chikino - Tumblr blog

[chikino]

It seems that it is not easy nor simple to determine how to use my time. Yes, I have got more free time by changing my job which is full remote and less stress. But am I able to use my time wisely? That's questionable. I didn't think about it but now I think I should be more careful for that. What makes me happy? What makes me to bring the further better future? Now I need more control. What will make me feel that I have a happy life when I die?

[chikino]

It's still sad for me that my parents have been separated. I wish it didn't happen. Life.

[chikino]

How to practice writing. What is the best approach for me? Find something that interests me. Hmm, perhaps song lyrics would be. Especially those from musicals. Each person has their own style of writing. There is no “correct” way to write. Let’s focus on developing my own writing style instead of feeling disappointed in my inability to write like a native speaker.

[chikino]

Went to a fancy Italian restaurant with my husband. Everything was delicious. They show ingredients first, and we can order the ingredients and how to cook. All of the customers dressed up and looked rich. In our case, we just wore casual outfits but it did not matter. There is no strict dress code but guess people wanted to look nice in a high-class restaurant.

We had a night stroll to a station. He kept talking but I found a cute fashion store and didn’t listen to him, then he became quiet. It is almost three years since we got married but I feel like we still need to adjust ourselves in a way. It was my fault in today’s case though.

Overall, it was an amazing night. Good life.

[chikino]

It is heart-wrenching to read some posts about learning Japanese language. It seems that many learners receive negative reactions when people find out they are leaning Japanese. Yes, it is a super minor language, and opportunities for practical use may be very limited. But human interests are mysterious and can drive people toward something. I truly respect people following and pursuing their interests even if they don't directly lead to financial gain. Learning English is considered essential in today's world despite the emergence of new technologies. But practicality should not always be the top priority. It is a waste of time and money? There is a view only those who can reach a certain extent can see, and I believe there is beauty in that. Personally, I want to learn Spanish, Vietnamese, and Norwegian. But I feel like I should focus on English now.

[chikino]

Was lucky to get free matcha flavor protein today.

I think I have email PTSD. In my previous job, I was a bit nervous to open an email box every morning because receiving emails meant there was trouble, a difficult request, or a complaint. That was my work life. So, even now, I become nervous when I receive an email or a reply, and I am surprised at those emails basically are very positive and respectful. Still, I’m not used to this. I have fear. I fear that someone blames me. I know it’s not good for my mental so I call it email PTSD.

[chikino]

I didn’t remember that I posted some in English here. It was interesting to read them. Life is unpredictable. Really. Last year, I was struggling with my work which I didn’t like that much. But now I have a different job and I like it luckily. Much more close to my curiosity, amazing flexibility, and securing free time. I can say that it’s the best job I have ever had and I couldn’t imagine myself working like now. So, thank you. Anyway, it’s important to take an action. I was afraid to do that though. I couldn’t sleep and I was so nervous to quit the previous job. But I did it. Yeah, I did it.

I don’t know what is waiting for us next but I hope it’ll be a positive change. I mean, if we keep changing, try and error, that will help us in the end of the day I believe.

Before, I didn’t mind deleting all of memories from my phone. I barely looked them back anyway so. But now, I want to remember every moment of my life. I want to cherish every subtle moment. It’s too sad to forget our wonderful moments even in ordinary daily life. So, I’ll keep recording them from now on not to forget. Guess, I become old because the young will not look back and just focus on go forward, and I was like that before. But look, I’m now opposite. Memory is my treasure and it seems like it’s the only my real possession.

[chikino]

Don’t read, it’s negative.

Since the day of Christmas Eve, I’ve been sick and was diagnosed as covid finally. All of my plan was canceled thanks to the virus. Other family members will gather to have fun together. I envy them.

Im struggling to deal with jealousy. I was really looking forward to the new year event. So, I’m lost. I’m grumpy and angry though I know it’s silly and childish.

I feel like I have nothing. I’m in a negative mode. I understand that I have a lot that I should be grateful but I’m cursing this miserable destiny. Yeah, my life is miserable. I want to get out of this.

I know I just don’t like my current situation. I just need more freedom.

[chikino]

Thinking about the history makes me love and hate human being. Sweet and impressive. Cruel and terrifying. No black and white. Complicating.

Do you think the human being is improving? Do you think we will be able to create a better future? Do you think if we can stop the current brutal and inhuman world?

[chikino]

私はいつまで生きていられるのだろう。

Until when can I be alive?

[chikino]

仕事に対するスタンスについて。

「楽しい職場は、家族や共同体を失いイエを求める日本人が行き着いた答え」という宮台真司と安藤優子のYouTubeを見た。

私には共同体はないけれど、パートナーがいて、家族がある。だから職場が楽しくなくても別に構わない。そもそも仕事は苦痛なものであったし、今でもそうであるし、それを無理やり楽しもうとするのは誤魔化しでしかない。身を粉にして働いたところで、私たちが得られるものは限られている。だからquiet quitting状態であった。

取引先の会社がそうであるように、職場をファミリーとみなすのはリスクでしかない。というか、ファミリーにはなり得ない。あくまでお金と労働を交換する契約なのだし。かといって、職場の人たちとの関係性を築くのは、仕事を円滑に気持ちよく進める上でも大切なことだろう。そこに変な意地を張るのはよそう。なんにしても、相手を一人の人間として扱うこと。

[chikino]

I was frustrated and complained a lot at work. Felt bad after that. Felt I was not a nice person.

Went to the lecture about gardens in Europe at the collage. It made me uplifted and satisfied.

Better to be in the environment that I can feel happy. Better focus on that. Time is limited.

Just don’t care about something that I can’t change. Fill my life with happiness and just follow my curiosity.

[chikino]

There are so many books that I want to read. There are so many plays that I want to watch. There are so many places where I want to visit.

When I think about thirst things, I realize my life is short.

I want to be a better English speaker. I want to learn Spanish, Norwegian, and Vietnamese.

I want to draw and paint. I want to be strong physically.

Do I have enough time for all of them?

[chikino]

I wrote job interview’s answers in English. I’m not sure if I really want to take the job opportunity because it’s not my dream job, but it could be my step up for my ultimate goal to work in international organizations for sustainability.

International environment, more business experience, tech industry!

The job itself seems boring but I guess there are a lot to newly learn. At least it’s better than the current job in many ways.

I’m questioning my current company who don’t do R&D by themselves. If there is no technical expert in the team, there is a limit to improve a product even if the development can be achieved to some extent. Finally they hired a new employee who has the R&D background but she is still young and not experienced.

But the new company value R&D. I like the aspect.

In the beginning, I was motivated to contribute to the company. I tried to understand the company’s situation and tried to tackled it together as a part of the company. But I lost the motivation eventually. The job was not fun. A lot of paperwork, which is environmental unfriendly. My supervisor always said “do this not to make the president angry”. I want to work for something bigger. The president doesn’t mind ling if everyone is happy. Its all survival. Where is proud? Where is dignity? Where is integrity? My heart is dying.

[chikino]

Typhoon seems to hit the area I live. It was heavily rainy this afternoon. But it is not rainy now somehow.

I enjoyed to eat Oatmeal with natto. With ice cream is also good. But i think oatmeal is too healthy so my stomach can’t be satisfied and eventually i eat more.

Working in a cafe is nice. I hope there are more nice cafe around here. With outlet and wifi. Confortable seats and reasonably priced coffee. Not too crowd.

In Bohol, I went to cafe almost every weekend. There are not so many people there so I could focus on my work. I love cakes there. I miss life in Bohol.

[chikino]

家に帰ってきた途端、息が詰まりそう。なんだかなあ。自分のペースでいられないからかな。ペースを乱されることがものすごくストレス。私は私の世界があるからな。

[chikino]

はっきりと言えることは、今の仕事は生活の必要のためにやっているのであって、ここから何かそれ以上のものを得るつもりはないし、そんなことの期待もしていない、ということである。私は自由であって、いつでも自分の行きたい環境に身を移すことができるのである。