chr0nicallycautious

[chr0nicallycautious]

sometimes i feel like i want to hurt myself and I don't know why. I get so upset and so angry and I feel like the only way to help myself is to hurt myself. I don't, because I don't feel like that would do me any good, but I want to. And those thoughts scare me. I SHOULDN'T hurt myself, I don't really want to but sometimes I feel like that's the only way I can stop feeling like this.

The way my mother speaks to me makes me feel dumb, makes me feel like I'm a child again and I can't understand her words. She asks too much of me even though she knows I'm not doing well.

Me being on medication isn't enough for her and trying to sort myself out isn't enough. How much sicker do I need to get before she realises that I'm struggling? Do I have to try to take my life before she understands that I am not well? That worked for my sister and she's getting babied. I don't want to be babied, I want to be heard.

I thought the urge to hurt myself would go away with my medication as it has done previously, the moment I started taking it, I was fine but I'm on them again now and I just want to hurt myself even more. I shouldn't but I can't get those thoughts out of my head. I'm so angry. I want to hurt.

[chr0nicallycautious]

my mother

pink tote lid moment; the experience of being belittled or demeaned by one’s parents, in some cases even physically abused.

i think my whole life has been one big pink tote lid moment. from the moment i could walk, talk and follow basic instructions, i have been my mothers slave. i was always at her beck and call. whenever she needed me, i was there and always willing to do what she asked of me. i dont know why i gave up my life and devoted myself to such a women.

she always talked about how i deserved more; i deserved to be loved and treated with respect, never talked down on, cherished and cared for so deeply, which completely contradicts her behaviours towards me.

my mother is not a good person and i dont think she ever has been. she had her first child at 18/19, had her second at 24/25 and me a year later and proceeded to have two more after me. it always confuses me as to why she has so many kids when she has such little respect for them.

she was so willing to let go of my older brother when i was just a baby, leaving him with my nanny. her negligence towards him strained the relationship between me and my older brother. and then my other older sibling, gave them an ultimatum in which they could not uphold one of the options and was thrown out of the house.

i keep waiting for this moment to happen to me. for her to throw me out despite everything ive ever done to her. i cook, clean, and care for my younger siblings. i do her favours, expecting nothing in return and work tirelessly like a dog for her.

my mother is not a good person. she loses her temper and when she flies into a temper its like walking on eggshells; a bomb about to explode. you hold your breath waiting for her wrath.

my mother claims she was never physical with us and hates physically disciplining up. tell me why most of the memories i have from when i was younger are of her and my father threatening us with physical violence.

"if you dont do ____ ill rattle your backsides"

"ill smack you so hard you wont be able to sit for a week."

"if you dont stop crying ill give you something to cry about."

the threats always slipped so easily from their tongues, it makes me wonder if they actually felt bad or not. we werent bad children. we were jsut children. children refuse to tidy their rooms, the procrastinate on chores, they act out, they have bad behaviours. i know this from working with children. but at the end of the day, theyre children. they dont know right from wrong. they need to be taught to do these things and given a reason why. threatening them isnt going to do anything other than scare them and make them fear you. and this is how ive felt about my mother my whole life.

i always did things for her out of fear. always did my chores, did everything she asked. i became her best friend so she wouldnt target her anger towards me but in the end it was directed to my younger siblings for their disobedience but in the end it just made them loathe me because i was close with the person who was hurting us. i remember so vividly the fear that struck me after my older sibling was kicked out; every time my mother came up the stairs, i would believe she was coming to kill me. the impulsive thoughts got so bad that i was riddled with anxiety for months and ive never recovered and live in a permanent state of anxiousness.

my mother has been detrimental to my mental health. i cant live in this house. im suffocating. im afraid. what child should be afraid of their own mother.

my most recent pink tote moment is when i woke up to her shouting at me, saying if i didnt clean my room, take down the rubbish and dishes then she would send my best friend - who was staying for the weekend - home. but i knew that it wouldnt stop there. she'd gut the room herself and all my personal belongings would be taken to the tip. she'd make my life a living hell and for what reason?

i never felt like i had a loving mother figure in my life ever. because what mother would treat her child with such little respect.

every child deserves a mother, but not all mothers deserve children. and my mother is one of those.