chris-moretz

[chris-moretz]

“Are you sure that wasn’t Annabeth herself? It wouldn’t surprise me if she started listing random facts about things to random people.” 

“Pretty sure I just met an incarnate Annabeth while waiting to cross the street at the Flatiron because she started listing off ‘fun facts’ about the building. A nice little reminder that it’s been too long since I’ve heard one of those amazing facts.” 

[chris-moretz]

“Do they? Maybe I need to wait for those and then stock up for any future girls or whatever I need to buy for. You’re proud of me? Maybe I should be a decent guy more often. You don’t think I’m a lace-y guy? I think maybe silk is more my thing.”

“Yeah, I think so. I’ve never been in one of those myself, but I feel like I’ve heard people talk about Victoria’s Secret sales before. Or maybe I’m just crazy, who knows. Sam’s underwear stash, huh? Why am I not surprised by the fact that this is gonna be a thing? I’m always proud of you, I just don’t say it that often. I don’t want that head of yours to get too big. Oh, yes. Silk is definitely your fabric. It brings out the sparkle in your eyes.” 

[chris-moretz]

“Oh my god, maybe everything’s a lie, or the owner just liked the name Victoria. Oh my, I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through that. I’ve seen some sights on the cable cars back home–and those things are small, it’s hard to not see it. I don’t know if people just need smaller underwear, if we can see it, what’s covering their butt? Princess Pasta sounds amazing, right? We should make it.”

“That’s certainly possible. Boring, but possible. It’s okay, I’ve rinsed my eyes with holy water and everything was okay. Would it be weird if I asked you what kind of things you’ve seen? I’m intrigued by these exhibitionist cable cars. I feel like maybe what they need is bigger underwear. I think I prefer to see what ever underwear they’re wearing than what’s under said underwear, you know? Oh, definitely. Maybe once I marry her I can become my true self or as I like to call it, Prince Pizza.”

[chris-moretz]

“Maybe the secret is how to afford anything from the store, that shit is expensive. Not for me, obviously, but I’m a good boyfriend, I like my girl to feel special. Not that I wouldn’t look good in a thong, like if John Tucker can do it, why can’t I?

“I’ve heard they have good sales sometimes. Not for you, obviously, but for your girl. Although that might not be new information for her. Look at you though, being a good boyfriend and what not. I don’t think I’ve ever been this proud. I don’t know, I don’t think lace’s really your fabric.” 

[chris-moretz]

“The lingerie brand? Well, I always assumed the founder must have been called Victoria, or if it was a dude maybe it was his wife or something. Imagine if it was his mother–how gross. And I think the secret is the underwear itself because…I don’t know, privacy and stuff, underwear is private. But I don’t know, I didn’t really think into it. What’s up with Burger King? Is there a monarchy of different foods like Princess Pasta and Count Calzone?”

“Well, that went from sweet to creepy very fast. Who knows, maybe this Victoria girl doesn’t even exist. I don’t know about the whole ‘underwear is private’ thing, some people on the subway don’t seem to think that way. Trust me, I’ve seen things that I wish I could erase from my memory. Oh, I hope these food monarchies exist, especially Princess Pasta. I think I could marry her.” 

[chris-moretz]

“Maybe her secret is that shes a witch?” Clover honestly had no idea what the secret was, and honestly she was just grasping at straws. “Or it could be something more scandalous like she was having an affair? who knows.”

“I mean, it’s possible if you somehow consider perfume-making some sort of witchcraft. Maybe the perfume fumes brainwash people into buying underwear and what not. In which case, that would be a very good selling strategy. Maybe Victoria’s secret is that she’s actually a marketing genius. I think the affair thing is also a possibility, but I like the witch theory better.” 

[chris-moretz]

“What’s the deal with Victoria’s Secret? Am I supposed to know who Victoria is? If I don’t know who Victoria is, then how am I supposed to know what her secret is? Who’s Victoria and why the hell does she have a secret? What is she hiding? Did she kill someone? Is her secret not having a secret at all? What do you think?”

[chris-moretz]

[chris-moretz]

“He really does.  They probably would find it all super adorable.  Like, ‘aw, look at this guy.  He tries so hard.’  He’d almost be like those puppies who try to jump out of their cages but can never seem to quite be able to do it.  He might try both of them, but I feel like Percy has some decent cooking skills.  No one can have his mom for a parent and not pick something up.  But, he’d take that and think he could do the crafts, and then those would be his Pinterest fails.  And really, I feel like his failings would make my Cynthia dress even better.  Very true.  And I would do the same for you.  Sounds like a plan.  No, I don’t think it was the cookie dough thing.  And I don’t remember the exact lie, just that it was about ice cream and you admitted you were lying about it later.”

“Someday, maybe someday he’ll get something right and that will be the end of his blog. I’ve never heard of these puppies before, but I can see how that would be adorable. Puppies make everything better. I don’t know, it’s Percy we’re talking about here, but hey, he has never cooked for me before so I wouldn’t know. I will get to the bottom of this though and if he denies anything, I will throw a tantrum on the floor and then kill him in his sleep. Or wait, plot twist. I could be the one making Pinterest crafts. A DIY guillotine to successfully kill my brother if he doesn’t cook for me. Well, if you can’t remember it and if I can’t remember it, maybe it never happened. Or maybe you’re lying about the lie I’m supposedly lying about.” 

[chris-moretz]

“Percy is one thousand percent a Pinterest dad.  And if it wasn’t a thing before, it definitely is now.  He would try so hard, but it would never come out right, and he’d end up having one of those social media accounts dedicated to all of his Pinterest fails.  I’d just have to find that dress she wears.  I’d almost be afraid though people wouldn’t get who I was.  Though, she might be a little more recognizable than if I dressed up as your mom.  Thank you though for having my back and supporting me to win the Best Costume, because if I go through all that trouble, and lose my hair, I’m definitely going to be expecting some sort of reward for that effort.  I don’t know why you did, but you did.”

“Right? He even has a Pinterest dad kind of face. And I think people would find his disgrace kind of adorable. What kind of things do you think he’ll try? Recipes or crafts? I hope he does crafts, because then you’d have someone who could make your Cynthia doll dress. If people don’t know who you are, they’re not worth your time. It’s as simple as that. Ah, it’s not a big deal. You’d do the same for me. The award for Best Costume is already yours, I’m telling you. You know what, I’ll even build a cupcake city for you to destroy with your new, shiny trophy. Oh, so the cookie dough thing wasn’t it? What was it then? I swear, I’d never lie about ice cream except maybe to Percy.” 

[chris-moretz]

“I don’t have the patience or the time to be one of those Pinterest moms.  Besides, I love myself too much to ever become one of those women.  And I am rather attached to my hair.  Literally.  Yeah, the idea of walking around with clumps of hair missing and then half of it suck on with glue doesn’t sound the best.  Every time I went to wash it, it would just start falling out again, and that wouldn’t be fun.  I feel like there was a lie about ice cream somewhere in those five years.  I don’t remember the exact lie, but there was one in there.”

“Yeah, you’re right. If anything, I think I’d see Percy being a Pinterest dad. Is that even a thing? I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong, he’d fail epically, but at least he’d try. You’re right, that wouldn’t be fun, but think about it. You could dress up as that Rugrats doll for Halloween. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade, am I right? I swear, if you don’t win best costume or something like that, I will start a riot. I don’t know how I’m gonna make that happen, but Troy is gonna burn, that’s for sure. Really, Annabeth? Why would I lie about ice cream? If anything, I might’ve said cookie dough was my favorite, but that was before I tried red velvet. I’m older and wiser now.” 

[chris-moretz]

“If you knew me enough then you’d know everything I ever knew, but whatever, guess I expect too much in our friendship. Aw, thanks, Chris, I always wanted a face that was good to look at. I wouldn’t need any fake laughter, all mine would be genuine, as well as the crowd’s. I’m glad you think of them before getting all hot and sweaty, I really appreciate it. Is it? When my life is founded by such jokes?”

“Okay, I’m gonna stop you right there. Do I look like Professor X to you? I can’t possibly know everything you’ve ever known, Piper. I know James McAvoy and I are practically twins and that my life-changing wisdom can be a bit overwhelming at times, but I’m no mind reader. Well, congratulations, you got it. You should consider starting a podcast, that’d make things easier and I wouldn’t have to rely on my memory to get those Dwayne Johnson-y abs. I don’t know where this ‘life being founded by jokes’ thing is coming from, but I don’t wanna keep talking about it or else my blood is going to boil and I don’t wanna die today.” 

[chris-moretz]

“Then maybe they would be able to figure it out.  Or, maybe I’ve just kind of adopted the generic ‘mom’ ness because I feel like you’re not the first person who I’ve reminded someone of their mom.  But were you?  Or, were you making one so that you could destroy it all by yourself without telling me?  Very true.  You’d be very disappointed if you tried to destroy a cupcake city with anyone else but me.”

“You do have a certain ‘mom’ ness to you, but it’s the good kind. I know this because you haven’t started trying out every single craft and every single recipe you see on Pinterest. Please, please don’t ever be a Pinterest mom. I’ve heard hair ripping is something people do when they don’t get their Pinterest stuff right and I certainly don’t wanna come over to your house and see you ripping your hair out. I mean, I could try to glue it back on your head, but I have a feeling that none of us are gonna enjoy that. Look, I know I might look like a monster and especially when I wake up, but I’d never build a cupcake city to destroy it all by myself. We’ve known each other for how many years now? Five? When have I ever lied to you about anything?” 

[chris-moretz]

“Would many people really get it though?  Oh!  Maybe I could walk around with like, a fake driver’s license or something with your mom’s name and picture on it.  Or a name tag or something.  It’d be great.  I’m just going off what I’m seeing here.  There’s an awful lot of cupcakes, and you and I didn’t have any plans to destroy a city anytime soon.  But true.  No one can quite take down Cupcakeopolis like you and I do.”

“I don’t know, I’ve told quite some people here about my mom’s occurrences. Percy, Rose, Sam, you. You got the acting down to a T, so I don’t think they’ll have a problem figuring out who you’re dressed up as. Why did you immediately think the worst? I could’ve been building a cupcake city for you as a surprise. And now the surprise is ruined. Besides, no one else here has the amazing and precise cupcake destroying technique we do, let’s be real.” 

[chris-moretz]

“Well, if you’re calling me Samuel, you know you’ve got to be Christopher. Maybe I like seeing your jealous side, knowing how badly people want me is one of my kinks. I mean, there’s a chance she knows, but who really knows anything? I guess you’ll have to find out on Christmas day, or eve, or boxing day, I don’t know if you’re going home to family or whatever.”

“I think I can handle it. It’s all gonna be worth it as long as I get to call you Samuel. I see, but that’s not fair at all. Your ego gets to grow and your kinks get to be fulfilled while I get a stomach ulcer and roll in jealousy. Are you kidding? It’s Annabeth we’re talking about, of course she knows. I don’t know how, but I’m gonna make her spill the beans. As much as I hate prolonging my agony, the mothership requires my presence. You’re more than welcome to join us if you want. I’m sure my mom would be more happy to see you than to see me.” 

[chris-moretz]

“Yeah, you don’t need to tell me when I already know. I think I’d be better with like, a talk variety show or something, where I host–rather than just stand up. I think I have a face for TV. Why do you think I’m so fit and athletic? I laugh at my own jokes, I will admit it. It’s not supposed to be an insult, more like a statement, unlike you, I don’t insult my friends.”

“How the hell am I supposed to know what you already know? If I were you, I’d definitely go for hosting instead of comedy. Your face is a good face to look at and you could be like Jimmy Fallon with less fake laughter. I thought I’d never admit this, but I actually listen to your jokes when I train and hope that makes me look like The Rock. Hey, I wasn’t insulting you. I was insulting your jokes, it’s different.”

[chris-moretz]

“It was meant to be scary.  You were looking like you were about to start squashing cupcakes with someone else, and that deserves scary Annabeth coming out.  Hey, I’m not the one breaking our bond of trust here, so I don’t know why you’d do something so terrible.  Maybe not tattooed.  Looks like it could be written in Sharpie though.”

“Believe me, it was. You even got mom’s frown line for a second. You should consider dressing up as my mom for Halloween, that’d be one scary costume. You know, the fact that you think I would actually destroy a cupcake city with someone else hurts my feelings. I might be a lot of things, but I’m not a traitor. Cupcake cities are our thing and besides, not everyone can go full Godzilla like we do.”