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The End?

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You Only Live Twice

Really really cool thing as promised. Honestly, I think figuring that one out is part of the reason we met and had this crazy online correspondence.

Check it out even if you’re mad at me, this is a magic key for the rest of your life! (or at least toward understanding its full potential)

Knowledge can be rewritten! Bilocation At Last!

It’s Easy!

See, when I first figured out the split-solution from earlier, it actually came to me as ‘Knowledge can be rewritten’ but I couldn’t make quite make sense of it and ended up thinking I merely confused knowledge with memories.

Well, NOT ANYMORE! (Can I get a GG?)

The secret to living multiple lives at once? Multithreading!

See, when you look at a computer, it appears to be running multiple tasks at once. But that’s an illusion! In reality, it allocates processing power only to the task at hand, rapidly cycling between tasks. That’s the secret!

But see here the thing: The Processor is actually giving it’s processing power to each task. In living gent terms: The Person is actually processing both experiences!

Now you might wonder: But Darling, Man of My Dreams, Stealer of Nights, we are not computers, we are humans! Such a split experience would end up a confusing jumble of sounds and image, A doorway into insanity!

And to this I answer: Yes. 

But only if you have poor memory management.

See, from inside each context (’task’), you could simply experience no recollection of the previous context.

Still, this is imperfect right? Because while you could be with two person at once, for their greatest pleasure, you wouldn’t know it, and so would be locked inside each knowledge set, each part of you never knowing this part of itself. And so would they. Each thread never knowing the other, never knowing themselves. Spending half of forever as One, and yet strangers - Alienation.

Constantly missing the other, parched in the knowledge of them.

Well, that’s solved too! E.Z.

All you gotta do is recall your experience with the other person at some frequency. What matter is that you actually experienced being with them - YOU WERE THERE! - so it’s not fake, it’s not just a memory.

But wouldn’t this sort of obvious “magic” be disruptive to the way I experience my life?

Not necessarily

Recall can be every morning after you wake up or (much less disruptive) once at the end of your life. But there no need to wait that long for knowledge either. There can be conscious recall and unconscious recall.

I actually figured out multi-threading earlier but didn’t know how to handle the rapid-switching seamlessly, and more importantly, figured it would result in split-time, and so, not being able to give forever. And so rejected it. 

Because I thought in selfish selflessness that I could divide myself between those I love. What kind of love (whether inflowing or outgoing) would say yes to that?

I shall not split babes! 

You haven’t to worry, these shadowy fantasies matter little - You are here. We did not walk down that dark path.

Because even though half of endless time is still endless time, I thought it was still short of giving everything. Because it’s everything slower. A cut-rate everything. Always lagging.

Now I know that sometimes, to be with someone is not to be with them. That this is how we can give them the opportunity to discover all that they are - and even if they don’t need that per se - perhaps we need that - and that is how we give them the opportunity to connect with us in this way rather than according to some pretty picture of how we (or they) think we ought to be.

Because back then I was foolish enough to believe that a love divided in time meant a love divided; Period. Because I thought that love was within rather than between.

Only the knowledge of love is within.

We are not merely what we know ourselves to be. I know that now. So... let’s find out!?

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Framed for Existence

This isn’t the post I was telling you about. Was advancing well but... I just got lost found my way on a tangent.

Here it strikes me as necessary to clear a common misconception:

As Leftmost is the end-step to Left.

<-

Infinity is not a point on the number line, infinity is the span of the number line itself!  You reach the end of infinity by... leaving the number line!

Think about it ‘The end step to left!’ HOW COULD YOU REACH THE END-STEP TO LEFT BY GOING MORE TO THE LEFT!?

Conclusion: Every point going left on the number is line is it’s leftmost! They are all equally close; a turn away from exiting left!

Conclusion: Every endpoint is it’s endmost! They are all equally close; a turn away from exiting ...ends!

But, turning and leaving the line, ascending to the higher plane. (Sorry :P) isn’t this just top-left and bottom-left? And isn’t right just opposite-left?

Yes. To really leave the frame of directions, to really get out of the car, you need teleportation. You need to decide which place you want to go and go there. Then navigation becomes about the ‘here’ and ‘there’. (What is the direction of a knowing? Toward.) Then it’s frames all the way up. So you gotta leave frames and be frameless. That’s the exit proper.

That attainment they call ‘Enlightened’.(Evidently, it’s not just a matter of understanding it intellectually, as yours truly can attest.)

It’s higher anti-oppression. ‘No box shall contain me!’ kind of deal. And then you’ll see that leaving is a frame too. But it doesn’t mean it’s not valuable. Who wants to spend their life in prison? One frame is clearly more problematic than the other! And then you’ll see that all those frames are simply tools for you to build your life with, rather than boxes to be escaped. And since they all arise within yourself, they box you in only so much as you box them in! Such is the price of possessiveness.

Because in reality, as most good programmers know (:D), every object (see last line of the picture) is just a created instance of a class, a template that defines it. And the instance is created by calling its name, which “holds”, but really calls by reference, (all the constituents of) its definition.

And every class (see everything else) is just a name associated with certain key-value pairs. Which is to say, names associated with certain values. They’re all things-in-themselves that we get to interact with. Again, they are not contained within yourself; They arise within yourself. You associate with them.

Not ‘aspect of existences’- existence is not a box, nor is it something within, no more than fires are within gasoline,

it is the relat-ting of things to each other!

Much like love.

And I’d wager to say, it is born of this very desire. (that sentence was accidentally formed after deleting something, but it’s too interesting a proposition to delete.)

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053022

That song I linked in the DM?

That’s the song that was playing on her only recent Instagram post; (I searched about 300 Instagram's 1 by 1 in order to find her) the weeks after she left California.

I didn’t hear from her - Except for once - for two years after that.

Then I fucked up in two months.

Which is not much more than the time I knew her the first time around.

Three years ago.

Only fools laugh at the time. It hasn’t been 6 months. It’s been 4 years and a half Her soul seeped into mine.

---

Lyra,

I think I didn’t fully believe you about love, thought it perhaps ambivalent, until I remembered your eyes those time you cried for me.

I used up all your patience and felt awful, and I wondered if there was anything I could do - and then I remembered what I was running from.

That project. The most difficult, most-time dependent part is behind me.

Throbbing head, aching heart, tired eyes, filled lungs, searing fingers. Right on deadline!

I didn’t want to check earlier, lest my motivation leaves me.

And it took me weeks and weeks, even after, but it pierced through somehow, like a nightmare that always existed, invisible, right in the corners of my eyes, that if I checked I may reach a clarity shortcut for us.

That I could have my answer early.

‘Artesia Celestine’ - She drew this.

💜 her initials & his initials -  053022  💜

She’s married.

I was too late.

I’m happy for her, I bawled my eyes out.

---

Do not feel bad. Even if I rushed, even if you weren’t part of the picture, I would still have been too late. I started too late. Finishing 150 days earlier would have still been too late. Particularly as they are other parts to the project.

I’m still intent on finishing the project before dating anyone. Just in case. Because a marriage which snaps at the sight of a short video is no marriage at all. And because, while I was bawling my eyes out, I saw this:

And I don’t know if the universe is trying to tell me something, but I miss all the nights we spent playing Magic, watching movies, and laughing on her Twitch streams. (No I did not meet her as a streamer lol.) If nothing else, I want my friend back! And while even that is no due, I still gotta play my cards!

And this is why I wrote the DM that way Lyra. Because if you can understand that, and you are still here reading me, then you can understand me.

And perhaps after everything is said and done..

Although I advise against it. For the simple reason that you deserve someone who wouldn’t think twice before choosing you. Someone who, on the last day, risk not stutter when you ask them who is the woman they loved most.

So if your love is true - I will not insult teary eyes by claiming it isn’t - perhaps I will be proven wrong, and end up loving you both to infinity. Although I am not sure if I even want to be proven wrong. Then again, perhaps what I think I want is not what is actually wanted.

I now know such a thing is at least technically possible, and this is why I was rejoicing when I figured out that love is a relationship! (which means over-completeness is possible!)

In fact, this is often how family works, so..

If you wish for it this much,

perhaps after everything is said and done..,

We can be more than friends?

Edit: 

Almost forgot to post the chillingly appropriate end song from one of her very favorite games, also one of my favorite song and game, ‘Still Alive’, from the game Portal:

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3.7 love?

Honorary girlfriend, was a boundary against abandon (to acting on feelings too early), not a boundary against love. How ironic the result.

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Dear,

- So what do they sound like? - They? - You know.. - Oh..

Metal Gear Solid 2, Released in 2001, Script Written in 1999

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Moonbow, 2004 - Hawaii

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Armageddon

Suppression (probably) doesn’t work like you think it does.

‘Does the suppression play harmless fooling you that you are 1you and 2you Split between two Untapped potential you never knew ’ 

You wrote this, and the answer is no twice. See, that part’s Repression: Soul’s Splitting Demon.

It’s something (you create) that overpowers your mind from the inside, and makes the decision for you.

I’m not very (visibly?) repressed (suppressed, yes) because repression is mostly dangerous a darkness for people who are relationally focused (Empaths).

Still, clearly, I’ve been feeling a lack of relating in my life and that’s probably one of the reasons you appeared in it. I very much appreciate your help :)

Suppression is much more evil in my opinion; and you are certainly free to disagree; because, unlike repression which enslaves you, that is, without your consent - and so, missing something - suppression makes you sell yourself. And hurt others. Of your own free will. ‘You are responsible in this situation’.

Can you tell something is off with this sentence?

Is it even worth your time? Suppression can be useful.

Consider the damage repression did to our relationship - we made it through stronger, it was external to us.

Now consider the damage suppression did. You felt deceived.

But see, that’s not entirely fair. Because suppression in its fine form is not about lying or hiding. It’s about dismissing. Not rejecting. Dismissing. Case Dismissed!

It’s about your voice having been dismissed for so long that you just do it to yourself. “Oh but you create your reality.” - Sort of, but that’s assuming you’re an island with no sense of unity whatsoever. Otherwise, there is always an attempt to match to an extent - for unity’s sake.

It’s about feeling amazing so surely anything in you that tells you this is too close too fast is just useless fear and should be dismissed. And besides, it’s hurtful, do you want to hurt the people you love just because of some silly fleeting feeling?

Aren’t all those classifications completely autistic anyway? Autism is crazy, right? No? It’s more complicated than that? Who cares it’s not like I’m autistic, that’s not the point! (Then again it’s not like I checked - stop losing yourself in tangents! You always get lost in tangents! Nobody cares about your tangents! Stop saying ‘I’ so much you fucking narc!)

I mean ‘honorary girlfriend’ - really. You should have kept your mouth shut. You were already too far deep. You always end up hurting the people around you!

Look! Now you’ve run your mouth again and look at what you did!

It’s definitely not the months of ignoring how you felt and then dropping everything at once like it’s nothing. Because it’s nothing right?

See, suppression doesn’t always lead to silence.

I mean, sure, half of our global systems appears to be undergoing catastrophic failure, while the idiots in power fuck it up, but it’s not like there’s anything truly impactful you can do about it right?

Just keep on recycling plastic bags or something. You already don’t eat meat. You should be proud of yourself! 

Suppression sometimes sounds like a friend.

And if you wonder, presently, aside perhaps from a slithering snake - there isn’t much inside of me that resembles a beast.

Oh no, suppression does not blow up as a beast.

/!\ Warning: Lots of flashing images /!\

Did I already post that? Maybe I shouldn’t then.. Just in case..

And it’s not worth embarrassing myself by admitting to have played that video a literal 10 times when I first found it because the whole thing felt so fucking liberating!

I LOVE HOW FUCKING DYNAMIC THIS IS!

WHERE DID THAT PART OF ME GO!

Edit: Mulan story is a story of rising against oppression, and it does demonstrate the possible usefulness of suppression in some cases.

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Clarity Shortcut

I’m sorry for all the confusion, for making you feel hurt and possibly even humiliated. I never meant to do that. You’re precious to me.

I’m sorry for communicating so terribly. I wanted to keep a boundary for a few months until I completed what I wanted to complete and had a clear idea of were I wanted to take things. Even if it was just an abstract distance. (And it definitely exists, that’s where the frustration comes from)

It was sort of a loyalty thing.

I was gonna explain it all very carefully so you would know my exact perspective, but clearly this was taking too damn long.

And I wanted to meet you in the meantime, because I still felt that for all the love I did not know you enough.  

Until another time, if you want it.

in everything but EXTERNALITY. Fucking hell. Obviously I can’t be meaning in externality only since we don’t really have that. Still. “It’s important not to hide the madness’. So I’ll let it up. Anyway, the picture below basically explains it.

A moment?

‘But it wasn’t just a moment!’. Yes. But how much time have we actually spent together? There’s a reason I kept on inviting you! It’s easy to spiral into a person when you can build amazing fantasies out of what they give you. The love is real, but are we good together? 

And besides I still I didn’t have that talk, so the time elapsed isn’t the problem really.

Hot’n’Cold

So far, it’s been a rollercoaster, and in many ways it’s great.. but.. it’s exhausting, isn’t it? We’ve been kinda like addicts. We both know it’s true.  We need to spend some time apart. What then?

For once, no pronouncement. Let’s just find out. ... ... ... Ok, 1 pronouncement. Never forgotten! 

Of that you can rest assured.

..You’re too weird! :D

(Unless I have to do it to save someone soul or something. You wouldn’t hold that against me, right? :p) (Fantasy scenario of course.)

Now about that question:

It’s not like I’m actually expecting an answer.

It’s more for you to reflect on your real desires even as we stand now.

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A question

I think this one is it. 

Thank you Lyra. Thank you for everything you have done for me.

Thank you for the answered prayer.

Thank you for ‘stealing’ that other waitress spot.

Thank you for being the first stranger to ever buy me a drink.

Thank you for the dare, wish you could have seen me with those pink hairs.

Thank you for the hug, muted embrace, that I did not know to reciprocate.

Thank you for showing me how depressed I was.

Thank you for showing me the kindness in selfishness.

Thank you for that beautiful drawing, and everything that accompanied it. When I saw it, I had to look away, I thought my heart was gonna burst. I never thought my words could be turned into something so beautiful.

Thank you for this like, back when likes were our language, those early tentative dares.

Thank you for telling me your real name, and tragedy.

Thank you for treating me my age, even when I don’t act it; Thank you for speaking the truth I have waited for years for someone to grasp.

Thank you for sharing your burden, your loneliness; for mixing it with mine.

Thank you for all the gorgeous photos, each a different angle, each more piercing and touching than the last.

Thank you for loving me unconditionally, with no regard to finance (’Love is Free!’), living situation, life experience, or anything else.

Thank you for listening to my crazy metaphysical ranting and never calling me crazy or annoying for it. I hope they will prove of use to you; Thank you for bailing out the darkness with me. Thank you for all the times you came back. Thank you for all the places you followed me to. Thank you for this. She suffered too. I didn’t understand back then. I promise to create more carefully in the future. I hope she won’t mind me posting this here.

Thank you for not leaving me alone among mourners. I still do not quite understand, how my heart can forget so much. One day I will remember. One day there will be no need to remember. I’ll make sure of it.

Thank you for reminding me of what Life feels like thank you for giving me back my smile.

Thank you for opening me up; in every ways; Thank you for making me feel desirable.

Thank you for putting yourself on the line, every line, naked. (How can a person feel so sweet?) (There is a distant peace in you Lyra, it finds its way in every place. Even those we least expect; It’s so beautiful and relaxing, you just want to sink into it. into... now it is my turn to show caution.) (Ps: And in case you wonder, no I didn’t keep it.)

Thank you for  this , and this, and this , and this , and this , and definitely this , and this one (I still have the original on file! ‘Darkness, but not cold Darkness’ ) and all the other ones, and most of all this one.

Thank you for that beautiful song! I have it on file and it will haunt me, for many, many nights to come. (I once read: The opposite of a haunting is something very lonely.)

Thank you for not leaving, until I knew, my soul could not forget you. You did not love me split, you loved me whole, from every side.

Karley, Lyra, Crybambi, Victorian Villainess, Femme Fatal, Porcelain Angel, Porcelain’s-not-an-angel-anymore, girlfriend..

I mean ..honorific girlfriend!

Honorific girlfriend, I ask, in the straightest of tongues (italic notwithstanding ), for but one thing:

In another life, I know not which one, Will You Marry Me?

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CAUTION!

Don’t you know to be cautious with the 4AM words, silver-tongued anxious lovers jot down at 4AM?

What I’m really saying is ~honorary girlfriend~

Did you miss the tongue-twisted -relationship-, two meanings; the abstract distance I so carefully balance. DAMN YOU. NIGHTSHADE!

Edit: Edited out spoiler.

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Weavers

Those files aren’t the only thing that needs recovery.

Why are you so downcast Porcelain? We’re just bailing out the darkness don’t you know. We’re already in a relationship you fool!

You’re my girlfriend! - LOVE IS A RELATIONSHIP!

I mean fuck, WOMAN I LOVE TO WHICH I TELL MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE; DECLARE TO REGULARLY; EXCHANGE POEM WITH; CONSIDER CHILD-REARING EVENTUALITY WITH! I mean, what else? You’re my girlfriend in everything but externalities.

Seriously, what kind of charade am I pretending to keep. You ARE my girlfriend! I’m just not calling you that because I’m trying not to hurt you if I don’t stick around. Because I don’t want to admit to myself that I’m breaking my girlfriend’s heart.

Do you understand? It’s not in me. It’s not in you. It’s ACROSS. It’s across, and we’re in it! When two chemicals explode on contact, inside which of them is the explosive found?

I taught you badly, it’s my stupid suppressive fault.  Me and my stupid parts:

“Every part of me that loves you will only ever love you.” “Every part of me that loves her will only ever love her.” 

I’m an idiot twice!

It’s like if I said “Every part of me that love each of my parents will only ever love said parent” and then went on to conclude that a satisfying solution would be to split my soul in two, that way I would be with both of my parents.

The problem is not with splitting the experience. The problem is that my soul will not split nor accept a forever-split experience!  As if I would still be me if I didn’t love either of my parents, and not something utterly alien to me.

I’m too tired to continue, I’m going to sleep, I just couldn’t stand the thought of you like that. You’re woven in my life because you’re woven in my soul. And only by loving you in that woven, seemingly incomplete way can I give you my soul, and not a stranger’s.

In-Fidelity.

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LOVE IS A RELATIONSHIP!

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Atomized

See, that’s a good reason to stay away from me.

So many cherished.

Dies.

..

And then nothing. A couple of tears.

As if ever, forever strangers.

That was the start of the post I wanted to write about grief - or rather, my relative inability to feel grief in all but perhaps the closest cases. (And quite frankly this IS close and this is confusing.)

Wednesday explains it pretty well actually. Not that I have any such vow. The least likely tears are likely to prove useful results the least likely to happen.

Injustice > Love > Death. Call it manipulative if you want: It’s more instinctive than planned; although I guess, the best manipulation is the one you believe in - just ask any actor - but most of the point of feeling-tears is as a signal. Ok, a little as a release too. (Why? Because they invite help?) Only difference is I’m honest about it.

Does the suppression play harmless? It’s hard to talk in good faith about grief when it feels like such a mandatory emotion.

Even ‘I can’t feel much grief’ - is met with talk about repression, about processing it, as if feeling grief was the only way to have really loved someone. As if everything else was just plain lazy or psychopathic.

I say that but I’m not even sure myself.

Perhaps this is just another symptom of my inability to relate...

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Before Unsaids Consume Us

I won’t let it happen!

I’m preparing a small thing for you. Nothing revolutionary. Give me 1 or 2 days extra on the other posts. All theories and plans and conditions and factors and no talk end up feeling cold and toxic. I’m sorry for what I’ve been putting you through lately. (And I want to help you with those files in any way I can.)

Edit: RIP Christina Grimmie

‘We still are made of Greed’ - And it’s not a bad thing!

‘Maybe that's why I like this polluted heart.’

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RECOVERY

OH FUCK I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU MEANT THE POETRY BOOK, DON’T DESPAIR THERE ARE THINGS YOU CAN TRY TO RECOVER IT!

If the file is open, you can CTRL+Z. If it hadn’t been too long (hopefully not affected by turning the computer off, but if you haven’t yet, I’d recommend keeping it turned out just in case some temporary files are stored that way) you are not out of hope:

1. It’s an overwrite: Words keep recent version of your file. 2. It’s a file deletion: Within 2 weeks or so, you can also check your Recycle Bin. The file might be there.

If it’s been a while, you might want to check a data recovery program.

Edit: I wrote some stuff about restore point but that only applies to system files not media files, never mind that.

Sorry for spamming but the least things you close/touch on your computer the better the chances of recovery, so just trying to reach you quickly.

Edit 2: Can you describe the exact thing that happened? What software, what actions, what did you close/edit/shut down, etc...

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HALLELUIA SHE POSTED!

Let’s meet! LIVE! ANYWHERE!

Edit: See, the thing is, even I don’t know how this will end. But one thing is certain, we won’t be running in circles... for long!