cheeskakemess - Tumblr blog

[cheeskakemess]

[cheeskakemess]

[cheeskakemess]

[cheeskakemess]

[cheeskakemess]

[cheeskakemess]

[cheeskakemess]

we need to give it up for katie holmes

[cheeskakemess]

[cheeskakemess]

[cheeskakemess]

[cheeskakemess]

[cheeskakemess]

Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992) | dir. Francis Ford Coppola

[cheeskakemess]

A letter about what I feel, because it seems I've found myself in a situation with no one to talk to.

I think I have childhood trauma. But I don't want to take it away from someone who actually had traumatic childhoods. I was never sxuallysullted, but I was beat. Sometimes I would be chased by my mom with a broomstick and I know that can be seen as funny but its not.

It seems apparent nobody knew I had extreme anxiety as a kid, almost agoraphobic. To the point where I would lock myself in a room at my grandma's and not come out the whole day. Eventually my mom would just leave, she would leave no phone, noone who really spoke fluently in English. I loved my grandparents but as an only child, that shits fucking terrifying. I would wake up in the morning scared to look over to see if my mom was still there or not, sometimes she was, other times not.

When I was with my extended family, It was overwhelming how many people would come over, I look back now and it breaks my heart how fucked up some of the behaviours I did as a kid. I would sit completely still if I was on the couch reading, and if someone would come in I would pretend to be asleep. It got very bad, being in my room and holding my breath so I can hear footsteps.

My whole family would just bully me. I was so scared to come out that room that my mom came and beat me with her shoe.

I think I've come to the conclusion that I don't know how to take care of myself because no one took care of me. I mean, I had everything sure, but I was never listened to, or consoled whenever I showed signs of severe mental distress.

I stopped eating around that time because I thought if I neglected myself, people would like me more. My mother never told me how to care for myself, not really. She was so ashamed of me. My mother, she doesn't care about me, she cares about what other people think more than the well being of her daughter.

I would melt now if anyone told me they where proud of me. I need positive affirmations just to get through the day, to know I'm not alone, or a fuck up like they made me feel.

[cheeskakemess]

Pickin’ it up, pickin’ it up, lovin’, I’m livin’, so we turnin’ up

[cheeskakemess]

[cheeskakemess]

Coffees and photocopying

[cheeskakemess]

I cheated myself, like I knew I would. I told you, I was trouble. you know, I'm no good