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cherrycoke-andmercury · 4 years ago

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rejection dreams

another dream i had (2 dreams) was about being rejected by someone i was interested in..

1 was a guy with a backpack and a bunch of cups, he was at rob/staci's (although the house was different). i was lying on my back on the couch and he was heading out. i was trying to show that i was interested in him and i thought about asking for his number so i could text him. instead when we shook hands goodbye i pulled him closer to kiss his lips. he backed away and was like..uhh idk about that..and the cups dropped..

cups in tarot represent intuition and emotion.. strength would be clarity and seeing truth, conquering emotion.. weakness would be emotions all over the place.. confusion.. hence the cups being spilled all over the place and the embarrassment of rejection that ensued simultaneously.

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another rejection dream i had was a gir and we were sitting on the couch..we were acquaintances..ppl were there too but idk who and the couch was L shaped on two sides so like a staple..and i laid my head on her shoulder (she was sitting in front of me) and i felt really nice to be comfortable w/someone new who i didn't feel i had to explain everything to or know everything about but could just be and just enjoy the company..but after only about a minute she raised up and (didn't want me to lean on her) she reached across me to lean against the person who was on my left..again idk who it was so i dont think that is important..but i felt so rejected and dumb for believing it could be better..i pushed her off and was like wtf?? and she reminded me of a dog and how i had felt rejected in the past by my dogs favoring my ex..

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so i guess i'm feeling rejected IRL for my emotions and not choosing to walk a traditional path but finding that things work out even if nto how i wanted or imagined..

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cherrycoke-andmercury · 4 years ago

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train dream

dream about walking along a train track. if trains are conformity and i'm walking instead of riding does that not say something?

one train was broke down to the left. i was walking through a rock tunnel.. i saw a train coming from up ahead, and it veered onto a newer (assuming) track. there was only one track but under the tunnel was 2..and the train went along the free track.. i was walking there so i went below the track to try to find coverage. it was a bit of a rush and unexpected but i found 3 layers of wooden beams i could travel down. i lay under there, on my back, ad looking up at the train passing by, rocks and debris falling but nothing got in my eye, i saw clearly. it was a short train and i only waited a minute or so. then it passed, i climbed back up to the top, and began traveling back down the railroad path i was on.

so not only was i walking the path but i was going along backward from the "conformity" or "schedule"..

it felt like when something scary/unexpected/anxiety came to me, i was able to take cover immediately and without trouble. the trouble seemed to be the train. i took cover and then when i emerged i felt fine and safe and like i overcame a hardship but was fine or better for it.

// i guess that could be all the symbolism means //

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cherrycoke-andmercury · 4 years ago

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so one thing i have been thinking lately is "what do i want/want to do?"

i've never really considered what i truly want or want to do with my life b/c ever since i can remember i hated living & didn't want to exist/ i thought i would eventually just kill myself, so what was the point of planning out a life i'd never live be able to live?

thinking back, i can remember thinking about what would be interesting to do- i remember being a teen and looking through vogue/teenvogue & thinking how i would i could be doing editorial stuff like that. but it was never like a plan, it was just an idea.. didn't have a drive toward it..

but regardless of that what has ben on my mind is just what i want to do-

- i'd like to pick up piano again..maybe i can find a cheap keyboard somewhere and reteach myself how to play. - maybe eventually guitar. (acoustic) - i'd like to be more artsy..i used to be always doing art..that was a lifetime ago (yeah i'm thinking between ages 14-16) - have more fun doing my makeup..its so hot out right now and makes makeup almost pointless, but i can i should do this more often cuz it makes me feel good & it's artsy.. - find new recipes to make..i like cooking / baking & i'd enjoy learning how to make new things..or how to make my favorite dishes..learn new dishes..etc. - yogaaa like do it every day maybe - be more active..it's hard when i get lazy or feel sore or tire but i need to do more cardio & that includes just walking and being even the least bit active like that. - do more arts w crystals.. - find a good job i'll enjoy (even tho i think i already did..just waiting on the interview to solidify it..)

the point is that when i consider this i also consider what else i want..b/c i realize i can have anything i desire..if i apply myself..i deserve to be happy..i deserve good things..i will be happy (bc i already know the secret to true happiness which is believing that you already have everything you could ever want & being grateful for that)..not everything's going to be easy..rainbows only come after the rain..i will prevail..i will persevere..i will come out on top & reach my potential.

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cherrycoke-andmercury · 4 years ago

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why am i having trouble "reaching my goals"-

are my "goals" actually my goals? the goals i'm talking about are fitness & health related. the goals that i am having trouble reaching are my goals. i believe that fear is holding me back.. i'm scared to reach my potential for some reason.. when i was a teen i couldn't wait to be 18 & move out & have my own ideas completely & do my own thing. but now, many years later, i don't feel like i can do much on my own.. i hold myself back.. i believe that i have some psychological issues keeping me from doing the necessary work to reach these fitness & health goals. so yes, my goals are actually my goals- even though they seem like mere ambitions- b/c the "goals" are things i want or want to accomplish.

what are my "goals" (the ones that i'm not reaching)? i guess i should say that my number one goal would be to eat better, b/c i truly believe that is the thing that is setting me back. if accomplishing my goals is 20% gym & 80% diet then i've already set myself up for failure.. my main goal is to "get healthier" by which i mean have better endurance, strength, stamina, happier overall.. i want to lose 70 lbs at least. this can only be reached if i'm in a caloric deficit.. which is why my number one goal needs to be eating better and staying on track with nutrition. (i say it needs to be, but really the thing i want most is to lose weight & feel better)

can you be more specific about what your goals are?- - lose 70 lbs - be toned; muscular; i want the line in my back to show muscles and big legs and butt with smaller waist - have a better mindset regarding food so that i don't use it as a coping tool or anything

why do i want to reach "these goals"? i believe that my body is not attractive. i don't feel sexy or attractive. i think that if i was "smaller" and more "in shape" i would feel more attractive, and maybe even sexy. i think that if i had a body like the girls i see on instagram, i would feel sexy.

why is that important to you? feeling attractive is important to me because it makes me feel good about myself when i know that others think i'm attractive. this is a bit loaded, as i have self esteem issues, but mainly i do not find myself attractive. i pick myself apart but i don't like the way my body is shaped. its important for my own self esteem and feeling of self worth to look and feel sexy and attractive. when i look better, and feel better (as far as natural energy and overall love/vibrancy for life) i feel better overall- like, i feel motivated, inspiring, like i'm "doing something."

and why is THAT important? i don't want to waste my life. i feel like i actually just recently realized how important it is for me to set a plan of action and start doing it, because my whole life prior to this past month or so i didn't see a future at all.. i honestly did not want to live at all. i have thought, for almost 20 years (at least 15) that i would kill myself one day. so i never had a reason to plan for the future. i never wanted to get married, or have kids either. but now, i found someone who i do want to marry, who i do want to have kids with, because i love him so much that it all changed my mind.. he makes me want to be a better person, and i know that he loves me anyway (even if i don't change). he doesn't judge me and he supports me (even if it feels hard to receive sometimes). so, it's important for me to get healthier (and more in shape and feel sexy and good about myself) b/c i want to enjoy my life. i don't enjoy my life when i'm constantly running from my problems by eating the emotions, i don't feel good about myself when i'm stagnant and unfocused. i feel better about myself when i'm bettering myself. i see my partner bettering himself and i feel like i need to match the work he's putting in.

what can i do to change it so i can reach "these goals"? - meal prep so i don't have any excuses of what i'm eating when it comes to meal time [set aside time to cook and prep every few days] - keep track of my progress so that i see i am progressing from week to week - eat better. don't be snacking crazy. stay on track w/ my nutrition goals. - drink more water. i would like to set a certain amount as a goal & stick to it. - stop putting myself down- lift myself up by focusing on the positives & what i'm doing to get where i need to be. - have a list / chart of things that needs to be done daily, weekly, monthly. [this includes house work, and extremely detailed diet and workout plan.]

what are the 5 main things i need to do to reach these goals? - keep detailed log of my progress. good or bad. track every meal and detail EVERYTHING. [this involves me getting out of my head in regard to WHY i'm tracking. it was once a bad thing for me since i was anorexic. that was so long ago though. tracking isn't to shame myself, but rather to clearly and honestly see where i am at so that i can change what needs to be changed.... it's all about being honest, b/c if i want to reach these goals i have to be transparent & stick to the schedule. that is the only way.] - be objective when i am tracking everything [and when reading back the data]. don't put myself down for any reason. just look at it as facts. it's just numbers & details that help us see where we're at so we can make sure if we are going where we need to. there's nothing GOOD or BAD about it. it's just details. so if it's just details to track and measure progress, and we don't deserve rewards or punishment for it, then we can adjust the plan accordingly & reach the goals we have. - set up a direct plan of action and tackle it to hell. each detail of the plan is devised with my best in mind. i am setting myself up to win. i want to win at life, so i must follow the plan. the plan is only mine, it is my own, i make it what it is, and i want to win so i choose to follow the plan. - be grateful for the entire process. i used to not want to exist, but now i see why. i had to meet taylor and learn what i had to learn. so much has happened. my eyes were opened. taylor is my flame and we need to do what we need to do (separately as well as together) to ascend higher. i know that there is a lot to tackle, and when emotions get in the way we spaz out, but i believe that we are such strong individuals that have already been through hell & back... this is actually a joy ride, if you think about it. i have everything that i wanted ... i live in the highlands, i have an amazing boyfriend who shares the same goals and desires as me, even though we don't talk "as much as i'd like to" i know that i can rely on him to if i need to, and he's not perfect but he is spiritually open and evolving the same as i am. we were meant for each other, we were meant to cheer each other on, and be there for one another. this is my duty to fulfill.. me reaching my goals is actually required of me, more than i [have] realize[d before].. i am alive and i am grateful for everything that has happened.. i must remember this.. this is my "2nd chance".. i'm living proof that "it gets better" and my dream life is literally at my finger tips... on the other side of my fear... - stop looking at this as punishment, and realize this is my reward. knowing all that i know i must be able to see that this realization and the act of living out all of the above, in order to reach my goals, is in itself the reward. the reward is not the "final product" by which i mean me hitting my goal of losing all the weight. no. the reward is me being able to wake up every day, as my second chances, and fulfill my destiny. each time i realize this and see clearly that i do have the power to transcend, i am filled w/ such love that it overcomes whatever hate and dust that i spent so much time in. i'm currently creating my future.. every action i do adds up to create a future that i can either love /that much more/ or one that i can feel stuck in and continuously regret. what kind of life is it to continuously regret? get out of the fear of being amazing..and realize you already are amazing..you just have to shed the extra fat (which is the comfort blanket you've been holding on to)..

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