childrenwilldie

[childrenwilldie]

My Father Sucks 12.10.19

I know going into this I’m basically just talking to myself, but I see this as a good place to rant. (Hindsight: this is very fucking long and this isn’t the). I just caught myself thinking about how nice it was for there to be no fighting, no screaming, no belittling, and overall no bullshit the last 4 nights. But I find it sad that I catch myself counting the days between this shit. And a lot of times it happens a few days in a row and I don’t have the chance to catch a break those days, I just live in agony about what the next screaming match is going to be about... but I know it’s just going to be the same bullshit as it always has been for years. I hate living in fear of these fights in my own house, I hate having to run away and hide in my own home, I hate feeling like I’m being controlled by this fear when I’m here, and I hate that the person who causes this just plays ignorant to it all. He just causes more fights over me staying in my room all day when I do it because of him. 

I hate that I’m going to be 23 in a month and I’m scared about never doing enough, never making people proud, and that I myself am not good enough even when I know all 3 of these statements are not true. All he does is try to get me to leave college to work, that I don’t do enough around the house even though I’m a full time college student, a part time employee, have homework, have to take care of myself, and have a life, still all while worrying about my sick grandparents and other family and friends having their issues I can help with. He’s lucky enough that he gets to work 40 hours a week and then sit on his ass at the local bar everyday (even when he doesn’t work, the big ‘A’ word is prominent with him) and then come home to sit on his ass some more in front of the tv all while complaining about the latest bullshit at work. And all while complaining a ton about me, especially that I sleep in too late even though I don’t go to sleep until 4 or 5 in the morning (when he gets up for work), but when I have class, my ass is still up at 9:30 am to get ready and go no matter how little sleep I got. I’ve gone to school with 2 hours only and by the end of the day I was shaking because the adrenaline was the only thing keeping me awake.

I swear he has a personal hatred against me for absolutely no reason no matter how much he tells me he loves me, which is rare. At this point it sounds like a horrible lover gone wrong and I wish it was, they are easier to leave, but you can’t easily leave blood behind. This man is my “father” and at this point I have been long ready to get the fuck out of my house, but I know if I leave, my mother will get the treatment I get and although neither of us deserve it, she is having a far harder time in life right now than I am, so I can deal with it as long as she doesn’t. He is a manipulator, a narcissist, an asshole, a fuck face, and as many other shitty words I can think of to describe him.

I am a proud person in what I do. I can gladly say that I am graduating college after a 5 year journey with high marks. But then I’m taking a year to work before moving on to my 2-3 year graduate program for my masters. That decision was hard because I know all of the bullshit he will pull, and I have already gone through bullshit he has tried pulling over this. Saying I’m taking a year off from being a “kid”... yet I highly doubt taking 5 psychology/anthropology classes a semester, doing all of that homework, working part time, and everything else that comes along with life can be categorized as “living like a child”. I do not party, I do not have a partner, I do not drink, I do not smoke, I do not do drugs, yet somehow I feel like a disappointment in his eyes even though my parents have said I’m the best child they could every ask for, and my mom still says this.

The other night when he came home, I was going to stay in the kitchen talking with my mom and not give in for once, but as he went for the door handle, the surge of fear that overtook my entire body was too much to stay. So I ran. Ran right to my room with my mom calling after me jokingly calling me a “chicken shit”. I didn’t care. Hiding is better than feeling that fear again. And all the while he “didn’t know” why I ran away after catching my moms chicken shit comment, which my mother then told him why. I will never get an “I’m sorry”, I rarely get an “I’m proud of you” or “I love you”. But I always get “your killing yourself how your living”, “you’re going to live off of me for the rest of your life”, “you will never amount to anything”, and “you have given up on everything and yourself” and the worst is “you’re wrong” even when talking about what I learned in class that day (including scientifically proven studies) and what I have educated my self on through my own research online. I look up to some of my teachers and he has the audacity to call them Liberal Hippie Brain Washing Assholes.

I try not to let this get to me, but I have not been comfortable in my own body and my own life in a long time even though I’m comfortable being a plus size woman and I’m proud of what I have done and who I have become, it’s everything else that makes me feel uncomfortable. I have never felt like I’m doing enough since I started working at 17. With my first job came his nagging of more hours and a second job even though I was a senior in high school still and could barely handle that one because of my anxiety. With the beginning of college came his constant nagging about how I don’t need a college degree for art; and then when I switched to Psychology I still got the same bullshit even though I need a masters AT LEAST to work the field I want to. He tries to force his life down my throat, that everything he did is what I should be doing and every opinion he has is what I should believe, and if I don’t, I’m waisting my time, failing at life, and I’m wrong. I may be his child, but he does not treat me as such. I’m not supposed to take my own path in life, I’m supposed to be the mini him.

I still wonder what would happen if I wasn’t an only child. Would my siblings go through this? Would he be proud of them and harsher on me because of that? Would one of my siblings take the role I’m in now instead of me? Or would he not be like this at all..... but what am I thinking, that last one is likely impossible.

My words to anyone going through bullshit like this with ANYONE in their family, maybe even with friends and partners you’re going through problems with, you may be bound to them by blood, promises, or love, but at the end of the day, you have the choice of who you DO and DO NOT have in your life. So fuck them, if they are toxic, kick them to the god damned curb already, they do not deserve another second of your time. You are worth more than what others may make you feel and you deserve good, amazing people in your life.

[childrenwilldie]

To all the LGBTAQ+ Muslims, you are not dirty. You are not a walking contradiction. You are beautiful and incredible. I want all my Muslim brothers, sisters and friends to know this that Allah has created you the way you are, and you are a child of his. 

He loves you for who you are and what you do. You are a perfectly valid human and deserve every bit of happiness this world has to offer. This year we celebrate Eid-ul-fiter in the month of Pride to acknowledge our existence and embrace our identity. 

Non Muslims are highly encouraged to reblog this post. 

Islamophobic people, terfs, Nazis, Trump supporters and any lgbtaq+ phobic people DO NOT INTERACT. 

[childrenwilldie]

Reblog if you support squishy bellies, have a squishy belly, or have the desire to summon satan

[childrenwilldie]

Well if he wanna act a fool 💁🤡

[childrenwilldie]

This HAS to go viral. This pathetic movie is abusing animals in order to film cheap scenes for human entertainment. The dog is clearly terrified but the “trainers” have no regard for her safety.

Please share and encourage your friends not to spend money on a movie that uses animal abuse to film!!!

http://www.tmz.com/2017/01/18/a-dogs-purpose-german-shepherd-abuse-video/

[childrenwilldie]

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[childrenwilldie]

Radical vegans are the fucking worst

[childrenwilldie]

Omg! My inner little side is screaming for me to get these new Toy Story Vans!! 😱

[childrenwilldie]

When your hand twitches and you accidebtally shave off half your eyebrow #WHYME?!?!?!

[childrenwilldie]

When New Zealand has a crime wave...... over avocados.... #IneedAvocadonow

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When your makeup looks amazing!!!!❤❤❤ thank you for existing Morphe!!!

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Love how I did this

[childrenwilldie]

Banana from art art class today using pastels

[childrenwilldie]

Original film from a show called "Hazel" that I found on the side of my street during a walk

[childrenwilldie]