips were still chapped. Sometimes – no, most of the time – I see that it’s bleeding, you just say that I bit it when we kissed, I’m sorry if that’s true, okay? I wasn’t able to control myself, but hey, it wasn’t my intention to hurt you while making love. Please take care of your lips when you read this, promise?

Believe it or not, I love everything you say – even when you tease me! I love how you open up to me and just say everything you feel – I’m sorry if I judged you sometimes with what you say or if I can’t be serious and laugh at times. You told me you’re not like that to your friends, that’s why I’m happy when you talk to me – be it silly or serious stuff. And even when you’re mad and you tell hurtful words, it’s okay, I don’t have the courage to say what I exactly feel and I should know what’s on your mind. You don’t have to tell me everything, it’s okay, but I’ll always listen – even though it seems I don’t. Just keep on talking to me, keep on telling me what you feel, I love it. I love hearing anything from you, it’s okay.

You’ll always be my sweet boy that I love spending time with. My first love, who told me he loves me too…through those thick lips.

Your nose, I swear it looked like a caramel chocolate to me, I don’t know. It looked silly, not pointed, but round. When you can’t control yourself while laughing, I love how your nose wrinkles – too cute. Your nose looks funny (okay, mine looks way funnier, but please not now)! You look strong with your features and your nose softens everything. It’s not ugly, okay? It’s cute, please believe me. It adds up the cuteness to your face, ugh, such combination. When you sniff my hair when we hug, I get worried I smell bad, but then you just tell me I smell good – though I am really not that sure…

I like how you smell, distinct. Unique, that I’ll know it’s you from a crowd. Those nostrils he toys with, silly…those were owned by my first love.

You know you can take me high…with your wings – I mean your ears! Your cute flappy wings! I know I tease you a lot, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to offend you, and it looks so cute, I need to say a word. I like it when you try to make it move, honey, you still need practice. I like it, too, when you run your ears through my face – from my lips to my nose up to my eyes.

I know it’s not always sweet – those words we hear from each other. But we knew and we’re trying to understand that we sometimes need to hear those, for us to grow, for us to know that the sail won’t always be smooth. Let’s try more, love, I knew those silly fights can be resolved if we just sit and listen to each other – I’ll talk too, promise.

Those cold ears belongs to the man I want to whisper softly “I love you” every time.

I know that I am not a perfect girl for this man, I am trying to – but I stopped. There can’t be anyone perfect for each other; those stories with happy endings were written by people who don’t know what true love is – hell, it’s much better than those – and it doesn't always have to be prince-marries-princess all the time.

Like any other stories, there are different kinds of “true love,” it’s different for each pair of love birds – standards just can’t be same and, admit it, being unique is a thing these days. People kiss, hug, have sex, but that doesn't mean it’s love – though it’s love, there can be a possibility that that wasn't true love…now I sound like a stupid theorist. We just wanted to wish that our own stories were more divine, more epic, and way cooler than the others. And sometimes, we’re just staging it to the point that we always wanted to achieve what we want and what looks cute than those in the movies – without knowing it. People do couple-y stuff, go places, live together, march to the altar...but will that last?

True love isn't about two perfect people being together, it’s about those two real ones that has flaws but knows how to fill what the other lacks. Those two who argues over silly stuff, but laughs at it afterwards knowing it’s not that stupid to fight with each other sometimes. When you know how to bring the best in each other, when you know how to be strong for them and be there when they need you… that’s what sounds perfect to me. When you know how to wait for them even for hours – some little complaining over your head seems fine to me – just so you can spend rest of the Friday evening with them walking, having a joy ride, or accompanying them to the park so that they could play that wakeboarding sport you can't even understand how’s it fun to be dragged on a mud with frogs on it, or just being boring – I love how we can be boring but not boring at all (does that sound correct).

I know I don’t have to put every happies here just to lecture you what love is from my point. My definition may sound off and weird to you, so I’ll stop now – you have your own imagination but I would want you to keep it for yourself or write it in your own blog, just hear me out for now.

I love you, and we may not have gone to the point to prove that it’s true love (to others), we just know it. There’s no point that we can prove them even though we can show them how happy and so much in love we are when we’re with them, we can’t prove them until we’re ashes but still married and died happily in our home, holding hands or what.

We’re too young for this validation, we’re too immature compared to our parents, and we’re just on the start line. I may not be your only love (that’s the saddest part of the relationship), but I can be your true love. How? I don’t know…I just knew that I can be. My love for you might not be damned powerful that can move mountains, but strong enough to move you – who needs to move mountains anyway. As long as we can make each other happy even through tough times…that makes me satisfyingly say it’s true. As long, as we enjoy holding each other’s hands, it’s true. As long as we take care of each other’s hearts – so damned true.

We don’t need a validation, we just know it. I just know it’s true – you being my true love.

I hope my true love doesn't get bored reading through this stuff his girlfriend wrote while listening to Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga on her bed on a Saturday evening.

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