cheekycherry20

[cheekycherry20]

I remember I made a post a while ago about how my mother passing away left me, but it’s come to my attention that’s there’s more. Since she’s DEAD and everyone who knew her said such kind things about her, I gave her a pass. I said that she tried her best to take care of us, she had four children so it must have been hard. But she’s stupid. She had four children (only one with a reasonable man) went to jail over my dad (my whole family hates that man, so why did she keep trying to give him the time of day) and dated an abuser (who abused US as well). I’m pretty sure the universe killed her off because if she has a choice, she would choose the abuser. And on top of that, I can’t tell at her. That bitch went and died and left me (and her other children) to suffer the consequences of HER actions. And the worst part is I can’t tell ANYONE that I want because my family will hate me!!!

[cheekycherry20]

I got really sad last night because I want to know EVERYTHING about everything. I was watching videos about dinosaurs and how they died which turned into how we’re gonna die so I had to put my phone down. I want to go to museums and see facts about stuff instead of reading books about it because that’s not fun

[cheekycherry20]

What is it about trains that autistic people enjoy? Why not another vehicle? I had a little plane phase but I could see why people don’t like those, because of the heights and stuff.

[cheekycherry20]

So I was fired today!

For the past couple of months I’ve turned into this evil bitchy version of myself due to the work environment. I’ve really been trying to mold myself and mask how I feel while at work in order not cause friction but I have a very low tolerance on being disrespected. On top of this, my anxiety has been bad due to the fact that I’m not at all where I want to be in my life. I’m single, no car, I can’t go to school till NEXT YEAR, and now I’m unemployed. I’m not insecure about it, I just feel like I would have been farther along but my anxiety has ALWAYS stopped me from moving forward. All of this has made me short tempered and snappy, so I cussed out my coworker. I don’t regret my actions but I do at the same time, because I would have loved to have a backup plan. On the other hand I know that things will work itself out.

[cheekycherry20]

Do you guys think big time rush hates their music? They were transitioning into grown men talking about being rockstars. Personally I would think that’s corny. Does it pay my bills? Yea. Do I want to quit a little bit? Yea.

[cheekycherry20]

I want to get on hear and talk about how I feel but idk what I feel yet. My luteaul phase just started and it’s got a little much this time so I’m try to brace myself for what’s about to happen. I’ve got a lot and nothing on my mind all at one. I’ll probably take and edible, take a walk, and binge a series later. See you next time!

[cheekycherry20]

I never used to think about going out as an adult when I was younger. I genuinely used to think about how I would just have to get through things. I didn’t think about getting married, I thought about having to get someone to fall in love with me. I didn’t think about having a family, I thought about being pregnant on my own. Hanging out with my sisters in the car, having adult friends, enjoy a career, and living own my own were never thoughts until I passed the age of 20.

[cheekycherry20]

At the end of the day I’ll always hate myself. The problem will always be me. I can never Say the right thing or be the right person. I’m incorrect and mismade. I’m just wrong. I want to be right but I don’t think I’m supposed to BE. I’m thinking about killing myself again, but this time with a REAL attempt. I’ve been myself TRULY for the past month or so, and as much as I’ve enjoyed myself (I have. I’ve given myself the space to stim and be on the spectrum without a care about how people perceive me) it never stops! The self hatred will always catch up!

[cheekycherry20]

I took care of myself today and I’m feeling so thankful. I went outside and felt the sun on my skin and it was all I needed.

[cheekycherry20]

I’m not so sure how long I’ve been holding onto this but I miss my ex (he claimed we weren’t dating but I don’t know how else to describe him). We were friends on and off before we started dating and at one point he was the only friend I had. He was the first person I was ever in love with. To be seen and understood and never judged for the first time felt so refreshing. I learned how to communicate with people through him, and he didn’t have to do that. He remained patient and calm with me always. We ended up having a miscommunication on both ends and it was me who broke it off. I don’t miss the relationship because now that I’m looking back on it it wasn’t as great as I thought it was. But I miss our friendship. I miss debriefing our days and making jokes about our long distance. I want to know how he’s doing but he’s not the type to make effort in that way.

[cheekycherry20]

I’ve never had (real) friends before but now I do. I genuinely appreciate them! They actually want to hang out with me, and enjoy talking to me, and constantly reassure me that I don’t need to put on a performance around them.

But now Ive run into the problem that I don’t know how to juggle friends and my own personal life. I skipped self care (working out) for six days to hang out with them because I could say no. Like I said before, I’ve never had friends so I don’t want them to leave my space (guys am I codependent??).

[cheekycherry20]

I can not express enough how much I want to meet the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. I want to be in love so badly. To look into someone’s eyes and just know that I’ll never be hurt by them. Spending every free moment together on purpose. Stupid errands, celebrating holidays, dates, sleepovers, sharing secrets and just growing together. No judgement, feeling safe in each others presence. Being ourselves, inner child coming out as we laugh at stupid jokes only we would understand. Learning together. Cooking, art religion ;and traveling physically and spiritually. Future planning, talking about our kids, raising kids!

Im tired of pretending i dont want to be in a relationship all time. I’m always saying it’s important to be comfortable with yourself, but I’m sick of being alone. I want my person.

[cheekycherry20]

My father has never been present in my life. Between the ages of 12-20 (my processing years) I always told myself he tried. My family never liked him while my mom was alive, so when she passed they didn’t allow him custody. I would hear from him from phone calls every couple of months, about twice a year between 5-8 years old. He would make a promise, or say how much he missed us, and throw in the occasional “I miss your mom”.

I wasn’t old enough to understand that his empty promises were messing me up. The constant disappointment creating an avoidant attachment. He kept his promise ONCE, getting me and my sisters a big bag of toys, which my grandmother took from us. My family made it very obvious that they didn’t like him, so I understood why he wasn’t around. But when he would call it was like he cared. He would say how smart I am, how big I’m getting, how much he loved us. I would get more verbal praise from him in 20 minutes than my whole family would give me in a month. I thought this was love.

My teenage years, he started going to my uncle more. I’m guessing my uncle would filter out his attempts because we wouldn’t hear from him. When my older sisters graduation rolled around (I was 16) he said he was visiting. My family’s hatred for him had rubbed up on me by them, so I was slightly annoyed. I’m not sure what I was annoyed with. Was it putting a face to the man that always let me down? But he actually did it.

When my grandma called me into the living room, there he was. Along with some woman and three kids. My mom passed when I was very young, I wasn’t expecting him to just mourn her loss for the rest of his life. It was seeing his kids. Three daughters. Well fed, clean clothes, and they were all over him. He had already had three daughters, US. I remember how awkward it was. I just wanted to go in my room. I remember joking with my little sister about how he found a white women using humor to cope. I saw him again at graduation dinner, and he cracked jokes about how I had a crush on Steph curry (I don’t).

my sophomore year he would call more consistently, he even started sending money. His calls were scheduled happening about 1 a week. He would talk about coming to my graduation, getting me a car, asking us to visit him, etc. I took the money obviously but I actually started to believe he cared again.Then it stopped. He called during mySenior year once. Then he stopped. When I was 19 he started to make an effort again. His problem was he was doing it drunk, and in the middle of the night. I stopped picking up his calls. He would ask why we weren’t calling him first. The last thing I heard from him was how he was sorry about missing my graduation.

I always wondered why I have a need to be picked first in friendships. But it’s because of him. My own father didn’t think about his first borns. All the phone calls felt like a lie. He had time to raise 3 MORE daughters and chose to move on from his other 3. I truly understand his blockages. Yea my family hated him, but so what? You’re talking all this big game to young impressionable kids and you can’t even back it up. That’s not love, and thanks to you, I don’t know how to love. I always go for people who don’t like me back, I tweak out when I’m disappointed and not in control of situations, and I always need to be peoples first priority.

[cheekycherry20]

I’ve never been able to socialize properly. I’ve always said the wrong thing, made a joke that wasn’t funny to others, or just been plain awkward. Now that I no longer find these things to be flaws, over the past couple of years, I’ve grown more and more insecure about my communication skills.

I so badly want to connect to others, but there’s a mild fear to even try, as past attempts have left me embarrassed. I just can’t seem to get it right. I honestly wouldn’t even call it embarrassment, more of disappointment. I really do try as best as I can, I just seem to lack. I observe everyone’s communication style and try my best to imitate it, always landing straight on my face every time. I don’t want to mask my true awkwardness because I’ve learned to like this side of myself, but now I’m realizing I only like it in private.

I have been letting certain sides of myself out more, even with the risk of being made fun of. I work with kids so it’s pretty easy to get away with it. I’m pretty childish and like to sing, and hop around. I have fun, and I’m genuinely happy when I let this side out. It definitely outweighs my worries of being made to feel like an odd person.

People DO try to connect with me though! I’ve been working on not letting my fear of rejection get in my way of trying to return the favor.im trying to understand my audience and figure out what to say, when to say it, and who to say it to.

[cheekycherry20]

I genuinely get upset with myself after eating

[cheekycherry20]

I don’t know where I went wrong with myself but I’ve let myself go. I’ve been letting everything get to me, I’m taking things personally, and I’ve been cutting people off without explaining. I’m just not myself. All year I’ve been practicing self love and healthy coping skills but between c*tting and my a**empt, I can safely say that’s gone. I don’t know what to do. I keep waiting for someone or something to tell me and do things for me because I can barely make decisions for myself. im easily overwhelmed and burnt out, and incredibly confused about what direction my life is going. I have goals and I have dreams, but I can’t achieve them without money and my spending habits have not been the best. I’ve stopped trusting the using and god and have fallen into nihilistic habits that I can’t escape because I’m not trying. All of my problems are my fault. I don’t know how to get back up. In August, every time someone or something knocked me down I would get up and tell myself to not let it get to me, but before I could get it up properly it was like I was down again. It’s like this every year for me. The first six months of the year I feel like I can accomplish anything, but the last six months feels like everything is against me. Usually I would tell myself that’s not true, but I’m not entirely sure anymore. It would make sense to be punished for my mistakes and actions. I wish there was a way to be told it was, because then I could handle the situation better.

[cheekycherry20]

I hate working. I get maybe two weeks before I burn out and have to take a day off. I’m also just not passionate about my job anymore. I love kids so so so much, I couldn’t put it into words, but I don’t get excited to show up anymore. It genuinely hurts to come to terms with this, because my kids are all I have (I’ll always have my family).I love seeing my kids tho. Seeing them EXIST makes me feel so happy, they’re perfect. But to actually sit down and do work is so draining (not because of them particularly). Maybe I like kids because they like me? But it wouldn’t matter what job I had to work, unless I’m relaxing I’m going to dread it. I’m not built for this.