cheznii

[cheznii]

You threw me away. You are so afraid of love. So afraid. You threw the only thing that ever loved you back, away. Like crumpled up paper. My love was disposable.

[cheznii]

THE ACHE OF MISSING YOU.

The ache of missing you. God. I never found the right words to describe how it makes me feel. I find myself completely lost and sad, and it hits me out of nowhere. It's like my mind seems to prescribe your voice and presence as a painkiller. Your presence eases my pain and keeps me safe. What have you done? I can't even think of anybody else who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you.

The connection we had. The eye contact said it all. The lame excuses we used to touch each other's hands in public. The kisses, the endless hugs. The way it terrifies me to think that I may never find someone with that I connect more than the way I do with you.

And it's ridiculous, how I always remember you. When I wear certain clothes, I remember that I wore them when I was with you. When I hear a song, I remember how I heard it with you. Do you know what's more preposterous? How I remember you more when I eat your favorite food because I wish I could share it with you. How I remember you more when I see a good movie and wish I could watch it with you. How I remember you, even more, when I visit new places that you’d love. I miss you, you feel like home to me. We aren’t supposed to make homes out of people but I made one out of you and I’m sorry that I don’t feel safe without you.

[cheznii]

I'm having a hard time again, I need my best friend to listen & tell me how I'm going to get through this & that he'll be right by my side, but he's dead... So now what?

[cheznii]

Its been 5 years since we started & 3 1/2 since you left... I spent the first 2 years drunk out of my mind Because how else was I going to get through coming home to our empty house? Or once I moved how was I going to be able to sleep, in our bed, without you? This last year & a half I've given up on that, these kids need me more than I need to not miss you. So the last year & a half, I've just spent waiting. Waiting for you to miss me like you Always do. You did a year ago, but that only lasted a month before you left again. Now we're here, 3 1/3 years since you left me. I never expected I'd wake up on valentines day to your text. I'd waited for that day. 2 months later & I look over & you're next to me in my car. Its hard sometimes to realize its real. I'd pictured you there so many times in these last few years. You being here in unreal. But now what? We're just friends, but I love you as much as I did all those Years ago. Do you always come back because you love me too, or is it Because you know I'll Always be waiting? I've missed you. I've missed you so much it physically hurt, but sitting next to you, when your arm brushes mine & I can't reach out for your hand... That hurts too. So where do I go from here? Will I forever be the girl waiting for you? Waiting for us? I don't think I can stop.

[cheznii]

"There is darkness in her smile, yet even as she lay crumpled at your feet with tears staining her cheeks.. there is strength in her that no darkness can touch."

There is light even in the dark, that is why the night sky is filled with stars - eUë

[cheznii]

"I'm not lazy, I'm just tired. and I don't mean because I've been working hard. Not at all. I'm tired from forcing myself to get out of bed everyday. I'm tired of distracting myself from the thoughts in my brain. I'm tired because all my energy is put to surviving and people don't understand that because all they see is how unproductive you are."

— depression is a disease and it's tiring

[cheznii]

"Every night she cries and dies a little more each time..."

Mayday Parade, "The Silence"

[cheznii]

“That’s the worst thing about love, isn’t it? It can happen like a sudden flash of lightning and then leave, and leave every part of you startled and changed and more empty than you ever thought you were.”

—

[cheznii]

“If you ever come back I will not be the same person you knew, that person is gone, you destroyed them. I am different now, you’ll see.”

— to my ex best friend

[cheznii]

“You don’t know this new me, I put back my pieces differently.”

—

[cheznii]

“We’re so distracted by how things end, we usually forget how beautiful the beginning was.”

— Lamiya Waheed

[cheznii]

“Please stop destroying what is left of your heart by constantly thinking about things that have broken you.”

— Nikita Gill

[cheznii]

When you saw me, you asked what happened to us. Its almost like you forgot that you're the one who left. It's been two years & I am so tired of missing you every single day...

[cheznii]

“I’m not the same person anymore. Loving you did that to me.”

— Leohearts

[cheznii]

“I loved you because You were the stable ground in my quaking world. You saw into me instead of straight through me. You were the only thing constant in my ever changing world. But you didn’t love me. I think that you wanted to or maybe you loved me for the person you thought I could be. In the end, The hurricanes in my eyes were too much for you. You grew tired of the darkness that surrounded me and threatened to swallow me whole. My hard-headedness was no longer endearing and my beautiful smile was no longer redemption enough. So you left. You turned my tears into ammunition and fired away with your eyes closed and you never looked back.”

— Goodbye to our Happy Ever After (via @hagpoet)

[cheznii]

“I look happier. Just to show you that I’m okay without you. So that if you ever come back to me, it is not through pity for hurting me. It won’t be because you think I need you to be happy. And one day, it’ll be true. One day, I’ll stop thinking of you. I’ll stop waiting. I’ll stop missing. I’ll stop hoping. I’ll stop caring. And when that time comes, I will be happier.”

— Excerpt from a book I’ll never write

[cheznii]

“I think there are some people and events in your life that time can never truly heal. I feel as though I’ve finally let go of you after all this time, yet I still miss you. The memories of us still sting in my head and my heart still freezes every time I see you. But I already know we’re done with. I already know our story has ended and I would never forgive myself if I forgave you for hurting me. Despite my feelings of moving on, you’re always going to be a part of me — a part of me that once made me incredibly happy but also destroyed me. And there’s nothing I can change about that.”

— Excerpt from a book I’ll never write