checkthewillowsforbirds

[checkthewillowsforbirds]

so much has happened after my last post. to keep it short: i've moved twice, i dropped out of school and i'm BarEly managing a job as a janitor. i'm not living a luxurious life, i don't even know if i'm living at all. i feel like tHere's somethINg that's after me, but the few people i woulD maYbe call friends here in my new hOme town keep telling me that maybe i'm jUst getting sick. i don't know what to believe anymore.

[checkthewillowsforbirds]

woke up iN the forEst next to my neW home. i have no memory of coming here. this was on the snow next to me. i taste Blood in my mouth.

looks likE i have been couGhing up blood before losINg consciousNess. I Need to Go home. i'm cold.

[checkthewillowsforbirds]

it Has bEen a Long time since i've Posted anything, but believe ME, i have a good reasoN. i'm struggling tO keep up With scHool stuff and dEadlines, while all this is going on. i seem to influence the people aRound mE, so i packed my Things and mOved away. i'm in no contact with my friends or family anymore, i don't want them to suffer because of me. it's Going tO be a dark and lonely christmas this year...

[checkthewillowsforbirds]

... God, why does this keep happening? How many of you are out there? How many other people are struggling with the same thing???

Yes, I have seen birds. Two ravens, a dove, and a pigeon. It's not that uncommon. We get a lot of birds in New Jersey.

-Jace (edgeoftheeclipse)

this is wHy i'm doing this, i want to sEe if other peopLe are struggLing as well.

the birds are nOw quiet.

[checkthewillowsforbirds]

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[checkthewillowsforbirds]

oveR a month has passEd since the last uPdatE... i hAven'T been well, my headaches have only worsened, and I hear a coNstant buzz in my ears. i went to several doctors, but they claim i'm fine and everythinG should be good.

[checkthewillowsforbirds]

i talked to a doctoR and thEy couldn't find anything wrong with me. although they did give me a preScripTIon for some paiNkillers. so far nothinG hAs chanGed. i still hAve weIrd dreams aNd i seem to have gaps in my memory.

[checkthewillowsforbirds]

i've now listed the recurring tHings in my drEams:

-screaming, but when i open my mouth, no words or noise come out

-smoking cigarettes

-smoke in generaL

-being able to fly

-People from My past appEaring out of nowhere

can somebody please help me find out why i dream of these things?

[checkthewillowsforbirds]

i've been living oFf Of Coffee and energy drinks, i don't want to sleep. ever since i walked that dirt road, i've been having vivid nightmares. shoUld i go back there to inveStigate and search for an answer?

[checkthewillowsforbirds]

a lot has happened. I've never once fainteD Or lost coNsciousness before, buT it has been happening a lot lately. i keep fainting and i have gaps in my memory. there are days that i REMEMBER nothing of. i should probably see a doctor or something...

[checkthewillowsforbirds]

afteR somE dayS of barely eaTing anythING, i finally leFt my apartment tO do gRocery shoppiNg. hOWever, being in public made me so anxious that i made it very quick, so i'll have to go shopping again in a few days. at least i did something.

[checkthewillowsforbirds]

i only HAVE some chicken nuggets in the Freezer And a bag of macaronI, i really need To leave my apartment soon. i look outside every now and tHen and see people. I doN't like it, but i gUeSs i just have to suck it up and pull myself together.

[checkthewillowsforbirds]

no posts, i have been sleeping. my naps last for hoUrs and i doN't like it. trying to leave my Apartment, but there are alWAys people outside. neighboRs look at my windows with suspicion, i don't want thEm to see me. the blinds are shut. i'm going to have to leave soon, i need to get groceries.

[checkthewillowsforbirds]

headache became Too strong, I turned around and walked back hoME. painkillers didn'T help, and the ringing in my ears cOntinued. freSh air didn't heLp EithEr. Perhaps it'll go away on its own.

[checkthewillowsforbirds]

still Walking. still very quiet and peaceful. it's getting late tHough and i'm starting to havE a Really bad hEadache. mAybe i should turn back and go hoMe. there's a rInging in my ears too.

[checkthewillowsforbirds]

It was a peaceful Day. i witnessed a family Of wild ducks. it's still suNny, but soon iT will rain, see the darKeNed clouds. hOpefully i make it home before a doWnpour.