cherrycokkee

[cherrycokkee]

20-06-2025

there is no god. but when i think of krishna, it feels like someone is there for me. its lonely of me.

i just wanted to say that i'm going good so far. doing good maybe. when everything is going right it doesn't take long for it to go wrong. and when i goes wrong it it gets really really bad, more extreme than when i was happy. but im used to this now. it doesn't matter now.

it's my fav weather again. rain. and evermore album. music and pinterest make me feel good. makes me feel like myself. like me. i wanna keep this side safe.

xoxo

[cherrycokkee]

feeling happpppyyyyyy

uk what bbz? ima start taking a stand for myself now. enough of this being a lover girl. I'M DONE. and uk what ima do whatever i wanna. reply whenever i wanna. and fight back. and i dont wanna be the same with any boy, like ever. i love myself again.

xoxo 😘

[cherrycokkee]

:/

Ab likhne ka bhi man nhi karta... Uski yaad aati hai bas, aur kuch karne ka man nhi karta. Ro leti hu. Bahana chahiye bas mujhe. Fir nhi rukte mere aasu. Dukh hai mujhe. Sab khatam ho gaya. Uska galat behaviour yaad nhi ata. Bas uski num aankhein yaad aati hain. Itni Sundar aankhein kabhi nhi dekhi maine. Gaya vo. Sab kharab kaise kar deti hu mai. Dost nhi ban pati kisiki bhi. Sab ye he bolte hain ki shayad pehle dost hote, jan lete ek dusre ko. Astitva bhi ye he kehta tha. We should've been friends first. We should've stayed friends first for some time. Ye he galti kar deti hu bar bar. Mujhe to sab theek lagta hai par fir bhi door ho jaye hain mujhse. Uske saath raat me walk par Jana, icecream khana, bohot yaad aata hai. Usko baat baat par call karna. Sab khatam ho gaya. Usko ye sab bata bhi nhi sakti. Vo bhi koshish he kar raha hai. Cricket jane laga hai, gym bhi. Padh bhi Raha hai. Guitar bhi baja raha hai. Mai to kuch bhi nhi kar pa rahi. Ho he nhi raha. Man he nhi hai kuch karne ka. Bas man behla rahi hu apna. Ghar par jhagda hote hi rone lag gayi hu firse. Vapas nhi ayega vo ab. Bohot chahti hu usse abhi bhi. Par ab sab pehle jaisa nhi kar sakti mai. Karna chahti hu par ho payega. Vo nhi jana chahta vapas. Bohot yaad aati hai uski.

[cherrycokkee]

03-06-2025

Nobody gives a shit abt me. I wish someone did. I wish I had someone to call mine, a phone number to ring when I'm in need. I miss him sm. Wish you were right here talking to me. I never wanted to be away from you. I had a plan. Now I just have myself ...trying hard to keep it together. Waiting for the next time when I fight with my dad, so I can cry about losing you.

[cherrycokkee]

Can talking to someone u adore/adored sm make u feel sick to ur stomach? Its pretty shit. What do I do... I should stop talking, maybe. How will it help, like from one pov it's helpful, but idk... OR I should stop and give zero fucks... I want someone to tell me what to do. What to eat, what to like or dislike, what to wear, what looks good on me and what doesn't, I have friends, but there is a sense of loneliness. I want someone who'll touch my cheek, adore me and kiss my forehead and say I love you. I want someone to love me and drench me with love. For once, I want someone to stay. All this love that they show in kdramas, do ppl actually have this kinda love? Doesn't matter. Nobody cares what I do. Ig I'll just write here whenever I feel like. If everyone in this world is lonely, what are the different ways through which they express themselves? I write. What do they do? Free will bhi nhi hai mere pas to. Ppl have all that still they feel lonely? Ig it doesnt matter on ur freedom. I mean, to some extent it does matter, but still nothing will change if u dont want to change urself. ugh... I'll make this pass asap.

[cherrycokkee]

I am awesome sauce

Mai to nhi thi itne peeche. Mujhe to sab aata tha na. Sab mujhse aage kaise jate ja rahe hain. Everyone got into IIT. EVERYONE. Mai kaise peeche reh gayi!! Mai bhi IIT me hoti, meri life bhi aur happening hoti. Fuck yaar mera Uni life ka sapna bhi gaya. Bachpan bhi aise he. Why am I regretting things itna. Itna bhi kharab nhi tha bachpan mera. Aise kaise ho gaya yaar. Sab ka sab. Shayad drop le leti to sab better hota. Mai bhi IIT clear kar leti. Shayad date nhi karna chahiye the 11-12th me. Itna kaise apni nazron me gir sakta hai koi?! I love myself now, but I didn't before. Not at all. Itna self-depreciating thoughts rehte the mere. Now look what the actual fuck is going on. Shreeya distracted kabhi bhi nhi thi na. Shreeya to smart aur all-rounder thi. I was never like this. I was top of my class. I know everything. How to talk to ppl, how to dance, sing, I have friends. Now its the time to study my ass off. Sab IIT me reh kar bhi sab kar lete hain. Hum IIIT me bhi hain to kya, branch to CSE haina. CSE lene ke liye log marte hain. Kar sakte hain hum bhi. We have to make this awesome sauce. Cause I don't want to regret anything anymore when I look back at this vacation. JS complete karenge aaj.

[cherrycokkee]

I'm writing a new something something (a story). Idk how long it'll be but it's about a girl and it's kind of like Norwegian wood by murakami. Idk I haven't read the whole novel yet but ig should before writing anything ahead. Yea so I'll do that first tmr morning. I'll read the novel first. Then I will come back to this. I wish I finish this thing this time. I leave everything aadha adhura. Uhh.

[cherrycokkee]

what do i do speaking of my hobbies and interests

web dev ✨

animation

ui/ux course

editing videos and start a insta page about movie edits

dancing

Ig I should start to learn animation and then video editing on my lappy, cause ui/ux designing baad me bhi kar sakte hain on the go... animation me boom abhi he kar sakte hain fursat se. I want to do something dhasu yaar. Something mind-boggling. Ig lets start with animation. On the go OOPs ka one shot dekh lungi and algo ki pdf kar lungi. Lock in karte hain ab se. 1. No chatting on Instagram. 2. Tp me to watch something or cook something. 3. Write at the end of the day what u did and what new u learnt.

[cherrycokkee]

i see right thru me

I see right thru me. I'm healing ig. Haven't opened my locked folder in a while. I don't dare to. The next breakdown is building up. It'll be fine. I'm pulling thru this great. I can't listen to love songs or even breakup songs. Haven't changed my music taste. Was it even true? Ik it was true, but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. IDC (I think idc, but I do care sometimes, and it leads me to write something like this). It's okay, I'll work hard and work in a way I like. Will get my new laptop before next sem. It takes everything in me to not text him. Still haven't changed my username. Kinda want him to read this, and kinda don't. Is Instagram just a fake app? Nobody is posting their sad there (when I was little, I didn't know the difference between there and their, so I used to use any one of them according to my mood haha... I was so cute back then, I'm just stupid now). Just some sad liked reels. Why is everyone pretending to be happy when they are not? Umm, I'm also one of them. Listening to Taylor Swift, RED to be precise. I love this album. One of my fav albums. Best breakup album. Has every aspect covered - sad, happy, rage, guilt, vulnerable, that I still miss them part too. I'm doing great ig. I'll study and watch TV, and I have to go out tomorrow to cheer my brother. I wonder how it will be seeing him again. I think my heart will ache. God, I love Taylor Swift again!! Her old albums feel so nostalgic. Gonna get posters. Do I believe in god? Idk, we'll see. Do I believe in myself? Ig yes? It's getting better. But it's a little boring now. Don't let go is what I'll say to myself. Ig I'm gonna love him forever. I've never loved someone this much. Never had anyone like this. Never had so many memories with someone in such a short while. I wonder how he is doing..

[cherrycokkee]

yesterday (21-05-2025)

He'll never find this post, and I'm a little sad for this. I'm crying, cause I really liked him. This was the first time I had this vibe match with someone. He never felt that vibe with me. He said he still cares for me, ik it's true. But if he really cared about me and about us, he would not have let us go. I'm trying my best not to cry, but I observed it today. I buried it inside today, and I was watching a show on TV, and the couple had a divorce, and I was in tears. I controlled myself to not cry in front of my mom. He'll never know this, but HE KNEW ME SO WELL. No one's ever had me like him. He said that we'll both be good off alone, and we don't get along well. But I loved him so dearly. Why does no one want to stay with me? Is it bad to love someone? I loved him so much, and this is what he did to me. Not tryna play the victim. Now I get what she felt when he left her. He said he vibed with her so much, and still, he let her go. He said he never got that vibe from me. But this doesn't bother me much now, ik it should. Maybe I'm still in denial. No, I'm not ig... There are so many memories of us. How do I let them go? I don't want to. I want to relive those with him again. He said he's sorry for hurting me. Sorry doesn't fix the mess my life has become. He said no one knew him so well as she did. How do i just let go of the feeling when we were together.. walking, talking, holding hands, sitting together in the bus, my hands holding onto his arms, us kissing, his warm hands, his pretty eyes, I'd never eyes as pretty as his...How do I just let go when we were so fine together? He used to hug me so tight, so fucking tight felt like he was crushing my ribs and it was so warm and his arms were my home... I still have so much love for him, where do I put it?! Can't even tell him I'm crying, don't want to trouble him. His pretty face. wont get to touch it ever. The last time we hugged, I had this feeling that this might be our last hug. Should've hugged him tighter. I don't want anyone else. I want him here... Come back to me, Arham I'm sorry.. I'm full of regrets. Things I should not have done or should have done. What will happen to our reel collection!! We have not recreated one single reel from it. I had our beautiful house in my mind. Us dancing and singing and eating, and lying in bed together. Going on trips across the world. What about all the plans we made!!?? I miss you Arham. There was no one like u. I'm sorry. I can't dare to open my locked folder now. It's all u there. I have ur audios saved with me. U singing and playing ur guitar. Ik I'll start to hate u in future like I hate all of my exes. I already hate myself for that...It'll pass ik.

[cherrycokkee]

ugh this is pathetic

Idk why I'm writing here. I have an alive person to talk to (not my parents). feelinggggg cwazzyyyyyyyyy hahaha. problems with me: 1. Too horny that its embarrassing, I'm not even considering what my bf thinks about me in this aspect and, its embarrassing for me... I've started to hate myself just bcz of this shit. 2. Every sad or break-up song I listen to, I think about MYSELFFFFF. I'm literally crashing. Why am I like this? I NEED TO STOP THINKING BAD ABOUT MYSELF. CAUSE I AM GOOD, RIGHT?...YES! My life doesn't feel like it's mine. Feel like all of my dreams will go in vain. Just like my mom's. NO. I can't let that happen. I have to do so much more than just being like this. 3. I think ima bad bitch, but the thing is I'm not. i just think that way to cope. And now thinking that way has become a part of me. it doesn't feel different at all. What can I DO!: 1. STUDY HARD, CAUSE WE WANNA GO ABROAD/BIG CITY LIKE MUMBAI. Can't stay here anymore. Bas 3 saal aur then i want out, with good money in hand. 2. MACHUDAYE ATTITUDE IS THE KEY TO DEALING WITH MA FEELINGS. 3. DOJA, NICKI HELP

[cherrycokkee]

gonna use this as my notes app

10/05/25

Idk about what happens here.. this world not tumblr. I've written my suicide note and showed it to my bf. Embarrassing ik. My bfs a certified hater, tries to help me and actually it helps many a times. Then he'd come to me and say we shouldn't have dated or should've given more time for the talking stage. But issok cause ima dumb fucking bitch (like actually dumb). Ik I shouldn't think about myself this way, and also shouldn't think about my bf this way cause its his first time living too and ppl make mistakes but sometimes i just feel very sad about all the things he says to me and takes advantage of my mood (not intentionally but since im dumb, it happens automatically). Sometimes I feel like im the main character and how ppl would die to live my life. Its tru... WAIT BITCH IM PMSING FUCK EVERYTHING I JUST SAID CAUSE IM THE ONE WHO DECIDES HOW OTHERS GET TO BE. I HOPE KARMA GETS EVERYONE WHO GETS ON MY NERVES AND KILLS MY MOOD, YES MY PARENTS. MY DAD VERBALLY ABUSES ME. MY MOM TAKES HIS SIDE CAUSE SHE'S A DUMB FUCKING PERSON AND DOESN'T HAVE A OPINION OF HER OWN. ALL THIS SHIT IN CAPS LOCK CAUSE IM ANGRY!!! (ik I'll cringe one day reading this) IK MY AGE AND I ACT LIKE IT.