chillwithchamomile

[chillwithchamomile]

I finally shared a really difficult decision I made about my future today. And I feel rubbed raw. I’ve never been this vulnerable before. But I’m glad I shared it, because I can go into mourning as soon as possible. My life is now my own and I am ready to tackle it by myself. I will have my dream house and my dream job. And I will be happy.

[chillwithchamomile]

Around the 20th of October, I made the decision to be alone for now. Maybe this will be long term, maybe this will be short term. But I am not dating. I can’t do it anymore. I keep thinking that maybe my person is not out there. And there is a huge chance that many black women will not get chose.

When I said the words out loud, I cried. I cried for the future I thought I’d have by now, I cried for the hopes my younger self had and I cried for the loneliness I’m sure to face. It wasn’t an easy decision. Even thinking about it was hard. But now I have to live it. Dating has been a nightmare for me. And I just couldn’t do it anymore. I wasted so much time, either in purity culture or chasing people that were not interested in me.

“If he wanted to, he would”, well, nobody ever has.

[chillwithchamomile]

Sometimes it’s hard to read about other people’s experiences in girlhood because mine was very different. I spent so much time alone, I didn’t get the flirting, the kissing in the backseat of the car, the going on cute ice cream dates, introducing your parents to your boyfriend, having a date to dances, going to the movies with big groups.

[chillwithchamomile]

Oh hell. Somebody I know in real life just followed my burner Twitter acc. And I don’t know what to do! I was about to go vent a bit and now I can’t

[chillwithchamomile]

I put on my big girl panties on today and I finally asked big man if he saw us going anywhere at all and he said no, his priority is uni. And he doesn’t want a relationship. Totally got it. And now it’s over. He just tried to still fuck. No. I can’t do that to myself.

[chillwithchamomile]

[chillwithchamomile]

@honeycocoanut

[chillwithchamomile]

I’m really hurting right now. The person I want did not make me a priority. Because of the kind of person I am, I am always reaching out to people I love, to friends just to check in. I was taught to always check in when you think of people, because it is some sort of sign. So I do. And each time I’ve done it lately, I love felt like a burden. The tone that they use is not welcoming. It’s cold. It’s matter of fact and it is different from the way they spoke to me before. A stark difference, 180. I feel so alone. I sent my final message today and I got nothing. I’m done. It’s over. I want to cry. Why do I get these feelings? Why do I get attached to people?

I’ve always thought I was very direct, but I’ve noticed when my feelings are on the like, I can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t outright ask somebody how they feel about me. I can see it in their actions. It’s clear as day.

[chillwithchamomile]

I really need to be loved on and hugged on extra hard. Been craving touch and I hope it gets to me before depression does.

[chillwithchamomile]

I have no idea if I already made a post about this. But I’m trying to get over a person. And I realised, instead of sending texts to them begging for attention, I could still say what I need to say…without sending the texts. So, I’ve started to write in my notes whenever I feel the urge to text. I write the date and time and then my text under it. And it’s been so freeing. I’m not asking them for anything and I get to get my thoughts out without embarrassing myself. Win win imo. I’m very happy with the outcome so far. I started on the 8th or March, and each day I update as the day goes on. Some days I start at freaking midnight, and go all day. Other days, it’s 3 texts only. It gets better sometimes. I haven’t updated the note since the 2nd of April. And it’s the 5th today. I’m doing better than I thought! I gave myself up until the 8th of April. Then I’m deleting the note and moving on. It feels good to have an end date.

[chillwithchamomile]

I hate thinking about somebody that’s not thinking about me

[chillwithchamomile]

I’m trying to do a graduate certificate. I signed up for the first time in October last year, but because of the travelling I was doing, I couldn’t start and deferred. Then I signed up again this past intake, which was 2 weeks ago. But that was also about 15 days before a wedding I am in. The wedding just finished. But I missed those 2 weeks so I might have to defer again. The problem with the wedding was I had to work a lot in order to make payments for gifts, travel and outfit, hair and makeup. That coupled with my own bills and responsibilities, I genuinely couldn’t start. That’s okay. There’s another intake in another month. That’s not the issue. The issue is the group work. I have such anxiety about group activities since my college days. So I just found another institution that I can complete the certificate at, that doesn’t require group work. Praise be! I had never looked further than my first option. Now, I can relax. Intake in May. Im ready.

[chillwithchamomile]

I wanna text him, but I’m scared.

I want to stop caring about “always texting first” but because I have been the one to initiate lately, I feel like I’m doing too much. He engages. But it is because he’s bored? Does he want to talk to me?

See? This is what I do. I overthink. And I hurt myself in the process.

Why is it important for me to act less interested than I am? Why do I want to prove myself? Why am I up at night trying to think of conversation starters? Why am I thinking about him constantly? It’s not like he doesn’t seek me out, either. He does.

I AM interested. I am taking my life into my hands.

[chillwithchamomile]

There is this stage of online dating, where things look really fucking bleak. You start off, and you’re excited. All the possibilities, all the prospects! The ocean full of fish. And you get to swiping. It’s fun at first. Choosing who you think is attractive, discarding the rest. Then you get your first match and your heart does a little pitter patter of excitement. And this happens with every match moving forward. Some of them message you, other just stay in the little orbit. But they are there and it’s enough.

You start messaging a few people and conversations start. But eventually, all but maybe 1 or 2 die down. And of those two you end up meeting up with one. Then, you realise, so many people have not responded to your last message, or some of the people you liked unmatched you. It starts to lol like you’re not getting any more matches. You used to average 5 or so matches a day (you’re very picky) but now, it’s looking more like 1 every 3 days. It’s looking dry. And you don’t want to be here anymore. But you started here for a specific reason. So you stay. And it’s a graveyard of forgotten matches and others in orbit.

[chillwithchamomile]

I had a beautiful moment with a beautiful man last night at a bar. I couldn’t stop thinking about him all day today, even went back where we saw him last. He wasn’t there. So I did what I know best and got to sleuthing. And I found him. But get this. He is engaged. Crazy. He was so shy while flirting with me last night but now I get it. He was probably feeling guilty about it. Damn. Still fine but ain’t shit.

[chillwithchamomile]

A man I was trying to get rid of finally deleted/blocked me! I don’t know what finally did it. Maybe it was ignoring his 2 phone calls in 30 seconds. Maybe it’s me being on social media but clearly not being accessible. Maybe it’s asking him what he wants with me. Idk, but it finally worked. He did it on his own, which means my address is safe. Being a woman is tough I tell you. Don’t let men know where you live. Even if you think it’s safe. They switch up babes.

This man is really keen to link up but I remember last time was so uncomfy for me. How did I end up in a hotel room (where you claimed you booked for us) then you tell me your mates are coming thought, then try to convince/coerce me into including them??? I literally don’t know why I haven’t deleted his number.

Every time he tries, I get so anxious I fake agree then cancel last minute. I hope he gets annoyed enough to leave me alone. Like, I’d rather use my fingers than go there again. I remember this every time. Like, I used to be waterfalls for him just by thinking but that experience really made me so scared, it’s a desert there. I’m a grown woman but I’m scared of turning down a man via text??? I just cancelled again.

[chillwithchamomile]

I used to be so curious as a kid. Questions on questions everyday. But as I got older, I became more anxious. And with that came less questions. I never asked questions in class, in meetings or interviews. I’d meet friends’ partners and I’d not ask them anything! I go on a few dates and I have no idea what to ask them! I feel like I have a smooth brain sometimes. It’s ridiculous. So, I’ve decided to start a new challenge for myself. Each day, I’ll write down any questions I had about anything/anyone. I’ll post some here just for accountability.