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fstgauge *

okay. not where i expected to end up at all. she is loading the gun for me and all i need to do is shoot it. am i really still questioning this or is this real and she actually is interested? wtf my thoughts are a bit of a mess but this time it's all for the right reasons. she actually wants to go on a date with me. not explicitly said but i'm not that much of an idiot that i wouldn't take such a blatant hint. schedules aren't lining up that great in the coming weeks though. i think i have a window to do this before she loses interest. i just want to do this right. not in the "perfection" kind of sense but in a way that feels right. it has to be in person, face-to-face. i hope i don't keep her waiting, if she is. maybe the first step is to not doubt it. have a little confidence in yourself. she's interested in you and you're interested in her. go for it.

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geddon1 *

checking back in after a while. ngl red flags are flying like crazy right now. why does she act the way she does around the other guy and not around me? why are they getting so personal with each other? and as for the other guy, i don’t want to think the worst of him but signs right now are pointing to foul play. not only on her end but also on his end because he’s entertaining her while he has somebody already and he’s supposed to be on my side. why do i get the feeling that i’m being sabotaged? debating whether or not i should talk to him about it. debating whether or not i should continue pursuing this or just cut it off before i get in too deep. i really don’t want to get hurt again but i have this feeling that i’m headed for pain. why is that the song you recommend to me? a song about avoiding the innocent gaze of a guy with warnings of the “games” he likes to play. does she really think that way about me? just another fuckboy with ulterior motives? no. i’m genuinely interested in you and i want to get to know you better and see where things go. but now i think i have to take a step back or maybe even just step off altogether. i don’t want anybody to get any weird ideas. mind’s a mess, i feel like i didn’t get any rest at all last night. there’s this really heavy feeling in my chest that i can’t shake. for all i know i could just be overthinking everything as i usually do but there’s too many signs that are setting off warnings in my head. take everything in and pay closer attention. you’re starting to see some things past the infatuation. can’t shake these thoughts in my head. body language and demeanor are completely different when you’re with me vs when you’re with him. is she the one playing games? is the other guy actually fucking around? if you’re interested in someone else and/or if you really think that i’m just some scumbag, why are you willingly spending time with me? why are you indulging my requests? why not just reject me? is the attention and validation what you want from me? this is so fucked. what am i supposed to do? all i can do is come here and vent just so i can find some sort of comfort and peace. the demons in my head are just beating my ass. i wish i didn’t care so much.

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recov10 a

wow, definitely not the kind of day i expected at all. it was a good easter and 420. crazy the complete turnaround from last night lol. first off, day started off hectic and pretty stressful. no idea it would be so busy but we made it through. second, no way i actually managed to find the guts to ask her to spend some time with me. even crazier that she agreed! it was a really fun evening. learned a lot more about her, cleared up a little bit of doubt that i've been having, and even made plans for next time. crazy to think about even as i write this. of course, we're still just on friendly terms but this is a step in the right direction. can't even lie, i'm feeling pretty happy right now.

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panlout1 *

having another moment i guess. today was a change of pace and it was very refreshing. felt very productive. hoping this new routine sticks, really want to see this one through. also really helpful in keeping the thoughts at bay. i say that and yet here i am in a state of panic. i don't get it. one moment i get online with my friends expecting a chill night and the next i spiral into overthinking and panic. maybe i actually have anxiety. i don't know why i'm stressing so much. not even in the mood to talk to my friends. wouldn't want to bother them on a chill night. damn my thoughts are a mess right now. bouncing back and forth between whether she's interested or not. i lean towards no. it seems like she doesn't make much effort in trying to talk to me or getting to know me. am i just being really self-conscious again? am i just delusional and imagining her looking at me? nah i really need to pull it together man. stick to this new routine you established, TAKE IT FUCKING EASY AND RELAX, and maybe keep your eye out. you're not taking it all in.

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lilbomb q

a little emergency session this time around. maybe i'm overreacting idk but i have been in a state of panic and anxiety ever since last night and i need another outlet. let me slow down and recollect real quick. on paper, last night went great. hung out with some friends, met some new ones, had a few drinks but most importantly, got to spend time with her outside of work. i thought she was pretty before but out of our usual element she looked even cuter. i was able to learn a little bit more about her. but of course i'm not taking the situation for what it is and i have to overanalyze everything, psych myself out, get in my own head, doom about it all, and just be anxious. i can't stop thinking about things i could have done better. yes i know it's all hindsight and it can't be helped but it's really eating away at me. maybe we could've got a bit closer. maybe i could've made a move. maybe this, maybe that. crazy how even in the middle of all the socializing and drinks the thing i wanted to do most was to talk to her. fuck i think i got caught up in my words and i may have said the wrong things or had been awkward. i'm so harsh on myself. but at the same time i think i am learning more about myself and that's a good step towards progress. not with her but for myself as a person. i know i still have growing to do and this experience is honestly helping me with that. just breathe man. you really need to stop being so critical and overanalytic. one last thing that's been on my mind though, she's closer to some of the other guys in our circle. honestly it's not a big deal but it does make me wonder and, of course, i have to look deep into it. they're on a friendly texting basis with one another. am i just a bit jealous? probably. it can't be helped, they're around each other more than i am and they've grown closer as a result of that. guess i'm not there yet. maybe that's per her intentions. maybe i'll never be at that point. who knows? always gotta lean into the negative i guess. really need to work on that. at the very least, the gap is going to close a bit in the coming days and we'll be around each other more frequently. i just need to relax and see where this goes. take it easy and just go with the flow. don't overdo it but don't be so passive that you come off as standoffish. just chill man, don't let your thoughts eat away at you.

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invis1 *

hmm things have been feeling okay. actually things have been good for the most part. pretty sure i'm just in my head as per usual but i have this lingering feeling that something bad is about to happen. i really don't want to be be so negative and doom about things all the time but i can't help it, really need to work on that. good progress made, i think. finally got the yellow light. not saying "green light" cause that would imply that i have an actual go at this. i need to be ready to yield. i have to protect my feelings and best interests at heart. can't make things uncomfortable for anyone. i need to really approach this as friendly and casually as i can cause even my little steps towards something more are something that i fear may be picked up on and not received well. i can't shake this feeling that she is probably aware of how i feel. for all i know she could be uncomfortable around me. pretty sure it's just my confidence taking a hit again but i don't know. we get along well in the space and in our smaller, private yet platonic moments. man she's really pretty. my bad, couldn't help my thoughts just now LOL. i think i'm fixating on the quiet awkward moments a little too much. i really do get so caught up on trying to find something to talk to her about. i actually get flustered a bit, that's kinda crazy. i really hope she doesn't think i'm weird and that she doesn't know about my feelings. i don't know if my heart and mental would be able to take that right now. things have been chill for the most part. hopefully it stays that way. need to keep my guard up though. and maybe not overthink it so much. get out of your own head and just feel the feelings. thanks to my friends for that one.

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cannon c

back at it. in a real dooming mindset at the moment. she probably thinks i’m strange. or maybe she’s caught on a bit to how i feel. either way that’s not something i want right now. i want to get to know her better and perhaps get closer but as it stands it doesn’t look likely. maybe i am just dooming again. maybe i’m just overthinking things as i typically do. really need to work on that. sometimes there’s a sense of fear in me in the moments i think about progressing further. am i scared she’ll reject me? am i hesitating cause of past mistakes? why do all the variables in my head just run right through me? it gets so overwhelming. i want to go further. but am i just going back to before? that thought alone is crippling me and preventing me from making any further progress. a part of me really wants to go after this. i don’t want to have regrets like before. that night at the park, multiple times in LA, SD. so many faces met, eyes locked with, signs that i read. and yet i hesitate. i need to grow out of this. i want to take my chances with her because you really never know. what if? take it easy. one step at a time. maybe i should start with not rushing things. be passive but present. take your time and really feel things out. i’m overthinking as i always do and it hurts and stresses me out every time. maybe i should get my feelings in order first before i decide on the next move. thoughts have been all over the place but i’ve come to the realization now that maybe i’m way too invested way too fast. these things take time. but i also realize the flaw in myself: i’m a sucker for a pretty face, bright smile, and soft kind eyes. guess i can’t help it.

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cannon b

okay went way off track on the last one ngl. but at least it provides good context to keep my thoughts in order as i proceed. now time for the present. at the moment, it's nowhere near close to the intensity of what i felt last time. a part of me feels like there's potential but another feels like i'm repeating my mistakes. at the very least, she is single so by default the situation is better. there's nothing holding me back from pursuing this further than a simple crush. except myself. i really don't want to go through this again. different from my usual tastes but she is beautiful. much of the same however, just another person i had made out to potentially being just another acquaintance. then we started getting to know each other a little better. very interesting. she's very intelligent but she also has a bit of a wild side to her that i wouldn't have expected. i want to get a little closer to her but i don't think we're there yet. i don't even think there will be anything more than what we currently have. is there potential? maybe? i really don't know. do i want to pursue it? yes..? no? i am so torn. what if i'm just repeating the cycle again? overheat. need to rest. till next time.

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cannon a

damn where do i even begin.. well, this kind of thing has happened before. really don't want it to get to that point though. things became very difficult during that time. ahhh just thinking about it all again. i can't believe i still miss her. the one that got away? maybe. that possibility, that feeling of wondering and pondering what could've been? still haunts me a bit i guess. crazy part is i have no real reason to be in that position, she had somebody else anyway. it was never going to be and yet i yearned for it so much. i really wanted to be with her and it was so painful to hold back the emotions i had for her. emotions that i never expected to have. she truly pulled something out of me that i hadn't felt before. so kind, so uplifting, so friendly. didnt consider you as anything more than an acquaintance when we first met. but slowly the feelings grew. they grew ever so painfully. i was really just a fool in love.

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maybe a different outlet for my thoughts will help. seems quiet enough here so why not.

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Felipe Pantone Paints Illusory Graphic Street Art in Parisian Tunnels

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Step into the fire of self-discovery. This fire will not burn you, it will only burn what you are not.

mooji (via khanos)

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Pink

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Gundam, Odaiba - お台場