choppedvoidcomputer

[choppedvoidcomputer]

07/04/24

I have been feeling so empty lately. And i guess that's making me feel kinda depressed, I told that to my terapist, about the depressed part, I tried finding reasons to explain it, and there's always going to be reasons to be feeling depressed. But this time I'm not sure they're good enough of reasons to be feeling this way. I've telling myself I'd journal, but idk, I didnt have the time, or didnt really feel like it. So I left to when I'm going insane (now). So I'll tell what happened this last few months

Why I'm feeling empty? I don't feel any love, in me, towards me, of any kind, not like I did last year anyway

I don't feel like my parents love me

my friends seem not care either, we had disagreements I guess, after the beach trip

my birthday is this week and I could not feel less like it, like partying, like socializing, leaving the house

I have so many school tests upcoming and my brain doesnt work

I started smoking (if you can call that), I smoke when I feel like shit or when I'm really anxious, there's something about breathing the smoke in and out that really calms me down (or it's the nicotine, probably)

I honestly don't know whats wrong with me, I think I'll feel better when school is over. Because somehow I feel like school is the origin of all my problems. What if doesnt tho?

I tried every stupid little thing that usually made me feel better: shopping, eating sugar, dying my hair but nothing makes me feel even a tiny little bit better

And the shit part is that my life is only starting, I'm not even 20 years old yet, imagine all this same feeling I'll feel ins my 20's. I'm not sure I can deal with this for this much longer

[choppedvoidcomputer]

21/01/24

here i am again, writing about you, I wonder when that's going to stop.

we were trying to be friends, but we got into a fight because I cant let the past go, and because I'll always feel angry towards you. And you blame for that (you always found a way of blaming me for everything you did wrong, and you still do it), you blame me for not being able to forgive you even after all you've done to please me (which was acting like a normal human being)

but yeah, i don't forgive you. How could I? after everything you did

I've been thinking about it, and i guess the worst part is that I cared so much about you, I would have done anything for you and deep down I always knew that you would never do the same for me (when you know you know). And i kept thinking, why? why wouldnt you do the same for me? what's wrong with me? nothing really.

you're selfish, you wanted somebody to love you and to take care of you, but you werent willing to do the same for me, or for anyone.

And I was a person filled with love to give, and for such a long time I had to limit myself. I would tell myself not to care about you, not to touch you, kiss you, I thought this would make e feel less of a fool, because you didnt touch me anymore, didnt kiss me either.

but you never deserved it

not now either. You cant treat me like shit and still have the privilege to talk to me, to hear my deepest thoughts and to visist my favorite spots

There's also another really shitty part, you don't seem to feel any regret. I wanted you to look back at the past and think: "i had a chance of having a great love and I threw it all away". But you seem perfectly fine with that, and that's not fair, because I talk to you and think you could've been the one if you hadn't screwed everything up so bad, you're supposed to feel that way, not me.

And after all, I'm still the one who takes pictures of you, silly me (go right ahead, Laugh at the girl who loved too easily)

Always the painter never the muse

It's kind of funny, january 22 you were dumping me, january 23 you were one step away of cheating on me, and I thought this january would be different, that I had finally learned my lesson

and yet here I am, always making a fool out of myself for you

[choppedvoidcomputer]

guess im going to go full carrie bradshaw on this one but i have to get it out of my chest, not sure if i want you to see this or if it should stay with myself, i guess whatever happens happens. Just for a future reference to myself, life's been pretty kind to me I think. I feel whole in ways I haven't felt in a long time, I feel so grateful for everything that has happened to me over this year, the good and bad. Although I must admit at first I didn't take the bad stuff so well, it hurt too much, I've felt anger in ways I've never fel before, but now I see it was for a greater good and i've learned so much. Especially that i don't need anyone to be happy (I mean that in the sense of a boyfriend), that I can have fun by myself. Because for such a long time I felt like I couldn't be on my own and feel ok about it, I needed to chase love otherwise I'd be miserable. And now I realise it's not like that at all. These last months I felt the happiest I've ever been, I started to appreciate small things, I've grown so many amazing friendships and most importantly I've felt so free. Free of that believe that I need someone, and now that I've realized I don't, I feel like nothing can stop me. I hope this feeling lasts

now that that's out of the way, I have a few (maybe a lot, we'll see) things to say to you. I really didn't want to do this out of anger but I feel like it can get out of my control really fast, I'll try my best

i feel like you're angry at me, and you know, everybody's process is different, and you're allowed to feel whatever you like, but i think you're angry at me for the wrong reasons, with the wrong arguments. I wish I didn't feel like I had to do this, but here I am, needing to defend myself.

you can say that i didn't love you or that i wouldn't do what it takes for you, and you can believe that all you want, whatever makes you feel better about yourself. But we both know that's simply not the truth. I did everything beyond my reach for you, over and over again. I forgave you so many times. I gave you so many opportunities to show that you actually cared about me. But all you ever did was talk, talk about how much you loved me, about me being the one. But you never acted like I was the one. All the lying, hiding and leaving me alone at the times I needed you the most. I remember what your answer were when I would tell you that, you'd say that you weren't doing good either, and that you couldn't take care of me because you needed to take care of yourself. But there were so many times I was down, and you were too, where I would hide my problems just so I could be there for you, and did everything for trying to make you feel better.

I chose you over me every single time, you were my priority

And yet, when you had the chance to make things right with me (i gave you plenty of chances) you chose other people over me (the love of your life, you claimed)

Sometimes I wonder if you ever really loved me at all, because you don't do the things you did to someone you really love. It's that easy

So yeah, at the end I chose myself, I chose the leave the guy who did all of those terrible things to me, who said the most gut wrenching things to me (that I'll remember for a long time) and you can get mad at me all you want for that, for "giving up", as you would probably say. But I did the same exact thing you did to me

also, you like to say I left you for someone else or that kind of tumblr post "when i was thinking about you, you met someone new", real mr. brightside shit if you ask me. but i must remember you, you're the one who did that (you remember at the beach, don't you?). Besides, I see you didn't waste any time replacing me

I'm sorry if it sounded agressive, but for what is worth I'm glad to know you're happy. Maybe in a perfect world things could've been different, but i'm really happy in this world too

As the wise Sylvia Plath once wrote: “I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.” (She wrote this at a entirely different idea, but i feel it represents well how I feel)

i wish i could write somenthing pretty at the end but it's impossible to top sylvia plath, so I'll leave it at that (it rymed hehe)