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[cherubicharm-blog]

Feb 9 2019

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted. I’m trying to pray more. Eat more. Exercise more. Read more.

It’s really difficult. I am not good at it. I really wish I could love myself like all of those Instagram posts instruct me to do. But when I look in the mirror, I see everything I hate. I have so many regrets. So many mistakes. I wish I could turn back time. Maybe I should smile more, breathe deeply more, and be myself again. I don’t even know what my personality is- maybe college is the place for me to really find it.

I really miss someone. A lot. Too much. I need to read a freaking book.

[cherubicharm-blog]

Jan 27 2018

Some food for thought, tonight.

Some people really don’t like me, and that’s okay. Don’t take everything personal. People don’t care that much.

People are selfish and will only use you or want you when it’s convenient for you. When times are rough, there is no such thing as love.

Self deprecating humor is trash and not worth it. Try to be funny in real ways.

Be thankful for those around you. They put up with a lot that they don’t have to, but the real ones stick around.

Manifest things. Even if you think it’s stupid, think about it, say it aloud, believe it.

Do your best. No regrets.

[cherubicharm-blog]

jan 21 2019

I was going to blog a couple days ago, but decided against it. it’s not good to blog when you are emotional. you might say things u don't mean and i’m trying to be concise and correct.

Ive been reading three books at once: Eleanor Elephant is completely fine (this book is...completely fine ig. unremarkable so far), Pachinko (I haven't finished the last two chapters bc i don't want the story to end, fantastic read), and You are a Badass (one chapter a day, slowly improving myself). I’m not one for self-help books, but this one was bright and yellow and calling my name, so i had to do it. i got all of these books at barnes and noble after my dartmouth interview, which was fantastic, by the way. i need to learn how to connect with others like i did that day. too bad i get shy :(:( i’ve been looking at golden doodles online recently bc i really need a cute cuddle buddy !!!!!

creepo college guy has left the premises, and i’m feeling good about it. i went to the gym on sunday morning at 7:30 and it felt fantastic. exercise really is a high. time to get fit !!!!!

I've been trying to get back in touch with an old friend of mine but communication is hard ... hopefully it will work out. i downloaded like 3 new apps to reorganize my life, and i’ve been studying, working, drinking water, exercising, and hanging out w my loved ones. so....this should turn out pretty good!

I binge watched a new netflix series, i’ll admit, though. it’s called “You” and it’s about these two people who are obsessed with this one girl, but i’m not sure who the real bad guy is. the main character is played by penn badgley, who played Dan in Gossip girl, so it’s a pretty good show. lots of weird sex scenes tho, and i am not into it. cool monologue tho. shay mitchell is gorgeous, so there’s another reason to watch it.

have you heard of those vogue ‘beauty secrets’ videos on youtube? after you watch them, you really realize how many beautiful women there are out in the world. it makes you feel small. like, is everyone really beautiful or is that just a thing moms say to their kids and beautiful people say in ad campaigns to sell aerie underwear? 

[cherubicharm-blog]

jan 14 2019

good night my lovelies ~

today was a pretty good day, my GPA is slowly but steadily going up, after getting a 60 quiz grade in stat for not doing any khan academies :’/. Anyway, I won teacher’s pet as my senior superlative which I’m okay about - it would’ve been better if i had actually won teachers pet on friday, but i flunked! I goofed! my bad, madame :(

Im reading Pachinko as part of my english assignment to read the most important book of my high school career and it reminds me exactly of Memoirs of a Geisha (has anyone ever read that? probably not). it’s so good and I’m so sad its ending because i only have 100 pages left. any book recommendations? I guess I’m reading now....

one of my new years resolutions is to take better care of myself, something i should have done a long time ago. I feel happier these days, but i wish i got more hugs. all i do in my free time is watch baby videos and random family vloggers, so my baby fever is at an all time high. I've always wanted to fall in love and have babies. i think having a family of my own would be so nice, and the more babies i have, the more love there is to go around :):)

the weather is still super cold, which is unfair because i have such cute skirts i want to wear, but i can't because i’m kind of sensitive to the cold. i basically live in hoodies at home, especially this one pink Nike quarter zip i got for christmas.

today was extremely unproductive, and I’m seriously contemplating the existence of karma. i don't really do bad things, but then a ton of bad things happen to me. but when I actually do bad things, nothing changes. so....what is the beef? what is the truth @God? i’m out here wonderingg!!! sometimes, i spend my days dreaming up scenarios and situations that have very little chances of occurring. i go through many highs and lows (expectant of life in general) but when i go low....let me tell you. i go low.

remember when I said i gained a ton of weight since prom? I've gained 30 pounds. 31, exactly. and surprisingly, i really like it. i like me a lot, actually. i love my body and my heart and my face, and it’s all good in the hood! wow, what a feeling. sorry this is a more thoughtful blogpost than usual. i’ll try to keep it light, but this is really just a collection of my thoughts.

tonight I’ll pray and hope for warm weather (cute outfit opportunity) and happy healthy family and friends. i feel so wholesome, wowo. so full of love.

[cherubicharm-blog]

jan 10 2019

my iPhone has SIRI suggestions (like call mommy back or stuff like that)...how annoying. i also got my first PM!!! Thank u anonymous for ur comment! Im going to find out who u are and give u a high five! it’s so cool how people actually read this blog lol. i thought I was talking to no one. Anyway, I binge-watched a ton of ‘A Day in the Life’ videos from college kids, and now I really want to go to Vandy and Stanford...too bad they are so difficult to get into. I really wish they weren’t. 

Tomorrow is the day I have Teacher’s Pet (it’s a show thing I guess) at my school, and I’m doing it with Madame, my favorite teacher!!!!! I love her so much she’s the absolute best! I had three tests today and I think I did okay on all of them. I’m praying that I did, anyway. Well, that’s a lie. I find it very difficult to pray.

I’m so scared of college decisions. Applying to college honestly stinks, and I’m so nervous. If I could get into one of my tops....just one. I would be so freaking happy. It’s been a really long year (by that I mean the past 365 days), so I’m really looking forward to college. It’ll be much easier there. My thoughts, I mean, not the work probably. I got my Rutgers acceptance packet in the mail today, and I felt so indifferent and uncaring towards it, I guess this is what privilege feels like.

This guy I know who is in college keeps texting me and snap chatting me and basically bothering me all of the time. I think it is a bit suspicious that he can’t get girls his own age and is instead turning to me. I asked him, “why do u keep talking to me, aren't there girls at ____” and he said “yeah but they’re not u”. immmmm thats a red flag if i’ve ever seen one. not falling for that kind of bs whom do u think i am? I changed his names on all platforms to “don’t answer” and I was going to block him, but then what if he starts to harass me and ends up being a creepo serial killer and comes to kidnap me and murder me with acid? I watch too much Criminal Minds for this. It’s not even that he’s not good looking or anything, in fact he’s really nice and always asks how I'm doing and wants to know about my day. I'm just not into it. at all. he’s working at facebook nyc this summer and he asked me on a date there and it’s been a few days and i haven't replied. is it mean not to reply????? how do i say “not ready to become emotionally invested in someone new” nicely??

Tomorrow I’m going to dress cute for mentorship and Teacher’s Pet/Coffeehouse!!! I have a cute dark green top and I’m going to try to make my hair pretty (something difficult, but worth trying i think). On Saturday I have a lunch date with my friend Bethany and her boyfriend, and we are going to get panini melts and starbucks! They are super cute together, and he got her a bracelet with their names on it. I support them so much *insert heart*

I have so many things I just never wear, so I’m planning on removing all of that unnecessary stuff and putting old clothes in the basement. This is basically just me reminding myself I have to do that because I always forget. till next time - well, probably tomorrow, not gonna lie. ~~~~~~~

[cherubicharm-blog]

Jan 9 2019

Some thoughts on being alone: I drive myself crazy. Sometimes when I have too much time to myself, like in between studying, or on the bus or the train or the plane or whatever I think so hard about things that make me feel negative emotions because I scrutinize a lot of things in myself and I keep trying to change the things that cannot be changed. Not anymore as much, I’m much more lax and easygoing, as of like, June? But still, you know what I mean.

I miss my long hair, even though it was a pain to take care of. I’m going to grow my hair out again, and it’s not even that bad actually. Maybe like 3 more inches and I’ll be back where I started. My hair grows super fast anyway.

Anyway, I watched cute baby videos today. I don’t really watch you tubers but now I am obsessed with the Ace family. They are so cute and wholesome, and I mainly watch for the babies.

Speaking of babies, my babies came today but I couldn’t see them because I was at school. My cousins Leah and Gina are so cute and if it weren’t a safety hazard I’d post a pic of us. I have lots of pix of them on my finsta tho. I’m thinking about deleting my finsta because I don’t really need one. It’s not like I vent on there or post innapropriate pictures. I just post selfies with my cute friends or food pix. Not much of anything else tbh

Anyway! Sunshine baby! Tomorrow I’m going to ACE MY MATH AND BIO TESTS !! YES! I’m going to do so well I can feel it. College? Here I come!

Quick before I go: my question box is open on my page, so ask me some questions !!!! You can be anonymous if u want, but that’s not really any fun. Looking forward to replying! I don’t even know who reads this blog, or if any1 actually cares, but the option is there if u want😆

[cherubicharm-blog]

jan 8 2019

I'm at home sick today because I woke up with a really bad fever :( Yesterday was my interview with the MIT lady and I thought that it went pretty well. It was kind of long though, and I really wanted to go home. I’m so exhausted and tomorrow I have to make up a quiz and get my math grade back, so it’s not exactly an exciting turn out at the moment. I forgot to do my Khan academy for stat, and now I have a 20 quiz grade. oh well. i guess this is it.

it’s kind of hard for me to be in a good mood these days, even though i really try. my tummy is always acting up, and I'm so stressed and nervous about college. what if i don't get in anywhere? i can't go to rutgers, I'm sorry. I know that everyone in my school is obsessed with validating rutgers as a school and insisting that it’s great and smart to go there, but i really can’t and don’t want to. i feel so much pressure that my skin is actually breaking out. i wish i had a super smart older brother who could do everything for me and I could just slap my name on it. maybe then i’d get into a top school.

i really wish I did yale rea, because it’s my top school but no. i did harvard. i used to think that if you have a bad year or a bad time for a long time, the universe will give back to you and help u out, you know? maybe give you some joy or something. turns out it doesn’t. this is all on me.

ap bio is really scaring me. if i mess up one free response question, it’s all over. i can’t believe i put that as my major. wow. 

on the other side, it’s official: i am officially 117 pounds! This is the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life, and gaining so much weight since prom (my lowest) to now is kind of surreal. I'm still deciding whether i like it or not.

anyway, what’s the plan for today? sleep more. clean my room. finish oscar wilde. math homework. math studying. bio hw. bio studying. khan academy for stat. shower. maybe talk to ppl, I'm not sure. check back in later, cya lovelies!

[cherubicharm-blog]

jan 4 2019

happy new year!!! i’m coming to you live from monmouth university!!! i have mentorship here and it’s my first day back here after break. Here’s the thing though: it’s completely empty. I’ve been sitting outside the lab for almost 2 hours... doing nothing. I really don’t know what to do. I think it’s still break for the students, but idk. I'm going to head to the student center or find an empty classroom to do some homework in. maybe i’ll watch a movie or something too!

yesterday i saw A Simple Favor and honestly it was a good story but i can never see blake lively as anyone other than serena van der woodsen from gossip girl. sorry. over break i submitted all of my college apps, and I'm really nervous. what if i don't get in anywhere? what if.... i fail all of my classes? what if.... i disappoint my parents.... :( I'm scared. my cousin got into yale early, and her sister goes to harvard. it makes everything worse, and the pressure is even higher on me. 

anyways I've been drinking chocolate milk (organic valley cartons) every day and now i feel my tummy turning. am i lactose intolerant? idc honestly i will just never give up cheese i can’t do it. I've gained like ten pounds the past break which, although is a good thing, i need to get into shape for real. i start fit soon and I'm going to up my workout at the gym. hopefully i’ll be able to get fired up real soon! 

today the plan is: I'm going to eat, work, and do some reading before i go to sleep. i have to edit and submit penn tmrw. and then..... i need to study for math because math is not easy. i might go shopping for more clothes but I've already bought so many so i think i need to chill. 

i have my mit interview on monday and i have no idea what to say about myself. so many issues on top of issues on top of issues. i have a lot of friends, like a good 5 people i can talk to whenever i have something on my mind (like close ppl). but i don't have a best friend, and i kind of want one. i miss it.

i bought canvases and acrylics the other day, and i started painting again. if i like how it turns out ill post it here. until next time ~

[cherubicharm-blog]

dec 21. 2018

here we are back at it again!

I have mentorship today and nobody’s here, so I’m spending the entire day at the student center doing work. Except, I haven’t started my work yet. I feel really bad, like this strange feeling in the depths of my tummy. My head hurts and I’m also at odds with my friend over a misunderstanding. I cried for thirty minutes by myself in the center. Nobody’s sitting around me, and I need to go to the bathroom. I don't know what I’m waiting for. 

I keep thinking back to march and april and may. I’ve cried every single day from december to around the middle of may, sometimes multiple times a day. My entire body hurt so much. I am really naive, and do not have my priorities in order. There are people out there who are dying, and here I am: a baby. 

Christmas is coming in a few days, and I am excited to put up the tree. People have been asking me what I want for christmas, but there’s nothing rlly that I need. I kind of want a 16 inch squish mallow from shop rite. Thats about it.

I’ve heard that you’re not supposed to say bad things or negative things about your future aloud, or else they will actually happen. Is that just paranoia and superstition? I’ll just not say anything, then.

I think I'm going to eat a cheesesteak or something, since I haven’t eaten in a few hours. I had an iced coffee this morning and I feel insane because of the caffeine. I really should stick to smoothies.

Anyway! More retail therapy! I bought a cute wrap top and a sweater, and it’s arriving in time for christmas. I like treating myself. I think maybe i’ll ask for some scrunchies this year. Check back in later in the day. 

[cherubicharm-blog]

dec 18. 2018

I am a lot of things, but i wouldn’t necessarily call myself a liar. Yeah, I lie sometimes (white lies, mostly) but I try not to make it a habit. But these days, I’ve been lying a lot and I feel really bad about it. I think it’s taking a toll on my body too. My tummy hurts. 

The movie we’re watching in french is turning out to be really good, and I can’t wait to finish it. I might have to watch it on my own because it’s just that good. I have so much to finish over winter break, and I’m pooped. 

I bought a dress with a cute cherry pattern on it today! Very adorable! I can’t wait to wear it. My dad wants me to add two more schools to apply to, and I’m freaking exhausted. Caltech? Really? It’s just a waste of money at this point, and it’s not like I’m going to get in. Retail therapy is here for me, I guess. Not really. 

I feel chubbier these days, which i guess is a good thing. My face feels phatter and my legs feel wider. It’s probably my imagination. I really shouldn’t care.

Things that everyone talks about these days: college, tik toks, smash (the game). I am not half bad at smash, contrary to popular belief - kirby is really easy to play! I beat someone once, lol.

I think that blogging is pretty good for my soul. I have a lot of hopes and dreams and desires to say and do things in my life,that I just can’t right now. I don’t know if I believe in fate. The big guy upstairs is supposed to help me out right? It’s difficult to have faith, rip

[cherubicharm-blog]

Dec 17 2018

I’m writing this in French class because we r watching a movie about Irish boys and well, it’s not very interesting to me. I’m looking up from time to time so ik what it’s rlly about.

Mrs sohayda told me to watch game of thrones but I can’t find it online and my college apps need to be edited big time. I realized I still have to do uchicago, and I’m finding it rlly difficult to figure out what to say for it. I guess I’m not as quirky as I thought I was. I’m going to “submit” all of my apps this week but actually work on them even more over the break. I’m really not looking forward to it, but I’m going to try my best and do the best I can do that I don’t have any regrets come decision time.

It’s so weird watching people “fall in love” on screen - it’s actually kind of uncomfortable. Madame and I are doing teacher’s pet together and she asked me what I want the most in life. It’s kind of sad that she got it right??? Why does Madame understand me so much? Probably because she is a pisces.

Do I actually believe in astrology? Not really but I think te compatibility stuff is onto something. It’s nice to have validation or reasons why you dislike or don’t get along with someone. I wrote my Princeton essay about conversation and it’s lowkey bland. I’m kind of scared.

What are my personality traits? I’ve been thinking about myself a lot these days and it’s hard to pinpoint the kind of person I am. I think the best word to describe me is : trying.

[cherubicharm-blog]

dec. 16 2018

feeling: anxious. 

Editing my college apps is taking ... a lot longer than I thought it would. I write something today and two days later I hate it. I wish I had low standards- maybe then I’d be able to actually get things done. 

I ran into Emily and Jessica at Costco today lol. they were buying things for the nhs drive that I should be donating to (whoops). I am going shopping next week after my apps are all submitted, and I’m feeling really good about this! i really don’t want to go to new years this time because everyone is going to be bothering me with questions. i also have a lot of regret because of my apps. i really regret my early, and i should have done somewhere easier. i didnt get rejected or anything, but I'm just scared about whats to come. 

breakfast: a croissant with egg and cheese

lunch: noodles and two chocolate milk cartons lol 

snack: a croissant with strawberry jam (cravings ok)

dinner: TBD

i made a spreadsheet for all of my colleges with their requirements and acceptance rates and .... vanderbilt is 7%??? since when? this rlly isn’t fair in my opinion, and i reject these numbers!!!!! what the heck! whose idea was it to not accept so many kids? i just wanna talk ...

we r doing secret santa in my french class and i really don;t want anything. i guess this is what privilege is. am i a minority? I'm not sure how far my privilege goes. 

[cherubicharm-blog]

dec 15 2018

My early action results got released like a day ago or something : deferral. It’s ok, whatever. I am ready to submit the rest of my apps and be done with this awful process.

Cons:

-my grades are poop

-I’m never hungry :(

-stress acne

-feeling not the most optimistic abt my future

Pros:

-my friend got into duke!!!! So proud of him!

-I bought a cute little skirt I’m excited to wear

-I’m getting close with my guidance counselor and I love her so much

-i feel numb but happy I think

This week I’m going to submit like five colleges and then I’m going to do yoga and try to become flexible !!! I want to be able to do a split and everything. Also I’m taking hair gummies so that I can grow out my hair a little quicker. I liked my long hair a lot actually and kind of regret chopping it, but it was damaged so I needed to get rid of it.

Jess keeps sending my tik toks and they are so funny and cute to watch she’s so quirky I love it haha...

A lot of people and stuffs on my mind. you know when u just want a text???? but you know it’s not coming? it’s like that feeling everyday. I need to get a hobby I swear to god.

[cherubicharm-blog]

dec 6 2018

I thought I’d start this blog back up again, since it’s been over three years since I’ve last posted. I probably will only ramble as usual just to release my thoughts. Sometimes I think too much and it eats me up inside. This is probably a good way for me to detox too.

Today was a pretty good day for me, I think. I had a field trip to the Princeton art museum with my french class. I already went there once before so this time we really just did the tour and then talked for the rest of the time. 

I feel really good these days, but sometimes I have slip-ups. There are so many things I’d like to do but I don’t have enough time or energy to these days. Luckily, I did not feel sick today, so that’s a good thing. I’m mostly exhausted. You can probably tell in my writing. Sorry - the talk about college apps really stresses me out. Stanford comes out tomorrow and it’s the first real school that people are going to find out about. I feel nervous for others, for some reason. 

Feeling: anxious. nostalgic.

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