checkinswithsara

[checkinswithsara]

Good day today once again. We’re spending a relaxed evening together. I also focused on doing something the way I wanted to: I left the gym earlier than him instead of waiting to drive home together. This was a good choice because it doesn’t really matter to him anyway, and it’s something that made me more relaxed because I wasn’t wasting time at the gym with nothing really to do. I have often made myself wait, just because I felt like he would probably like that, but in truth it doesn’t really matter to him, it’s much more important that we have a good time (which we have when we’re both relaxed). Therefore, it is important that I actually choose the moments where it doesn’t matter to him what I do, and separate them from the moments where he really does care a lot. That worked well today. I also did a few extra bits like prepare vegetables for him, things that are just nice little benefits ☺️

[checkinswithsara]

Going strong. I’m happy that Jan is so sweet to me and makes me feel so precious and loved again. Even though it’s always very difficult for him, he does let us have a good time together again ☺️ We made lunch for his family yesterday. I was a bit nervous about this at first, because some tension tends to come up when we do this. It’s very important to him that things are done really well when his parents come and it can be a bit stressful. Yesterday went really well however. It was helpful that Jan just said up front what he would like me to do and what he will do. I stuck to this strictly. This was the right choice and meant that I wasn’t in his way and we actually had a fun, easygoing time getting everything ready. Since then our mood has been completely back to normal and lovey-dovey. Additionally, I actively refrained from putting pressure on him regarding how he spends his time. I didn’t plan anything specific for the rest of the day (which is the way I wanted it anyway) and when he spontaneously decided to go to the gym I didn’t force my own opinion on him (e.g. „oh you should relax and take your Sunday off“). It’s his own decision and not my place to try to „take care“ of him in a way that he doesn’t need or want.

[checkinswithsara]

Today had it’s difficult moments. I notice that we aren’t completely back to normal, with a lot of tension still in the air. I did a few things differently than Jan wanted me to today and made a couple of situations unnecessarily complicated. I should have just gone with what Jan was suggesting and that would have made things a lot easier. Fortunately, Jan let these situations go quite quickly and we had a lovely second part of the day. Additionally, a surprising Amazon package arrived at the house: Jan had ordered two books for me as a random present a couple of days ago. He had checked on goodreads beforehand which ones I wanted to read. This once again shows how sweet he his with such lovely gestures. I really want us to get back to our sweet atmosphere because we both deserve it. I need to just chill and not create unnecessary complications.

Both of us have managed to have proper down-time today, which is really helpful. I want to try to make this less negotiable: time to relax to make me less stressed and therefore help our relationship.

[checkinswithsara]

We had a very difficult day yesterday due to my failure to properly be there for Jan when he needed my support. After a lot of talking back and forth, Jan decided to give me another chance. I’m grateful for this. I really need to be better at just accepting the things Jan says to me instead of always reading between the lines for no reason and imagining I know better what Jan needs right now.

Today I have been a lot better. Jan has been quite forgiving today and is mainly his normal funny smiley self, which makes things a lot easier for me. Once again, I’m grateful for this. So things have been easy-going because I’ve been going with the flow and expressing my apologies.

I really want this weekend to be good and for it to keep going after that too. I want to be of help for Jan and make him feel better and more at ease, instead of pressuring him to do things to fill my own needs.

[checkinswithsara]

I wasn’t there for Jan in a moment where he just needed my support. He hasn’t been doing too well because he got a rejection in response to an application. We had plans to go outside today because it’s so warm and so I tried to motivate him to go out with me. I kept going, not realising that he just really didn’t have the energy. Therefore, I was putting my own needs above his. I actually love taking care of Jan, it’s one of my favourite things and I’m deeply upset that I missed my chance and got so mixed up. I should have just chilled and been there for him in the way he needed me too.

[checkinswithsara]

All lovely right now ☺️ Had a wonderful weekend apart from Saturday morning. Since then I’ve also been able to keep calm in the one or two smaller moments that come up naturally every now and then. Nothing properly negative happened between us.

Jan did have a quite difficult day today, with some bad news. This often makes me a bit nervous because im sad for him and am afraid his mood will be bad. Today I managed to give him his me time instead of telling myself I have to be there for him by talking to him. Often when I do this I end up making things worse. Today I told myself to keep calm and easy going and also take care of myself and that helped make him feel better too.

[checkinswithsara]

We figured it out for the moment, got over our fight. I do really have to figure this out, however, because it can’t keep going like this. This situation is hurting both of us so much.

I need to add in breaks when I feel tension increase. Stay calm and just work with what Jan is actually telling me in the moment. Also keep up the whole „free space“ thing, which I have managed to improve a lot so far already.This are the most important points and actually break down to mean: stay calm and collected.

Now we’re enjoying our weekend right now. We lost a few hours yesterday, which cannot keep happening regularly.

[checkinswithsara]

Today we had a fight. It started off with something rather small. Jan was a bit irritated from work and then still asked a question about my work which I misunderstood in a weird way, in turn making him quite annoyed. I kept my distance for a bit after this. This allowed us to move through this situation quickly enough, even though it was unusually tense.

Sadly, later on another moment of annoyance came up. The atmosphere between us was still quite tense because we were both so tired from work. Then some discussion started in which Jan asked me to answer his yes/no questions with either yes or no. He was very irritated when I didn’t do that. And this time it was more difficult for me to keep a distance because I slipped back into my former habits of following him out of fear of losing him. This, as always, made everything increasingly dramatic but I didn’t feel as if I could stop once I had started. I am now very scared of what will happen from here on out. Jan is disappointed that we had a fight after a while without and doesn’t want this to keep happening. I’m also extremely frustrated, because it really felt as if I had found the key to our hall relationship.

[checkinswithsara]

Everything is still going well and I’m enjoying it so much. I’m determined to keep it going this way. I’m really good at keeping distance when Jan asked for it. At the same time we are having so much fun with each other and just being easy-going. We changed one or two things about our sleep schedule and were both very open for the other‘s suggestions. This shows me that it goes both ways and makes it easier for me to voice my own concerns about things. I want this to stay this way and am determined to pay attention and stay alert to these things.

[checkinswithsara]

I‘m so content right now. Things are easy. I’m trying to focus on making little moments during the day special and/or relaxing for myself. This is to make sure things I don’t just live for the weekends and holidays, but rather find sweetness in every day. I think this might relax me further and make sure tensions are kept low in the relationship too.

Things are going well with Jan right now. We had a very lovey-dovey weekend while being able to secure some good old time with friends. And now we are quite relaxed. I see the effects of this: this morning there was one smaller thing that I had messed up and we didn‘t have a big discussion about it. This is also because I’ve been doing things well and in a considered way, so nothing has been building up to make Jan more annoyed. This made me feel great this morning. I feel very loved, safe and precious with him.

[checkinswithsara]

I‘m so happy with how things have been going. We had separate weekends with our friends and it went so well. Often, there can be some tension when we’re apart, the desire to be in contact all the time and to talk on the phone often. I sometimes struggle to spend time without my phone. This was different this weekend, we missed each other but were well able to properly enjoy time with our friends. We managed this by communicating very openly and I think the fact that we lived together helped too, because it’s an exception to be apart, rather than the rule. We know each other very well and we’re both intent of using the friend time properly

The time before our trips was also very good and relaxed and I want to keep it going in this way. Can’t wait to see him this evening!

[checkinswithsara]

Jan and I are each spending the week with our friends, separately :) this hasn’t happened in so long and I think it’s actually really good for us. We spend so much of our time with each other that it’s good to mix things up a bit. It also kind of feels good to miss each other again and be reminded of the things that we learn to depend on in every day life. So far it’s also been really good, sweet messages but no stress at all about texting or phoning each other constantly. It’s also really important for us as individuals to spend time with the boys/girls :) I hope it’ll continue being as relaxed in the next few days, with a good balance between texting and also being able to enjoy time with our friends without staring at our phones constantly. Jan sometimes feels a bit anxious when we’re apart, I hope I can give him enough safety while not compromising myself.

[checkinswithsara]

I managed to get Jan out of bed earlier today! Of course that’s also his own doing, but this morning i really managed to stay strong and not let us snuggle up in bed for ages after the alarm went (as much as I would have liked to 😢). I’m always nervous to do things like that, even when Jan explicitly tells me the night before that he wants that. This is because I don’t want to upset him. But we have already talked about the fact that I bend my boundaries to suit him too often and both of us don’t like that. That is why I need to practice assertiveness a bit more. It’s not only with Jan that I find this difficult, but rather generally. Still, it would be good for our relationship if I were a bit better at standing up for things, because this would reinstate a balance. And it worked well enough this morning, so I think I should just keep going :)

This evening is a practice in giving space. Jan is working on the computer and obviously wants to be for himself, so I’m in a different room. When I came in, I made the mistake of walking over to him and disturbing him. It worked really well to just distance myself then, we each had our own evening and that was fine. It’s important to be able to spend time separately.

[checkinswithsara]

Back to normal today… work etc. We’re having a relaxing evening right now and are both quite tired from our day. Definitely a different mood than we have on holidays!! I notice that Jan is a bit tense. But I’m just accepting that and letting both of us have our evening for ourselves in the way we want it. I’ve just joked with him in response to little comments and that’s been quite nice.

One thing I notice is that when I ask Jan to look over something important for me briefly, he tends to get extremely invested. This is because he cares about things more than the average person does, and especially about things that have to do with me. I love this about him, but I do have to keep this fact in mind a bit better. If I just kept the responsibility for my own things, e.g. my applications, to myself, this would often get things done more quickly and allow Jan to not get too invested in things that aren’t his job. I think this would sometimes be easier for both of us and would keep our spaces of responsibility a bit more separate, which is a good thing at times. This is especially the case on a Monday evening where I just want to send my application and am happy with it overall already and then Jan‘s perfectionism is triggered even though he is also tired from his day. These are some of the things o need to keep in mind better.

[checkinswithsara]

Our camping trip ended today. That includes packing everything up, which created some slight tension. I handled that very well though, I’d say. I told myself that Jan is just stressed and a bit sad to be leaving, just as I am and that this will pass… and it did. While packing I did everything step by step, doing the things he suggested I do and trying to bring calmness into the whole thing. I did manage to be efficient enough. Still, there were some moments where I could have done better (cleaning the tarpaulin, etc.). The fact that I handled this well and took full responsibility for my part of the packing and for doing it well, made up for it.

We had lunch with is parents afterwards, which went well too. I also believe I handled the after holiday/sunday evening feelings well… mine and his 😂. I just let us go with the flow, doing the things we wanted to do when arriving at home, and not forcing anything else. I also gave Jan space to chill and stew slightly in his slight sadness, while still comforting him in an unobtrusive way. I really hope we keep going like this.

[checkinswithsara]

It’s Saturday evening and once again all of my emotions are killing me at once. I love this man so much and really hope we can keep having this lovely time together. The holiday, as always, has been amazing. Jan is handling my emotions well, we’ve been doing gold team work and we’ve been relaxed. Smaller things Jan pointed out that he wishes I did differently, I’ve just accepted and this let the mood go back to normal. One thing I’m kind of nervous and upset about is that Jan is very unhappy about his job at the moment and this makes him sad at random times. This makes me sad and I also get nervous that I’m the one who did something wrong when he isn’t in the best mood. I really hope he can manage this but have to keep in mind that it is not my job or responsibility that he fixes this, I can only support him by being there if he wants to talk or asks for advice. It’s sometimes hard for me to accept when he doesn’t want to talk about things that upset him, but I’ve done that well today, giving him space and not forcing him to do specific things with me that I imagine will make him feel better (but might not, and he knows that best).

[checkinswithsara]

We are on holiday. Jan let some of his disappointment in my failed attempt at team work (regarding parking) go and it has been a good trip so far. We also had a challenging camping situation during the night, which we handled very well: good demonstration of team work, which I’m happy about.

In general, the thing I’m paying the most attention to right now is trying to communicate better. When I’m unsure about something, I just ask, to make sure I do it as well as possible: this is proper responsibility. So far this has been going very well, combined with a focus on having a relaxed time, including lots of me-time for ourselves. This helps me stay calm when I’m nervous about smaller mood changes.