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new therapist dude who i only saw once [because fuck insurance] told me to start journaling for 15 minutes a day. nowadays this shit is hard. i’m glad i came back to this secret not so secret tumblr. i just spent the past hour looking back on all the shit i posted here. it was a fuckton to take in and analyze. but i’m glad it’s here. actually is there a better word for glad in this case? it’s hard to read over some of them. partiallly the reason i have a hard time looking in the mirror sometimes. that this was all me. my life experience. who i was/am. nonetheless i guess i’m grateful i still have my tumblrs. i think i used to have another tumblr called mumblr. but i deleted that i think. it’s so fascinating to look back at some of my writing styles from back in the day. some of the stuff i read back stings a little inside because i know a lot [better?] now. about myself. and what a selfish person i grew up to be. i use projection a lot i’ve noticed. i used that a lot. i shouldnt even be using it in past tense since i still tend to project but at least i’m getting better at acknowledging it. 15 minutes. ive got 10 left. 6 weeks without weed today. i’m not sure if i’ve seen any improvement aside from feeling shit more. it’s funny how a few days ago i said i’d rather feel again than feel nothing at all. then the train dragged me to hell yesterday. the story gets better the more i tell people. but if i think about it on my own too much it gets too cringy. and i think what the fuck is wrong with you you dumb ass bitch like who the fuck are you doing nothing with your fucking life except working a train that goes loop de loop around the mall. but the minute i tell people that i screamed SHIT in front of a dad and his daughter i just gotta laugh along with the person i tell the story to. i really need to give up sugar and start exercising. i feel the same 6 weeks sober because i’m not doing anything differently. but i’m definitely not going out anymore. i’m a different person every year. 2 years ago i barely left the house. last year/this past year i went out all the fucking time. and ive reverted back to sheltering myself. subconsciously keepnig my room a fucking pig sty so that nobody can visit. and ive developed a new coping mechanism for stress...age regression. after the train dragged me to hell, i wanted to smoke so bad to make the mortifying panic leave my fucking body. it sucks when your weed guy is your roommate. but right as i was standing outside their door, hank my good old mormon ex stoner buddy texted me. he used to smoke more than me but he hasnt smoked in a hot minute which has been really motivational. this is the longest i think ive gone without smoking weed in a very long time. am i going to be sober for the rest of my life? am i done with mary jane? the world may never know. it’s been a love hate relationship with her. no matter what, i always smoke “too much.” even when i know it wont end well...im addicted to that feeling. what a time to be alive. this one tumblr post from this particular blog freaked me the hell out. i was super aware of myself in 2011. but i wasnt very open to getting a therapist back then. back then it was studying psychology in college instead. to figure out my family originally. but wow. who knew. that this would be it. am i going to make it out of the 27 club?
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it says kill so a therapist will tell me that we shouldnt be together. for your sake. or maybe i’ll say Maybe if we’re supposed to grow old and die together, maybe it means when we’re old peoples. we’r both widowed, with grandchildren from different person, but its aiways you in the end/
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I hate my tattoo. I can't tell anyone. I feel so alone. The guy didn't do it the way I wanted it. And it should have been a sign when he pointed to the picture saying "I have to outline the peace sign it can't be like this." Now I feel like if I tell anyone like Philip he'll be like "you should have done this or told him that." fuck it all. I'm not assertive and I already put a deposit of $60 I couldn't be like "I changed my mind you suck I'm going somewhere else BYE." I feel so sad and I feel like nobody will ever understand...
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i still feel like i’m living with my mom. I’ll only be in college once. so i’m trying to have as much fun as i can before growing up. you and i arent even married yet. i feel like i can’t stay out all night because you’ll just be there waiting up for me. maybe this is my karma when you used to do this back when you first moved out of your parents place. its so liberating you just wanna do whatever the fuck. why arent you ready to get married yet? we’re pretty much already married in our minds. maybe secretly you wanna fuck other people. i think your dad did that thing because he didnt get the chance to see other people. maybe your mom is the first person he’d been with sexually and intimately. he cares about her deeply. and they both cant let go. what if thats us. im not saying YOU”LL be like your dad....
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Jared Padalecki’s words to me when i told him “i’m fighting really hard.”
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20 days. In those 20 days I thought “I’m free now. I’m gonna get out of this Community College in 2 years. Where next? Hawaii? Maybe if i get a scholarship. because fuck Northern Virginia that’s why.”
Day 20: “heyyy i dont have a ride home...i work at petco ;] ”
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just found out i have life insurance. so my family can afford a funeral.
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too much piling up. bottling up.
too much in just one day.
it's crazy how someone can just ruin your whole [day]
it's the voice that nobody was brave enough to speak out.
you're fucking worthless.
i cant ignore it. it's repeating in my head.
ive been treated like im worthless but it was never said.
nonverbal communication.
i'm not sure what bothers me the most...
the fact that it was finally said aloud to me
or that
im thinking about how worthless i am and how it brings me to the bad part of my mind where i think of the man who provided my mother with sperm.
OR both.
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"i used to say I and me. Now it's us...now it's we."
that's what love is. when we forget our selfish desires, and think of our relationship as a whole. and think the best for the other person...try to help them be a better person.
all i want is respect.
i dont like my asshole being touched for a reason. a traumatizing childhood experience. i cant even wear a thong because of it. dont convince me that "it's okay!" when you think that i think it's gross for you. i know you like it. but i dont. i wish you would respect that. i'm tired of talking it out over and over and nothing being done about it. the talks become pointless. i gave up talking about the naked pictures.
this new york trip made me realize that we do need alone time from time to time.
i felt more relaxed. especially because i knew that your whereabouts, text backs and calls were not mandatory since you were on vacation. does that make sense. as you said, absence makes the heart grow fonder.
maybe we will need time apart before settling down. the reason is because i dont want to be divorced at 30. just like teresa, ive dated since 8th grade. i havent had the chance to be alone for 3 years that you did because i was always with somebody. you had those years to figure out stuff and become comfortable in your own company. i'm not saying i want to be alone for 3 years. i also dont want you to pull a your dad moment when we are settled and married because you never got to explore your sexuality with other women[or men]. since i was your only everything. i hope this makes the slightest bit of sense❤
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i dont understand...what is your reasoning to hang out with her? is it pity? do you wanna feel like the good guy? or is it taking advantage of someone with money? because you dont hang out with your own fucking brother who lives 5 minutes away. or your own best fucking friend who also lives 5 minutes away. but yet you decide to hang out with someone who stresses you the fuck out. and for WHAT????? free fucking food? an ego boost? a free ride? your parents can give you free food. or your brother can pay for a meal at the mall from money he gets from YOUR PARENTS. or pick you up with his own fucking truck. i dont fucking get it. AND NOT TO MENTION YOU GO TO FUCKING MARYLAND WITH HER HOLY FUCK WE NEVER DO SHIT LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!! unless it's for pageant shit....but FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE JUST ALWAYS SIT AROUND, FUCK, AND EAT. WE NEVER GO TO OUT OF THE FUCKING STATE. WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! an actual date like that would be fucking LOVELY!!!!!!!!!!! but you go with fucking HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ill never be good enough. not for my mom. not for you. nobody. do we have to be just friends to go on a fucking cool date? you seem to go to these really cool places with her and your BFFLZ. is it because they dont have to worry about having sex? i just dont know.
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our communication sucks. it's something we need to work on if we plan on staying together for a long time. if we dont talk things out in a mature way about how we feel about things, it will just turn into resentment. you're absolutely right. we both say "it's okay" too much when it really isnt. ive done it plenty of times ill admit. it needs to stop. i feel like we'd be happier as a couple and as individuals if we communicated better. i feel like i would at least. i like talking to you in person better because theres no other window or tab to distract you from listening to me.
i'm scared that you'll end up like my dad. he doesnt clean [come on you've seen his place]. he stays home and sleeps and watches tv. he doesnt have friends [i'm not saying you dont have friends but i dont want you to only have me as your only friend. it's good to have alone time and friend time. and that goes for me as well] he's a smoker. he's been a smoker since he was 13. it's fucking hard to quit. he's seen his dad suffer from the effects of smoking for a long time. but he never did anything about it. and he sounds nasty and his house smells and he smells. I just dont want these things to happen to you. i dont want this to be YOU in 30 years...
i love you and i want nothing but the best for you.
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WHY DO YOU FUCKERS LIKE TO FUCKING IGNORE ME?!?!?!?! D': YOU DONT FUCKING UNDERSTAND THE SEVERITY OF MY ANXIETY. IM TRYING TO FUCKING APOLOGIZE FOR SAYING SOMETHING STUPID AND THEN YOU MAKE ME FEEL EVEN WORSE BY NOT ANSWERING ME WHEN I APOLOGIZE. GOD I CANT FUCKING TAKE THIS ANYMORE. JUST FUCKING FUCK EVERYTHING. EVERYONE IS SO FUCKING FAKE. I SHOULDNT BE FRIENDS WITH THE PEOPLE WHO I GOSSIP WITH ANYMORE BECAUSE IT'S LIKE *OH FUCK....WE'RE TALKING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE....WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING BEHIND MY BACK?!?! TO YOUR FUCKING BOYFRIEND OR OTHER FRIENDS* FUCK EVERYONE. YOU PROBABLY THINK IM A FUCKING IDIOT DONT YOU. YOU PROBABLY TALK ABOUT HOW STUPID I AM TO YOUR BOYFRIEND. FUCK MY LIFE I NEED NEW FRIENDS.
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"you're not listening to me!"
wow. i look for a fucking good job and that's not enough for you. im actually trying to loook for a good job that will have something to do with my major in the future and you want me to be a model. even models have to have something good on their resumes. it's all about the fucking money with you. and YOU. you leos and your money logic. i cant. i fucking cant. i need to get out of here. i need to go to boston...a new town...where no one knows my name. i think ill start a new life...
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hi baby. i know you read this page every once in a blue moon. soooo heres what i gotta say:
i wanna have one day with you where i dont have to worry about doing something wrong or upsetting you. i want one day where i dont have to ask "what's wrong" or "are you okay." unfortunately if our relationship consists of constantly feeling bad or asking what's wrong, i dont think that's really love...but more like...pity.
i still love you.
i just want to be in love not in pity.
i realize i wrote "i want" many times in this one post. i just hope you want the same too.
like i said...it's okay to not be okay. but if it's constant and it's all the time, then there's a problem. and we have to do something about it. we work together! as a team. as the avengers. the weirdest people combined. we are the avengers. we're the supercouple remember? :']
btw i havent talked to you for almost a day *gasp*
i hope you have power. if not...feck...write me a letter :'3 id write you one but you wouldnt get it until you went to your parents place.
i think your phone is dead sauce. or something. i heard starbucks was not making drinks because of no water. sooooo did you have workies? rawr.
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i think it's so fucking cute when people ignore me. fine then. whenever you need me, i wont be there.
[[jk...see? i cant fucking do that to people because I KNOW HOW IT FUCKING FEELS TO BE IGNORED YOU FUCKS]]
you both should just be together since you have oh so much in common like OH LETS SEE......IGNORING ME!!!!!!!!
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