choicesaddict5

[choicesaddict5]

I love with and without series by @alwaysmychoices I still read it from time to time. The characters are so well written and I think you will love it too.

I came across the Choices app way later than most and completely fell for Open Heart long after the series had ended. I wish I had been here when fanfics were dropping left and right because it sounds like it was an amazing time. Since things have slowed down, I’ve been diving into master lists from some of my favorite writers and picking fics at random from @openheartfanfics.

But I’d love some help! If anyone's still around, could you send me some recommendations? Writers who are still here, I’d love to hear about your old favorites. And if you have fics from other writers that you still think about, send those my way too! I know most people have moved on, but I’m still completely hooked. Thanks

[choicesaddict5]

More Lovely and More Temperate (AU)

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Miss Lilac Allende)

Word count: 2.2K

Premise: The surly and reserved Dr. Ethan Ramsey is engaged to the spirited and determined Miss Lilac Allende. However, as they celebrate their love, unresolved ghosts from the past emerge, threatening to unravel their newfound happiness.

Series: AU, set in the 1800s. Continuation of She Walks In Beauty | A Red, Red Rose | How Do I Love Thee

Edenbrook had never looked quite so opulent, decorated from top to bottom with embellishments of crystal and gold. It was everything Ethan loathed. In fact, he carefully masked his disdain as he marched the familiar path toward his study, seeking a recess from the whirlwind of preparations. He reminded himself that enduring such a frivolous display was all worth it if it meant telling the whole world about his beloved.

The loud creak of the heavy, intricately-carved doors announced his arrival. From within his study, a figure clad in the most exquisite shade of forest green jumped with a start. There, by the grand windows, veiled in the golden glow of the sunset and looking even more radiant for it, was his fiancée. 

Lilac’s brief surprise turned into a coy smile when she realized it was him.

“Thank God it’s you,” she exhaled with palpable relief. “I thought it was my sister come to fuss about my hair again. She went on and on about how it was in dire need of pearls. I couldn’t stand it a minute longer! So I retreated here for a bit of peace.”

Ethan watched her from the doorway, momentarily transfixed. No matter how long he knew her, he always seemed quite perplexed that such a lovely creature existed, with those intelligent eyes set on him as though he was the sole object of her affection. The silent little smile she gifted him assured him that he was.

 Lilac sauntered over to him, as though the distance separating them was unbearable. The lush silk of her gown commanded his attention, swaying around her frame in ways that defied propriety. By the time his eyes reached the lovely ridge of her exposed collar bones, Ethan felt all his gentlemanly upbringing vanish in a flash. 

“Hello, my darling,” she murmured, walking into his awaiting arms. Her ungloved hands found the planes of his chest, burning pleasantly through the fabric of his coat. 

“You look—” she paused, her eyes studying him with torturous intnet. “—exceedingly handsome.”

A thrill scalded him at the unmistakable notes of desire in her voice. Breathless and entirely weakened by the familiar scent of her perfume, he leaned in and pressed a kiss on her exposed neck. Then, he moved to her ear to whisper—

“You look divine, my love.”

Lilac, unlike Ethan, did not miss a beat.

“I believe that's partly because of this corset,” she whispered in return, lips hovering over his jaw. “It works wonders, doesn't it?” 

As if to demonstrate this point, she took his hand and carefully guided it to the front of her gown. As his fingers skimmed the swell of her breasts, Ethan groaned, overcome with need. He kissed her quite fiercely. 

“It does make it quite difficult to breathe, though,” Lilac continued breathlessly between kisses. “You'll have to be a gentleman and peel it off of me at once.”

“A gentleman is the last thing I'll be.”

His voice was nothing short of a feral growl. Lilac responded in turn with a soft moan that reduced him to a savage. Before either of them knew it, Ethan had her pushed against the bookcase, intent on doing every scandalous thing she had been begging him to do to her for weeks. 

The sound of distant conversation from the hall brought this plan to an abrupt halt. With practiced ease, they separated, taking care to stand a respectable distance, even if Lilac's cheeks were far too flushed to ever convince anyone. 

Luckily, it was Mrs. Martinez who appeared at the door moments later. 

“There you two are!” She glanced between Ethan and Lilac, her knowing smile only growing by the second. “Lilac, my dear, you still need a chaperone, even if you are to be married soon. You can't be rid of me that easily.”

Lilac rolled her eyes, the gesture too loving to ever be mistaken for annoyance at the older woman. 

“Now, plaster on your best smile, Dr. Ramsey,” Mrs. Martinez continued. “Your guests are arriving.”

“Splendid,” he replied dryly. 

Lilac laughed, fixing him with a fond look. “Just think of me. Hopefully that summons a smile.”

Very gently, Ethan brought her hand to his lips. “There isn't a moment when you don't inhabit my thoughts.”

Levator labii superiosis. Masseter. Risorious. 

As the night progressed into a cacophony of lively conversation and music, the only activity that could assuage her nerves was privately naming the muscles of the face. Incidentally, they were the very same muscles that strained and ached as she forced polite smiles for the benefit of people she had barely seen in her life. Lilac was certain most of the present guests couldn't care less about her happiness with the infamous, taciturn Doctor Ramsey. Instead, they readily accepted the invitation to the engagement party as a pretense to closely inspect the poor woman doomed to spend her life with him. 

Depressor labii inferioris. Buccinator. Corrugator. 

Lilac recited the words like the names of old friends, effectively diverting her mind from the watchful eyes that scrutinized her every move. Without realizing it, her eyes scanned the crowd, easily finding the towering figure of her fiancé among a crowd of gentlemen. His carved jaw worked tightly as he pretended to listen, his handsome face a mask of impassiveness that barely disguised his disdain. When his eyes swiveled to meet hers, however, his expression softened. 

“Your hair is in dire need of pearls,” a voice said from behind her. “I am convinced that is the reason everyone here is staring at you so decidedly.”

The smirking face of her sister, Laurel, appeared before her. Though she was a few inches shorter than Lilac, the eldest Allende sister made up for it with character and snark. Her hair and eyes were darker, with high cheekbones and an elegant nose. In a peach satin gown, she ensnared the attention of many around her. 

Lilac scoffed. “I assure you, my hair is not what makes me an exciting topic of conversation.”

Laurel laughed, the sound unrestrained and just as beautiful as she was. “They're worse than a flock of uninhabited hens.”

“Ethan enjoys calling them a pack of rabid dogs.”

Her sister considered that, allowing an impressed nod. “I quite like that fiancé of yours.”

The sisters glanced at Doctor Ramsey in unison, watching the graceful movement of his mouth as he spoke to his mentor, Naveen Banerji. The latter said something amusing because Ethan allowed a small smile that transformed his features at once, melting the ice like the arrival of Spring. Laurel turned to Lilac with an approving nod.

“Very good choice, little sister. Very good choice indeed.”

Lilac opened her mouth to respond, but something—or rather someone— caught her eye from over Laurel's shoulder. The man, tall and handsome as ever, moved through the outskirts of the crowded ballroom with the grace and tact of a majestic creature, charming smile securely in place. Brilliant amber eyes that were alight with amusement met Lilac’s very briefly, before settling on Laurel. 

“You have an admirer.”

“Who?”

“Lord Carrick.”

Laurel let out a disapproving noise that would have been deemed unladylike by their mother. “The man who wanted to marry you?”

“The same.”

“His plan to court one sister failed so he hopes to court the other?” Laurel laughed as a thought struck her. “Or perhaps he knows I’m a widow and his intentions are wickeder—”

Laurel stopped abruptly, inspecting a scene unfolding by the pianoforte. “Papá is persuading our poor cousin Natalia to sing. You know how she dreads doing that. I must go.”

And without any further farewell, Laurel disappeared into the crowd. 

Lilac exhaled, searching the ballroom for her husband to be. She was determined to whisk him away to a desolate balcony and find comfort in his embrace. If Lilac had her way, which she easily did where Ethan was concerned, she could also find solace in his kiss. Her stomach felt weightless as she searched, every nerve ending buzzing with need. 

Before Lilac could make it very far, however, a young woman appeared before her, taking the place Laurel had just vacated. She was extraordinarily small, with a beautiful, delicate face that was rendered prettier still by her sunny disposition. Her black hair, inkier than any Lilac had ever seen before, was neatly plaited and pinned atop her head, with the exception of a thick, curled tendril resting over her shoulder. 

“You're Miss Lilac Allende,” she proclaimed, her ebullient smile growing wider. “Forgive me for not making your acquaintance appropriately. My father is acquainted with your fiancé and I hoped he would initiate an introduction. However, he has spent the whole night talking to his business partners with no end in sight. I simply could not wait any longer to meet you!” 

The girl spoke with so much glee that it was infectious. It was difficult to begrudge her anything, let alone a societal rule Lilac never understood in the first place. She did, however, feel quite embarrassed about not knowing the girl's name. 

“Pardon me,” the young girl said with a start, as though reading Lilac's mind. “Sienna Trinh, at your service.”

“It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

“Believe me, the pleasure is all mine!” Sienna studied Lilac's face before glancing around, as though to make sure they wouldn't be overheard. She lowered her voice regardless for good measure. “Forgive me for being so blunt but I've heard about your hobby.”

Lilac felt the color drain from her face. 

“My hobby?” 

“Medicine,” she added, her voice dropping even lower. 

Lilac's heart dropped to the bottom of her slippers. She hadn't been naive enough to believe she could keep her practices with Ethan a secret forever. The patients they treated were either trustworthy or under the impression Dr. Ramsey's apprentice was a boy named Liam. Still, it felt like a shock to learn word had gotten out. 

“My aunt was treated by you last month and my cousin realized you were not a boy. Please be assured your secret is safe with me.” Sienna added the last part quite urgently, as though willing Lilac to believe her. “Ever since I learned of your apprenticeship, I've wanted to meet you.”

“Are you in need of medical care, Miss Trinh?”

 “Not at all,” she clarified quickly. Then, she cast a nervous glance around to ensure their momentary privacy. “I, too, wish to study medicine.”

The words were whispered, lost in the din of music and conversation. 

“For my whole life, actually. As you know from experience, doing so was nearly impossible so I surrendered that dream. When I learned you're not only studying it but practicing it, I felt hopeful. You've inspired me, Miss Allende.”

The sparkle in Miss Trinh's eyes, in turn, granted Lilac inspiration of her own. Suddenly, she felt compelled to aid her in this ambition. 

“I can speak to my fiancé about assisting you. He's quite understanding—” 

But Sienna was already shaking her head quite vigorously. “Please, Miss Allende, do not think this confession comes with any expectation. I merely wished to meet you and inform you of how empowering you are. Not only for me! I've made the acquaintance of another extraordinary young woman who was also inspired by you. Jacqueline Varma—” 

Sienna's eyes swiveled to something over Lilac's shoulder and whatever she saw, made her words die at once. She paled, pressing her lips shut in an effort to appear casual. Before Lilac could ask, a new addition to their group made himself known. 

“Good evening,” Lord Carrick said with a bow. Both ladies curtsied in turn, Lilac rather begrudgingly. “You look radiant this evening, Miss Allende.”

“Thank you, my lord,” Lilac returned, thinking of how scandalized her mother would be if she was anything but polite to a baron. 

Sienna, sensing Lilac's dislike for the handsome devil before them, straightened her spine, as though standing guard. This, combined with Lilac's barely contained glare made the baron chuckle. The gesture ended in a charming smile that might have worked on anyone else. 

“Congratulations on your engagement,” he continued rather cheerfully. “I am pleased to see Doctor Ramsey engaged at last.”

Lilac nodded tursely, unwilling to say anything. Instead, she trained her eyes on the evening's guests, chatting and drinking around Edenbrook's grand ballroom. Lord Carrick let out another low chuckle, undeterred.

“Here's to hoping this engagement lasts,” he said, raising his glass of brandy up to the light. “Unlike the last time he was set to be married.”

Lilac looked at him then, unable to conceal her surprise. 

“He didn't tell you?” 

She said nothing, feeling the color drain from her face. Beside her, Sienna shifted closer to her, a fierce protector. Lord Carrick's eyes glinted in the golden light of the chandelier, poorly disguised glee glinting in their depths. 

“He was set to marry an old family friend when his family resided in Scotland. Miss Harper Emery was a brilliant, beautiful woman of high pedigree. Such a shame their marriage never came to pass.”

It was suddenly difficult to breathe as Lilac glanced around the room, searching for an escape. Her gaze fell on Ethan, silently willing him to look at her, to deny these claims. 

“Why did it end?” 

Her voice was strangled. 

“I shouldn't—” 

“What happened?”

“Miss Emery's brother was killed,” Lord Carrick said, shaking his head in a lament. “And I imagine Miss Emery couldn't bear to marry the man who pulled the trigger.”

Note: If you read this, then I dedicate this to you with all my heart.

Part 2 will be posted soon!

[choicesaddict5]

I am bored and happen to have lot of free time so I was thinking of reading some open heart fics. The thing is I read all the possible fics there is, so I thought I would reread favourite fics of people in the fandom. So, please suggest your favourites if you like to.

[choicesaddict5]

I started my replay because I couldn't stop watching the OH replays on my feed. It still baffles me how PB went from having me cry and squeal with joy during the first two books to making me cringe the most throughout the third.

Like how? They could have at least considered our suggestions instead of putting out that shitshow of a book.

[choicesaddict5]

So I did not know who to share with so ranting here

I am in college and I liked a guy but always thought that he never really like liked me you know. Over the years we bonded well and he is my best friend and over the time my crush faded and now suddenly he confessed his feelings and I am like stunned into silence

I don’t want to loose this friendship I have with him and I cant pretend to like him back. So, I told him the truth that I would like him to rather be my friend and now he is not talking to me.

And today is my birthday and I don’t know I foolishly expected him to wish me. When he did not, it seriously hurt.

ITS SO FUCKING UNFAIR!! I understand he needs time to you know process his feelings but he acts like he will not talk to me ever and I want to cry like so badly.

[choicesaddict5]

Ethan Freaking Ramsey! Oh, how I’ve missed you and your dry humour!

[choicesaddict5]

Seeing the crew againn made me soo freaking happy!!!! Ethan and MC are canonically LIVING TOGETHER OR MARRIEDDDDD!!!!!!!

Do I want another chapter of this book with MC in it? HELL YEAH!

Maybe this time they can go to OMalley’s and MC can tag along🌝

[choicesaddict5]

I get to see fandom alive againn!!!

[choicesaddict5]

Vending Machine Confession

Synopsis: Having decided to also leave Edenbrook, Ethan is now racing against Charlie to see who can leave the hospital first. But as they're barreling towards self destruction, they have a chance meeting by the vending machine...

Chapter 40 of the “with and without” series

Previous Series: “a weekend with dr. ramsey”

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x MC (Charlotte “Charlie” Greene)

Words: 3.0k

Rating: Teen (language)

Also available on AO3 & Wattpad (link in Masterlist)

Ethan hated goodbyes.

He hated drawn out farewells and lingering endings. He’d never been one to hesitate when it was time to go. Ethan hadn’t noticed the change until now – the hesitance in his limbs and the dread in his chest. He wasn’t comfortable on the precipice because he had too much to lose now.

Or maybe he had too much to lose.

Perhaps for the first time since he’d met Charlie, Ethan was free from the shackles of indecision. He knew exactly what he had to do, and as he barreled towards self-destruction, it felt like the only right thing he’d done in a long time.

Naveen told Ethan to give it a few days before acting on his decision to leave Edenbrook. You might regret it, Naveen politely cautioned. Until now, Ethan’s devotion to Edenbrook had been unrelenting, unforgiving, and undying. He sacrificed everything to the altar of his career.

He'd sacrificed Charlie in the name of saving her.

It was a cautionary tale as old as man’s arrogance.

But now it had an ending.

The final chapter had been written, and there was ease in certainty. Even if the conclusion was devasting, at least he knew when it would happen. His ego destroyed him, and now it was a quiet, sneering companion in his grief – reminding him of all he could have achieved if he’d been brave.

Faced with mutual destruction, Ethan had the pleasure of pulling the trigger first. As long as Charlie maintained her corresponding threat to destroy her career, Ethan would gladly do the same. It was a small consolation, but it was his to seize. A final sacrifice – his magnum opus of self-sabotage and poor conflict resolution. Ethan ruined Edenbrook for Charlie, and if he could do nothing else, he owed it to Charlie to give her the dream back.

Stubbornness was their chosen vice. Together, they’d buried themselves in the name of burying the other. Now, there was no escape.

The worst part was that, despite the fights that preceded these lonely nights, they’d never stopped loving each other. Neither saw the other as irredeemable – foolish, inconsiderate, and frustrating, maybe, but not irredeemable. Circumstances ruined them, but the relationship itself was still painted in streaks of gold.

Gold that seeped into the red rage and gray despair.

Gold that kept Ethan up late into the night – pacing a lonely apartment until he could no longer look at the space he once shared with Charlie. Ethan was a man on the run, but he didn’t know where he was going. So, he worked until he didn’t have enough energy to think.

Ethan gazed at the Boston skyline and wondered if any other skyline would feel so lonely. New York? Chicago? San Diego? Dallas?

He had offers from every city. All it would take was a mild display of interest, and he would be whisked away to a new life. His Rhode Island roots recoiled at the possibility of life in the blazing heat, but the broken pieces of his soul longed for anything unfamiliar and untainted. Change could be good, he thought, if for no other reason than it would let him sleep at night.

Idly, his eyes drifted to his laptop screen – waiting for the email he knew was coming. He’d sent out his interest. Now, he just had to wait for an eager recruiter to claim the fist interview. Wherever it was, he’d go – sunny, dark, rainy, hot, whatever. Selectivity required too much from his frayed mind.

For a moment, he imagined a world where the email never came. What would feel worse – the blow to his ego or his failure to make the grand sacrifice?

But of course, the email arrived. To those followers lucky enough to admire him from afar, Ethan was still a god. By the luck of the draw, a hospital in San Diego was the first to claim him. Only a few minutes later, it would have been a medical school in Chicago.

Hot and sunny, Ethan frowned. Not his comfort zone. But who was he to challenge fate?

When Ethan finished reading the email, he didn’t feel relieved. It just felt … final. Sad, even. Like the final chapter of a book he never wanted to finish.

For a moment, he allowed himself to picture a new life in sunny San Diego, but the vision was just as cold as a bitter Boston winter – colder, even. Because she was here. And nothing could ever come close to the warmth he felt when she stood by his side.

Ethan pressed “reply” but typed nothing. Again and again, he started to draft a polite yet brief acceptance, but no words came.

Ethan frowned, wiping his face with exhaustion. It was too late to write, he thought. It was too late to do anything. Realistically, he should have been home hours ago. A wise man would have tried to get what little sleep remained before he commuted back to this dark office, but Ethan recoiled at the thought of going home alone. So, he decided to stay. Hopefully, he’d work himself into exhaustion and be too tired to think.

Encouraged by the promise of something sugary to get him through the slump, Ethan gave himself a well-earned break to visit the vending machine. He traced the familiar path quietly, appreciating the gentle hum of the night shift. He liked how the hospital ignored him at night. It was a welcome reminder that Edenbrook would outlive his legacy.

Even on an empty night like this, Charlie was a specter lurking in every corner, but he never expected to actually see her there – tiredly straightening a crumpled dollar bill so she could trade it for a box of Sour Patch Kids. The same candy he’d intended to buy, a bad habit inherited from many a long night by her side.

Ethan froze, watching with wide eyes as she just … existed. How long had he been standing there? A second? A lifetime? Danger prickled at his skin, reminding him of the sins they’d shared in these hallowed halls.

“For fuck’s sake,” Charlie groaned, ignorant to her observer. Giving up on her unsalvageable dollar bill, Charlie pounded her fist on the glass, hoping for a miracle. Of course, the machine stared back at her, unmoved. Her candy was still out of reach.

Without thinking, Ethan stepped toward.

“Let me.”

It wasn’t until Charlie turned around that Ethan realized he’d been the one to speak.

Charlie stood, mouth agape as Ethan placed a crisp collar bill in the machine and punched in the code for her favorite candy. When he turned to hand her the box of sugary gummies, Charlie still hadn’t moved. Equally shocked at the sudden proximity, neither stepped back. She was so close he could smell the coconut on her hair…

They were silent – consumed by the closeness. Charlie breathed him in, cataloguing every new line on his face. It didn’t occur to her that he was doing the same. What would it feel like years from now, when the contours of their faces had changed without the presence of the other?

Finally, Charlie spoke, “I can’t.”

Ethan chuckled quietly, “Yes, you can.”

Charlie’s lips parted, prepared to put up a fight, but then she decided she wanted the candy more than she wanted to yell at Ethan – though, admittedly, it was a close call.

“Thanks,” Charlie mumbled as she clumsily accepted the cardboard box. Once it was in her hands, she knew it was her turn to leave, yet she lingered. The longer she stayed, the harder it was to pull away.

Ethan felt her growing absence like a bleeding wound. Just before she was out of earshot, he blurted out, “I’m sorry.”

Charlie froze.

Accept it, a voice demanded, let this be the end.

But she didn’t. Instead, she bitterly coughed out, “You should be.”

“I know.”

Charlie whipped her head around, unsure if she was shocked or angry. Could it be both?

“You know?” she repeated quietly.

Clearing his throat, Ethan awkwardly explained, “I’ve always respected you and your career, Charlie. I just… I just wish my actions showed that.”

Charlie’s jaw tightened – of course he was fucking self-righteous enough to give a speech like that. Ever respectful Ethan who couldn’t fathom her making her own decisions about her career. A thousand angry retorts populated her mind, each fighting for the honor of being the biting remark to remind him of his sins. Yet, she delivered none of them. They were each too vulnerable, touching a part of her too raw to unleash without opening a door to her soul. She’d found safety in distance, and she didn’t trust herself to test the depths.

“You’ve been an asshole,” Charlie crossed her arms.

Despite himself, Ethan chuckled.

“I know,” he smiled bitterly, “I’ve always been an asshole, but I never meant to be one to you.”

A sharp, sudden intake of breath. And an unmistakable smile creeping across her lips. She stared at himself for a long time, so long that Ethan almost forgot they’d been engaged in a conversation moments earlier. How could she respond to that? She didn’t want to punish his apology with cruelty, nor did she want to reward it at the risk of undoing all her hard work to distance herself. And could that even be described as a real apology?

“I know,” she whispered to both of their surprise.

She didn’t absolve him, just acknowledged him as something other than a mythical enemy – rather a misguided and damaged man bumbling through unfamiliar love. And fuck that might have been worse.

He is close enough to touch, she thought. She indulged in the fantasy where she ran into his arms. It doesn’t have to mean anything, a tempting voice whispered, You can still hate him in the morning.

But she wouldn’t. It was a dangerous game – one she would always lose.

One she was probably already losing.

Charlie was caught between a desperate desire to forgive him and an insistent shame that she was so easily drawn back to him. With equal measure, she wanted to curse his name and drag him back to her bed. Before she could do either, she turned on her heels and raced through the halls – retreating to her hidden corner where she’d been working late into the night to avoid the memories haunting her empty bed.

Ethan watched her go. It wasn’t a surprise, yet some part of him expected her to turn around. When he realized she wasn’t coming back, he gazed at his reflection in the vending machine light. It was the same empty expression that followed him back to his office, where he spent an ungodly amount of time trying to will himself into productivity. Any attempt to work himself into a stupor was ruined when she broke through his haze.

He left the hospital in defeat, entering his apartment like a fallen fighter. A drink in hand, Ethan milled about his home, touring a thousand possibilities of what could have been.

This is the end. So why doesn’t it feel like it?

He heard the clock tick, but only now did he realize that it had always been lurking in the wings. Ethan was always going to fuck this up, if just because he didn’t trust himself to do anything else.

A lifetime of “what if”s flashed before his eyes – what if he hadn’t pulled away in Miami? What if he’d picked her over Edenbrook the first time? Or the second time? Or any of the days that followed? His many regrets flashed before his eyes in a torturous but fleeting succession. But one remained, whispering his deep-held shame until his ears rang.

When he couldn’t handle it any longer, Ethan downed the rest of his glass and dialed a familiar number.

“Ethan?” Naveen’s voice was tired on the other line. For a brief moment, Ethan was embarrassed he’d woken his friend at such a late hour, but curiosity killed any courtesy he may have bestowed by letting Naveen go back to sleep.

“Hey, sorry to wake you,” Ethan grimaced.

“No worries… is everything okay?”

“Yes,” Ethan swallowed.

Just ask, he hissed at himself.

“I wanted to warn you,” Ethan began, ignoring the angry roar when he evaded the real reason he’d called. “I’ve been offered interviews. I’m going to accept them.”

“Oh…” Naveen’s voice fell.

“I wanted to tell you first. I know how gossip spreads.”

“Right, of course,” Naveen murmured.

“Well… I should let you sleep then,” Ethan cleared his throat uncomfortably.

“Oh, I suppose,” Naveen’s voice was detached. He didn’t know how to be present in such an unexpected conversation. It was one thing to lose his friend of ten years. It was quite another to watch Ethan march himself to exile and ruin the best relationship he’d ever had. Despite all the theatrics, Naveen never thought it would come to this.

Ethan didn’t hang up.

His heart pounded.

His chest ached.

His throat tightened.

If I don’t ask, I’ll never know, he thought.

But maybe it was best that way.

“Actually, that wasn’t why I called,” Ethan blurted out.

Naveen’s eyebrows raised, too shocked to mutter out a polite response.

“A year ago, if I’d come to you and said that I was in love with Charlie and wanted to be with her, what would have happened?”

“A year ago?” Naveen thought carefully. His friend deserved honesty. Brutal honesty. “I would have asked if you were sure. Told you to think about it for a few days. The board would have hated it. The legal liability, not to mention the public scandal, would be debated for weeks. But I would have been at every meeting, fighting for you both. In the end, I think I could have talked them into a compromise – Charlie reassigned to different supervisors. On a good day, I could have kept you both on the diagnostics team. On a bad day, one of you would have had to step down.”

“But we would have been together?”

Naveen knew he should have hesitated. Softened the blow. But Ethan needed full impact.

“Yes.”

Deep down, Ethan already knew. That’s why he never asked.

“Even with Bloom?”

“You can never plan for Bloom, but with the right HR paperwork, I don’t see what he could have done.”

Ethan winced.

“Do you think… Would it have ruined her career? To be marred by my scandal?”

“Maybe,” Naveen confessed, “But it’s a long career, Ethan, and people have survived worse.”

“Ten years ago, would you have let me do it?” Ethan clenched his glass, “If I’d been Charlie, would you have let me risk it?”

“Ten years ago, no.”

A bit of redemption, but it felt hollow.

“But ten years ago, I made a lot of mistakes. I built a champion, but if I had to do it over again…” Naveen sighed, suddenly weighed down by decades of mistakes, “I wouldn’t have made you in my image, Ethan. And if I have any parting wisdom, I beg you not to make Charlie in yours.”

Ethan flinched.

It was one thing to know that he was a monster made by his own hand. It was another to hear another acknowledge it.

A lineage of damaged mortals begging to be gods. It was fitting that they rose so high only to fall from the stars.

Then there was Charlie – the last of their line. Still growing. Still forming. Still making the mistakes that would fracture her. Perhaps Ethan would be one of them.

“You always said we’re insatiable,” Ethan shook his head, “You. Me. Charlie, too. We always need more. Do you think we could be satisfied with anything less?”

“Maybe not,” Naveen frowned, “But I like to think so.”

A long, clouded silence enveloped the duo.

“You still have time, Ethan,” Naveen’s sentence was more of a plea than a reminder.

Stay, he urged, Stay for her.

Ethan shook his head, “I’ll assign Tobias to my cases in the morning. I’ll stay for the transition, but…” I have to go, he thought.

Naveen didn’t try to hide his sigh, “Alright. Good night, Ethan.”

A few moments later, when Ethan contributed nothing else to the conversation, Naveen ended the call, but Ethan remained still. Seconds dragged to minutes. Hell, they probably dragged to hours.

A lifetime in each passing moment.

A better ending to the story.

Devastated but finally convinced of his role as the villain in Charlie’s epic, Ethan sent an email accepting and scheduling an interview in San Diego at the end of the week. He spent the rest of the night shoving his current life into a suitcase, praying that there was some semblance of a new life on the other side.

Separated by more than distance, Ethan and Charlie wandered through the dark night, evading their grief and wishing they could have one more night together. One more call. One more smile. Longing and grief went hand in hand – lovers in a past life.

If Ethan had gone quietly into the night, Charlie still violently stumbled through it. All she could think about was Ethan. Seeing him awakened something she’d purposefully tried to bury. She didn’t trust herself to be close to him, and she certainly didn’t trust herself to spend one last night in his embrace. But the idea consumed her. She needed him like she needed air. It was a punishment and a pleasure. She had to have him close to her, if just to scream in his face.

Losing but the battle but perhaps winning the war, she abandoned the safety of her secluded nook and marched straight to his office. With only a moment’s hesitation, she knocked twice – once insistently, once timidly. No answer.

Twice more – both insistent.

No answer.

Frustrated by his apparent silence and their continued separation, she barged into his office and found the space empty. He had already left…

Embarrassment and rejection stung Charlie’s eyes, blurring her view as she hurriedly closed the door behind him and retreated to the safety of her quiet, empty bedroom miles away.

As she showered off the feeling of his presence, she told herself this was a single moment of weakness. She’d be gone before she had her next relapse. Yet, even as she climbed into bed, she knew that wasn’t true.

They were inevitable, for better or worse.

Unless one of them ran away first.

[choicesaddict5]

Screaming at a Reflection

Synopsis: After receiving the shocking news that Charlie intends to resign and leave Edenbrook, Ethan searches for a solution -- talking to everyone but the one person that matters.

Chapter 39 of the “with and without” series

Previous Series: “a weekend with dr. ramsey”

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x MC (Charlotte “Charlie” Greene)

Words: 4.7k

Rating: Teen (language)

Also available on AO3 & Wattpad (link in Masterlist)

Ethan had been awake too long. The exhaustion showed on the creases of his face and the sharp edges of his voice. If desolate Ethan was a nightmare, then sleepless Ethan was something worse.

It had been two weeks.

Two weeks without Charlie in his bed.

And two weeks without a proper night’s sleep.

Not that it mattered, Ethan thought. Sleep was for the weak. Ethan didn’t need sleep as long as he still had his work and a consistent supply of caffeine. She wasn’t coming home, and he would survive. Whether or not he would thrive would was immaterial.

He was never going to “thrive” without her. Of all the ways this story could have ended, thriving was never one of the possibilities. All things considered, Ethan considered himself lucky. Exhaustion and empty nights were bearable; with time, he might even find peace.

But right now, there was no peace. No relief. No respite.

Everything was a fucking marathon, especially sleeping.

Her pillow stopped smelling like her shampoo, which was somehow worse than sleeping next to her memory.

Ethan had been awake when he received Naveen’s one A.M. email requesting a meeting, and he’d still been awake when he stumbled into Naveen’s office at six A.M.

Naveen heard rumors of Ethan’s state. By all accounts, he was a shell of himself – lacking all warmth and embracing all bitterness. Naveen hadn’t quite believed it, but now, he saw it was much worse than he’d imagined. Ethan looked horrible – tired, rumbled, and sharp around the edges. A shell of himself.

A steaming cup of coffee sat waiting for Ethan. Ethan flopped into the chair nearest the mug, and with a grunt in thanks, he grabbed the cup and gulped the steaming liquid – a shame for such a well-crafted cup of coffee.

Naveen reflexively gasped, “You look horrible.”

“Thanks,” Ethan mumbled.

“Did you go home?”

“Yes.”

“And shower?”

Ethan rolled his eyes, “Yes.”

“And sleep?”

Ethan remained silent, staring at his half-finished coffee and avoiding his friend’s gaze. Ethan was many disappointments, but he didn’t intend to become a liar.

Naveen frowned but gave no express disapproval. Another time, it might have been helpful to give his protégé tough love. He might have even forced a leave of absence if necessary. But the ghostly apparition of loss lingered around Ethan. It made him fragile and dangerous. The wrong breath could shatter him.

Comforting himself with his own cup of chai, Naveen pondered his friend's state. He hadn’t known Ethan was this bad. If he had, he would have waited to give this news.

“Did you call me in to say I look like shit? Because, if so, I will remind you that I am paid to give medical treatment, not smile in the hallway,” Ethan scoffed, but really, Ethan wouldn’t have been shocked. All week, Harper tried to do the same by planning lunches and dinners – all of which Ethan declined. Even Tobias had asked if Ethan wanted to talk, which was a particularly bad sign that Ethan wasn’t handling the grief as well as he thought.

“No one has ever accused you of being too friendly in the halls, Ethan.”

The dismissive sound coming from Ethan’s throat was a mix of a scoff and a grunt. Even his rebellion against authority felt tired.

“They have, however, accused you of being a dick this week.”

“And that’s new?”

“I’ve had three crying residents in my office this week.”

“I’m teaching them. That’s my job.”

“Is that what you call it?”

“I’ve been too easy on them this year,” Ethan frowned, “And my method has never bothered you before.”

“Before, your anger was about the medicine.”

“It’s still about the medicine.”

Naveen cast a dubious stare.

Another silence.

Another moment where Ethan and Naveen both quietly wondered if Ethan was faring even worse than he appeared.

“Are you alright, Ethan?”

“Yes.”

“Have you spoken to Charlie?”

Ethan bristled, and Naveen’s heart sank.

“She is the Diagnostics Team Fellow,” Ethan crossed his arms.

“She’s more than that,” Naveen offered tenderly.

Ethan frowned, “She’s my resident.”

Naveen tapped his fingertips on the desk, resisting the urge to push the issue. He knew who Charlie was to Ethan, even if neither had ever breathed a word of their “secret” liaison. Naveen had proudly watched as Charlie reshaped his friend into the better version of himself, and now, it was heartbreaking to watch Ethan revert to his worst traits and emotional self-harm. It was all so unnecessary and disappointing. Yet, Naveen hesitated to intervene.

Charlie and Ethan were the same, both on a path to self-destruction. One wrong move could be a fatal blow. Naveen had once been like the pair, and he’d seen firsthand the capacity of a human being to ruin their own life.

In the silence, Ethan grunted, “I’ll be nicer to the residents.”

Accepting the small victory, Naveen smiled.

 “So, we’re done here then?” Ethan chugged the remainder of his coffee as he stood. He was eager to leave, though he had nowhere particular to go. The only thing that waited for him was his work and Jenner, the latter of which spent much of his day waiting at the door for Charlie to return. Ethan was beginning to think that Jenner would gladly abandon him for Charlie, which Ethan couldn’t blame him for.

“Unfortunately not,” Naveen frowned.

“Are you going to tell me I look exhausted again?”

“No,” Naveen shook his head, though his expression lacked the typical mirth such a sarcastic comment would usually garner, “It’s business, I’m afraid.”

“More intern complaints?” Ethan wondered if he really had been too difficult with his students. Was this an HR issue now?

“As head of the diagnostics team, you are entitled to notice when a team member announces their intention to leave,” Naveen began the well-practiced speech.

Ethan perked up with intrigue, “Oh? Did I finally drive Tobias away?”

“Dr. Carrick intends to stay.”

“Harper then?” Ethan frowned. Maybe that’s why she’d offered all those invitations – so she could share her desire to leave before giving her notice.

Naveen sighed. He’d hoped that Charlie would have told him.

“No,” Naveen’s voice was hardly a whisper, and it made Ethan’s heart stop.

Collecting himself, Naveen donned a professional yet grim expression as he shared, “Dr. Greene has requested a leave of absence from her residency and intends to resign from the Diagnostics Team.”

“What?!” Ethan’s outrage echoed off every surface in the office.

Ethan paced furiously, muttering, “We can’t let her do this,” over and over until it felt more like a mantra than a demand.

“I tried,” Naveen offered diplomatically.

“Tried? That’s not enough! We can’t let her throw away her entire career because of….” Ethan stumbled, only to regain steam to add, “You’re the chief of staff. Do something.”

“As I told you, I tried,” Naveen explained, “Charlie anticipated every challenge. She studied the policy, found an enriching activity for her sabbatical, named a qualified replacement for the team, and premised her request on the need for mental and physical recovery from her trauma last year. Even if we found a way to keep her from going, we’d never survive the public outrage from denying her request. It’s untenable, Ethan, and you know it.”

“We can’t let her destroy her career on a whim!”

“It’s her career, Ethan.”

Ethan’s head snapped back to Naveen, his words a ghost of a fight long gone with Charlie.

“But it’s a stupid choice,” Ethan snarled, “She’s done all this work just to race back to the startling line.”

“It isn’t our choice to make.”

“Like hell it isn’t,” Ethan asserted, “It’s our job to train her. You always said that training me was half medicine and half stopping me from fucking myself over.”

“That was stopping you from telling all the other attendings they were stupid—”

“They were,” Ethan interjected.

“This,” Naveen stressed, shooting Ethan a warning stare for the interruption, “This is Charlie’s life. You know she deserves the right to decide how she lives and how she works. You were allowed to make those choices, and you can’t stop her from doing the same.”

Ethan dropped Naveen’s gaze, feeling properly chastened by his mentor but nonetheless undeterred. Naveen was right, of course. Charlie was no less deserving of autonomy because Ethan disagreed with her, but Ethan caused her suffering. He had been her downfall, and he was uniquely responsible for mitigating the damage.

“So, I’m just supposed to let her throw away her hard work? What do you suggest I do?” Ethan sputtered.

“I suggest you talk to her,” Naveen answered.

Ethan didn’t meet Naveen’s calm energy. Ethan was angry. Furious, even. Anxious. Concerned. Terrified. And fucking heartbroken.

“I sure as hell will,” Ethan huffed, learning into the outrage because it was the easiest emotion to embrace. He scooped up his belongings and chucked his empty cup into the trash.

Just as Ethan was about to cross the threshold of the office door, Naveen called out, “And do so nicely!”

Ethan offered a noncommittal grunt in response. He moved through the halls like fire spread through kindling, causing passing residents to turn around and duck down corridors to avoid him. Not that any of them mattered today. Only Charlie and her reckless resignation mattered.

Ethan found Charlie easily.

She’d come in early to chart – something she’d started doing over the last two weeks to avoid spending time in the Diagnostics Team office. Had Ethan not looked so terrible, the hospital rumors may have centered on her – how the spark had faded from her eyes, the life leeched from her smile, and the interest everything else waned. She would be the prime target for idle gossip if anyone paid attention. But Ethan took up all that space, just like he took up everything else.

Despite all his respect and admiration for her sense of self and her work, Ethan didn’t leave much room in this hospital for her. Once a comfort, his grandiose now suffocated her.

She felt his presence before he said a word.

But he made it known nonetheless.

“What the fuck?” Ethan greeted abruptly.

They weren’t alone. A nurse at the end of her night shift was just down the hall, mulling on a chart, and an eager surgical intern was tucked in the corner, studying for her rounds. Both looked at the couple when they heard Ethan. The nurse, exhausted from her shift and disinterested in their drama, moved locations. The intern hesitated but ultimately left when Ethan shot her a deadly glare.

“Good morning, Ethan,” Charlie didn’t look up.

“Charlotte,” Ethan seethed.

“Ethan,” Charlie echoed flatly. She was the picture of disinterest, but Ethan didn’t believe her.

“You gave notice?” Ethan demanded, holding out hope that it was all a misunderstanding.

“I did.”

“Why the hell would you do that?”

“It’s been a difficult year,” Charlie began her well-practiced speech, “I think I came back to work too early after the attack and my illness. I need time to heal, and I received an excellent opportunity to contribute to medical research at Duke during my absence.”

Sure, Ethan thought. It would fool some people. Even if someone had doubts, they wouldn’t be brave enough to question a survivor about her trauma. But Ethan would.

“That’s not why.”

It wasn’t a lie, but it also wasn’t the truth.

Charlie sighed, finally looking up from her chart and meeting his haughty gaze. She looked exhausted – physically and emotionally. She was a ghost of the woman who first entered these doors, and Ethan knew it was his fault.

A bright young star came into his orbit, and he’d stolen all her shine.

“It’s part of the reason,” Charlie shrugged.

Ethan’s chest squeezed.

He didn’t like seeing her defeated. He didn’t like knowing he’d been the one to beat her.

“You’re making a mistake, Charlie,” Ethan’s voice softened – shifting from an irate command to a tender plea. He just wanted her to understand. To stay, even if she never warmed his bed again. To reclaim the place in the stars he’d stolen from her. It was as much a plea for her future as a desperate search for absolution.

It probably was a professional mistake. Charlie wasn’t too stubborn to admit that. Abandoning her current success and branding herself a victim was likely to carry a mark for the rest of her career in an unforgiving profession. The old Charlie would never have considered it. She would have endured anything just to stand in these halls, let alone be part of this team.

But the old Charlie was gone. That unbreakable tenacity and self-destructive ambition had been beaten out of her – either by her own mistakes, the harsh reality of her time at Edenbrook, or the act of falling in love. Charlie could stay at Edenbrook, but it would break her. And she was tired of merely surviving. She didn’t know how many grand reinventions she had left. How many times could she watch her life shatter and put it back together again? At what point was she the sum of the tragedy rather than being surrounded by its parts?

He should have begged last week, Charlie thought. Then, she was on the fence. Now, she was certain.

“I’m going, Ethan.”

“You can’t,” Ethan heard the panic in his voice before he felt it. And fuck, when he felt it, it was unbearable.

“Excuse me?” Charlie repeated incredulously.

“You can’t go.”

“Is that what Naveen said?” Charlie cocked an eyebrow, daring him to acknowledge that she’d cleverly evaded every loophole. She’d covered her tracks before she made her getaway.

“Don’t you understand what this will do to your career? You’ve worked your fucking ass off for this. You almost died for this,” Ethan evaded the question, taking himself back to their hardest moments – the nights when he’d sworn to do anything to protect her.

“No, I almost died because I loved my friends,” Charlie bit back, “I went in that room to save my friends.”

“You went in because you’re a doctor. And you’re a fucking good one.”

“Don’t use the death of my friends against me, Ethan,” Charlie warned, an edge creeping into her voice.

“I promised to make you the best doctor here. You made me promise you. I fucked up, but I’m not letting you fuck up, too.”

“You’re not?” Charlie’s eyes narrowed, “Well, good luck stopping me.”

Charlie slammed her chart shut, gathering her things and sweeping past him.

Even in her hasty exit, she instinctively paused beside him, expecting some small, tender display of affection that she’d come to expect from their proximity. But when Charlie realized what she was doing, she walked away faster.

Ethan watched her go with a frustrated grunt. He didn’t care if she hated him. He just needed to stop her from being punished for his sins, and he’d burn every bridge to do it.

His first stop was Kyra’s office. If she couldn’t do something in her administrative role, she could at least convince Charlie that she was making a ridiculous decision. But Kyra beat him to it. On the door were two sticky notes – the first addressed to her colleagues to explain her absence for the morning and the second addressed to Ethan. He flipped over the lime green sticky note to read the message.

I already tried. She’s going.

Ethan groaned, crumbling the note and depositing it in the nearby trash can on his way to his next potential ally.

Jackie was second. She took one look at Ethan barging through the halls toward the resident lounge, and she held up a hand, rebuffing him with, “Absolutely not. I’m not participating in this.”

Accordingly, Ethan left the lounge without a word. Jackie was sensible and willing to call anyone out on their bullshit, including Charlie, but her support was always a longshot. Jackie was fiercely loyal and unlikely to betray her friend by siding with the enemy.

Bryce was the third target, and out of them all, he was the most likely to join Ethan’s cause – if not because he genuinely believed Charlie was in the wrong but because he’d always considered himself a friend of Ethan, too. He was probably the only one who would be happy to play mediator between two quareling lovers.

Nonetheless, Charlie was Bryce’s best friend. Out of the two, Charlie would always be Bryce’s priority. Personally, Bryce questioned the decision, and he believed the whole debacle could be resolved if Charlie and Ethan had a genuine. But Bryce wouldn’t be the friend who abandoned Charlie in her time of need, even if he took no enjoyment in rebuffing Ethan.

“She’s making a mistake,” Ethan skipped the pleasantries, cornering the surgical resident in the locker rooms. Admittedly, it wasn’t the best time to talk. Bryce was fresh from the shower, half-dressed, and running late to a meeting with his attending, but ever the loyal friend, Bryce said nothing of the inconvenience.

“Maybe,” Bryce squirmed, tying too many knots on his scrub pants to avoid eye contact.

“She won’t listen to me,” Ethan pushed, hoping Bryce would offer before he had to ask.

“Hmm,” Bryce swept away invisible lent from his shirt.

“She would listen to you.”

Bryce gulped. He still hadn’t looked Ethan in the eyes, which was a bad omen.

“She’s really upset,” Bryce finally spoke, “She’s my best friend. I care about her. When she said she wanted to go, I shared my concerns, but ultimately, it’s her call…. And this could be good for her. She’s been through a lot.”

Ethan frowned. He’d expected rejection, but hearing about Charlie’s suffering took the wind from his sails. A reminder of the permanence of his harm.

“You should talk to her,” Bryce added as Ethan started to leave.

“I tried.”

Bryce tilted his head dubiously, “I mean really talk to her.”

Ethan frowned, but before he left, he murmured, “Thank you, Bryce.”

“If you need me, I’m here for you!” Bryce called out after him, ever the supportive friend.

Ethan said nothing. In the back of his mind, a voice said he should take the offer – any of the offers from his friends and family to lend support. But Ethan couldn’t. He didn’t feel worthy, and accepting support was a muscle made weak by lack of use. Talking about her leaving made it final in a way he wasn’t yet capable of enduring.

Harper wasn’t helpful either. She thought Ethan should be more understanding and supportive of Charlie’s trauma, and Harper believed that Charlie deserved her time away from work. She was so supportive that, at the end of the conversation, she pledged to help Charlie mitigate any ill consequences from her leave of absence. After Harper’s kind but ultimately unhelpful speech, Harper again asked if Ethan was okay and invited him for coffee. Implicit in her request was, What the fuck is wrong with you? Tell me what we’re all guessing. Let me help.

Ethan rejected both the implicit and explicit offers by politely but firmly asking for a raincheck they both knew would never come.

Tobias was slightly better. Overall, he supported Charlie’s decision, but as a ruthless ladder climber, he had a unique perspective on what could happen to her career when less understanding employers skimmed her record. He promised to speak to Charlie and renewed his offer to talk things out. Again, Ethan said no.

For the rest of the day, Ethan looked for a miracle – a policy preventing the move, a coworker to talk her out of it, an opportunity so good that Charlie couldn’t turn it down, or Naveen finding some solution during one of their many calls.

Ethan was losing hope by the time he ran into Sienna.

Of all the allies Ethan could have sought, he never intended to find Sienna. Their last conversation made it clear that Sienna recognized Ethan’s responsibility in this affair, but Sienna’s sole priority was protecting her friend. It didn’t matter if she personally doubted the propriety of their many escalations and immature miscommunication. All that mattered was that Charlie was okay, and Sienna saw through Ethan’s declarations and platitudes. He loved Charlie, but as he stood before her today, he wasn’t good for Charlie.

Truthfully, Ethan had avoided Sienna because she was the one person who saw what Ethan desperately tried to deny. Ethan’s mistakes had consequences, and those consequences included Charlie’s suffering. Sienna placed blame where it belonged – with Ethan.

Despite their best intentions, Ethan and Sienna found themselves alone together that afternoon, having been abandoned by all their unsuspecting coworkers. Once they realized their solitude, an uncomfortable silence followed, but neither left.

“I heard you’re on a crusade to stop Charlie from leaving,” Sienna was the first to speak.

“I don’t think she should go.”

“Why not?” That question was a test. It wasn’t enough that Ethan recognized that this was the wrong ending. It mattered why it was wrong and how he intended to stop it.

“She’s worked too hard to throw it away because of my mistakes,” he admitted, shocked by the vulnerability in his voice.

“She’s taking a leave of absence, not dropping out,” Sienna prodded. She wanted Ethan to be ready. She wanted him to be the knight in shining armor. She wanted Charlie to stay. But he had to earn it.

“She’ll give up all the privileges she’s worked so hard for. She’s brilliant, and you know what people will do when they see this. Edenbrook may understand, but we don’t know that the rest of the world will. She deserves to begin her career at the top, not knocked down because someone sensed weakness in a file they already wanted to throw away,” Ethan responded. It wasn’t his real answer. It was a version of the truth, only part of the story. Ethan wanted Charlie to stay because his world would stop moving if he left. She deserved to stay. She deserved more than running away from a disappointing man and losing her friends and career in the process. She earned her day in the sun, and selfishly, Ethan didn’t want to be the cloud blocking her glory. He wanted her with him, but if he couldn’t have that, he would settle for proximity so he could proudly admire her achievements.

But Ethan said none of that.

He didn’t know how.

“She has an amazing record. With or without a resume gap, she’ll do well.”

“But she deserves more than well. It was my job to prepare her for her career, and I know what she can do. This is my fault. I ruined everything. I am the mistake. She shouldn’t spend the rest of her career – or any of it – paying for me.” This was the closest he got to the truth, but it was only a glimpse.

Sienna paused. A long, thoughtful pause.

It was a good speech, but it wasn’t enough. Even if it had been, Ethan needed to prove that to Charlie, not Sienna.

“I told her to go,” Sienna confessed.

Ethan’s head shot up.

“I know that you love her, maybe even more than I do, so I think you know this version of Charlie isn’t our Charlie. She’s not happy. She’s exhausted, and frankly, she has every right to be. If she keeps pushing herself, she will break. And I don’t want that for any of us.”

Ethan knew Sienna was right. Still, he studied her words – looking for a weakness he could use to save the day. He never found one.

With a voice so small it was nearly unrecognizable, Ethan asked, “Is it me? Why she can’t be here, I mean. Is it me?”

Sienna averted her eyes, both to save herself from his grief and to swallow her shame in delivering the news. She nodded quietly.

A gasp of despair left his chest, leaving a longing ache in its place.

“She loves you,” Sienna explained, “You love her, too. I understand that’s why you’re doing this. I think she knows that, too. But this isn’t working for either of you. You’re talking to everyone but her, and she’s hiding behind everyone else to avoid you. Neither of you are going to change what you want or what you’re willing to compromise. I don’t know… maybe this time will be good for both of you. Maybe time will cool things down, or maybe you’ll be healed enough for…” it didn’t feel fair to raise his hopes for reconciliation, so she said, “Right now, something needs to change, and this seems like the only option. And even if it isn’t, it's Charlie’s choice, not ours.”

There was nothing left for Ethan to say, so he didn’t bother trying. He offered a quiet thank you and excused himself. Sienna didn’t say goodbye.

Ethan moved through the halls like a ghost, unsure if he was haunting himself or everyone he loved. Back in his office, Ethan was useless. All he could think about was Charlie and the gravity of his mistakes. He paced the room, increasingly frustrated with dwindling hope, mounting guilt, and inconsolable loss.

It could have been hours or minutes when Ethan fished out his phone and sent a desperate text to Charlie.

Ethan: Don’t go.

Nothing.

More of nothing.

Finally, the message turned to read.

Then three dots that she was typing.

Charlie: . . .

Then, the dots disappeared, and nothing followed.

Ethan stared at the screen, willing the dots to return. Begging the universe for something. Anything – a hate message, a vicious attack on his heart and soul, or a disinterested dismissal. But the universe – and Charlie – shunned Ethan in the face of his prayers.

When Ethan had nothing to hold onto anymore, the despair he’d been running from finally caught up to him. It gripped him firmly, swallowing every nerve ending and stray thought until all he could feel and think was his grief. A sob built in his chest, but he didn’t know if it ever came out.

This wasn’t right.

This wasn’t how things ended.

Ethan had played the villain in many stories, but he refused to live in Charlie’s memory as the arsonist burning their happy home. It was a betrayal to everything they’d shared and all the love he still felt. Charlie was the love of his life, and the thought of losing her was only made worse by the knowledge that his memory would haunt her.

He could be the mistake.

He could be the worst thing she’d ever done.

He could be the person she hated most in the world.

But he wouldn’t cost her this career.

He wouldn’t take that from her.

Because she was his other half. She was his mirror image. He knew what this meant to her. He knew who she could become and what he could achieve. Charlie deserved autonomy in her career and personal life, but someone had to stop her from making the worst mistake of her life. This was his atonement, not hers.

Despair shifted to anger and back again, circling him in nauseating indecision until the storm settled to resolve.

Convincing Charlie to stay was like screaming at his own reflection. At their core, they were stubborn to a fault. Self-destructive in their self-sacrifice and idealism. Emphatic in hiding their uncertainty in pride. Vulnerable in their greatest displays of strength.

Charlie would never listen to him, and frankly, Ethan wasn’t listening to her either.

A stand-off neither wanted yet neither could avoid.

When diplomatic ties severed, the only remaining path was mutual destruction. Escalation answered with escalation.

Ethan didn’t give himself time to think. He didn’t need to. The idea had rooted. It was this or nothing.

He stormed into Naveen’s office, ignoring the receptionist begging him to wait, and as soon as he crossed the threshold, he announced, “I solved it.”

“You talked to her?” hope rose in Naveen’s voice. Maybe peace was still an option.

“No,” Ethan didn’t acknowledge their fight in the hall. It would have been a lie to call that a real discussion.

But it didn’t matter. Because he’d fixed it.

“I know how to get her to stay.”

“How?” Naveen furrowed his brow.

“I leave first.”

[choicesaddict5]

Just a word vomit. Please ignore it.

Is it selfish of me to say that I miss the old fandom days. It is really sad that a fandom that used to be full of life feels...void? I still remember those days where there were like 6 to 7 fics or more being released ecah day and fics with like 200 to 300 notes. They were the glory days and I am kinda sad that I miss them.

I know practically speaking it is not possible for a fandom to stay alive forever but, am I selfish to want this fandom to live forever? I don't know many people and I have always been a silent reader but this fandom was my escape place it gave me something to put my mind on when I felt overwhelmed with things in my life. I am forever grateful for all of you guys who decided to stick around and are keeping this fandom alive. I know people's priorities change over time and they have their own things to deal with and I will never ever ever hold it against them instead I am incredibly grateful for each and everyone of you because your writings helped me a lot. Thank you.

[choicesaddict5]

Hi dear! With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I thought I could use the opportunity to send some extra love and appreciation. Hope you’ll enjoy this little gift and giraffe neck 🥰✨

OMG!! I AM SO SORRYY!!

I couldn't reply to you sooner as I have been swamped with school work and I haven't been on tumblr for the past few weeks. But thank you so much for thinking of me and your message surely brought a smile on my face.

I did enjoy the little gift and his giraffe neck😂

I hope you have a wonderful Day and that you're doing well. Once again thank you so much for sending this little message it made my day!!!🥰

[choicesaddict5]

Peppermint Lattes

Synopsis: stuck in Boston by herself for Christmas, Charlie is cold and homesick, and she receives a surprising gift from her austere attending...

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x MC (Charlotte “Charlie” Greene)

Words: 3k

Rating: General Audience

A/N: this was inspired by this ask. Thank you to @choicesaddict5 and @lsvdw-blog for encouraging me to turn this into a fic!

December 23rd, Intern Year

This morning, Boston was particularly cold. It was as if the city had woken up and decided to taunt Charlie.

All morning, she’d watched Boston prepare for Christmas. Apartment windows glittered with Christmas trees. Families packed into sedans for holiday road trips. Children whispered in the streets about their plans to trap Santa, and adults ran between grocery stores searching for their Christmas Eve dinner.

Everyone was having a great Christmas – except for Charlie.

She’d woken up to a near-empty apartment and a deep winter chill, requiring every layer she owned to keep her from shivering on her commute. Just when the morning felt like it couldn’t get any worse, she took the wrong step on black ice and ended up sprawled on the cement, wearing her coffee and a new bruise as a souvenir.

Her bleak morning quickly became an unbearable day.

At the beginning of her 24-hour shift, she was bombarded with hordes of new patients – some angrily demanding resolution before Christmas and others begging her to keep them longer so they could avoid the festivities. Every time she took a break, Charlie spotted a new social media post bragging about holiday traditions and time off.

It was the first time Charlie wouldn’t be home for Christmas, and nothing reminded her of home.

It was cold here. Unfriendly. Unfeeling. Un-festive.

All she wanted was to curl up into her favorite chair, sip her mother’s famous hot cider and watch a Christmas movie with her parents. Instead, she covertly massaged her ice-inflicted bruise and patched up a snow-ball-fight-related broken arm.

But that wasn’t the worst of it.

In approximately five minutes, Charlie would have the honor of accompanying Dr. Ramsey on rounds.

According to hospital lore, Dr. Ramsey hadn’t taken a Christmas off in over five years. Occasionally, if you got lucky, he would take the afternoon to visit family, but he never stayed away for the whole day. Residents whispered that he spent the entire holiday season bitter and angry because the holidays reminded him of how lonely he’d made himself. They told the new interns that if you were unlucky enough to work with him on a low-staff holiday, you should be prepared for the worst shift of your life.

Last year, he’d made an intern cry for checking the wrong form on patient paperwork.

The year before, he’d nearly driven a resident to quit.

This year, it was Charlie’s turn.

In the last few weeks, Charlie felt like she’d finally gotten used to Dr. Ramsey. No, he wasn’t her favorite attending. Yes, she regularly found herself on the wrong side of Dr. Ramsey’s disapproving stare. But it didn’t bother her as much now. His questions – though seemingly impossible – were always important. His biting criticisms were unfortunately accurate. His assistance was often condescending, but it was always helpful.

On the good days, Charlie felt like she learned more from Dr. Ramsey than anyone else in this hospital. Even on the worst days, he wasn’t that bad. Maybe he’d grown soft, or perhaps she’d gotten tougher.

Sometimes, Charlie fancied that they’d found a good rhythm. They weren’t friends, but they were friendly on occasion. It was hardly the relationship she’d hoped to have with her academic hero, but it was better than the active dislike that plagued their initial acquaintance.

If anyone could survive Christmas with Dr. Ramsey, it would be Charlie.

Still, she was a bundle of nerves when Ethan found her.

Ethan didn’t know much about Dr. Green’s past. He’d been on the committee that selected her application, so he knew her alma mater, age, and mission statement. But he didn’t know where she was from or why she seemed so bothered by the cold. Over the last month, he’d developed the theory that she must have spent her life somewhere warm – she was too uncoordinated on snow and ice to have ever spent time in it.

It was almost comical how many layers she wore. Two turtlenecks under her scrubs, one white coat, and likely multiple pants by the look of it. He’d seen her this morning, too – a giant puffy jacket, a pair of pink earmuffs, and a bright blue knit hat. Even dressed as warmly as she was, her nose was red, and she looked chilled to the bone.

Against his will, Ethan’s lips curved into a smirk.

It’s cute, he thought.

Almost as soon as the thought entered his mind, he chased it away. Dr. Greene was his resident – a promising one, too. She was not cute, nor was it appropriate for him to think that. The proper descriptors were intelligent, stubborn, intuitive, or pain in my ass.

To fight off the smile, he hardened his expression, sending a chill down Charlie’s spine.

“Dr. Greene,” he greeted bluntly.

“Dr. Ramsey,” Charlie gulped.

Ethan thought about saying something, like “how’s your morning?” or “are you cold?” or “Merry Christmas.” In the end, he said nothing and just gestured that they should get on with it.

And so they did.

Charlie rushed through their patients with surprising accuracy. He’d never seen her so well prepared or rehearsed. It was as if she’d spent all morning anticipating his questions and seeking answers before he could produce them. If she didn’t know something, she told him before she made a fool of herself, and if she anticipated a concern, she addressed it before he raised it.

She was flawless.

Ethan had long suspected that she was the true star of the program this year. Aurora was brilliant and poised, but she lacked the ingenuity of her more chaotic coworker. If Ethan could have given Charlotte some of Aurora’s discipline, she would be at the top of the competition. Charlie just needed a bit of polishing.

Give her time, Naveen told Ethan only a few days before when Ethan was lamenting the foolish mistake Charlotte had made, You were once an intern, too. She’ll surprise you. Just wait.

And was this the time?

Had Charlotte performed a Christmas miracle?

Ethan was quiet while Charlie presented, making her more nervous. No complaints. No suggestions for how she could improve. No witty but devastating insults. Was he saving it all for some epic blowout later?

Charlie thought she would combust from the anticipation when she smelled it.

Peppermint. Chocolate. Steaming coffee.

It stopped her in her tracks, mid-stride to the next patient. Despite herself, she looked around the room for the source.

That smell…

It was Christmas. It was hot cocoa at her mother’s kitchen table. It was wrapping presents on the living room floor while her dad played lookout. It was sneaking out of bed to see if Santa liked the chocolate chip cookies. It was warm sweaters and pancakes on Christmas morning.

“Dr. Greene?” Ethan halted, staring at his intern like she’d grown three heads.

That was when she spotted it – a steaming peppermint latte billowing from the cup of a visitor across the room. The cup bore the logo of a nearby coffee shop – one Charlie never had time to really enjoy because she was always racing out the door– and a friendly Christmas tree drawn on the side.

For just a minute, Charlie felt like it was really Christmas.

Like she wasn’t stuck in some frozen city without her family and friends. Like Christmas was a feeling that followed her all the way to a hospital hallway.

“Charlotte?” Ethan prodded further.

Her name sounded so right from his lips – no hesitation, no discomfort. Like he was made to say it.

Not that either of them was brave enough to admit that.

“Hmmm?” Charlie snapped out of the trance. Realizing he’d seen all of this, she paled and squeaked out, “Oh, sorry, I just liked that smell.”

Ethan’s eyebrows knit together, and he took a long, deep sniff.

Hand sanitizer. Antibacterial surface cleaner. And just a hint of … artificial peppermint?

The more he focused on the smell, the more outrageous the idea became. Sickly sweet, fake peppermint. A hint of coffee, though he doubted one could taste it under all that syrup. Chocolate, maybe. If so, it was just as fake as that peppermint.

It was the kind of thing you smelled when you walked into a department store – some weak replication of holiday magic that always rang hollow.

“The peppermint?” Ethan questioned.

Those two words sounded so wrong, so inherently disliked. The contrast made her realize how warmly he’d said her first name only moments ago.

“I like peppermint,” she admitted sheepishly.

“That isn’t peppermint,” Ethan scoffed, now blazing through the hospital halls with Charlie on his tail. While she struggled to keep up with his long strides, he added, “Liking peppermint isn’t a crime. Liking that is.”

“What’s the difference?” Charlie huffed, wishing she’d been born with longer legs.

He’s a fucking giraffe, she cursed to herself.

“One is a traditional candy. The other is something you find in a Starbucks.”

“You know, disliking Starbucks doesn’t make you morally superior,” Charlie retorted.

Normally, that insubordination and familiarity would be punished.

But Ethan didn’t shutter at the rebuke. Instead, he looked down at his intern as if appreciating her anew.

“No, but it does make my taste superior.”

“It makes you a contrarian,” Charlie shook her head, “Potentially sexist, depending on how you frame it.”

Ethan laughed.

An honest, deep laugh.

The sound startled Charlie, and she suddenly wished she could hear that sound forever.

“Contrarian or not, peppermint lattes are a waste of a good shot of espresso,” Ethan decided, so confident that Charlie was nearly swayed to his side.

But then she remembered teenage trips to the coffee shop, exhausted college sips of peppermint during finals, and the warm mornings sharing a peppermint coffee while Christmas shopping.

No matter what Dr. Ramsey said, Charlie wouldn’t turn her back on those memories.

“I disagree. I love them,” Charlie insisted.

“Your loss,” Ethan muttered. There was an edge to his words – like some part of him had hoped that Charlie would agree. Maybe he wanted her to agree on all things, to be the mirror image of himself. Though he had to admit he liked when she disagreed, sometimes.

Charlie didn’t get an opportunity to respond because they’d found their next patient. Instead of lecturing him on the complexity of peppermint mochas, she explained their patient's case. As they finished rounds, there was a new ease between them. Charlie forgot that she was supposed to be nervous.

The morning ended with Dr. Ramsey curtly saying, “Good job, Rookie.”

It was the only compliment he’d given all month, and it was well deserved.

For the rest of the day, he swore that he was followed by the ghost of peppermint past.

Her words reverberated in his ears – “I love them” – until he could mimic it perfectly. He wasn’t sure what resonated so deeply, nor did he appreciate it. He didn’t want to spend his morning stuck on the drink preferences of a resident.

But he did.

His morning. His afternoon. His evening.

Now, nearing 8 P.M., when he was about to go home for the night, he could still picture it.

He wondered if she would be so cold if she drank those hot lattes instead of her iced coffee. He wondered if she often went to Starbucks and if she would think of him now when she went. He wondered what she would do when she got off work on Christmas Eve.

As if summoned by his irrational musings, there she was.

Filling out paperwork for the newest admission. Holidays in the E.R. were always a nightmare. Her shift would be far from a quiet night.

“I’m heading out,” a nurse, Sharon, announced to Charlie, “I need to get home and wrap presents. I don’t think my kids will be happy if Santa keeps all his gifts in the original Amazon box.”

Charlie smirked, “You could always say the Amazon truck is full of elves.”

Sharon laughed – and made a mental note to use the same line if she forgot a few boxes tonight.

“Are you seeing family this Christmas?” Sharon asked.

Charlie shook her head with a sad smile, “I’m working. It’s my first Christmas away from home. Rafael was nice enough to invite me to his family’s dinner tonight, but I feel homesick. I know it’s silly, but I swear, I would do just about anything to remind me of Christmas at home.”

Sharon offered a compassionate smile and hugged Charlie, “You’ll find it, and you’re always invited to join my terrible children and me tomorrow.”

“They can’t be that bad,” Charlie frowned. She hadn’t known Sharon long, but the tales of her children were so legendary that Charlie was sure they had to be exaggerated.

“I assure you, they are,” Sharon shook her head, and giving Charlie a squeeze goodbye, she added, “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas,” Charlie echoed, her voice lacking the same warmth.

Ethan recognized the hollow ring of loneliness. The stern look of someone staring down the barrel of a holiday that would never amount to those in their memory. The haunting dip in her voice as she described the things she would miss.

Tonight, Charlie looked like a mirror image of a young Ethan, and for the first time, Ethan disliked it.

He missed the chaos in her smile. The energy in her daring declarations. The lurking joy behind her tired eyes.

Ethan was built for lonely Christmases, but Charlie was not.

Even when he walked away, he was haunted by the exchange.

Like he was staring at the beginning of the end.

Like he’d witnessed some life-altering moment.

Like she would go down the wrong path if no one interjected.

He was there. He could do something. But what would he do? And why did he even care?

Ethan hesitated at his car door. He knew he should go home and put the beguiling resident out of his mind. He knew he would make a mistake if he got involved.

But then he remembered the loneliness and vulnerability in her voice as she expressed her homesickness.

Without thinking, he exited the parking garage and trudged through the snow to the coffee shop down the block. He’d been here once before and sworn never to return. The coffee was decent, but the drinks were altogether too artificial for his liking. They were made to cover the beans, not enhance them. This was the kind of place meant for students seeking sugar rushes and teenagers learning to drink coffee, not an expert like himself.

Even as he entered the front door, he felt out of place.

Charlie would fit in here. She would smile at the passersby and small talk with the barista. She’d settle into one of the tiny booths and have an enjoyable evening. Ethan didn’t fit in. His sour face warned off any strangers, and the barista looked terrified throughout the exchange.

“One peppermint latte, please,” Ethan ground out with considerable difficulty.

“Peppermint or peppermint mocha?” the barista clarified, earning a blank stare from Ethan that made him feel like an idiot for asking.

“Does it matter?” Ethan frowned. It was all sugar and milk anyway.

“Um, I just need to know which to make,” the barista swallowed.

“Fine, peppermint mocha then,” Ethan waved it off dismissively.

“Hot or iced?”

Ethan again stared blankly. It was below freezing outside. Who was ordering an iced coffee?

“Hot.”

“Size?” the barista inquired, scribbling the order on the cup. The barista motioned toward the sign above them, which displayed their proprietary size names.

“Medium,” Ethan disregarded the chart, and the barista didn’t correct him.

“Whipped cream?”

You’ve got to be kidding, Ethan internally groaned. How could a coffee order be so painful?

“Yes, add whipped cream,” Ethan looked ill just saying it.

“Okay, great,” the barista added a check to the cup. To save them both the pain of further conversation, the barista filled out the rest of the modifications without debate and finished the order. After Ethan paid, the barista asked, “Name for the order?”

“Charlotte.”

The barista blinked.

This scary, uncomfortable man didn’t look like a Charlotte, but who was the barista to correct him?

If ordering the drink had been miserable, it was even worse when Ethan had to collect it. He promised himself that he would make a nice, respectable pour-over in the morning to make up for this crime against coffee. On the walk back to the hospital, he reminded himself of Charlie’s damning frown when she explained her holiday plans. That kept him going, even when logic nipped in his ear that this was a mistake.

This was a good deed.

An odd one, sure.

One he had never made for any other intern, but he could forgive himself for that.

The holiday spirit can grip anyone, even a cold Scrooge like him. It didn’t have to mean anything deeper than that.

Even if this was one of many “exceptions” he’d made for Charlotte.

He left the coffee in the same place he’d seen Charlie earlier that night – her favorite corner for filling out charts. He made sure no one saw him, so when she asked later, no one could name the secret admirer.

All she saw was a steaming cup with her name scribbled on the side.

It smelled like Christmas, and it tasted like home.

That drink saved her Christmas. Drinking it, she felt warm and loved.

And she knew exactly who had given it.

Though no one had seen him, she knew it was Ethan. He was the only one she’d told about peppermint lattes, and he was the only one in the hospital who always called her “Charlotte,” never Charlie.

She smiled softly to herself throughout the night as she imagined the Ethan Ramsey deigning himself to order a “waste of a good shot of espresso.” She wondered what the exchange looked like, twisting it in her imagination to be funnier each time.

Most of all, she kept thinking “he did this for me.”

He doesn’t even like me, she thought, And I know he doesn’t like peppermint lattes.

She couldn’t imagine him ordering a drink like this – especially with the whipped cream and holiday sprinkles – but she knew he had. Deep in her chest, it sparked a warmth she couldn’t shake.

A warmth that would only grow as she got to know him more. A warmth that would turn into a wildfire one day.

But today, it was something that brought a smile to her lips.

The next morning, Ethan spotted her on her way out. Neither mentioned the coffee, but she smiled at him – that pure, bright smile that made his heart stop. He didn’t know it, but for just a moment, he gave her that same smile. Then, he cleared his throat and shuffled away, ready to ruin another resident’s morning, and Charlie grinned all the way home.

[choicesaddict5]

Old Wounds

Synopsis: Weeks of fighting. One year of hiding. A multitude of disappointments, hurts, and betrayals. It all comes down to one epic fight where Charlie asks: are you going to change?

Chapter 36 of the “with and without” series

Previous Series: “a weekend with dr. ramsey”

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x MC (Charlotte “Charlie” Greene)

Words: 3.4k

Rating: Teen (language)

Also available on AO3 & Wattpad (link in Masterlist)

A/N: I cried while writing this, so good luck 👍

Ethan searched every inch of Edenbrook, but Charlie wasn’t there.

Or, if she was, she skillfully avoided him.

His calls went unanswered. His texts were ignored. His efforts were fruitless.

Charlie disappeared, becoming another ghost in these haunted halls, and Ethan missed the irony. He didn’t appreciate the significance of her disappearance or the message it sent. He didn’t even realize she might be mad at him.

When he didn’t find her after his shift, he called her a dozen times from the car. Then, another two times while waiting for the elevator. And when he arrived at his front door, he’d already decided to spend the rest of the night combing through the streets of Boston until he found her.

But to his surprise, his apartment wasn’t empty.

Instead, he caught a glimpse of familiar blue scrubs and a mess of wild, blonde hair.

Ethan dropped his coat at the door's threshold and felt his heart soar at the sight of her. His darling Charlie.

Overcome with relief, Ethan ran to her, exclaiming, “Charlie! I’ve been looking for you all day. I was so worried.”

Before Charlie could respond, Ethan wrapped his arms around her and held her close. All while assuring her, “I’m sorry, Charlie. I’m so glad you’re okay.” He kissed her temples, breathing in the familiar scent of her coconut shampoo and vanilla perfume. She was alright. Everything was okay.

But Charlie was rigid in his embrace.

She was not okay.

And she was furious that he thought she would be.

“I’m not pregnant, by the way,” Charlie announced bitterly.

Ethan froze, realizing that he’d never even asked. He swallowed the shame quietly and consciously ignored the anxiety prickling at the back of his neck.

He knew he’d failed her.

Still, he told himself that it was okay. She would understand. Though she was angry tonight, she would be alright tomorrow.

Even as he lied to himself, he was too ashamed to speak.

“You didn’t show,” Charlie managed, her voice little more than a whisper. In it, Ethan heard all the pain, anger, and frustration she felt, and it struck him like a blow.

Slowly, the stakes of the conversation became clear, and it was increasingly difficult to ignore it. So, he did the only thing he thought he could – he remained silent.

Eyes welling with tears, Charlie continued, “I told you I needed you, and you didn’t show.”

“Charlie…” Ethan swallowed, “I’m sorry, I couldn’t.”

“Couldn’t?” Charlie pulled herself away from him, seething, “Bullshit. You didn’t show.”

“I couldn’t leave the interns. Everyone would have seen,” Ethan defended himself.

“I don’t care if the whole hospital saw! I needed you.”

“Charlie, we can’t do that.”

She hated the way he said it. So superior. So paternalistic. So removed.

It made her feel stupid and immature. And tonight, it infuriated her.

Who was he to tell her what they could do? What made him better suited for this decision? His age? His position? His sex?

He was only justifying his cowardice.

“Why not?” Charlie challenged him.

“Because Bloom will ruin us,” Ethan huffed. He was tired of explaining the same issue, over and over, when it would always be there, “You. He will ruin you. Everything you’ve worked for! Everything you’ll still achieve!”

“You’re doing this for me?” Charlie scoffed, “How chivalrous.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know what I mean. What are you so afraid of, Ethan? Bloom? Or the possibility that you’re responsible for being there in moments like this? Are you protecting me, or are you hiding from having to be in a real relationship?”

“That’s not fair!” Ethan exclaimed.

What was this if not real? Had the last year been a figment of his imagination? Had he not nursed her back from death and held her in his bed every night? What did it matter if their love happened behind closed doors?

Protecting her shouldn’t be a crime, not when he knew the risk and could prevent her from getting hurt.

“Not fair?” Charlie repeated incredulously, “Was it fair when you left me to take that pregnancy test alone?”

Ethan shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“What was I supposed to do? Ruin your whole career to be with you?”

Charlie made a garbled sound of outrage. He was nothing if not predictable, and protecting her was the excuse he’d picked. She shouldn’t have expected anything less.

Against his better judgment, Ethan added, “You could have waited.”

Charlie’s eyes narrowed, the flame of outrage growing in her eyes, “I shouldn’t have to.”

Ethan crossed his arms, defeated but somehow even angrier for having lost. Having no retort that wouldn’t reiterate his valiant attempt to protect her career, Ethan stalked off, hoping he had something cold and highly alcoholic in his future.

“Of course, you’d run away,” Charlie lashed out, frustrated by being left when he was the one in the wrong in the first place.

“Me?” Ethan stopped mid-stride, turning suddenly in her direction.

Their control over the fight was weak.

Old grudges lurked in the periphery of every word.

With each barb, it was easier to dig deeper, to be truly unfair.

So, without thinking, Ethan retorted, “I’m not the one famous for running in the night.”

Charlie’s face fell.

With that one sentence, the fight changed.

It was no longer a disagreement about a single mistake. Cracks long kept below the surface roared to life, and she was afraid – afraid of what animosity had been harbored all this time and how it could be weaponized.

And afraid of who would be the one wielding the hurt.

Because, even now, Charlie knew they wouldn’t hold back until they’d ripped the other to pieces.

For a moment, Charlie was transported back to the midnight dash out of his apartment, a crumbled confession in her hand. A year ago, she was too afraid to stay and too hurt to hold on. Had anything really changed?

Ethan and Charlie were a patchwork quilt of old wounds and silent betrayals, hiding in plain sight.

“You left me,” Charlie reminded him because she needed to offset her sin with one of his.

“You ran,” Ethan did the same.

“You left the continent!”

“You didn’t even know if you wanted to be with me when I asked!”

Charlie staggered back, shocked at the raw pain in his voice for a hurt he’d never even voiced.

She never knew she’d hurt him with her indecision, and she hurled her next insult to combat the shame ripping through her body.

“You turned me down the first time I asked.”

The air crackled with tension and the horrific possibility that the newly uncovered wounds would spread and swallow them whole.

“You asked me to be with you, even when you knew you’d put your work ahead of me,” Charlie continued, each word a trepidatious step towards something so raw she shook as she said it, “You knew I’d always be second.”

“Second?” Ethan’s outrage roared to life, “Charlie, I stopped living when you were sick. I thought I would die with you. I broke every rule to help you, no matter who saw.”

“Exactly!” Charlie’s scream was broken with frustrated sobs, “You brought me back from death but can’t be seen with me! You’re not so oblivious as to miss how ridiculous that is!”

“I was protecting you then, and I’m protecting you now.”

“I didn’t ask for your protection.”

“So, I’m supposed to watch you get hurt when I can prevent it?”

“Prevent it?” Charlie found the idea so ludicrous she laughed – a bitter, wet laugh – “Yeah, you’re doing a great job of preventing me from getting hurt.”

“This is serious, Charlie,” Ethan’s face hardened.

Charlie was a grown woman and a promising professional. She knew better than to laugh about something so serious as the future of her career. She was too trusting of her talent. Ethan had seen many bright stars burn out, and she was naïve to think she was immune from a similar fate.

Maybe she was too young to understand the gravity of throwing everything away at twenty-seven.

They had the rest of their lives to find a solution to their problem. She only had three years to do her residency.

“I know it’s serious,” Charlie’s eyes narrowed, “I’m the one who took a pregnancy test by herself and cried in the supply closet so you could babysit interns to appease a man who already knows we’re fucking.”

Ethan flinched.

It was one thing for Charlie to speak of his sacrifice so callously. It was another for the garb to be veiled in truth.

Both were sins to Ethan – maybe more his than hers. Yet, he reacted blindly to both.

“I was helping you,” he repeated, a broken record begging for understanding, and with each replay, the original understanding was lost. And all that was heard was the reiteration of syllables and mounting frustration.

“I don’t want your help. I want to make my own decisions!” Charlie felt powerless.

Useless.

Stupid.

Young. Incredibly young.

As Ethan stood stoic in front of her, Charlie felt frantic. She wanted to scream until he felt the same life-altering anxiety and pain she did. She wanted him to feel it. She didn’t want to stand in the storm alone.

“Well, your decisions will ruin your career,” Ethan’s words dripped in bitterness, and woven in each one, she heard his disapproval and judgment.

“It’s my career to ruin, not yours. You’re not my father, Ethan! You don’t get to decide how I live my life,” Charlie bit back.

“Why not?” Ethan felt like roaring, but his voice was unnervingly calm. All that revealed his anger was a clip to his words and a fire in his eyes, “It’s my life, my career, my relationship, too. We’re only here because I asked you to be with me. Why don’t I get to decide?”

“Because I asked for a boyfriend, not a guardian. I want more than secret moments and whispered promises.”

Ethan bristled. She was right to want those things, but it left a deep ache in his chest that he wasn’t enough to stave off her cravings. Why couldn’t he be enough?

“You see our friends,” Charlie challenged, taking his silence as an indication that she’d struck a nerve, “They’re happy and in love with everyone watching. Don’t you want that?” her voice broke, “Don’t you want to go home together without having to leaving separately to avoid suspicion?”

Of course, he did.

He wanted all those things and more, but he knew he couldn’t give it, not when every moment of tenderness could cause them years of pain. He loved her, but he wasn’t selfish enough to have her at the expense of her grand future.

And maybe, beneath the chivalrous self-sacrifice, he wasn’t the kind of man who could give her everything she needed.

Maybe he wasn’t built to give those things. He didn’t know how because he’d never given it to anyone else, even when they stood begging before him. No one had ever meant this much to him, and he’d never had a reason to try until now.

Perhaps hiding in the shadows was easier than failing in the light.

“Of course, I want that, but you know that’s not something we can do,” Ethan’s angry words felt more like a plea than a scream, a plea for her to finally understand, “You always knew that. We agreed to these limits from the start.”

“But why?” Charlie challenged, “Who would have cared? What would have happened? Were we afraid of actual danger, or were we just hiding?”

“We had to hide.”

“No, we didn’t. We were hiding from this. Be honest, neither of us really trusted that we could be together without destroying ourselves and each other.”

“So, what is this then?” Ethan threw his hands up, gesturing to the fight and all the lingering wounds it created, “Some self-fulfilling prophecy? We have to break our relationship because we fear it?”

“It’s already broken, Ethan.”

Ethan staggered back, his legs giving way to the force of the shock.

It wasn’t broken.

This is just one fracture – there have been ones before it, and there will be more after. But it’s far from shattered.

They’ll make it, if they just make it through the night.

But maybe Charlie didn’t want to make it, he realized, and it was a breathtaking blow.

Ethan didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t the kind of man who knew want to do or how to make this all better.

Once, he’d been a god. He’d flirted with the heavens and glared down at mortals.

Now, he was just a boy.

A boy who never learned how to say he was sorry.

A boy who didn’t know what it meant to stay.

A boy who’d spent so long avoiding love that he couldn’t stop it slipping from his grasp.

“Charlotte,” Ethan stumbled, the tears residing in his voice rather than his eyes, “this is one fight.”

It didn’t have to be more. The morning could heal them, if they waited long enough.

“No, it’s not,” Charlie didn’t hide her feelings like Ethan did. She wasn’t sure she could. Instead, the hurt poured out of her. With every word, a pain expressed. A wound unearthed. A wedge between them formed. “It’s weeks of fighting and almost a year of hiding.”

“It was one mistake!” his voice started to slip. Desperation clung to his throat. She felt the panic in his voice.

And maybe it felt nice.

A reminder that he was in pain, too. Maybe she wanted to rub it in.

“You would do it tomorrow!” she roared.

Ethan paused, unable to deny it.

“Admit it,” Charlie demanded.

“Fine!” Ethan threw up his hands, “I would! Because this is my fault! I couldn’t stay away from you, and I can’t just stand here and let you pay the price.”

Charlie wanted to scream.

The same line.

The same fucking story.

Her jaw tightened as she recalled how many times he’d told her this. How many nights she’d let him say it and still gotten back in his bed. How many silent betrayals she withstood just so he could say this again.

“This is exhausting, Ethan,” she paced, “We have the same fight every night, and nothing has changed!”

“Charlie, I’m sorry.”

“That’s not enough!” Charlie stopped mid-stride, shooting him a glare so rich in animosity that Ethan wondered if she truly hated him, “Being sorry is not enough!”

“Then what is?” he demanded.

Charlie said nothing – she just paced.

She walked because she didn��t know what could be enough.

This beautiful, unbreakable, eternal thing was mangled and destroyed. Even as hope clawed through her and tore at her soul, begging to find something to hold on to, Charlie couldn’t find a way to save them.

He left her there.

Today. The night of the grand opening. The mornings he didn’t walk in with her. The evenings he pretended not to go home to her. The casual conversations where he said he wasn’t seeing anyone. The purposeful lies he spread about their distance and lack of attachment.

He disappointed her.

As horrible as it was, this betrayal hurt so much because it was one of many.

Death by a thousand cuts.

Ethan didn’t save her. He didn’t even try.

And nothing could fix that.

Charlie’s silence was deafening.

Ethan waited for her to find a way out of this mess – a gesture he could offer, a promise he could make, a sin he could avoid. When she didn’t, Ethan finally understood the gravity of their grudges and buried wounds.

It was more than this fight.

It was more than all the fights.

It was everything – all the way back to the beginning.

And for the first time in a long time, Ethan’s confidence faltered, and he realized that Charlie could really leave him. Unlike all the other nights, they might not emerge unscathed.

This knowledge burned.

The second it touched him, the flame spread, destroying everything in his path. It ached. It stung. It ravaged him, body and soul, and left him lifeless. Because he would be lifeless without her.

He knew how to be abandoned.

He knew that people left.

He knew that love was ridiculous and would only hurt those stupid enough to pursue it.

But this was different.

Charlie, his beautiful Charlie, was different.

She couldn’t leave.

No. No. Please, no.

Fear. All he felt was fear and loss and desperation, and he begged. He begged her to understand, to stay, to love him.

“Charlie, my darling Charlie, it’s okay” Ethan rushed to her, locking his arms around her and wiping the salty tears from her face, “I love you. We will fix this, please. We’re not the same people who hurt each other back then. We’ve changed.”

“What does it mean to change when I’m always running away and you’re always letting me go?” Charlie sobbed, letting his warm, soft hands wipe away the tears as they fell.

She couldn’t stop him, not when part of her knew she may never feel it again.

“You don’t have to run,” Ethan pressed his forehead to hers, breathing her in.

Cataloging the way she smelt. Savoring the way she took her breaths. Memorizing the feeling of her skin on his.

He needed to save this moment, even if it was ugly and would haunt him until his final breath.

“Baby, you don’t need to run. I love you,” he kissed her nose sloppily, whispering the praise of “I love you” over and over like an incantation that might bring her back.

Charlie wept with each promise.

She didn’t have the words, yet she said them back to him each time.

But this moment was always just a moment.

Just as they knew it would, the tide of fury swept Charlie up, and she looked at her precious Ethan with a fire so hot that it burned up any devotion and affection. Anger and disappointment rushed through her, leaving her blinded.

“Are you going to change?” Charlie demanded.

“Charlie-“

“Are you going to change?” she repeated more insistently.

Ethan couldn’t lie.

“No,” he breathed, ashamed of the word before it left his lips.

“Are we still going to hide?” Charlie asked.

He felt the change with each word she said.

She was frustrated.

She hated him.

And she already knew what he would say.

“Yes,” he affirmed, closing his eyes to spare himself the pain of watching her anger grow.

“If this all happened tomorrow – if I needed you and being by my side carried the risk of discovery – would you still do this? Would you still leave me there?”

“Charlie, I love you,” he begged.

“Ethan, answer me.”

“You have to understand,” Ethan urged desperately, “This is for us.”

“Ethan,” Charlie warned.

He knew she wouldn’t give him another chance.

He knew better than to answer honestly.

Yet, he also couldn’t lie to her. Not when they both knew the truth.

“I would,” he confessed.

Charlie blew out an angry breath, and she yanked herself out of his grasp. His treacherous, deceitful arms. Promising things he could never give.

Charlie hated him.

Truly hated him.

This horrible, horrible man promised to love her when he knew he couldn’t, and he cruelly allowed her to fall in love with him when all he offered was pain and disappointment.

And he had the audacity to cloak the damage in self-sacrifice and the greater good. He made her responsible for her own pain and avoided blame every time.

Selfish. Callous. Pathetic.

Broken and bleeding, Charlie seethed, “That isn’t enough! This isn’t enough, Ethan!” she screamed until her voice was raw, “I need more. I deserve more. I love you, but this is not enough.”

“Charlie, please,” he reached for her, only to see her shutter and escape his touch. Watching it felt like a stab to the heart.

“No, you made your choice. Every fucking step of the way, you made your choice, and it wasn’t me!”

“Charlie, stay,” Ethan dropped to his knees, flailing to reach her hands, but she was beyond his touch.

“No,” she shook her head, stumbling backward, “No….”

She was exhausted, and even though she hated him, seeing him beg was a new kind of hell.

It was too much.

Somehow, it was too much, but he wasn’t enough.

Before she lost her resolve and would submit herself to a thousand more nights of the same fight and the same hurts, Charlie gave up.

That night, Charlie stormed out of Ethan’s apartment, and he let her go.

[choicesaddict5]

Waiting for You

Synopsis: After weeks of fighting, tensions between Charlie and Ethan rise to the surface.

Chapter 35 of the “with and without” series

Previous Series: “a weekend with dr. ramsey”

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x MC (Charlotte “Charlie” Greene)

Words: 3.9k

Rating: Teen (language)

Also available on AO3 & Wattpad (link in Masterlist)

No one said anything as Charlie Greene stood at the nurse’s station and stared off at Ethan Ramsey. Even if someone had something to say – and of course, many of them did – they wouldn’t dare say it to her.

Not when she looked at him like that.

Hunched over her charts, fury, disappointment, and frustration flashed in her green eyes with the intensity of a hurricane.

She hadn’t slept, leaving dark circles under her eyes and exhaustion on her face. But how could she sleep? She’d spent her night screaming at Ethan to understand and then cursing him when he didn’t. But only a few hours later, she could hardly remember what had driven them to such rage. It was just one of many disagreements that had plagued the last five weeks.

The fights were always meaningful and potent in the moment. Whatever sparked it couldn’t go untouched, and the possibility of letting it go was too repulsive to entertain. Nothing but a swift solution would do.

Resolve wavered. Rules were broken. Wars were waged.

The entire world was ending, and they needed to express it in some way, even if it meant screaming until their voices were raw.

Because screaming was better than silence.

When the dust settled, the disagreements were hazy. The lines were redrawn, if just a bit fainter now. Remorse plagued them, and they were desperate to smooth over the wounds.

In the morning, Charlie could never remember why they fought, but she knew she could never live without him.

Last night, they’d planned a lovely dinner, but instead of sipping red wine and praising Ethan’s cuisine, they exchanged bitterness and old grudges. It was about everything – yet somehow, it was nothing in retrospect.

He was protecting her. Why couldn’t she understand that?

She was tired of hiding. Why couldn’t he understand that?

Well past midnight, Charlie slammed Ethan’s front door, and she stormed home, swearing that she hated him. She spent the rest of her night awake, staring at the ceiling because she begrudgingly realized that she had forgotten how to sleep without him next to her.

This morning, after floating through her apartment like a ghost haunting it, she came to work intending to patch things up. She didn’t want to fight, and having to hide was better than living without him.

Every time she woke up without him or spent a cold morning in his apartment under the weight of their fight, she remembered just how terrible it was to not be in love with Ethan Ramsey. She remembered the darkest days of her life had been spent mourning the loss of him while he ran away to another continent. She remembered that she’d accepted his initial offer for a secret relationship because having any piece of him was better than having none.

She didn’t know why this epiphany only came after the fight and why it eluded her during the turmoil.

Maybe, if she looked closer, she would find something lurking beneath her fear of loss, an unsaid ultimatum that lingered on the periphery of every conversation she’d had with Ethan since Bloom gained control of Edenbrook.

But she didn’t care to give it a closer look.

She just wanted to talk to Ethan, exchange apologies, and fall asleep in his king-size bed with him snoring next to her. No fight mattered as much as the exhaustion in her body and soul. She ached to say she loved him, even if it had to be said in a secret whisper.

That was why she watched him now.

She hoped that Ethan would see her and be so relieved that he abandoned his work and offered his apology right there.

Of course, he didn’t do that.

When Ethan saw Charlie, his body visibly relaxed. The anxiety plaguing him from the moment she stormed out of his apartment lessened, if just a bit. It wasn’t a resolution, but it was enough to put him at ease. He kept looking back at her like he wanted to assure himself that she was still there. She felt the intention radiating off him, and she heard his urgent apology before he said a word.

But he didn’t approach.

All feelings and emotions were from afar.

Just silent messages only she could decode.

Still, she stayed.

Maybe still hoping that he would surprise her. Maybe thinking that it was better to see him, even if she couldn’t talk to him. Or maybe to watch her.

Ava Silva.

Star intern. Ardent admirer of Ethan Ramsey, and coincidentally, his assigned intern for the day.

It usually wasn’t difficult to watch them. Dr. Silva inadvertently confessed her crush on Ethan Ramsey months ago, but she wasn’t the first to harbor a passion for Charlie’s boyfriend. If anything, Charlie respected Ava’s honesty. And Charlie understood why Ethan worked with her so often. Ava was brilliant, and she would make a fine doctor. Ethan always liked students he knew would flourish under his attention, and he gave it to Ava when he could. Ethan didn’t seem to recognize Ava’s crush, but if he did, he gave it no real thought.

There was never a threat that Ethan Ramsey would stray and certainly not a threat that he would go to Ava if he did.

Charlie didn’t revile them for the possibility of a secret love affair.

She ached with unvoiced jealousy that Ava got to be with him. That Ava heard his unrestrained praises. That Ava could receive special attention from her mentor without whispers finding their way to Bloom’s office. That Ava could have everything Charlie wanted.

This will find its way into our next fight, Charlie thought passively.

The notion revolted Charlie.

The next fight.

It felt so inevitable. Even when all Charlie wanted to do was patch up their current argument, she couldn’t deny that there would be another.

Because no matter what they screamed about or what apologies they offered in the morning, they’d never resolve their current problem. Bloom was still a threat, and their relationship was still a secret. Until one of those conditions changed, they would be at odds. Neither could understand or appreciate the sacrifice of the other, and neither could fathom living the other’s ideal life. Resolution was always out of reach – either by timing or their own unwillingness to change.

Charlie grimaced as she imagined spending the next year the same way she’d spent the last few months, yet she could think of no alternative.

Except maybe talking to him, she thought.

“Charlie,” a voice startled her out of her quiet musings.

Charlie jumped, and when she turned to face the stranger, part of her expected it to be Ethan finally coming to set things right. But of course, it wasn’t.

Instead, Sienna faced her friend with kindness and quiet worry. She held a cup of coffee in each hand, one suspiciously tailored to Charlie’s taste and silently outstretched as a goodwill offering.

“Oh, hey,” Charlie swallowed her disappointment, hurriedly attempting to collect herself after being lost in her inner thoughts.

“I heard you come in late, and I thought you’d need some caffeine,” Sienna explained cheerfully, but even through Charlie’s bleary eyes, Sienna looked concerned. To ease her friend, Charlie thanked her and accepted the coffee.

“I hope I didn’t wake you,” Charlie added after taking a sip.

Of course, she had. Even though Charlie tried to quietly enter the apartment, Sienna was startled by the sudden noise. When she realized it was Charlie returning from an early morning fight with her boyfriend, Sienna almost wished it had been a burglar.

But Sienna politely lied and assured her that she’d already been awake, and Charlie politely pretended to believe her.

Sienna also pretended not to notice that Charlie’s eyes kept flitting back to Ethan.

“You doing okay?” Sienna asked.

“Uh…” Charlie hesitated, “Yeah. Just tired.”

Sienna nodded, failing to fully mask her disappointment at Charlie’s dishonesty.

“Well, I’m going to get a late breakfast in the cafeteria if you want to join,” Sienna suggested.

Charlie instinctively looked at Ethan – like he would somehow stop her or give her a reason to stay.

Sienna tried not to pity Charlie, or at least she tried to hide it.

Watching Charlie fall in love with Ethan had been difficult – due to Sienna’s concern for her friend and her own grief – but it had also been miraculous. Sienna felt privileged to see it unfold, and she was relieved that Ethan had been able to pick up Charlie’s pieces when Sienna was too distressed to do it herself.

However, watching Ethan slip out of Charlie’s fingers was agonizing.

Every night, Sienna watched Charlie sink further, and every day, Sienna watched as she tried to rise again. Love, hate, and disappointment flashed in Charlie’s expression until it was difficult to discern one from the other.

Charlie accepted Sienna’s breakfast invitation, and with tremendous effort, she pulled herself away from Ethan.

Out of the corner of his eye, Ethan watched her go. He lost track of what Ava said to him, too self-involved with his own internal pleas for Charlie to return. Even if he hadn’t yet dropped to his knees and begged for her forgiveness, he felt at peace near her. And he’d thought that, maybe if she waited just a minute longer, he would go to her.

Away from Ethan, Charlie was no longer fueled by her anger and disappointment, and inside the cafeteria, she succumbed to her own exhaustion and frustration. She wasn’t much of a conversationalist, though it didn’t matter with Sienna picking up the slack. Sienna didn’t seem to mind as she shared her recent struggles with her intern while they ordered their food, nor did Sienna mind when Charlie half-heartedly picked at her bagel. After a restless night, Charlie was too nauseous to eat, but she didn’t want to be alone.

“Thank you for taking Mitch’s patient, by the way,” Sienna said mid-bite, “He was being such an asshole, and I didn’t have room in my schedule to clean up his mess.”

Charlie waved off her friend, “No thanks necessary.”

“I still can’t believe he yelled at a patient for throwing up,” Sienna lowered her voice to a whisper like the sentence was too shameful to be said in the cafeteria.

“I still can’t believe he hasn’t been fired yet,” Charlie grumbled.

“He has an appointment with HR today,” Sienna said casually. Clearly, she’d also given up on the hospital doing anything to stop her intern’s behavior. They’d done nothing when he’d mistreated her all year.

Charlie scoffed.

“Well, did you at least find out what’s happening with the patient?” Sienna inquired.

“No, not yet,” Charlie shrugged, stirring an extra creamer into her coffee, “Still testing. I have a feeling it’s hyperemesis gravidarum, though.”

“She’s pregnant?”

“Not sure since Mitch didn’t run a pregnancy test, even though she hasn’t had a period in seven weeks and shows multiple symptoms of early pregnancy,” Charlie lamented. In a way, Charlie was happy she’d taken over Mitch’s case because it gave her someone to hate other than Ethan.

“Seven weeks?” Sienna repeated with reverent horror, “I panic even when I’m not late. And I’m on birth control. And not having sex.”

Charlie chucked as she remembered all her late-night shopping trips to buy pregnancy tests over the years, even when there was no chance it would come back positive. She hadn’t experienced that panic since moving to Boston, which was a surprise given how much the stress of residency impacted her cycle.

Stress had ravaged her – brain to body.

Even now, she couldn’t remember when her last menstrual cycle was.

Weeks, probably.

Maybe even a month.

… maybe two.

Charlie frowned, trying to pinpoint the day.

She couldn’t remember having her period. Not since before the grand opening party of Edenbrook, which was over a month prior.

Charlie poured over every memory she had of that time, desperate to find something about her menstrual cycle. But all she could remember was fighting and then making up in Ethan’s bedroom. Weeks of exhaustion, frustration, and irresponsibly unprotected sex.

No, she thought.

She had to be wrong.

She couldn’t possibly be … pregnant.

Suddenly, Charlie could hear nothing but her internal panic, ignoring Sienna as she shared a funny story about a pregnancy scare back in college.

Quietly – unbearably quietly – Charlie spiraled.

A baby in residency? With a man who couldn’t even acknowledge her as a girlfriend? What kind of secrecy could be maintained if Charlie was having his child? What should she do? What did she want to do? What would Ethan want to do?

It was impossible to tell how long Charlie brewed in her anxiety – though it was just long enough for Sienna to finish telling her story and start talking about an exciting new recipe. When Charlie could take it no longer, she quickly excused herself, thanking Sienna for the invitation and promising to do this again soon.

She’d hardly made it a step out of the room when she got out her phone to text Ethan.

Charlie: I need to see you.

A moment passed.

Ethan: I need to finish rounds and then we can meet in my office.

Charlie: no, I need to see you now.

Ethan: I can’t leave rounds. I have a dozen interns waiting on me.

Charlie: I think I’m pregnant.

The world stopped moving.

Or maybe it kept moving and Ethan was the one stuck in place.

Ethan: You’re kidding.

Charlie: why would I joke about that?

Ethan:  When was your last period?

Charlie: at least a month ago.

Another pause. Charlie wondered what he was doing – if he felt the same panic she felt. She hated that she had to guess at all. He should be here.

Ethan: Okay, we’ll take a pregnancy test today. After I finish my rounds, I’ll collect the sample and take it for testing.

Charlie: after your rounds???

Charlie: I need to see you now. I’m not doing this by myself.

Ethan: Wait until I’ve finished, and I’ll be there.

Charlie: I’m taking a pregnancy test now. I need you here. Pause your fucking rounds and tell your interns you’ll be back in ten minutes.

Ethan: I can’t drop work right now.

Charlie: You’re Ethan Ramsey. Of course, you can.

Charlie: I’m taking the pregnancy test. I’ll be in the supply closet by the lab, and you’re going to meet me. I can’t do this alone.

To this text, Ethan didn’t answer.

Charlie didn’t know how to interpret his silence, but she decided that it meant he would tell his interns to wait and come find her. He’d be annoyed, of course, but she knew he would never let her go through this alone, especially when she’d told him she needed his support. Ethan was an asshole, but he loved her too much to abandon her now.

As Charlie collected her sample and dropped it off at the lab for urgent testing, she kept looking at her phone – expecting a text back from Ethan at any moment. She tried not to panic at his silence.

Which was relatively easy when she could panic about the test instead.

Charlie settled into the agreed-upon supply closet, keeping her hospital portal open for any impending notifications. Any moment, the lab would tell her the life-changing news, and all she could do was wait.

Seconds dragged into minutes, and Ethan still hadn’t arrived.

The anxiety in her stomach morphed into dread and disappointment. Where was he?

Chewing on her lower lip, Charlie drafted another text.

Charlie: Ethan, I’m serious. I really need you.

Again, silence.

With each passing moment, Charlie needed Ethan more. She needed Ethan to steady her. Alone, she grappled with the significance of the moment and all that could happen. She was buried in her fear and anxiety until she felt nothing but the ticking of time and the lurking danger.

He’ll come, Charlie assured herself.

Any moment now.

He wouldn’t do this to me.

Charlie gave a silent, impassioned plea for him not to disappoint her.

Today of all days, please don’t let him disappoint her.

Ding.

Charlie looked down at her phone, expecting a text notification, but instead, test results stared back at her.

Test results she received without Ethan.

It only took one look at the screen for Charlie to crumble.

Every defense shattered, releasing months of anger and resentment. Every lie she told herself became an unbearable truth. Every disappointment was an unforgivable act of treason.

Her body shook with her silent sobs, but all she wanted to do was scream.

The door to the supply closet opened, but Charlie knew it wouldn’t be him.

He hadn’t come.

When she realized it was Sienna who had stumbled upon her, Charlie felt nothing. Charlie was too busy feeling everything else that she’d kept dormant for months to recognize that, once again, Ethan had let her down.

“Charlie, oh my God, are you okay?” Sienna rushed to Charlie’s side, fear bleeding into her voice, “What happened? I just saw you in the cafeteria! Everything was fine, and we were talking about … oh my God, are you pregnant?”

Charlie choked on her tears, weakly reaching for her cell phone.

“Holy shit, you took a test,” Sienna’s voice raised to an impossibly high pitch as she tried to calm herself, “Listen, Charlie, it’ll be okay. I’m here for you. We’re all here for you. We love you, and if you decide you want to be a mom, we’ll all be here for you and your baby. Nothing has to stop you from achieving your dreams. I promise, I’ll be there every step of the way, and –”

Finally, Charlie got the test result up and showed Sienna the screen.

Sienna’s face fell, and she read the result over and over again.

“But… it’s negative,” Sienna frowned, “If you’re not pregnant, why are you…?” Sienna trailed off, generally motioning to Charlie’s despair.

Saying it out loud was soul-crushing.

Charlie was sure she would shatter just from thinking it.

But, between tears, Charlie answered, “He didn’t come.”

He didn’t come.

In the moment she needed him, he didn’t show.

He put his career first.

She would never be more important than his work and reputation, and she would never be more than a secret to him.

When she was sobbing in a supply closet, it was Sienna who came to patch her up, not the man who promised to love and fight for her for the rest of his life.

For weeks, Charlie had covered up her wounds. She’d forgiven him, even when neither of them deserved forgiveness because she loved him more than she cared about the fight. But now, the pain was too great to hide.

This betrayal was more important than her need to keep Ethan in her life.

He didn’t have to hold her hand in the street. He didn’t have to kiss her in the open. He didn’t even have to smile in her direction.

But he did need to be with her when she really needed him.

He needed to be someone that she could depend on.

She deserved someone who loved her more than he loved peace in the workplace and the prestige of his unblemished reputation. She deserved to be more than a secret in someone’s bedroom.

She respected herself too much.

And in a way, she loved him too much.

Sienna fell to the floor with Charlie, and together, they cried. They shared their despair, and Charlie clung to the comfort.

But even beneath the warmth of her friend’s love, Charlie knew that something had changed. Something irrevocable occurred. She remembered how he’d promised not to hurt her again and how she’d accepted him, even when she knew he would disappoint her one day.

She’d been naïve to believe that he could change – that she could mean more to him than his beloved Edenbrook.

When enough time passed and they were both out of tears, Sienna picked up Charlie’s pieces, and she cleaned them up. Charlie couldn’t wipe the devastation off her face, but Sienna could at least smooth her hair and wipe away the tears.

Together, they left the supply closet, and Charlie felt another piece of her soul die.

If she’d just stayed a little longer.

If she’d been willing to give him more time.

If she’d waited for him.

Then she would have seen Ethan rush through the halls, suddenly aware of his grave mistake. Without expressly acknowledging it in himself, he understood that this was more than a delayed pregnancy test. This was the culmination of all the days and nights Charlie had waited for him to change his mind and be the man he promised to be.

He understood that, by not being there, he’d done more than miss a lab result.

He’d recognized the significance of why he was late – that he’d disappointed her in favor of preventing a scene at work. He knew what it meant to pick his role as attending over his role of boyfriend.

And he knew he’d hurt her in a way he may never recover from.

So, he told himself he hadn’t missed it.

After finding the supply closet empty, he looked for Charlie – going to the lab, nearby patient rooms, the nurse’s station, and even the on-call room and doctor’s lounge. In a moment of desperation, he checked his office – like she’d be willing to wait for him there after he’d refused to acknowledge her impassioned plea for support.

But Charlie was gone.

Exiting his office, Ethan meant to continue his search.

But looming in the corner, Bloom watched.

The second Ethan spotted him, he knew that Bloom had seen Ethan rush through the hospital in search of Charlie. He knew that Bloom would continue to watch if Ethan continued to search. He would use whatever he’d seen here today against them both.

Panic prickled at Ethan’s skin, and he instinctively took a step back.

They couldn’t be discovered.

Ethan had hurt Charlie enough. He couldn’t be responsible for the demolition of her career – not when she was so promising and so dedicated. He loved her too much to be her downfall.

“Dr. Ramsey?”

It took Ethan a moment to realize that the greeting came from Ava Silva, one of his interns who had just rounded the corner with a stack of charts.

Ethan knew that he should have ignored them both. He should have found Charlie, explained his mistake, and begged for her forgiveness. He would give her anything she needed – anything she wanted. He would make up for his failure again and again, even when she’d forgotten.

He would drop everything and raise a baby.

He would run out the front door and leave Boston if it meant keeping her.

But would he really?

Would he actually go?

All she’d asked of him was to take a moment and support her, and he hadn’t even been able to do that.

Ethan told himself that he was protecting them. He was making a difficult decision not to chase after Charlie, but she would understand. One day, she would thank him for this. She would know that he had done what was best.

But he was only conceding to his cowardice.

Ethan regretted this decision for the rest of his life.

He would regret it now, if he would only listen to himself.

But he didn’t.

Instead, he politely greeted Dr. Silva and spoke about a patient instead of chasing the woman he loved.

And he would pay for it.

Author's Note: please don't hate me.

[choicesaddict5]

Welcome to the United States of America where if you want to be safe from guns you die if you want to get a safe abortion you die if you're gay you die if you're black you die if you're a woman you die if you're a POC you die and no one will do anything about it because some stupid cuntrags that are two steps away from tripping on a staircase and dying cling to some dipshit beliefs from over 6 decades ago and decide to make it everyone's problem

[choicesaddict5]

“Sometimes I have to remind myself that I don’t have to do what everyone else is doing.”

— Unknown