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[cheesydreamland]

1st August 2021

Weird dream: Mrs F, Eli & I were going on holiday to Italy. We were sat at Manchester Oxford Road station, waiting for a train to the airport.

There was a bloke nearby who was rhythmically battering his small child to the beat of a Happy Mondays song (yippee-ippee aye-aye ay yay-yay,

I had to crucify some brother today), so I rung the police. The police immediately arrived & closed off the station, but then rather than arrest the bloke (who was a skinny young Asian fella with a beard), they arrested the actual Shaun Ryder from the Happy Mondays (fat old shaven white bloke, below).

Besides the wrongful arrest of a 90s musician the other result was that we missed our flight to Italy. We therefore decided to drive instead, but because my car has a tiny boot, I had to pile the suitcases on the roof. This wasn't too bad til we got to the ferry, where the piled high suitcases meant we wouldn't fit in the car deck so had to pay a massive surcharge to be reclassified as a truck.

[cheesydreamland]

19th July 2021

Weird dream: I was producing an IT system to calculate the eligibility statuses of care leavers across the Star Wars Galaxy & had to convene workshop with Darth Vader, an Ewok, Jar-Jar Binks, C3P0 & representatives of the finance department to examine all the different planetary regulations.

The Moon of Endor, was really simple cos they had a single blanket entitlement of support for any creature that had been orphaned at any point in time.

On the planet Tatooine, there were different categories 'Slave', 'Former-Slave' & 'Qualifying Slave'.

On the planet of Naboo, all orphans were entitled to support until their 250th birthday. Jar-Jar Binks said that there was an automatic 100-year extension of this if the young person was a veteran of the trade wars, but C3P0 and I couldn't find any reference to this in the Naboo book of regulations.

Darth Vader then remembered that there was a similar clause we hadn't covered in the Tatooine regulations regarding victims of Sand-People raids. We had to reconvene that workshop & I had to retract my previous write-up from the developers. Every time I resubmitted it, Vader then kept remembering more obscure clauses & exemptions which meant I had to keep retracting & resubmitting my development specification, which made the Developers really mad at me. I proposed an absolute deadline for further changes, but Vader kept choking me with the force until I would agree to an extension of these deadlines.

[cheesydreamland]

3rd May 2021

Weird dream: me, Eli & the grandkids, armed with our experience of looking after a herd of kittens had set up a mobile pet-grooming business.

However Chorley Council decided to apply the law on grooming gangs very very literally & classified us as one.

Luckily for us, Chorley police were staffed by every incompetent fictional copper ever known (Inspector Clouseau, Chief Wiggum, Sheriff JW Pepper, Captain Mauser, Officer Dibble & led by the bald copper out of Die Hard).

Every time they came to arrest us, we'd all escape by running round in circles til they all got dizzy. The only one of us who ever got caught was granddaughter Niamh, cos she's not very bright, so we kept having to break her our of gaol.

The police cells were also filled with lots of wedding grooms in disheveled tuxedos who'd also been victims of the over-zealous policing.

[cheesydreamland]

6th April 2021

Weird dream: I'd been playing for a football team, which included various work colleagues & Chorley players.

After a particularly woeful performance by myself, the rest of the team decided to hold a team meeting to tell me in the bluntest terms possible exactly how bad I was, with several refusing to ever play again if I were on the team.

With a wounded ego, I decided instead to take up rodeo, & purchased a black Spanish-type bull, which I kept in the garage & attempted to ride to Morrisons every day. I never got any further than the end of our drive on it, & spent the rest of every day trying to catch it & bring it back home, which usually involved me being gored or trampled to some extent.

Despite my failure, my granddaughter Libby turned out to be an expert rodeo-rider & wearing her peppa-pig cycle helmet, the bull became her usual means of transport to nursery.

[cheesydreamland]

3rd February 2021

Weird dream: An ex-colleague (Vikki D) & I had been chatting online about ideas to get the post-Covid world interacting again, and we came up with a proposal - Social Toileting. Basically, communal toilets for every street & workplace & instead of sitting there alone scrolling Facebook/Instagram or playing solitaire, people would have a chat with their neighbours/colleagues whilst they had a crap.

The queen (who herself was intrigued because as royalty she was physically unable to crap) thought this was a good idea & passed a royal decree that all toilet cubicle-walls would be removed, as would any gender-segregration. Toilet-blocks were just rooms with sit-down toilets along every wall.

It was a big success & everyone started talking with each other in a much more civil & constructive manner, with no more outrage.

The politicians (for some reason led by Nick Clegg) & the bosses at Google, Twitter & Facebook etc. were really brassed off cos they could no longer listen in on everyone's conversations, so they fitted CCTV & microphones on the walls of every toilet block to listen in.

We fought back by dangling toddlers & small children in shopping bags from the mics so that all the spies could hear was babble & the cameras got smeared by sticky toddler fingerprints.

Mark Zuckerberg & Nick Clegg then decided that as ring-leaders Vikki & I had to die so chased us on bikes round Norfolk, trying to push us into ditches, but they could never catch us, as neither of them could ride properly so their bikes had stabilisers.

[cheesydreamland]

26th January 2021

Weird Dream: I had a dream last night that I was going to do a workshop with Glasgow City Council.

The introductory meeting was over Teams with CU Jimmy, Jimmy Krankie, Rab C Nesbitt, Groundskeeper Willie & Begbie from Trainspotting.

They were all sat round speakerphone in Willie’s tin-roofed shack in a hailstorm & I couldn’t tell what they were saying cos of accents, echo and feedback.

At the end of each person’s unintelligible monologue, Begbie kept saying menacingly “ye better ay got that English-boy, cos we’re nae repeatin it”

After a crisis meeting back at the office, Melanie from Marketing came up with the idea of supplying them with purple (corporate colour) headsets ahead of the workshops.

On the eve of the workshops it snowed heavily round Carlisle and Yodel said they couldn’t deliver them.

Ama (Marketing Assistant) set off on a snowmobile with a Deliveroo backpack on full of headsets and delivered them all just minutes before the first workshop was due to commence.

The workshops were a great success and Begbie was so chuffed, he declared he take Ama as his bride.

[cheesydreamland]

18th January 2021

Weird dream: Henry VIII had been appointed mayor of Chorley & had taken up residence in the town hall, feasting every night with Eddie Large, Peter Kay, James Corden & Bernard Manning on takeaways from the various kebab shops on Market Street.

I was out walking the dog & she sniffed out a woman in Tudor a dress hiding in some bushes. The woman explained that she Anne Boleyn & was hiding from her estranged husband, the newly appointed mayor, who wanted to execute her.

All of a sudden, we saw blue flashing lights approaching, so me, Anne & the dog commandeered a passing milk-float.

For some reason, I had the ability of real-time satellite-vision, so although the milk-float was really slow, was able to keep turning down obscure side-streets to evade the police. This went on for some time.

We eventually managed to make it back to our house, but Mrs F was mad at me for bringing another woman home & rang the council hotline to report the missing mayoress.

Henry VIII turned up in a council van & took Anne away. He also took the dog, deciding she was to be eaten at that night's town hall banquet.

[cheesydreamland]

5th December 2020

(sent via WhatsApp to kids rather than usual Facebook post)

Weird dream: your mum was taking Eli to see a Christmas show in Edinburgh, but had a crash in Sunderland whilst en route.

She rang me and requested I travel up to give her a bump-start & get going again.

When I arrived late that evening, she was still sat in the driving seat but the car had both front wheels missing.

I persuaded her that getting to Edinburgh was impossible without two wheels & that we should check into a hotel for the night, which she agreed on if we could find an alternative christmas show nearby for Eli, as she wasn't having him miss out just cos I was useless are fixing cars.

Over tea in the local Wetherspoons, she spotted a leaflet for the Roy Chubby Brown Christmas Show that night & immediately booked tickets on her phone for the three of us.

When we arrived at the theatre, the man on the door tried to say the show was inappropriate for children, but mum barged past and found 3 seats near the front.

She was wearing a nightie & Eli was in his pyjamas & we'd brought them a duvet to wrap round themselves, as the original Edinburgh show had been a pyjama-show.

As the show began the crowd all started repeatedly shouting "you fat b*stard" (as they do a Chubby Brown gigs) & your mum immediately stood up to berate everyone for swearing in front of Eli, but as she stood up, she realised she'd wet herself so sat right back down.

The three of us had to shuffle out as discretely as possible without getting heckled.

As we successfully exited, some people claimed our seats & immediately threw your mum's discarded wet knickers into the face of Chubby Brown.

We ran back to the hotel & locked ourselves in the room.

[cheesydreamland]

26th November 2020

Weird dream: It was like that Will Smith film where he was the last human alive & everyone else was a CGI zombie who comes out at night, but instead of Will Smith & a fierce Alsatian, it was me my timid Jack Russell.

We wandered around every day hunting squirrels (the only wildlife our dog will chase) & hiding at night in my grandma's old cellar.

After a while, we discovered George W Bush was still alive & he decided that because there were now two of us, we needed a president (him) & asked me to be his campaign manager.

After a 6 month presidential campaign, George (the only candidate) was elected by 1 vote to nil.

I had to single-handedly fulfil his main campaign promise - to build a wall round Lancashire to keep the zombies out.

[cheesydreamland]

26th October 2020

Weird dream: I was forcibly recruited into the Roman army by the Emperor Boris & told that I had to subdue the people of Blackpool into obeying a covid curfew.

There were only six Roman legionaries in Blackpool and we spent out time marching up and down the prom responding to reports of groups of more than six youths congregating on the various piers.

When we found such a group, we tell them to disperse back to the home towns, but they kept ignoring us, so we'd form one of those little tortoise formations that Romans do with their shields over their heads (but small cos there were only six of us), whilst the kids would pelt us with rocks. We'd eventually corner them at the end of the pier, then throw them into the sea, weighted-down with rocks. As soon as we'd cleared one pier in this manner, we'd immediately spot another group on one of the other piers so would have to march down to that and do the same again.

My daughter Kat was the Roman governor of Northern England. She kept sending us scrolls from her portakabin headquarters at Charnock Richard motorway services, telling us off for not wearing the correct regulation face masks whilst drowning Blackpool's youth.

[cheesydreamland]

12th October 2020

Weird dream: I was put in charge of a navy submarine & instructed to nuke the underwater city of 'Prestolantis'.

My sister had a smaller yellow JCB-style submarine & wanted to merely flatten & recycle the same city.

I was in the lead, but as I tried to head out into the north Atlantic, various Scottish islands kept getting in the way & I struggled trying to manoeuvre round them, so my sister got there first & Prestolantis was ecologically destroyed rather than nuked.

[cheesydreamland]

1st September 2020

Weird dream: The wife was like a Disney princess, in that she was followed round everywhere by a flock of helpful birds & rodents (in reality, like a Disney princess she also sleeps a lot & makes a right inefficient palaver out of simple domestic chores).

This flock of birds & rodents didn't like me & viciously attacked me whenever she wasn't looking.

I had to carry a tennis racquet round with me all the time to defend myself from them. This usually just stunned them, but occasionally one of them would die from being batted away by me.

Whenever one died, we had to have a full-blown funeral for them, with black attire & my granddaughters playing the funeral march on toddler-sized church organs.

Bill Oddie & Jim Bergerac were sent round by the RSPCA to investigate the high number of bird funerals occurring at our address.

[cheesydreamland]

15th August 2020

Weird dream: I invented a new recipe - Black Pudding Bread (basically just bread with lumps of black pudding in it).

Nobody would eat it, but then Philip Hatch came round and tried it, loved it & wrote a letter to some secret guild of chefs about it.

Next day I was woken up by Gordon Ramsay aggressively hammering on the door demanding I bake for him. Eli, Harvey, Libby & Niamh chased him off, armed with assorted medieval weaponry, but he shouted that he'd be back tomorrow with reinforcements.

I then baked a load of bread & organised all our chairs out in the street under a couple of gazebos.

Next day loads and loads of chefs of all nationalities turned up (including the one with a rat in his hat from Ratatouille) & were all sat or stood out the front of the house smacking their lips and making enthusiastic gestures, but then a couple riot vans turned up full of Blackburn police saying that we were breaking Blackburn covid lockdown rules. When I protested that we weren't in Blackburn so they had no jurisdiction, one of them smashed my teeth out with his riot shield & it descended into a mass brawl, police vs chefs & my kids/grandkids. Delia Smith was particularly violent, armed with a broken wine bottle.

[cheesydreamland]

10th August 2020

Weird Dream: Work had an away day, on the pitch at Leicester City Football Club, and we all had to bring our pets to work. I'd misread the email about it, and instead had brought all of my family.

Pete McD from work brought in a collection of small but very deadly spiders in a butty box, but my grandaughter Libby mistook the box for her lunch & when she opened it, they all escaped onto the pitch. Our Director appeared in a UN armoured car, with a megaphone, and declared all of Leicester to be in a lockdown & the away-day was cancelled. Everyone was glaring at me for causing this by bringing kids instead of pets.

We were all trying to get home by bus, but Sam Allardyce turned up in a council van and told us that no busses would turn up until we built ourselves a bus stop. He dumped a load of tools and a cement mixer with us, and worked til it was dark making a bus-stop.

No busses arrived though, because it was now too late.

Instead, we saw a load of gypsies racing ponies & trailers down the hill towards us, we tried to get them to stop and give us a lift, but instead, they just grabbed the kids as they passed and disappeared into the night.

We all spent the night in the bus shelter, taking turns to guard the doorway with a spade, with which we bashed any approaching spiders.

[cheesydreamland]

6th July 2020

Weird dream: me & Eli had gone for a cruise on the Titanic, but the captain was Donald Trump (wearing an embarrassingly tight Captain America outfit).

One night into the cruise, based on a science book he was reading, Eli decided to warn Captain Trump about icebergs, but he said that there was nothing to worry about cos the Titanic bas the bigliest ship in the ocean and nothing could sink it.

That night, we noticed that the person on lookout, Prince Andrew, was too busy drooling at a pair of girls playing hopscotch on deck. Instead Eli & I kept lookout ourselves for icebergs, but when we did approach an actual iceberg, we didn't see it cos the batteries in Eli's torch had run out.

Once we felt the impact, we ran to Captain Trump, to tell him to abandon ship, but he kept saying his ship was unsinkable & that we were getting confused with Captain Obama's ship, which definitely was sinkable.

We ran to the radio room to get them to signal SOS, but even thought there was a whole deck of radio operators, they were all busy on calls selling PPI insurance, & said they were too busy for SOS calls.

There had been a helicopter on the rear deck, but as we ran to that, Prince Andrew was flying off in it with the girl off the old BBC test-card (pic) sat on his knee, supping champagne.

As the ship sank, Captain Donald was floating away sat cross-legged on his Captain America shield, ranting at desperate drowning passengers about how Chi-na was to blame.

Eli & I were getting away sat on a floating arcade machine, until Kate Winslet swam up & pushed us off.

[cheesydreamland]

13th May 2020

Weird dream: We were having a barbecue, but after lighting it, Mrs F declared the meat was all past its best and binned it.

Instead, she said I should chop off my leg and cook that, as her brother Mark was coming and wouldn't tolerate not being fed.

I carefully cut my own leg off and cooked it slowly whole over a low heat (for some reason I didn't remove the sock or trainer).

Once cooked, everyone else turned their nose up at it, other than me & Mark.

Human meat is seemingly a bit like lamb - we had it sliced, on barmcakes, with mint sauce.

[cheesydreamland]

4th April 2020

Weird dream: We were playing a family game of Scrabble in a park & I was on a team with Eli & Niamh (granddaughter).

Eli kept knocking tiles down a drain & Niamh ate a couple.

I got a fishing net was trying to fish the pieces out of the drain, but a council worker kept in a mask kept chasing me off cos the drain was toxic.

I also kept feeding Niamh liquorice allsorts to make her poo her pieces out, but instead she started turning into Bertie Bassett.