chriscanwell

[chriscanwell]

Did you ever get the sense that women don't really care about you? Live long enough and get enough experience and you'll sense this intuitively and feel it in your bones. Sure, our mothers care about us, but women literally do no care about men.

At first, it’s a depressing fact and hard reality to accept. It’s certainly a bitter pill to swallow and it is the red pill. It can lead to a lot of anger when you come to this realization but I think men are aware of this on a subconscious level. Even though we resist this thought. Even though we fight against this hard truth. We must come to accept the fact that women will never really love us the way we want to be loved.

When I first found out about women’s natures years ago, it stung. I sensed it with women but I never knew how to put my finger on it. I sensed with a lot of my own girlfriends that they didn’t really care about me. They cared about “the promise of a future I could give them” or “how comfortable I could make their life”— I was a projection of their fantasies and if I made them feel something, spiking their emotions, they appreciated me more.

Ironically enough, the nicer I was to women the less they appreciated me. I remember one girl almost ghosting me years ago after I bought her a practical gift (not too expensive) that I thought would make her life better… I also used to be really into painting as a hobby. And I remember when women looked at my paintings, they just didn’t give a f@#k and had zero interest in the work or why I created it because it served no purpose to them (unlike men who had genuine interest). 

Even more recently, and you can probably empathize with this, I noticed that women never ask how I’m doing, how I’m feeling, are you stressed with work, is everything okay? They just don’t give a shit. Unlike my male friends who are on the same level and understand the type of stress that men deal with on a daily basis.

So, the bottom line is: women just don’t love us the way we want to be loved. But they certainly love the way we make them feel. Then they get pregnant and give their true love to the kids. I should state that women can love, but it’s not the way we love. They love you through respect, admiration and honor.

The more respect they have for you, the more love they have for you. If she doesn’t respect you, she won’t love you, work to win you over, give you affection and respect, and be careful not to cross certain boundaries.

Understanding this should help you get into an alpha mindset as you come to realize that you don’t have to care with women. You don’t have to make an effort because they are simply not worth it. You don’t need to care if you upset her, you don’t need to care about trying to win her over, you don’t need to care about getting her attention.

Instead, you must make her care and make her invest in you instead. Reality is brutal, but it will change your life and make you feel better if you embrace it. If there is one key take away and positive aspect of this message it's this: as men, we don't need love; we need respect. The moment you stop caring, results come.

Seek respect and love will follow! How do you get respect? You raise your value in the eyes of the world.

[chriscanwell]

When it comes to light the spark of “real” attraction girls you must be bold and push for intimacy. If you want to spike attraction with a woman and turn her attraction switch on, you have to make an impact and you have to make a move.

The moment you make a move on a woman you signal your confidence and your desire. Women are turned on by this confidence and desire, and, even if they didn't like you before, they are much more likely to find you attractive now.

When you push for intimacy you must be aware that even if you kiss a woman and a woman will pulls away and rejects you, she is most likely doing this because she is in a state of shock. This is what you want. Because then, when she goes to bed, all she can think about is the kiss. 

Guess what? You have now just turned her attraction switch ON.

This is interesting because it enables you to take a woman from a position of very low interest (i.e., Not thinking about you at all) to a place where all she can think about is you. 

In other words, where once you weren't even on her radar, now you become a very real, sexual possibility. But, again, you have to have the confidence to make an impact with a woman and make a move. The further you go, in terms of intimacy with a woman, the greater the impact you make.

All the dreaming and hoping and wishing in the world isn't enough to spark attraction. If you want to spark real attraction with a woman, the best advice I can give you is this: make an impact and make a move on her. Ask her out, push for intimacy, go for the kiss, push for more.

Even if the impact is a shock, or a surprise, or at first a little unwelcome. Even if the woman rejects you when you make a move because it came out of nowhere, you don't need to worry about getting the immediate result. You must focus on the long game as you have now planted the seed for her desire to grow (she goes away, thinks about what happened, and is turned on by your boldness).

Now, many men chicken out and never make a move. They are too scared to approach a woman, and they are too scared to even kiss a girl or push for sex. As a result, these men end up living a life filled with regret. Do you want to be one of these men, just another statistic?

And, as I've often said before, regret is more painful than rejection. At least with rejection you know where you stand. You can have no regrets, and you can go to your grave knowing that you gave it your best shot. This applies to all areas of life not just relationships.

So, if you really want to turn the girl’s attraction switch on and get her attracted to you, make a move and push for intimacy.

Often, if a girl rejects you at first, she now has time to go away and think about you and reassess the situation in a calm way. She can go to bed at night and dream of that moment when you grabbed hold of her and kissed her out of nowhere. 

What a shock! What a surprise! Now she can't stop thinking about you and that moment…

Then, when you see her again, don't be surprised if she becomes much more flirtatious and amorous around you. Don't let her initial rejection stop you from making another move as well. You must continue to push for intimacy.

Before you make a move and when you’re interacting with a girl you want to attract, simply keep your interactions with her light and fun and relaxed, touch her flirtatiously like I mention in my book, and don't be afraid to push for intimacy.

However, it must be noted: this doesn't mean you can go around with a blank check to kiss any girl you want. If your sexual market value is low (you’re out of shape, you're overweight, you're broke, you're uneducated), you will have limited success with women.

You need to work on yourself first and get yourself to a place where you happy and confident in your own skin. Then, at this point, you can approach any woman you want and expect a high degree of success.

And, if she continues to put up resistance, be willing to walk away. At least if you push hard for intimacy and on the small chance it fails, you will vet her out and you won’t need to waste anymore time pursuing her unless she comes to you again. In that case, it means she wants you to keep trying.

[chriscanwell]

When you think about what actions and behaviors are most attractive to women, your actions and behaviors must be based upon the strongest form of action you can take as opposed to weak forms of action.

These strong actions, for men, are based on indifference (not jealousy and neediness), confidence (not insecurity), low effort (versus high effort) and mystery (versus open book and emotional). Think 007 here. What would he do in your situation?

Bond wouldn't chase a girl or spend time thinking about her or worrying about how to message a girl... no hero would do this because it would make him look pathetic.

Could you imagine Bond sitting at home checking his phone 20 times a minute to see if his girlfriend sent him a message?

Do you want to look and behave in a way that is pathetic? Of course you don't because this will make you look weak and unattractive. If you imagine that you are the star of your own movie and watch your behavior from a third-person perspective, do you act and behave like a man or a pussy?

If you feel weak and powerless and needy around women, you need to change your mindset to one of indifference.

When you think about will she come back? Your mindset must be: who cares. Does she miss you? Who cares. Will you see her again? Who cares. If you can develop this mindset you will become a lot more attractive to all women. You will all have less stress, less anxiety, and more power in your life and relationships as well.

[chriscanwell]

A lot of guys reach out to me because they’re used to dating women who are overly communicative, who moving things along fast, and are very responsive. Then, all of a sudden, they meet a girl who is more distant, less communicative, less responsive and it feels as though things aren’t progressing.

It’s frustrating as hell from the guy’s point of view because it feels as though the woman doesn’t really like him or is playing games (keeping other guys in the background).

The reality is: there are millions of “cool” women like this and they do take a lot longer to warm up than other women. Not every women reacts and behaves the same way.

The key with women in this situation is to follow their actions. Forget about the phone/text. Some women can’t stand talking on the phone and if they don’t have social media or a strong social media presence this is a good indicator of that.

Either way you must focus on her behavior towards you when you see her, and don’t let her communication behavior while she is away from you get under your skin.

I know it’s really hard to stay positive and hopeful when you have so much tension and uncertainty and she is being so cold and distant over text, but it’s key not to let her behavior rattle you.

If you can stay strong and appear unaffected, she will be won over by you and she will start to draw closer to you as more time progresses.

And remember, just because a girl is cold and unresponsive over the phone, it doesn't mean she doesn't like you. In my experience, a cold woman is in either one of three states:

1) She's Old School

This means she doesn't place much value on communicating over the phone. It has little meaning to her. She prefers to communicate the good old-fashioned way: in person.

The only thing that matters to this type of woman is touch and face-to-face communication. Everything else (like the phone and social media) is superficial.

2) She's Testing You

There are many different ways a woman can test a man. One of the most powerful ways is to feign emotional withdrawal and a sudden lack of interest in the man. 

The purpose of this test, as with all tests, is to determine whether or not the man will become unsettled and affected by her behavior. If you become rattled by the her emotional withdrawal and go into panic mode, her fake emotional withdrawal will turn into real emotional withdrawal. 

She will then begin to test you even more, becoming increasingly bitchy and disrespectful along the way. 

When a woman appears to lose interest or withdraw emotionally, it is crucial that you see her behavior for what it is: a test, and, an opportunity to prove your strength and emotional stability so that she comes back to you even more attracted. 

The moment you sense that she has begun to pull away (either by appearing disinterested or refusing to answer your messages or return your phone calls) you should assume that you are being tested and remain in control of yourself and your emotions. You should avoid any display of fear or panic, and you must never act out of neediness or a need for reassurance and comfort. 

3) She's Obsessed With You

Something I never see mentioned anywhere is this little-known but all-too-common situation: a girl is obsessed with you and falling for you hard, so she acts cold and distant. She is aware of her strong feelings for you, so what does she do... she reigns it in and plays cool. She doesn't want to appear desperate or come on too strong.

If you ask most people why a girl is being cold, distant, unresponsive over the phone, 99% of people will tell you that she has lost interest in you, is going to break up with you, or is seeing someone else behind your back...

Nothing could be further from the truth.

When a woman has a secret obsession and is overwhelmed by the intensity of her feelings for you, she will often play it cool so she doesn't scare you off. Women don't want to look desperate and they will often do whatever they can to avoid turning you off. They intuitively know that if they come on too strong, there's a good chance they will scare you away.

If a girl is hot and heavy and really into you in person, then cold and distant when she is away from you, there's a good chance she is trying to conceal the intensity of her feelings for you.

Mirror Her Emotional Output

Keep in mind, if at any time a woman feels as though you are too relationship focused or she is in the “power” position in the relationship, even if it’s just by a little bit, she won’t be in a rush to see you.

This is going to take all of your self control to overcome this problem. But you need to be willing to go weekends without seeing a girl, you need to be able to distance yourself from her for days and delay your responses to her (just as she does to you).

You need to mirror her emotions and responsiveness. A lot of guys consider this behavior to be fake and manipulative. It is not. You must match her emotional state otherwise you will both be vibrating on different frequencies.

This is important because you need to get your power back and get into the power up position. Second, you need to create a sense of mystery and excitement within her.

If you can do this, she will warm up to you. It takes about 3 months for women to fall in love (if you’re doing everything right). If you’re not doing everything right, it can take a bit longer. But until she has those "lovey dovey" feelings, she won’t be blowing up your phone and being hyper-responsive. And depending on the type of girl she is, sometimes that will never happen.

Some women are just not phone people. As always, you must focus on a woman's actions as opposed to her words/messages. If she is meeting you, being affectionate to you, kissing you, spending time with you––that's all you need to know.

[chriscanwell]

If your girlfriend has suddenly pulled away from you, this article will show you the best way to handle this situation so you can get her back and reattract her.

First, let’s take a look at an email from a reader who is going through this exact same problem. My response can be seen below in bold.

Note: all names and personal information have been changed for privacy reasons.

Hi Chris, so everything seemed to be going great with my girlfriend until recently and we planned on hanging out on Saturday and I was going to take her to a nice restaurant in town. We had had sex numerous times in the six weeks that we have known each other, and she appeared to be really into me. This is where I cant understand what went wrong and I'm in a total state of shock. Last night she texts me: “Hey I've been thinking about this weekend and it kind of made me feel weird, maybe we would be better off as friends." 

Ahhh, here it comes. It's inevitable. Your new girlfriend has finally been hit with the feeling that the relationship is moving too fast and this is why she is pulling away from you.

My exact response "wow where did that come from? " "Whatever, good luck it was nice getting to know you". And a few minutes later I replied. "Now that I think about it, you’rer right, I agree 100% but I'm not interested in friendship, let me know if you change your mind." "Take care". that was the exact last texts on both of our parts to this day. 

The response you sent isn't too damaging. And it's still easy to turn this around. You simply have to remain no contact now until she gets in touch with you, and she will.

I'm just completely baffled about everything where did I screw up? was it the nice restaurant we were planning on going to (even though we had been out for pub food previously) was it suggesting we meet up with my mom and her friends, how did someone that was so interested just walk off like that? was my response ok? and what should I do next, I know go to no contact but I'm just baffled about everything. It totally sucks there was such a physical and emotional connection I know she felt it too. I know she is bogged down with work and school 

When a woman is feeling stress in her life, whether that stress comes from her work, financial situation, or personal life, she will naturally withdraw and become difficult to deal with. If you try to make yourself too available during this time and try to see her when she is feeling stress, then you will only be adding to her stress even more. When you do this, she will pull away from you and become distant until her stress is gone. The best way to relieve her stress from your point of view is to make yourself absent until she is ready to reach out to you. Don’t feel like you have to fix her problems or her stress here, you don’t. She will come to you when she’s ready (and the stress has gone).

but she has told me that she appreciates how understanding I have been. Thanks so much I really appreciate it. 

This situation is all too common. It's very common for men and women to get together fast in a rush of excitement. The new relationship is full of promise. You enjoy each other's company, you enjoy spending time together, and you have great intimacy.

So, it's even more of a shock when the woman suddenly pulls away out of nowhere. But it actually happens all the time. Why does it happen?

It happens because the relationship is happening too fast. She doesn't know who you are yet. Even though you have shared great intimacy, she doesn't know what kind of man you are.

In order to find out, she has to test you. There is no way around this. If she's going to move forward with you into greater levels of intimacy and commitment, your girlfriend needs to find out what kind of person she is going to be involved with.

If she picks the wrong person, it can be dangerous for her.

Are you the kind of man who gets upset, anxious, needy, clingy, desperate and turns into a stalker? Or are you the kind of man who is confident enough to let her go and give her freedom when she asks for it?

If you fall into the first category, you fail the test and this becomes a real breakup. If you fall into the second category, you pass the test and she comes back to you with greater levels of attraction, wanting greater commitment.

It is, however, only a matter of time before she pulls away and tests you. That has just happened. There is a chapter in my book Atomic Attraction where I talk about never rushing the seduction process. Fast love really is cheap love.

If you give your love away too easily, make yourself too available, it won't take long for a woman to question your value. You can easily circumvent all of these problems, by allowing her to go and not contacting her until she reaches out to you.

All relationships that start fast tend to burn out fast unless you make a conscious effort to maintain attraction.

It's always a red flag when a woman tries to rush commitment and rush closeness. Most men, however, don't see this as a red flag. They think it's great because the girl is really into them, and she is, but it won't last long without proper control and maintenance.

Whenever you feel as though things are moving too fast, you must slam the brakes on and start to introduce space to maintain challenge, distance and mystery.

You need to make her work for your attention so she can truly appreciate you. Otherwise, she will end up taking your presence for granted.

In most situations, men panic and freak out when a girl suddenly pulls away after being so close. She isn't as crazy as you would believe though. She is simply following her emotions and her biological need to test you.

Don't worry. She will reach out to you and she will be in touch. You must simply keep it relaxed and easy-going. Your attitude should be unaffected by her behavior. As in: hey, it's great to hear from you, let's catch up when you're free, then stay no contact until you hear back from her.

[chriscanwell]

If your girlfriend is acting crazy and bipolar in her behavior, what should you do and how do you fix her behavior before it spirals out of control?

First, let’s take a look at an email from a reader who is going through this exact same problem. My response can be seen below in bold.

Note: all names and personal information have been changed for privacy reasons.

Hey Chris, my girlfriend was recently diagnosed with bipolar and has really been starting to act crazy these days.

Yes, this is something to worry about. It's always scary when we hear that a girl is not quite there and mentally 100% because we may end up on the receiving end of her damaged personality. It's a classic case of: you pick up a snake and expect it to turn into a kitten, it will never happen and the snake will always bite you. Beware!

I felt she was being kinda obnoxious in public and it turned me off...she even told me a few days before that she wanted to have sex with other guys... don't u think it's inappropriate in a relationship? The way she said it made me feel like she was testing me though.

You are not being insecure, she is being obnoxious and crass to suggest such a thing in a relationship. Why would you endorse her sexual desires when you are in a relationship together. It sounds like she should be doing that sort of thing if she is single and not in a relationship.

The night before I told her I'd control my anger to work it out and she felt I broke her trust and hurt her... during the drive home she hit me, spat on me, verbally abused me, and started acting crazy. I guess she really is bipolar so I don't know what to do...

You are angry for good reason. I've seen the most mild-mannered men in the world fly into rages because the woman they are with stimulate so much anger in them (by acting in an obnoxious and annoying way, the woman constantly pokes the man and drives him crazy).

Why does a nice, sweet man end up “mysteriously” killing his wife after 20 years of marriage? Because he married a witch and she gave him 20 years of abuse. I think it’s important to be aware of this. Even the most kind, rational people can be pushed to their limits and do things they regret. If you get a chance to walk away, do so before you go crazy along with her.

I even pathetically apologized for my anger but demanded one from her and she won't... She keeps blowing up my phone while I'm at work and won't leave me alone...I end up ignoring her drama 

Honestly, I think this girl is a total liability. She acts crazy, and isn't going anywhere... She's also going to get older and more frustrated and angry with time. Where is this going? Is she going to change and improve? I don't think so. I simply think she is just going to continue to drag you down into her mess. She is going to sap a lot of your energy and take a huge emotional toll on you and weigh you down too.

There's already some guy trying to go out with her ...she says she may need to ask him for rides to work. She hasn't hung out with him but I feel she's just saying this to make me jealous...

She is definitely going to use this other guy as a weapon against you to make you feel jealous. That's just her personality and it's not going to change anytime soon.

Since I can't go no contact because we live together how do I behave around her in this situation and what's the best course of action to take altogether until she leaves? Should I leave for a few days? 

This relationship has me questioning my sanity, confused and thinking I got problems from being with her... she is crazy and she is making me crazy too.

Don't you want to have an easy life, with low stress, and a nurturing, loving, affectionate woman who respects you?

This woman doesn't tick any boxes. She is just going to continue to create drama and fuck with your head. I understand there is no easy solution because you are attached to her already, however, you do want to start thinking about where this is headed...

Crazy and Bipolar

It's impossible to stay no contact when you live together. If you can move out and live with family or friends for a couple of days that might help cool things down.

I get the sense that you can't trust this girl at all and I think you would be right in this assessment. 

If you engage her, then the conflict will only escalate and get worse. You would be pouring fuel onto the fire.

I would recommend disengaging from her when she is acting crazy. Show her that you are not impressed and you don't give a damn about her obnoxious attitude.

This is the only way she might come to learn that you deserve more respect. Be willing to walk away as well. If you don't like the way she is behaving, walk away.

Don't allow her to treat you in a disrespectful way. Some women, however, cannot help themselves. They are unable to control their emotions and they will not only destroy themselves but they will destroy you in the process.

She is the maker of her own misery. On the other hand, some women are rational and clear headed. They think things through, are reasonable, and able to control themselves emotionally.

Walk If Necessary

If your girlfriend is unable to control her emotions, you are going to be in for a rocky road ahead. It's not going to get any easier, in fact, it's only going to get worse.

For now, try to distance yourself and walk away at the first sign of disrespect. You must be willing to do this to recalibrate her emotions.

Remember, women respond to how they're feeling in the moment and the biggest factor in determining her behavior is your behavior/attitude.

She won't respond to your words or logic and reason. She will only respond to your behavior, and your behavior must be solid and masculine. You must be willing to cut her off walk way if you feel disrespected.

It's only at this point that she is going to respect you and appreciate you. Whether or not she can control her crazy, erratic emotions is another question entirely.

[chriscanwell]

If the girl you’re dating wants you to text her more, what should you do and how do you best handle this situation to maintain attraction?

First, let’s take a look at an email from a reader who is going through this exact same problem. My response can be seen below in bold.

Note: all names and personal information have been changed for privacy reasons.

Subject: My girlfriend always wants me to text her

Hi Chris, I have a problem with my texting game. My girlfriend has complained to me 4 times now about not text her back soon enough or just texting her to let her know where I am or what I am doing. To be honest by applying the no contact rule I got her to fall in love with me and yes she tells me she loves me and she cant imagine her life without me. 

You said it yourself, when you applied the no contact rule you got her to fall in love with you. This tells me that she is just like every other woman. There are no exceptions. She might think she wants you to text her more, but the more you text her, the more she will lose attraction for you. This is a trap I have seen many men fall into.

Even last week she gave me attitude for not responding to her text, after only 2 hours, and letting her know what I was doing even thou I was at work. 

She has an expectation that needs to be broken and recalibrated. For your sake and for hers. Yes, if she is dated low value, beta men in the past, then there is no doubt that they would have been over-texting and being way too responsive simply because beta men have lots of time (because women are their life purpose). 

However, these men are in her past, so I guess whatever they were doing didn't work out too well for them. You are the one she is with and the one she is attracted to, don't forget that.

When we are together everything is so much fun and great but I have a lot of trouble in the texting area. Should I initate contact by saying good morning? 

No, this would be a mistake!

She’s from Colombia and tells me the men there always text and are much nicer through chat. I'm very confused with what she wants. Please help.

It’s one of those situations (which I’ve seen many times before), where a man listens to what the woman says and gives her what she says she wants by texting more—then she punishes him for it. 

She’s seeing if she can get you to change and you should see her behavior as a test. You have to remember, women don’t know what’s best for themselves and what they will respond to. 

She might think she wants you to text more, but the moment you do, she pulls away from you. That’s because her attraction triggers will turn off as soon as you start to become more responsive and available. 

Don’t listen to her words, follow her actions instead. Is she attracted to you? Yes she is. If you start being too responsive and texting her like she asks you to, you are giving her what she wants not what she needs. This is a huge mistake.

She might not like it, and she might put up resistance if you continue to allow her to initiate most of the texting. But it has to be this way for attraction to be maintained. You need the elements of space, mystery, challenge, and anxiety to maintain attraction in a relationship over a long period of time.

Whenever she says that she wants you to text her, tell her that you are a busy man and she can get in touch whenever she wants to and you will get back to her whenever you are available.

Texting Kills Attraction

As a man, you must put your focus onto your work and your mission in life. Ambition is what attracts women, not someone who is relationship focused.

Allow your girlfriend to be relationship focused and worry about the texting. The good news is: if she's worried about this it means she's feeling slightly anxious and she's thinking about you. 

They have done studies and found that women find men more attractive when they are uncertain about the man's feelings.

They have also done other important studies in countries (including the US, Canada, UK, Germany, Israel and China) and they found that responsive men––being men who text too much, initiate text messages, talk on the phone too much––are less attractive men in all of these countries without exception.

All women, regardless of culture, ethnicity and background, find responsive men less attractive.

Responsive Men Are Less Attractive

Remember, highly responsive men believe that the more they talk to a woman on the phone or via text messages, the more they will get the woman to commit to them and fall in love with them––this is an illusion and built on nothing more than the illusion of action.

These same responsive men believe that their constant communication will make the woman feel more secure and likely to stay in the relationship with them.

In reality, all these men end up doing is creating the perception that they are desperate and needy and will give into the woman's demands.

Then, slowly, over time, the woman loses attraction. The same thing will happen to you if you give in to her demands to text her more.

Even if she says, “All I'm asking for is a good morning message, is that too difficult?"

You must respond with: "I'm not going to send you a message because you have an expectation or because you asked me to send you a message. I'll send you a message when I feel like it. End of story."

This might sound harsh, but it's for your own good. I would hate to see you end up like so many other men who fail to heed this advice.

Men who listen to their girlfriends and start sending those good morning/good night text messages––only to see their girlfriends lose attraction for them and pull away.

She Will Test You

A won't break up with you if you reduce the amount of texting/calling you do, she is only testing you.

It's a change to her because it's new behavior. You went from being very responsive to being less responsive, this is going to have an impact and it's going to take a couple days to get used to the new situation for her.

She is, however, going to test you to make sure that this new change is real and you're not just playing games.

Your girlfriend no doubt has ex boyfriends who made this same mistake. They blew up her phone, they chased her, they sent a lot of messages, then she lost interest in them.

There is no rush to reach out to your girlfriend and respond. She is definitely testing you. She is trying to see if she can change your behavior and if she can emotionally unsettle you.

Although there is no need to be a cold fish here. I would simply tell her something like: 

"We have a great time when we're together, that's all that matters to me, our face-to-face time and the time I spend with you when I'm with you is more important than texting and calling. Just because I'm busy and we don't always talk over the phone, it doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you and you can reach out to me anytime you like."

That's it, there is no need for any other explanation. She won't go anywhere if you hold strong.

Once your girlfriend gets used to the new situation, she will accept it, she might kick up a stink occasionally, but her attraction for you will remain high when she sees you.

She Needs to Miss You

I get that in certain cultures (like South America) guys are really emotional and expressive, but it still turns off to women. You can't maintain attraction without bringing space, mystery, and challenging into the relationship.

If you felt that you were doing too much texting before and being too responsive and she pulled away, then you definitely want to slow down on the text messages.

More important than you texting her is allowing her to text you and chase you. If a woman is going to respect you and have high attraction for you, she must chase you.

Although you can't be completely withdrawn and distant all the time because it will create too much anxiety and she will shut down and start to feel that you do not care about her. 

In the same way, you cannot be too nice and available all the time otherwise she will get bored and tired of being around you. So you need to keep the balance, that's why it's much easier to mirror her emotions. 

However, it's always better to lean towards being more absent and distant in the relationship as opposed to being too nice and available. 

You must give her affection and intimacy and fun times, but you need to balance this out when you're away from with distance, space and time to think about you and miss you. 

[chriscanwell]

If you have a religious girlfriend who won't have sex (or is using her religion as an excuse to put up resistance), this article will show you the best way to handle this situation.

But first, let’s take a look at an email from a reader who is going through this exact same problem. My response can be seen below in bold.

Note: all names and personal information have been changed for privacy reasons.

Hi Chris, my finacee has become increasingly more religious about not having sex before marriage. We have had an incredible sex life for well over a year but with some guilt on her end. She now wants to abstain from sex until we get married. 

It's a little late for her to introduce this problem. She's having sex with you, then, all of a sudden she decides to introduce this new problem into the relationship––it smells to me like a test to me.

I cut her off because this was unacceptable to me. She finally contacted me and said I was mean by not contacting her. I told her that she could have contacted me and never got back with me about her schedule. She blamed it all on me and said she was hurt. I once again apologized. She suggested we meet up to talk. 

You are right, of course. She could have contacted you at any time. She was simply testing you, and you passed the test because you didn't chase her and stayed no contact.

She once again was supposed to get back with me on her availability for this meet up but failed to. I had to initiate contacting her to meet up. We got together and she initiated affection the whole time. We argued about the sex before marriage issue. She said she was very depressed with life and really missed being able to see me. We continued to go in circles by being affectionate with each other yet not bending on the main issue. We are now going on four days with no contact once again. I do not want to initiate contact. I feel she is trying to get me to chase her. Should I dump her? She wants to get married before she has sex again.

In that case, her behavior is cause for concern. Do you really want to marry such a person? Someone who suddenly, out of nowhere, decides to cut off sex for no rational reason, and so close to the wedding?

Religious Girlfriend Problems

Do you want to marry someone who can change their mind like this? What happens if you get married to your girlfriend, and she finds another reason to cut off sex, or introduce another problem into the relationship?

You are right to be concerned, her behavior is a red flag. I would also take the position that you are not going to marry such person because you can't trust what she will do after you are married.

Your religious girlfriend will hold you to something else in the future if you agree to this. She will continue to test you, the sex will become less frequent, and she will use sex as a weapon against you: frequently cutting off sex as a way to punish you or to get what she wants.

You will need to get this issue sorted out before you even think about putting a ring on her finger.

Even if that means walking away from her and being willing to cut her off, you must do this. I would honestly stay no contact with her, and have the mindset that you will leave her if she doesn't soften and have sex with you (as she did without any problem before).

Real Religious or Fake Religious?

Also, her increasing––if it's genuine––interest in religion is cause for concern. One of my friends married a girl who was spiritual and always spoke about religion before he married her, but she wasn't that serious about it.

It was only after he married her that she decided that she would focus on religion more and ultimately she became a born-again Christian.

You can imagine that they didn't last long, and he was desperate to get out of the relationship. It’s okay to marry a religious girl if she has always been like that and you share the same common values—if not, be very careful––religion can be a deal breaker.

I would say in this situation, be willing to walk away unless she gives you what you want. It's easy to do that now before the wedding.

There is a good chance that your religious girlfriend is just testing you. However, if she is not then her behavior is a red flag indeed and must be addressed before you progress the relationship. 

Your response to her behavior must be the same regardless of whether it is a test or not. Don't give in to her demands and don't contact her until she contacts you. Be willing to walk away unless she gives you what you want.

If you do this, she will most likely comply and demure to give you what you want in order to keep the relationship alive. If she truly loves you, she won’t continue like this for long. You will discover her real motives once you cut her off and walk away.

[chriscanwell]

If your girlfriend wants a break, what should you do? Convince her to stay in the relationship? Fight for her? Promise to change? Beg and plead? All of these mistakes.

7 Reasons Why your girlfriend wants a break

She needs space

She feels suffocated

She's angry or upset with you

She's irritated by you

She's feeling stressed out

She's lost attraction for you

She's testing you

The moment your girlfriend asks for a break, you must think to yourself: what is she really asking for? She's asking for space.

However, most men don't see it this way. The moment your girlfriend asks for a break, most men fall into a blind panic.

They assume that a break means "break up." At this point, the man tries to convince his girlfriend why she doesn't need a break. He knows better. He just needs to convince her how much he cares about her.

She doesn't need a break, she just needs to see how much he loves her and cares about her.

With this in mind, the man attempts to beg, plead, cajole, persuade, and manipulate the woman into staying with him.

This is a classic mistake, but a mistake that is made all too frequently. Before you discover the best way to handle this tricky situation, it's important to focus on why your girlfriend needs a break.

She Needs Space

Your girlfriend needs space. This is one of the most common reasons why a girl asks for a break. The need for space is a human need that must be respected.

The moment you fail to acknowledge this need for space, is the moment attraction starts to break down and deteriorate.

All too often we make the mistake of assuming that we can draw closer to a girl and make her more attracted to us by spending more time with her.

When, in fact, the opposite is true. Attraction grows in space, not close proximity. Bring space into the relationship, and you make a girl miss you, think about you, and desire you.

Failed to give space, and the girl grows tired of you. You become predictable, boring, stale, and tedious. You kill the important elements of attraction––mystery and challenge.

You become a known quantity, and therefore your value is diminished.

Human beings in relationships are in a constant battle between commitment and freedom. To have commitment you must also introduce freedom into your relationships for attraction to thrive and flourish.

If you fail to give a girl space, she will want to break at some point in time-that much is guaranteed.

She Feels Suffocated

If a girl feels suffocated, she will want space and ask for a break. But why would your girlfriend feel suffocated?

Again, this comes down to space. If you have spent too much time talking, texting, and hanging out with your girlfriend, she will need time away from you to recharge.

If you fail to introduce distance and space into your relationships, not only will you kill attraction, but you will find yourself in a situation where your girlfriend continually pulls away from you and requires space

you will be viewed as needy, clingy and irritating. All of these reasons are more than enough for a girl to ask for a break; and she's right, she should have a break and time away from you. 

A man should never be focused on women and relationships. A man should be focused on creation, purpose, drive, and building things. If you fail to do this, you will come across as feminine, for only feminine people are relationship focused.

Women are attracted to masculine energy, masculine energy is all about mission and purpose.

She's Angry or Upset With You

If your girlfriend is angry with you, she will need some time away from you to recover.

It doesn't matter why she's angry, the result is the same. If you had an argument, upset her, cheated on her, then she will need time and space to regroup and recover her emotions.

You want to encourage her to take a break from you in this situation, because it gives her time to calm down, settle her emotions, and come back to you.

If you refuse to give her space in this situation, you will only add fuel to the fire and cause her more stress.

She's Irritated by You

This is the gentler version of "she's angry or upset" with you. If your girlfriend is irritated by you, this means your personality is turning her off.

Perhaps you're always hanging around her, wanting to see her. She finds you too needy, too clingy, and too available.

In other words, you are the consummate nice guy. Sounds good on paper, but it's not good for attraction. If you are too nice, and too relationship focused, you will start to irritate your girlfriend and turn her off.

Both irritation and anger lead to your girlfriend feeling stressed out by you. When your girlfriend feels stressed out, the end result is always the same: she will pull away from you and start to make herself more distant.

She's Feeling Stressed Out

If your girlfriend is feeling stressed out by you, she will want a break. Stress comes from all areas of life. 

When a woman is feeling stress in her life, whether that stress comes from her work, financial situation, or personal life, she will naturally withdraw and become difficult to deal with. 

If you try to make yourself too available during this time and try to see her when she is feeling stress, then you will only be adding to her stress even more. 

When you do this, she will pull away from you and become distant until her stress is gone. 

The best way to relieve her stress from your point of view is to make yourself absent until she is ready to reach out to you. 

Don’t feel like you have to fix her problems or her stress here, you don’t. She will come to you when she’s ready (and the stress has gone).

She's Lost Attraction For You

It goes without saying, if a girl has lost attraction for you, her interest in seeing you will be reduced. Women lose attraction for various reasons.

The most common reasons why your girlfriend has lost attraction for you include: you are too responsive, you are too needy, you are too relationship focused, you're too available, and you're too nice (offering little in the way of challenge and mystery).

I've said it before, and it's worth repeating again, attraction is more about avoiding mistakes than doing everything right.

Yes, there are many ways to appear attractive to women. But more important than this is avoiding things that kill attraction. 

If you sense that your girlfriend has started to pull away from you and she's asking for a break, it could mean that she's lost attraction for you. This will be especially true if you notice that she no longer wants intimacy with you, and rarely reaches out to see you.

In this case, it's important to start rebuilding attraction. How do you do this? We start by introducing space. You want your girlfriend to feel some tension and you need to spike her interest again.

She's Testing You

Many women ask for a break as a form of test. It's worth going over why this happens. Women test men to see if they are worthy of investment.

The weak, needy, insecure, feminine man is unworthy of investment from a woman.

On the other hand, the strong, confident, masculine man is a man women want to invest in. There is, however, no easy way for a woman to know a man's true strength and confidence unless she tests him.

A simple, easy way for a woman to test a man is to pull away from him. She asks for a break and the week, insecure man starts to panic.

He begs and pleads for another chance. He shows that he is relationship focused, and, therefore, unworthy of the girls further invest

The confident man passes woman's tests because he doesn't panic. He simply shrugs his shoulders and tells the woman that she can do whatever she wants.

If she wants to leave, she can leave. Just as you would imagine someone like Sean Connery's reponding to a woman telling him that she wants a break.

She Wants A Break, Now What?

If your girlfriend asks for break you must do what is counterintuitive. You must encourage her to take a break and have space.

Don't attempt to fight it or try to convince her that she is wrong. This would be a big mistake.

In all my consultations with men, the biggest mistakes come from those men who refuse to believe that their girlfriends needs space. They refuse to allow it.

In turn, this raises a woman stress levels and makes her pull away from the man even more.

In 99% of cases, when a girl asks for a break, she isn't asking to break up. She simply needs space. Don't make the mistake of thinking that just because she says she wants a break, the relationship is over.

This isn't true. A break simply means that you must give a woman space. If you refuse to give a woman space, you will turn a woman's need for space into a real breakup.

In fact, this is why most breakups happen. The woman doesn't want to break up with the man. She simply wants some time to herself. The man, however, through his behavior, turns the need for space into an actual breakup by his refusal to allow the temporary break to happen.

You mustn't make the same mistake. If your girlfriend wants a break, embrace it and give it to her. Understand that attraction grows in space, and the more space you give her, the more she will miss you and feel attracted to you.

[chriscanwell]

If a girl ghosts you (and suddenly disappears), then this article will show you the best way to handle this situation and capture her interest.

Ghosting behavior is becoming more and more common in the modern world, especially since the introduction of social media and messaging apps.

10 Reasons Women Ghost Men

You chased too hard

You were too available

You were too responsive

You blew up her phone

You were too nice and kind

You didn't make a move

You didn't ask her out

You came on too strong

You turned her off by being needy

You failed her tests

As you can see, you need to strike a delicate balance with a girl if you want to maintain interest and attraction.

Before we get into this, let’s take a look at an email from a reader who is going through this exact same problem. My response can be seen below in bold.

Note: all names and personal information have been changed for privacy reasons.

Hi Chris.

I've been casually dating a girl for about 10 weeks. I've been on 6 dates going out every other week. We went out again on second date and held hands, then finally kissed on second date. I did feel she was a bit structured, but we enjoyed our time together. She would pay for drinks if I paid for meal and she appeared very considerate. I proposed going out again on our last date and that may have been a mistake as I wasn't as mysterious.

You can experience resistance if you ask a girl out on another date when you're currently on a date with her. In other words, if you tried to set the date too soon, it can look desperate, and it can lead to her testing you.

After the date, she usually texts me something but I noticed she did not do it this time so I asked her how her weekend was and we exchanged a little. Then a few days later, I texted her asking what she was planning to do in NYC as I lived there in past and I could give her suggestions on tips. She never replied. 

She might have felt that you were chasing her too hard at this point. You only need to give tips and suggestions to a woman when she asks for them. She knows that you used to live in NYC, if she wanted help she would have asked for it. 

The most likely reason for her pulling away is the sense that you were chasing a little bit too hard here by reaching out to her first. Women can be very sensitive about this, especially before you have become intimate. It doesn't take much these days to turn a woman off and kill attraction. 

The brutal truth is: some women are very sensitive and unforgiving when it comes to minor mistakes. That's not to say that you can't correct the situation, but you do need to implement a solid strategy here.

It's been almost a week now since my text and I almost given up on her. I've been watching your videos and I think I should not reach out to her unless she does. I was very surprised at her ghosting behavior as she was very responsive prior to that. 

Please help,

Bryan

Most people kill attraction over the phone. This is why it can be so confusing because when you meet a girl face-to-face everything feels great. Most people don't have a problem face-to-face, problems usually only arise when there is distance and texting involved. 

Having said that, a week is nothing to worry about. It's not unusual for women to pull away for 2 to 3 weeks, sometimes more. If she felt as though you were chasing her too hard, then she is going to test you by pulling away and seeing how you react.

You have to give it at least 2 to 3 weeks before you know how this is going to play out.

I would stay no contact on this girl until she reaches out to you, even if it takes a week, a month, or six months. Stay no contact. Let her realize that you're willing to walk away on her, and I guarantee she will come running back to you.

How To Prevent Ghosting

If a girl ghosts you or suddenly disappears there are a couple of reasons why this might happen.

The first, and most common reason, is that you chased her too hard. She felt as though you were the one chasing the relationship and she also felt that you liked her more than she liked you.

If a girl feels as though you like her too much, she will pull away from you. A lot of men fall into the trap where they feel as though everything is going great.

Face-to-face and they are making real progress with a girl, this leads them to over-text and chase a girl because they think it's in the bag.

You have to be very careful in this situation.

Just because you feel a girl has high attraction for you, you must still stick to the rules of seduction. Anytime you break these rules, you will suffer the consequences.

If a girl suddenly ghosts you, it's usually a good indicator that you've been coming on too strong, chasing too much, initiating most text messages, and being too responsive.

A woman wants to feel a sense of mystery and challenge. She wants to wonder about you and she wants to think about you. If she doesn't have a chance to think about you, she will start to lose interest and pull away.

There is the misconception that you must maintain attraction by texting a girl when, in fact, the opposite is true. You build and maintain attraction by creating space, tension, anxiety and uncertainty.

Women are sensitive these days. They are used to guys blowing up their phone, being chased, and stalker-ish behavior.

You must show a woman that you aren't needy or relationship focused. This allows her to chase you and feel comfortable around you.

If a woman is dating you, but she hasn't committed to you yet, then she is probably going on dates with other guys as well.

During this time, she is weighing up which man is the most worthy of her time and attention.

Change Your Behavior

Now, 99% of men make all the same mistakes. They chase too hard, they are too responsive, and they panic when a girl pulls away.

If you can separate yourself from the other 99% of men by allowing a girl to reach out to you and chase you, then you will never lose her and you will always get the girl back, even if she ghosts you temporarily.

Women frequently ghost men as a test (using the phone is an easy way to test men). The test is to gauge your reaction when she suddenly disappears. If you panic or gets upset, you fail the test.

Your approach should be one of indifference.

In the world of attraction, the opposite of being a nice guy isn't being mean, it's indifference.

You must be indifferent to what a woman's behavior. This means if she wants to see you, you're indifferent; if she doesn't want to see you, you're indifferent. This is how all high-value men behave.

You will notice that even in movies and popular culture, the cool alpha male isn't aggressive or mean, he's laid-back and indifferent and unfazed by anything that goes on around him.

In extreme cases, when a girl ghosts a guy forever, it's usually because the man has made serious mistakes. If that's the case, you already know you have made serious, long-lasting mistakes.

If you've acted like a stalker, or blew her phone up like crazy, or acted weak and needy, then you might have already done too much damage.

In that case, take your lessons on the nose, learn from your mistakes, and don't make the same mistake going forward. Start fresh and focus on self-improvement.

Any man who is truly successful with women has made mistakes. Lots of mistakes.

They have racked up missed opportunities, lost girls, been ghosted-- but they learn from their mistakes and developed massive success with women due to their ability to improve their behavior and eliminate mistakes.

When She Ghosts You

What is the best way to deal with a woman when she ghosts you?

You must cut contact and never reach out to her again unless she reaches out to you. Chasing women is weak behavior. It's unattractive.

You will feel terrible if you chase a girl because you most likely won't get her back, and she will also lose respect for you.

Even if she never contacts you again, she will respect you that much more if you're willing to walk away. And in most cases, a woman will reach out to you if she realizes that you aren't going to chase her.

The rules of seduction never change. We are living in an interesting time of great technological change right now, and this change has exposed a lot of mens' weaknesses and insecurities.

It is now, easier than ever, for women to test a man and lose attraction for a man based solely on his behavior when they are not together.

It is also, easier than ever, for a man to stand out and separate himself from other men by not making all the same mistakes that 99% of guys make.

If she ghosts you, you ghost her back off and mirror her; after all, only a ghost can see another ghost.

[chriscanwell]

What do girls really want? What turns them on, what makes them attracted to a man, and what are they really looking for?

8 Dark Truths that Girls Want

Girls Want Masculine men

Girls Don't Want Nice Guys

Girls Want Challenge

Girls Want Mystery

Girls Want Love

Girls Want to Tame the Bad Boy

Girls Want to Chase Men

Girls Want High Value Men

Women seem so mysterious. Their emotions make them unpredictable. They are, in so many ways, like cats: uncontrollable. They choose who they like and it seems that you (the man) have no choice in the matter. 

So what do girls want? This article explores this question in depth. It pulls back the curtain to reveal the cold, hard truth about women and their desires.

This article is not for the faint of heart. It is not politically correct. But it is the truth. And if you embrace the truth, it will set you free and set you on the path to getting what you want: more love, affection, and intimacy.

1. Girls Want Masculine Men

Men are masculine and women are feminine. It doesn't matter what society or culture says, women respond to their biology. A girl wants what her biology wants: masculine man, not feminine men.

So, what is a masculine man?

A masculine man exhibits masculine energy. Masculine energy is all about freedom, independence, building things, creating things, and focusing on your mission and your purpose.

Feminine energy, on the other hand, is focused on relationships, nurturing, and family maintenance. 

Despite modern society telling us that men should be more feminine and relationship focused; and women should be more career focused--a woman's biology does not respond to this dynamic.

Feminine energy is attracted to masculine energy. If, at any time, you cross over into feminine energy and become too relationship focused and nurturing, you will turn women off. This leads us onto our second point…

2. Girls Don't Want Nice Guys

Nice guys are full of feminine energy. This is part of the reason why women don't want nice guys.

Nice guys try to please women, and win a girl over with their kindness. Generally, nice guys also live in a state of anxiety.

They worry about pleasing girls; they worry about upsetting girls; they worry if they're good enough for a girl; and they have the mistaken belief that girls want nice guys.

Nice guys, in general, are mostly inauthentic. They are only pretending to be nice to get what they want.

A nice guy will pretend to be romantic and caring because he thinks it will get him what he wants: more love and intimacy.

Women instinctively know this, and they see right through nice guy behavior.

This isn't to say that women want to be with bad guys, but they do want to be with men who are authentic—men who aren't afraid to go after that what they want and express their desires along the way, even if this means (momentarily) upsetting a girl.

In the world of attraction, bold men eat while nice guys starve.

3. Girls Want Challenge

Girls want to feel challenged. They want to win a man over. They don't want a man who makes things too easy for them. This is another reason why nice guys are unsuccessful with women.

In most cases, 95% of men try to rush seduction. If the guy really likes a girl, they make themselves available all the time.

Again, science has shown that responsive men are less attractive to women. Girls want to work for your attention.

If you're too responsive (meaning you are always available, you respond to messages too quickly, you're always reaching out to her), you will turn a girl off.

The same applies if you give your love away too easily, a woman will not respect you, and she will not respect your love. There is truth to the saying: fast love is cheap love.

If you aren't a challenge, and a woman finds it too easy to win you over, she will quickly lose interest in you.

Girls want a challenge; in fact, they need a challenge to feel excited about you and deem you worthy of relationship investment.

4. Girls Want Mystery

Girls love mystery. They love to think about a man and wonder what he is doing. Men who are mysterious and more attractive to women.

So, how do you become mysterious? It's simple: you make yourself less available, you hold back, and you stop talking about your feelings.

It is much better to talk about your feelings with your male friends or your family, than to talk about your feelings with a girl you are dating.

This might sound harsh and counterintuitive, but men often reveal their emotions and feelings and wear their heart on their sleeve, only to find that girls lose interest in them.

Girls want to wonder what you're thinking. They want to wonder whether or not you like them.

If a girl knows what you're thinking all the time, she will quickly lose interest in you.

If you're constantly telling a girl how much you miss her and love her, she doesn't have to wonder how you feel about her-—she already knows the answer.

Give a girl mystery and you give her excitement, suspense, and the type of romance she desires.

5. Girls Want Love

Everyone wants love, especially women. But you have to give a woman love the right way. If you give your love away too easily, a woman won't value it.

Instead, she will take your love for granted. You must get a woman to feel something for you first before she can fall in love with you.

In real life, attraction comes first followed by love. Attraction and love are two very separate feelings.

As I mention in my book, Atomic Attraction, attraction grows in anxiety, uncertainty, space, and tension. All the uncomfortable feelings that we don't like to deal with, but are necessary to build attraction.

Love, on the other hand, is a warm, safe feeling where you trust someone and feel comfortable with them.

A good analogy would be to describe attraction as a pickup truck and love as a trailer. Attraction pulls love into the relationship, and it also has the ability to pull love out of a relationship too.

If you, as the man, take care of attraction, the woman will take care of the love and nurture the relationship.

If you act in a masculine, non-needy, non-relationship focused way, you give a woman space and allow her room to nurture the relationship and move it forward.

Yes, women want love but they want it done the right way with the right person.

6. Girls Want to Tame the Bad Boy

Girls want confident men and all that this encapsulates. Confidence is strength. It's having the ability to go after what you want in life without fear and timidity.

Part of the reason why so-called "bad guys"are attractive is because they go after what they want without caring what other people think.

If you take the time to browse the woman's romance section in a bookstore, the heroes of the book are not timid, weak, feminine men.

Girls want to read about confident, masculine men who are a little bit dangerous and edgy.

This ties into their desire to tame the bad boy. Now, girls don't want to be around mean guys or assholes, who does? That's no fun.

But they do want their men to have an edge, a little bit of unpredictability (with a wild streak too).

It's easy to bring an edge into your character as a man. You simply make your focus freedom instead of relationships, as it should be.

Men should be focused on freedom and independence. This includes personal and financial freedom.

If you make this your number one priority, a woman will try to win you over by seeking commitment from you.

You're a challenge, you're mystery, and you're just enough of a bad boy to make her go crazy for you.

7. Girls Want to Chase Men

This is a controversial subject. Tell any woman that women should chase men, and they will disagree with you. It's not the way things are supposed to work.

The Disney prince is supposed to chase the princess and win her over. Real life, of course, is not a Disney movie. And science has even found that in 90% of cases it is the woman who initiates the seduction, not the man.

Women, however, do this in such a subtle way that most men don't even realize they are being pursued.

If you're a man with even just a modicum of experience, you will know this statement to be true. If a woman likes you and is attracted to you, she will chase you.

She will put herself on your radar. She will make herself available to you. She will seek you out and put herself into close proximity with you. And sometimes, she will directly start a conversation with you.

Women don't chase men they aren't attracted to, they only chase men they are attracted to. This doesn't mean you shouldn't make the first move with a woman.

Even if a woman likes you, she will rarely make the first move. It is your job as a man to make the first move with a woman.

You must break the ice. You must push for intimacy and keep the relationship light and fun.

Then, once you have become intimate with a woman, you must back off. If you continue to chase a woman after intimacy, you will turn her off.

It is now, at this point, that the woman must begin to chase you with more frequency, as she pushes for more commitment from you.

8. Girls Want High Value Men

This goes without saying, girls want high value men. They don't want low value men.

A low value man is weak, timid, feminine, responsive, relationship focused, needy, and unambitious.

High value men, on the other hand, are confident, strong, masculine, mysterious, challenging, edgy, independent, and highly ambitious.

It is interesting to note that women aren't just attracted to successful men, they are just as attracted to men who are ambitious because these men have all the traits that are required to be successful in the future.

In other words, realized ambition is just as attractive as unrealized ambition, but you must be ambitious nonetheless.

Why are women so attracted to men with money? It is not the money that is attractive, it is the ability to make money that is attractive to women. Money is simply a benchmark of success.

The man who is successful, who makes money, must be confident, intelligent, skilled, and ambitious—for without these qualities it is highly unlikely he would have been successful in the first place.

It is your job to build value, and a woman's job to recognize the value in you.

Women can sniff out and separate high value men from low value men with ease.

What Do Girls Want?

Girls want a lot, it's true. They want fun, laughter, playfulness, intimacy, affection, love, mystery, challenge, intrigue, romance all packaged up in the right way.

If there's one take away from this article, and perhaps the most important point it's that women are attracted to masculine energy as opposed to feminine energy.

If you align yourself with the more masculine traits in your character such as confidence, boldness, strength, independence, freedom, and ambition then you will be seen as much more attractive and girls will desire you.

You must also remember that women respond to their emotions, not logic or reason. They are, like everyone else, irrational apes.

Until you have the ability to spike attraction and make an impact with women. You will largely go unnoticed. The easiest way to do this is to build value and exhibit social proof.

As a final, important point, you must never worry about what a girl wants; instead, you must give a girl what she needs not what she wants.

This is the key to attraction, the key that unlocks the door to intimacy, affection, and love.

[chriscanwell]

If a girl doesn’t text you back, how do you raise her attraction and keep her interested in you? This article will show you how to handle this frustrating situation.

9 Reasons A Girl Doesn’t Text Back

She’s busy

She’s stressed out

She’s seeing someone else

She feels like you’re chasing her

She currently has low attraction for you

She likes you and wants to play this right

She doesn’t want to appear too desperate 

She’s testing you for weakness and neediness

She wants to know if you're high value or not

As you can see, there are many reasons why a girl doesn’t text back when a guy sends her a message.

However, we all know what it's like to date a girl who is really into us. When a girl is into you, everything is easy. 

You don't have to work hard to see her, you don't have to struggle to get a response out of her, and she goes out of her way to see you and make you happy.

If a girl is into you and she is attracted to you, dating becomes seamless. It works. It clicks. There is no struggle.

When a girl likes you, she will go out of her way to see you, she will make setting up dates easy, and she will want to be intimate with you.

On the other hand, we've all been in situations where dating is difficult, where a girl doesn’t text you back even though you thought the girl liked you.

In this situation, you find yourself struggling. It’s difficult to talk to the girl, it's difficult to get a response out of her, it's difficult to meet her, and it's especially difficult to be intimate with her.

She Doesn’t Text Back

I have been doing consultations with men now for about 10 years. I've spent years researching attraction.

I’ve spent years talking to men about their relationship problems, and one thing keeps on coming up time and time again: if a girl is difficult, it's not going to get any easier.

It doesn't matter if you sleep with her, it doesn't matter if you get into a relationship with her, it's still going to be difficult.

I often tell men, you can see the end of a relationship in the beginning—if you look closely. Open your eyes and look at the beginning of every relationship, you can see the ending.

If you're honest with yourself, you know how a relationship with a girl is going to play out.

If she is a nightmare to deal with, if she won’t even text you back (or is slow to respond), she will continue to be difficult for as long as you know her.

Don't take it personally, it's just the nature of the girl. It's the way she's wired. It's the way she's built.

She isn't going to change, no matter how much you would like her to change.

She might be testing you, she might be busy, she might have a boyfriend (or another guy) in the background. The end result: it’s difficult.

Based on the thousands of men I've interacted with over the years, there is one truth I've come to learn which is more powerful than anything else: if dating becomes difficult, walk away because it's not going to get any easier.

This is especially true if a girl doesn’t text you back. If she doesn’t text you back, you must walk away and let her know that you aren’t going to chase her.

This is especially true if you perceive the girl to have higher value than you. What happens in this situation?

If you perceive a girl to have higher value, she will sense this from your behavior and she will get turned off by you. 

Women are more intuitive than men and they can tell how you feel about them just from observing your behavior.

As I mention in my book, Atomic Attraction, women don’t want to be with men who are low value and lacking in confidence. 

Value isn’t solely about money or social status, it’s about your attitude.

If you hold yourself with dignity and confidence, displaying a willingness to walk away, you will be perceived to have higher value by women.

Men who are too available, text too much (double-text), chase too hard, and are too relationship focused––turn women off.

Women want to feel a sense of challenge and uncertainty about you, this is scientifically proven to turn women on and make them think about you.

Responsive behavior, on the other hand, has been scientifically proven to turn women off and push them away.

All this to say, it doesn’t matter why a girl doesn’t text you back, your response must be the same: walk away and cut her off until she messages you back.

It might take a week, it might take three weeks, if you walk away she will be in touch (unless she is already dating someone else).

If you constantly find yourself in the situation where you message a girl and she doesn’t text back, look inward...

Your value, as hard as it is to acknowledge this, is probably too low. In that case, you need to work on yourself and improve yourself as a person.

Get Her to Chase You

One of the keys to getting a girl to text you back is to get her to chase you. 

Once a woman understands that you aren’t going to chase her if she pulls away from you, she will begin to chase you and move closer to you. 

Getting a girl to chase you is a subtle process. There are, however, certain techniques and strategies that you can use to ensure that this happens. 

The following techniques are designed to put the woman into the role of the chaser and raise her attraction for you.

First, you must have the inner-strength to allow the woman to reach out to you the majority of the time. 

It’s always a good idea to adhere to the 80/20 rule when it comes to communicating with women. The 80/20 is a powerful principle that you can apply in many areas of life, not just relationships. 

When it comes to getting a woman to chase you, just remember that she must be the one who reaches out to start the majority of conversations. 

You can then respond back to her. But if, at any point, she drops out of the conversation, don’t continue to text her. 

Go no contact and wait for her to reach out to you again (even if this takes her a couple of days). This is normal and you should expect it to happen. 

If a girl ever complains about you not texting her or you being unresponsive, just remember that if you listen to her and change your behavior to please her, you’re just playing into her hands. 

You fail her test, you look weak, and you look like you’ll do anything to please her. 

She should be the one keeping the relationship alive and moving closer to you, not you chasing her. So, don’t listen to her words, focus on her actions instead. 

Your job as a man is to keep the interaction light, fun and playful—and always push for intimacy.

Get Off the Phone

You can’t build attraction over the phone, but you sure can kill it.

That’s why you must limit your phone use as much as possible. Try to use the phone to set up dates and that’s it. 

If you send too many messages to a girl, you risk boring her to death and turning her off.

This is one of the reasons why women drop out of conversions and ghost men—they get bored and the man never asks them out.

Ask a girl out, set the date, and get off the phone.

Texting Template

This is a good template to use for texting a girl:

1) When she contacts you, have a short conversation over the phone. Don’t be in a rush to set up the date. Ask her how she’s doing. Have some playful banter.

2) After some brief, initial texting, ask her out.

3) If she says yes, then set up the date.

4) If she says she can’t meet up or flakes/is evasive, tell her “Cool, let me know when you’re free and we can meet up then.” Then go no contact until she contacts you again.

Maintain no contact on a girl until she contacts you back. Never double-text and never chase. This way you distinguish yourself from 95% of men out there.

If you learn to walk away from women who don’t text back, you will save yourself a lot of trouble in the process.

You will separate the flakes and the attention seekers from the girls who are genuinely interested in getting to know you.

[chriscanwell]

If your girlfriend doesn't listen when you talk, this article will explain why this happens and how to deal with this frustrating situation.

Before we get further into this topic, let's take a look at an email from a reader who is going through this exact same problem. My response can be seen below in bold.

Note: all names and personal information have been changed for privacy reasons.

Hi Chris, I've been with my girlfriend for 1 year and half now. One of few problems i have is that she never really listens to me when i have a story to tell or just talking about my day, she'll rarely ask question to go in deeper about the stuff i do. Yet i always ask questions I'm not sure what to do. 

I can imagine how frustrating this must be for you. Besides the obvious intimacy and affection you get from your girlfriend, you also want her to show an interest in you and listen to what you have to say. I had a similar problem with one of my girlfriends too. She seemed to have an extremely short attention span and couldn’t listen to anything for more than five seconds. It was infuriating. It was hard to connect with her and almost impossible to find any common ground. On the other hand, other women can hang on every word you say and listen to everything, which is awesome and feels great.

I want to have great conversations with my girlfriend. She just wants to know what i'm doing but not interested in more. Shes not an active listener. i'll say for example today i had a tough day at works and she rarely asks if i'm okay or what happened.

Either she’s (a) not a very curious or interested person by nature, which is a problem in itself; (b) she’s not interested in anything you have to say and this is a sign of huge disrespect and a huge red-flag in the relationship; or (c) she’s a self-centered and self-absorbed person who is only interested in what she has going on in her life.

Another thing is that i want more affection i want to be touched more sometimes if i dont make the first move we could go without touching which sucks. Any help you could give me would be great.

John

There’s a lot going on here. First of all, you don’t feel as though she is listening to you. Second, she doesn’t show you enough affection and love. And third, she is disrespectful and says you’re soft and not strong enough. 

It sounds to me as though this is an attraction issue. What happens when a girl loses attraction for a man? She loses respect for him. She takes him for granted. She doesn’t make an effort to see him. 

Girlfriend Not Listening

Lower levels of attraction also lead to her being disinterested in what you have to say and not listening to you as much. She will find you more boring and generally uninteresting. 

The final nail in the coffin is low level of intimacy and affection. If a girl is feeling lower levels of attraction for you, she will stop touching you as much and stop being as affectionate as she was before.

All of these problems can be resolved in one way, by getting your girlfriend to feel heightened levels of attraction for you.

How do you do this?

If you feel as though you are the one who is always forcing the conversation and trying to get her to open up, you’re probably acting in a way that is far too responsive.

Remember, they have done studies that show that men who are too responsive (initiating conversations, texting too much, calling too much, being too available) are unattractive to women.

Mirror Her Emotions

If you find yourself being too nice to her, trying to force the conversation when you discover that she isn’t listening to you—pull back.

It’s going to be unnerving at first and a little unsettling, but if you have the courage to pull back from a girl the moment you sense that she is interested in what you are saying, you will force her to chase you.

The moment a girl becomes distant and you feel disrespected, pull back and mirror her emotions.

You have to pull back at this point to restore value and respect. If your girlfriend is not listening to you, then it stands to reason that she doesn’t respect you.

Would she behave the same way around someone she respects? Of course she wouldn’t.

So how do you rebuild respect and value, you bring space back into the relationship and make yourself more absent, more scarce, more unavailable. 

You must make her feel some uncertainty around the relationship (which is also proven to increase a woman’s attraction for a man). She must feel as though you might lose interest in her if she doesn’t correct her behavior.

You must also show your girlfriend that you won’t tolerate disrespectful behavior and that you have the ability to walk away from her if she continues to be disrespectful (or take you for granted).

The method that is used to get your girlfriend to listen to you and respect you again, must also be used to restore affection and interest.

She Doesn't Listen, She Doesn't Care

If you are constantly seeking her touch and trying to initiate intimacy with her, she will notice this.

Women are able to pick up on subtle social cues and if she feels as though you are the one who is reaching for her touch all the time, she will withdraw from you and get turned off by your behavior.

The moment you notice your girlfriend doesn't listen to you, an absence of affection, and the elements of coldness creep into her behavior, again, pull away and make yourself absent.

It’s hard to do and difficult to implement because you will feel as though you risk losing her or she will move on and find someone else.

However, you must realize that your nice guy behavior has got you into this situation in the first place and it is pushing her away from you and making her lose interest.

You must change your behavior if you are to change her behavior. Women respond to behavior, not words. 

If you are able to make some small subtle changes to your behavior you will see the positive change in her behavior towards too.

Set yourself a goal for the next month: don’t reach out to her or seek her touch. Make her come to you and touch you.

Second, don’t try to force the conversation or talk to her about your life, see if she notices—she will. Allow her to drive the conversation forward instead of you doing all the heavy lifting.

If your girlfriend doesn't listen to you, you can implement this for the next couple of weeks and you will see the change in her behavior.

She will start to open up to you more, she will listen to you more, and she will be more affectionate.

If you find, at the end of all this, your girlfriend is still not listening to you and still isn’t affectionate, then you will need to use a more extreme strategy.

[chriscanwell]

If you’re dating a girl with anxiety or depression, this article will show you the real truth about how to handle this “delicate” situation.

Severe anxiety and depression are both crippling forms of mental illness. Anxiety in it’s worst form can result in panic attacks and servere phobias; depression can result in low mood, dark thoughts and even suicide.

These mental illnesses do exist and the symptoms are severe. If you're dating a girl with anxiety or depression you will have no doubt that something is very wrong.

On the other hand, women often throw around words like “depression” and “anxiety” to explain away their irrational behavior.

For example, if a woman acts in a rude, cold, or disrespectful way towards a man, she will often attribute her actions to depression and anxiety.

I must have heard men tell me that their girlfriend has depression or anxiety a thousand times. This is something that keeps coming up time and time again.

The moment I hear these words, I always respond the same way: "All women have depression and anxiety."

This is partly true as women are more inclined to lean towards anxiety than men.

Is Her Anxiety/Depression Real?

It seems that nowadays most women have some form or anxiety or depression, or do they?

It sounds like a convincing argument on the girl’s part: she has depression/anxiety therefore she is allowed to be miserable, act cold and distant, and get upset with you.

In reality, I am yet to see a case of anxiety or depression that can’t easily be cured by raising a girl’s attraction levels.

In other words, if a girl has low attraction for a man, she will often attribute her cold, disrespectful behavior to depression or anxiety; if she has high attraction for a man, her depression and anxiety suddenly (and magically) disappear into thin air.

Now, that isn’t to say you should be dismissive towards a girl if she keeps on bringing here anxiety/depression issues up with you.

Although you must remember, when a woman talks about her problems and the issues she’s facing, it’s not your job to offer solutions and try to fix her problems. 

When a man has a problem and he talks to his friends, the man is looking for a solution. He wants to fix his problem. 

A woman, on the other hand, doesn’t want you to fix her problems. She simply wants you to listen and understand what she’s feeling. 

Believe it or not, yes, it really is that simple. All you have to do is follow one simple rule: listen, don’t fix. 

If you're dating a girl with anxiety, the same rule applies: listen, don't fix.

Do this and you’ll save yourself more trouble than you can even begin to imagine. You must never allow yourself to get sucked into a woman’s problems or try to fix her depression/anxiety. 

Case Study: Listen, Don’t Fix

The moment Veronica sat down to dinner she launched into an angry tirade about how her manager expected her to meet with clients later that week. “I don't work in sales!” Veronica said, flushed with anger. “No wonder I’m so depressed right now.”

Sean was full of sympathy. He couldn’t bear to see his sweetheart so upset. Fortunately, he knew how to fix her problem. 

He told Veronica in no uncertain terms that she needed to have a meeting with her manager or personnel to review her contract and explain that "selling" was not part of her job. 

Veronica gave Sean a withering look as though he’d just said the dumbest thing in the world. “You’re not listening to me,” she said. 

Sean looked confused. He thought he’d just given her the most sensible and practical way to fix her problem. Sean thought she must have misheard him, so he repeated himself only to have Veronica cut him off mid-sentence.

“Don’t you get it, you never listen to me. I can’t trust you with anything,” she said, leaving the room in disgust. 

Sean didn’t know it, but all he had to do was listen, or at least pretend to listen, either way the effect would have been less damaging. 

Dating Girls With Anxiety and Depression

It’s natural for a woman to get swept up in her own emotions for no other reason than a female predisposition to become anxious about all matters both serious and trivial.

The same applies to depression. If a man acts in a way that is unattractive, for example, he is needy, highly responsive, weak, or relationship focused, the woman will become “depressed” because she is not happy about the relationship.

Keep in mind, women are relationship focused. If you fail to act in a way that is masculine (focusing your drive and ambition on creating and building things and progressing in the world), a girl will become depressed as you will be seen as a disappointment. 

The same applies if you act in a way that is feminine and try to seek commitment and become overly relationship focused.

All the results are the same: the woman will become depressed and anxious because you are not acting in a way she finds attractive anymore.

Understanding how to communicate with a woman is one of the most important parts of the seduction process. 

Handle communication the right way and you instantly raise a woman’s attraction for you. 

Handle communication the wrong way, however, and the woman will slowly but surely become less and less attracted to you. 

Dating Anxious Girls

If a woman is depressed or anxious around you, and she’s become difficult to deal with, you mustn’t try to fix her problems. Instead, all you have to do is listen.

Behind the scenes, however, you must do some serious soul searching. You must ask yourself some very important questions:

Are you being too available?

Are you being too responsive?

Are you being too nice around her?

Are you acting in a way that is unattractive to women?

Are you being too needy and relationship focused?

If the answer to any of the above questions is yes, you must start by changing your behavior.

The cure for a girl’s depression and anxiety is not, as so many men think, medication and therapy, but often a change in their own behavior.

Remember, women are emotional creatures that respond to a man’s behavior.

If you act in a light and playful way, a way that is attractive to women, you will be seen as a source of attraction and excitement.

When you date a girl the right way, she will crave your presence and be excited to see you. This in itself is often enough to pull a woman out of her depression and anxiety.

Don’t think you have to sit down with her and be extra nice and supportive just because she said she is struggling with depression/anxiety.

If you’re dating a girl with anxiety or depression, it’s not your job to fix her. It’s your job, as a man, to show her a good time and push for intimacy. The rest will take care of itself.

A Cure For Anxiety and Depression

Now, if the girl your dating genuinely does have severe bouts of crippling depression, the best fix is, again, not medication or therapy. It’s a lifestyle adjustment.

Processed foods, junk food, sugary foods must first be eliminated from her diet. We are what we eat and these foods poison the brain and often result in heightened levels of anxiety and depression.

It goes without saying that smoking, alcohol and drug use fall into the same category. They affect the brain in a severe way. A girl can't function normally if she's addicted to any of these substances.

Second, anyone with depression and anxiety must exercise. Exercise is incredibly important. There is no separation between the body and the brain. They are one and the same organism. 

Therefore, the brain cannot function properly when the body is idle. Exercise boosts serotonin levels and releases dopamine in the brain. These mood enhancing chemicals are enough to pull most people out of a depressive slump.

I once had a friend who was suicidal for years. He had crippling depression and often wanted to kill himself. In fact, he made several suicide attempts in his early twenties.

What saved him wasn’t years of therapy and medication, it was agreeing to join a friend (an aspiring actor and model) for daily workout sessions in the gym.

Little did my friend realize that this guy was ex military, and his workouts consisted of hitting the gym to engage in brutal two hour training session every day. Bye bye depression.

Of course, you can't expect a woman to go to the same extremes, but you can encourage her to exercise. Even gentle, consistent exercise would be enough to help her.

I encourage anyone who is dealing with anxiety and depression to start exercising today. The more severe the depression, the more you should workout. It’s a life changer.

If the girl you're dating has real depression or anxiety, you should encourage her to workout and adopt a more healthy lifestyle.

If she refuses, after much gentle encouragement, I encourage you to walk away. You mustn’t let a woman with depression drag you down with her.

If she won't help herself and she won't let you help her, there's not much else you can do.

On the other hand, if you notice that the girl you're dating only has depression or anxiety when she's around you, then it's most likely an attraction issue that can easily be resolved.

[chriscanwell]

Do you want to turn that hot girl friend into your girlfriend? If so, this article will who you how to approach this delicate situation the right way.

Steps to Turn a Friend Into a Girlfriend

Don't confess your feelings

Express interest through action, not words

Plant intimate thoughts in her head

Start touching her and flirting with her

Understand your friendship might change forever

Before we dive deeper into this topic, let’s take a look at an email from a reader who is struggling to turn get his friend to see him as a romantic possibility.

(Note: all names and personal information have been changed for privacy reasons.)

Hi Chris, I need help turning this girl I’ve known for the past four years as a friend into my girlfriend. Every time throughout the years she would call when in town and we'd grab dinner or go to a party or club. I even went to Spain to hang with her and her ex-boyfriend for a few days a couple of years ago. I had zero interest in getting together with her at that time. 

We hang out a lot. And Getting so much closer over the past couple of months after she recently broke up with her ex. She starts telling me for the past month she loves me so much. I tell her I love her. She came over one night and I was telling her how hot she is and she said want to feel it! And I just grabbed it.  Anyway, long story short, we had lots of great banter the other night and I went to kiss her. She said "come on Stan, we are brother and sister sister.” It sucks I need to turn this romantic. Thanks, Stan

Friends Into Lovers

You have to make a choice here. Do you keep your girl friend as a friend or do you try to transition into something more serious and risk losing her? 

Remember, the moment you transition to a romantic relationship the nature of the relationship changes. Your friend will behave completely differently once you make your intentions clear.

She will start to test you (which she wouldn't do if she was just your friend). This is the danger and something you must be aware of.

That being said, if your friend sticks around and she keeps wanting to see you and hang out with you then she definitely has romantic interest in you.

If you want to turn your friend into your girlfriend, It would be a mistake to approach this in terms of asking her to date you or confess your feelings for her.

This never works. Instead, you want to charge the interactions between the two you and spark attraction. You can do this by cross boundaries, flirting, and plant the seed of "something more" in her mind.

How do you take this further? Tell her you wonder what it would be like to kiss her or be intimate with her.

Watch how she responds. She might feel strange, but it doesn't matter—you are simply planting the thought in her head, and she will think about it. Even if she is resistant at first, your friend will think about what you said and either accept or reject this new idea.

Transitioning to an intimate relationship with someone you’ve known as a friend is tough because over time you develop a friendship and become like brother and sister.

The only way to smooth this transition is to make sure that you keep flirting and pushing the boundaries, physically and emotionally. 

Touch your "girl" friend on the arm, wrist, back, waist and watch closely to see if she pulls away. If she doesn’t resist, go in close and try to smell her neck or hair, then transition to kissing her on the neck and see how she reacts.

If she enjoy it, progress further. If she pulls away, simply tell her that she smells great.

Escape the Friend Zone

You’ve got to constantly test the boundaries here and push for more intimacy, otherwise you will remain friends until someone else comes along and sweeps her off her feet.

If your friend keeps wanting to see you and hang out, that is the green light to keep pursuing her. If you notice that she pulls away, then that means slow down and back-off.

If your friend holds out and makes it difficult to seduce her, then you have a choice to make: go into no contact and don’t contact this girl again until she reaches out to you first.

You then have to decide whether you want to make the effort with this girl (if she seems unhappy moving beyond friendship) or go back to being just friends.

The reason why it's so hard to turn your friend into a girlfriend is because, as a friend, you've been relegated to the friend zone. A position that's notoriously difficult to escape from. Difficult but not impossible.

Keep in mind, the moment you make your friend your girlfriend, is the moment the dynamic between the two of you changes.

A lot of men in this situation have the same common complaint: when they were friends everything was so easy. They could talk about everything. The girl didn't test them. The girl would always call and message the guy.

Now, they're in a relationship with their friend, the girl has changed. She gets moody, difficult, confrontational and is no longer the sweet friend they used to love hanging out with. Why is everything so difficult now?

This all happens because the rules of the game changed. You activate a different part of a woman's brain the moment you become intimate with her. She is now going to test you because she has to, and she is going to hold you to a different standard than before.

In other words: goodbye friendship, hello drama!

Once you enter the realm of an intimate relationship, you must be comfortable bringing space into the relationship and getting her to chase you. This is how it has to be if the relationship is to work the right way and she’s going to have long-lasting attraction for you.

Ideally, the best way to play this going forward would be to wait for her to reach out to you, then when she does, catch up then flirt like crazy.

She needs to understand that your feelings have changed. Don't talk about your feelings though, you must demonstrate your attraction for her with action as opposed to words.

If, for whatever reason, your friend says "no" or pulls away from you, you must also pull away and consider the possibility that this is too much work and not worth the effort.

The moment you adopt an attitude that this isn’t working and you’re ready to move on is often the moment women “intuitively” sense you pulling away from them and they often try hard to recapture your attention.

This is a delicate situation. If not handled correctly, or your relationship doesn't work out, you might lose the friendship forever, but this is the risk you must take if you want something more.

People can often be great friends but terrible lovers. But in some situations, turning a girl friend into a girlfriend can lead to a wonderful romance.

[chriscanwell]

There is nothing more traumatic in a relationship than discovering that your wife is cheating on you. Interestingly enough, New York Magazine reported that women are just as likely to cheat as men. 

Another study published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior found that 19% of women in heterosexual relationships report having cheated on their partners. 35% of women also reported having an emotional (non-physical affair) with someone else during marriage.

In other words, you’re not alone. Cheating is a big problem in relationships.

If you suspect your wife is cheating on you, or you’ve found out that your wife is cheating on you––this article will show you what to do in this situation.

This article goes in-depth and covers all aspects of cheating. You could call this the ultimate guide to cheating. Below is an index to help you navigate this long-form article:

11 Signs Your Wife Is Cheating

Case Study: Cheating Wife

You Suspect Your Wife Is Cheating

Why Is She Cheating?

The Unattractive Husband

The Distant Husband

Your Wife Is Cheating, Now What?

How to Confront Your Wife

You Want to Leave Your Wife

Case Study: Repressed Anger

How to Get Your Wife Back

Re-Attract Your Wife

Your Wife Wants to Leave

Your Wife Wants To Stay

Before we look at this horrible situation in-depth, let’s take a moment to examine the signs that your wife is cheating on you so you can make an informed decision moving forward.

11 Signs Your Wife Is Cheating

She’s lost interest in you

She’s easily irritated by you

She is protective of her phone

She doesn’t want to be intimate with you

She’s not affectionate around you

She ignores you and never messages you

Nothing you say or do is funny or interesting

She’s distant and wants space away from you

She’s become more focused on her appearance 

She is emotionally distant to the point of disrespect

She often disappears and has unexplained absences 

If your wife starts to display more than a couple of these signs at once, there’s a good chance she could be cheating on you.

However, before you jump to conclusions and assume the worst, remember your wife is innocent until proven guilty. Just because you think she’s cheating on you doesn’t mean she is cheating on you.

I’ve seen a lot of guys suffer from extreme paranoia and jealousy regarding their wife. These men are often quick to assume the worst.

If your wife displays one or two of the above signs, this in itself does not mean she is guilty of cheating.

If your wife displays more than a couple of signs of infidelity (and your instincts tell you she’s cheating), then you need to investigate further.

Case Study: Cheating Wife

(Note: the case studies in this article are based on true events. All names and personal information have been changed for privacy reasons.)

Pete suspected his wife was cheating on him the moment he came home from a two week business trip. Pete had sensed the change in her behavior months ago and he knew something was wrong.

The lack of intimacy, the cold, distant behavior, her lack of interest in anything he had to say, her disrespectful behavior and her long unexplained absences.

This wasn’t the woman Pete had married. His once sweet, loving wife had transformed into a moody, disrespectful woman. 

Pete knew something was wrong, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. He sensed his wife was moving away from him, but only when he came home from the business trip did he suspect she was actually cheating on him.

First, there were the unexplained payments on a discarded bank statement he found in the trash. There was a payment for a room in a hotel, which she hadn’t told him about, and a suspicious payment to Victoria’s Secret.

Was she buying underwear? If she was, she wasn’t buying lacie panties to impress him, that's for sure.

One night, Pete tried confronting his wife only to have her shut down then explode in anger, "You're the one who destroyed our relationship. It's YOUR FAULT, not mine!"

The next morning, when his wife went to work, Pete ransacked the house looking for more incriminating evidence… He found what he was looking for in the kitchen—a pair of red panties stuffed inside a kitchen drawer, hidden among the dish towels.

Pete’s body flushed with sweat and his heart began to pound. There was no denying it now, his wife was cheating on him.

When his wife came home he confronted her with the evidence. “I know you’re cheating on me,” he said. “I found your panties hidden in the kitchen drawer. You don’t wear them for me, so who are you wearing them for?”

Pete’s wife gave him a cold, withering look. “I can’t believe you went through my stuff. That’s an invasion of privacy.”

Pete began to stammer, “What’s going on?”

“I don’t need to explain myself to you,” She said. “I put them in the drawer because it’s private. It’s for me. I don’t want anyone to see them.”

“I don’t believe you,” Pete said. “You’re seeing someone.”

“I don’t care what you believe,” Pete’s wife muttered. “I’m done with you…”

“What are you talking about?” Pete replied.

“I don’t want to be around you. I don’t want you here. I don’t want you going through my STUFF! Just GET OUT! Leave me alone!"

“Please,” Pete said. “Whatever’s going on, we can work through this. Just tell me what’s going on. We can talk about this and fix it.”

“It’s too late for that,” his wife responded. “I should have left you a long time ago.”

“Just because you’re mad at me,” Pete said. “I’m sorry I went through your stuff. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“No, you shouldn’t.” Pete’s wife replied as she snatched the panties out of his hand and stormed off. 

After repeatedly apologizing to his wife for several weeks and trying to fix the relationship, Pete’s wife had had enough. She left the house and moved in with her sister. 

It didn’t matter what Pete said, the more he talked the more he pushed his wife away. Even when she finally admitted that, yes, she had in fact been cheating on him, somehow she had managed to turn it all around and put the blame on him. 

Pete was never there for her, she said. He wasn’t supportive. He was too focused on his work. He was too boring. He was stupid. He was a disappointment. She should never have married him. 

All Pete could do was hang his head in sorrow and tear at the memory of their love… a love that had once blossomed but was now dead. His wife was gone, never to return again.

You Suspect Your Wife Is Cheating

If you suspect your wife is cheating on you, the first thing you need to do is collect hard evidence. You need proof that she is actually cheating on you.

Now, some men have gone to extreme lengths to catch their wives in the arms of another man.

One man sent a drone up into the sky to spy on his wife; another man put a GPS tracking device on his wife’s car; another tapped his wife’s phone and recorded her calls.

Whatever you do, stay legal and don’t break the law. Otherwise, you might find yourself in a difficult situation, especially if divorce proceedings are initiated.

If you suspect your wife is cheating on you, you can hire a reputable private investigator to follow your wife and collect photographic/video evidence that your wife is indeed guilty of infidelity.

It’s important to collect evidence. In many states and jurisdictions, adultery is a factor in determining if a spouse is entitled to alimony. 

Evidence can also help to speed up divorce proceedings if you need to go down that road.

Keep in mind that cheating, as defined by the law, means you have to prove that sexual acts occurred outside of marriage. Hand-holding and kissing, followed by time spent alone in private is usually enough to convict a spouse of cheating.

At this stage, if you know your wife is cheating on you, I strongly suggest you get legal advice before you confront your wife.

Why Is She Cheating?

There are usually two reasons why your wife wil cheat on you: 

1) You turned her off and she lost attraction for you. 

2) You were emotionally and physically absent as a husband.

As you read this, you will know which of these two categories you fall into. 

The Unattractive Husband

If you turned your wife off with your behavior, then you’re most likely the kind of husband who is too nice and predictable. No harm in that, except nice guy behavior traits are a turn-off to women.

The unattractive husband is usually emotionally needy, weak, and relationship focused. You are no longer a mystery, a challenge, or interesting to your wife. It is for this reason that your wife starts to look outside the marriage for excitement with another man.

Your behavior has turned your wife off. Yes, you were sweet, loving and loyal in the relationship and its not fair that you should be punished for your “nice guy” behavior. But attraction stems from nature; and just like nature, attraction is unforgiving and indifferent. 

Attraction doesn’t care about right or wrong, it cares that you behave in a way that meets a woman’s desires for reproduction (more on that later as we discuss the best way to re-attract your wife).

The Distant Husband

The second reason why women cheat on their husbands comes down to the husband being emotionally and physically distant in the relationship. Sometimes the husband is also abusive and controlling and this is also a huge turn-off to women.

There’s a wonderful line in the Eagles song, “Lying Eyes” which sums up a woman’s state of mind right before she cheats on her husband…

“And it breaks her heart to think her love is only… given to a man with hands as cold as ice.”

There are many reasons why a husband might be distant and unavailable in the relationship. The husband might be working a lot and feel too tired to engage 100% with his wife’s emotional needs. As men, we all know how tiring and emotionally demanding women can be.

At other times, the husband simply loses attraction for his wife and no longer feels the need or desire to spend time with her. In all of these situations, the result is the same: the wife ends up feeling abandoned and neglected. 

A woman’s emotions are like a black hole that needs constant filling, or to put it more elegantly: her emotions are like a garden that must be tended to and maintained.

Whichever way you slice it, if you don’t provide your wife with the most basic amount of love and affection, she will go looking for intimacy outside the marriage.

Your Wife Is Cheating, Now What?

So now you know: your wife is cheating on you. Once this discovery becomes clear, the emotional hit is savage and brutal.

You will feel rage, anger, hurt and betrayal. You will constantly think about your wife in the arms of another man. You might even feel the urge to get revenge on your wife and her lover.

It is crucial that you do your best to remain calm in this situation, as hard as it might be. There are countless stories of men getting revenge on their wives and lovers, however, all these stories have the same miserable ending for the jilted husband—he gets revenge then goes to jail.

No woman (not even your wife) is worth going to jail for. Should you feel a desire to destroy your wife and her lover, you must get revenge through the legal system as opposed to getting revenge in person.

Now, even though you're angry and feel bitter resentment towards your wife, you might also feel a desperate desire to save your marriage and win your wife back.

This can be a confusing time for you, as anger is often accompanied by a spike in attraction, which is often as confusing as it is disturbing. 

This happens due to the simple reason that men are wired to mate guard their partners. If another man is pursuing your wife, it’s normal to feel a spike in desire for your wife.

Despite the roller-coaster of emotions and feelings you’re going through right now, when you discover your wife is cheating on you the best thing you can do is introduce space into the relationship. 

Get away from your wife if possible (at least for a couple of days).

Go stay with a trusted friend or family member; someone who can be discreet and can listen to you talk with empathy and understanding.

If you can’t get away from your wife because you live together, try to minimize the amount of time you spend together. During this time, you need to think about one important question: What do I want?

What do you want? Do you want to leave your wife because a cheating wife is a breach of trust you can never forgive. Or do you want to save the marriage?

Think about this long and hard because this decision will ultimately have a lasting impact on your future relationship with your wife.

Do you want to stay with your wife or do you want to leave her? Once you know where you stand, it’s time to confront your wife.

How To Confront Your Wife

What do you say to a wife who is cheating on you? How do you call her out on her behavior? No matter what you plan to say, this talk is never going to be easy. Once you accuse your wife of cheating, the cat is out the bag and there’s no going back.

This is why it’s important to make sure that your wife really is cheating on you and you have evidence to support your claim. If you don’t have evidence and just a sneaking suspicion that your wife is cheating, stop and collect more evidence.

If your wife is cheating it won’t be difficult to get proof. If you accuse your wife of cheating (and she isn’t), it will affect your relationship and make you look weak and insecure.

Now, if you know for sure that your wife is cheating on you, take a deep breath and find a moment to sit down together. Ask your wife if there’s something wrong in the relationship? You don’t need to come out, guns blazing, and accuse her of being a cheat and a liar.

At this point, your wife might tell you what’s going on and confess that she’s been cheating on you. If your wife denies cheating on you, then you need to provide evidence of her infidelity.

When confronted with the facts, your wife will either:

Continue to deny she did anything wrong.

Break down, cry, and tell you what happened.

Get angry and blame you for invading her privacy and for being a useless husband.

No matter how your wife responds, you’re going to have one thought running through your head during this time. That thought is why? 

Why did she cheat on you? Why did she do it? Why weren't you good enough? Why did she want to be with someone else? Why, why, why?

Strangely enough, if you’re having a calm, rational conversation with your wife you're unlikely to get the answers you're looking for.

You will get half-truths mixed with white lies, but you won’t get the whole truth. You won't find out why she cheated on you. This is why it’s important not to shy away from anger. If your wife gets angry and you get into a heated argument with her, good.

Your wife is much more likely to tell you the truth about why she cheated if she is angry with you as opposed to having a nice, rational conversation with you. 

If you want to know why your wife cheated on you, make her angry and she’ll tell you everything. Just be aware that the truth can cut to the bone and hurt like hell. If you want to know why your wife cheated be prepared to hear some hard, uncomfortable truths.

Having said that, knowing why your wife cheated is an important step in moving forward and processing your thoughts and feelings.

Often, understanding why your wife cheated can help you move on emotionally from a relationship that was full of problems and going nowhere.

Note: if you want to forgive your wife and repair the relationship it is often better not to ask for too many intimate details about the affair. Ignorance, in this case, is bliss.

You Want to Leave Your Wife

This is a completely valid decision, and, for many men, it’s the right decision. For a lot of men, the thought of their wife in the arms of another man is too much to bear.

Her cheating is not just an emotional and physical betrayal, it’s an attack on your pride, dignity and ego. If your wife cheats on you, you might not be able to forgive her.

Having said that, one of the most important traits you can have as a man is to know yourself. If you know yourself and you know what your boundaries are, it becomes a lot easier to make difficult life decisions.

If cheating is unacceptable to you and you know this is something you can never forgive, you are justified in leaving your wife. I often speak to men who are so disgusted at the thought of their wife being intimate with another man they have to leave the marriage.

Cheating is the ultimate deal-breaker in this situation. Yet, for other men, a wife’s betrayal can be forgiven, and on some level understood.

You must know where you stand on this issue, then you can make an informed decision about whether to leave your wife or stay with her.

If you decide to stay with your wife after she cheated on you, but you still harbor deep resentment towards her, you will be wasting your life spending more time with her; and if you have children you will not be doing them any favors either.

It is always better to leave your wife instead of sticking around for the sake of children and family. A toxic environment does nothing for a child’s development.

If your children find themselves stuck in the middle of a feud between you and your wife, it will only cause more trauma for the child and stir up future resentment.

In short, get out while you can. You will be doing yourself and your children a huge service in the long-run. 

If you find yourself stuck on the fence, not sure if you want to leave your wife or try to find a way to save the relationship, I would advocate taking a break.

There is no need to pull the trigger just yet and initiate divorce proceedings, especially if you are in two minds about leaving and your wife wants to work things out.

In this case, taking time apart is the best thing you can do. A temporary break can be a wonderful reprieve for the two of you. 

Space allows tempers to cool and gives you and your wife time to calm down, so you can speak to each other with greater patience and understanding. Taking time away from each other also allows you to sort through your emotions and make an informed decision.

You will know pretty soon whether or not you want to try and work things out or if your wife’s cheating is something you cannot forgive. 

A temporary break is a great way to get some perspective before you make any hard decisions during this traumatic time. If, in the end, you do decide to leave make sure you get good legal counsel and hire a competent divorce lawyer who can advise you on the best course of action. 

A good divorce lawyer will have your best interests at heart. As such, they will not be trying to profit from your misery. Instead, they will encourage you to work things out with your wife in such a way that you avoid nasty custody/alimony disputes in court.

Case Study: Repressed Anger

When Todd found out that Katy (his wife of seven years) had been cheating on him, he was furious. How could she do this to him? He loved her, took care of her, and paid for everything.

She didn’t have to work. She didn’t have to do anything except take care of their five year old son. The details of the affair come out after Todd saw a message on his wife’s phone—a message from her lover.

At that moment, Todd had burst into the bathroom while Katy was in the shower and held her phone in front of her face, demanding to know what the hell was going on.

After bursting into tears, Katy toweled herself dry and came out of the shower to explain the situation. She said she felt “lonely” and “abandoned” by Todd because he was always at work.

Todd couldn’t believe he was hearing this. The absolute disrespect from this woman was almost too much to comprehend. 

He was always at work? He abandoned her? Of course he worked long hours, he was paying for EVERYTHING to support her and their child.

Todd spent the evening downing shots of whiskey and yelling at Katy for being unfaithful, disrespectful, and selfish.

For her part, Katy was apologetic. She knew what she did was wrong. She knew she had been selfish. She had even wanted to call off the affair, but she was just so lonely and miserable staying at home all day she didn’t have anyone else to turn to—Todd was never home.

Todd was still furious when he woke up in the morning. He couldn’t even look at Katy without feeling a palpable sense of disgust. He'd done everything for her and their son and this was how she repaid him? Then there was that stupid accusation: “You’re never home, I’m so lonely.”

What did she expect? Not only did he have to work, but she wasn’t exactly great company. All she did was lie around the house, complaining and crying all the time. No wonder he didn’t want to spend any time with her.

The more Todd thought about the situation, the more he felt as though he’d been duped into marrying her. She had changed, she wasn’t the sweet, fun, loving girl he’d married. What about his own happiness?

Did she really think he didn’t have a chance to cheat too? He’d had a hundred opportunities at work to cheat on her, but he never cheated out of respect for their marriage.

How stupid he’d been to think she was special, that she was somehow different. Now, as Todd got ready to go to work, he looked at Katy lying in bed fast asleep...

He felt nothing. No love. No affection. Nothing… He would stay with her only because he loved their son and wanted to keep the family together. If it wasn’t for his son, he would have packed his bags and left that very morning.

Six months later, Todd was having dinner at home, another microwave meal served up by his miserable wife.

As Todd ate dinner, Katy complained that he never listened to her and she was unhappy in their marriage. Todd didn’t say anything, he just ate his food and seethed in anger. Why, when he was trying to relax after a hard days work, did Katy always try her best to ruin things?

“You’re not even listening to me, are you?” Katy said as tears of indignation streamed down her face. “That’s it. I want a divorce. I want out of this marriage.”

“What?” Todd said, dropping his fork. “You don’t get to choose when to leave. The only reason I stayed with you was because of our son. We do this for him. We stay together for him, that's it.”

“You’re no father and you’re no husband,” Katy said. “Are you even surprised I cheated on you? I’m taking our son and I’m going to divorce you. I'll get a divorce.”

It was at that moment that Todd exploded with anger. Not only did he have to work like crazy to put food on the table. He had to come home to this? An unsupportive, rude, disrespectful wife who served him cheap microwave dinners.

What about all the sacrifices he'd made? Staying with a woman who cheated on him. Now she was threatening to leave, to divorce him, and take their son away from him?

Todd snapped. He grabbed the back of Katy’s head and slammed her forehead against the table into her plate of food. BANG!

The moment he did it, Todd knew he had crossed a line from which he could never return.

Katy screamed and covered her face with her hands. Whatever happened now, whether he went to jail or not, Todd knew this was it: they were getting divorced and their relationship was over.

Todd knew he should have walked away six months ago after he discovered his wife was cheating on him. Instead, he had stuck around. Why? To punish her? To keep the family together? Maybe a mixture of both.

No matter what happened, Todd's hatred towards Katy and what she had done to him would never go away. His anger was always there, lingering like a monster beneath the surface of their relationship. It was time to walk away now or risk losing custody to his son forever.

How to Get Your Wife Back

If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you don’t want to lose your wife. You remember the love she once felt for you, all the affection, and all the sweet memories. 

You might be seething with anger, emotionally devastated and depressed right now because she cheated on you, but a part of you wants to fix the situation and save the relationship.

This is especially true in situations where you both have children together. You don’t want to get divorced. You don’t want to split the family up, not if you can help it. So what do you do?

First, you have to understand why women cheat in the first place. Women cheat when they become emotionally distant from their partner. In all relationships, attraction is the first element to enter a relationship followed by love.

Attraction is also the first element to leave a relationship when things start to turn sour. Therefore, it is my experience that the spark of attraction must be reignited to recapture your wife’s attention and bring her focus back onto you.

Re-attracting your wife takes self-reflection and a willingness to change your behavior. Remember, women are emotional creatures who respond to a man’s behavior.

Your behavior so far has lead you to this point. In other words, if you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’ll keep getting what you're getting. Your wife will continue to cheat on you. This is why it's so important to change your behavior to re-attract your wife.

Re-Attract Your Wife

If you want to save your marriage and recapture your wife's interest, this section will show you how to do this in detail. It goes without saying, if your wife is cheating on you, she has lost attraction for you.

Some men are masters at killing attraction. The moment they get married they turn into lovestruck fools who can’t help but act in a way that turns a woman off.

Still, other men do little wrong besides losing the all important elements of mystery and challenge once they tie the knot.

Unless you know what you’re doing, it can be especially hard to keep the fire of attraction alive when you start living together with your wife under the same roof.

Re-attracting your wife is the same as re-attracting a girlfriend or a lover. Remember, women respond to your behavior as a man. They are purely emotional and responsive creatures.

A huge part of attraction is not only behaving in a way that is attractive, it's behaving in a way that eliminates unattractive behaviors from your repertoire.

8 Unattractive Behaviors

Being needy and clingy

Being relationship focused 

Not giving your wife space

You’re easily jealous and upset

You’re emotionally unstable 

You display weak, beta behavior

You are no longer a challenge or a mystery

You are suffocating and boring to be around

If you look at this list and find yourself guilty of any of these attraction sins, you need to do your best to cut these behaviors out of your relationship.

Your lover is not your mother. This applies to your wife too. Your mother will forgive you for acting weak and needy, your wife won’t. If you think you can unload all your problems onto your wife without turning her off, you’re dead wrong.

Again, mentioned in my book Atomic Attraction: attraction (unlike love) doesn’t grow in comfort and safety, attraction grows in tension, space, uncertainty, and mystery—all those uncomfortable emotions we like to avoid.

Your goal, at this point, isn’t to bring the love back into the relationship, your goal is to bring the attraction back into the relationship.

5 Steps to Re-Attract Your Wife

Mirror her emotions

Be a mystery and a challenge

Bring space into the relationship

Stop talking about the relationship

Keep the relationship light and fun

If you’re living with your wife, you must start by introducing space into the relationship. Attraction grows in space, it doesn’t grow in close proximity.

Mirror Her Emotions

The second step is to mirror your wife’s emotions. If you sense your wife losing interest in you, ignoring you, and you catch yourself constantly trying to close the distance between the two of you—stop!

Instead of trying to close the distance between you and your wife, which is natural, you must pull away from her to spark attraction.

If you imagine that there is a piece of string connected to you and your wife. If she pulls away from you, and you chase her, the string goes slack and there is no sexual tension in the relationship.

On the other hand, if your wife pulls away from you and you pull away from her, the string goes tight bringing that much needed spark and sexual energy back into your relationship.

Mystery and Challenge

Third, you must bring the elements of mystery and challenge back into play. This can be hard to do if you're both living together, but it is possible.

How do you become a challenge and a mystery if you’re both living under the same roof? This all comes back to first giving your wife space. On top of space, you must become more unpredictable in your behavior.

Where once you put all your focus onto your wife, you must now bring the focus back onto yourself.

Focus on your hobbies, business, career, education, fitness—anything that helps you develop as a person, takes your mind off the affair, and makes you more attractive is a good thing.

Ambition is a hugely attractive quality to woman. Just because you put a ring on your wife’s finger doesn’t mean she’ll stay attracted to you forever. You need to stay focused on your mission to maintain attraction.

If you start a new hobby, hang out with friends, and get out of the house you will automatically bring the elements of space, mystery and challenge back into the relationship.

Don't Talk About the Relationship

The fourth and final issue you must focus on is not talking about the relationship. If you spend a great deal of time rehashing the relationship, going over your problems together, and talking about the affair all you do is appear relationship focused as you dredge up bad memories.

Women are relationship focused, men are mission focused. If you subvert this natural dynamic (as assigned by nature), you will turn your wife off and she will continue to pull away from you.

Instead, let your wife talk about the relationship and bring up any issues that arise. Your job, as a man, is to push for intimacy and keep the relationship light, fun and playful.

Just because you’re married to your wife and she’s the mother of your children doesn’t mean you should stop treating her like your lover. 

One of the best ways to keep your relationship exciting and fun is to treat your wife like your girlfriend, your babe, your lover, your girl.

Try to bring a sense of fun back into the relationship and never take yourself too seriously. Playful behavior is enormously attractive to women and it helps take the stress and pressure out the relationship too.

Attractive Communication

When it comes to messaging and calling your wife, don’t feel the need to check-in with her on a frequent basis. In my experience, 80% of relationship problems occur over the phone, not face-to-face.

To make communication simple, if your wife is the one who has lost interest in you and is pulling away from you, stop reaching out to her over the phone.

This isn’t about being passive aggressive. It’s about letting your wife know that if she wants to ignore you, you’re not going to chase her.

You have the strength and confidence to walk away from her (again, this is about pride, dignity and confidence). Allow your wife to call you and message you at her own pace. This ensures that she only reaches out to you when she misses you and craves your presence.

Instead of trying to force the interaction, allow your wife to miss you, let her think about you, let her crave you. By all means respond if she reaches out to you, but you want her to be doing the reaching out and initiating contact. 

It can take a couple of weeks for this dynamic to shift: where your wife goes from being chased by you to chasing you, so be patient. Keep in mind, studies in the US, Canada, UK and Isreal all show that responsive men are less attractive to women.

Women are attracted to men who are ambitious and focused on their purpose in life, your wife is no exception to this rule.

Let mystery, space, challenge, distance, tension and uncertainty work to your advantage here as you begin eliminating unattractive behaviors from your relationship.

Your Wife Wants to Leave

If your wife cheated because she wants out of the relationship, don’t try to stop her from leaving, even if you want to save the relationship.

It sounds counter-intuitive, the natural inclination is to try and stop your wife from walking out the door. It's easy to let her go if you don’t want her to stay, but if you want to rescue the relationship and save your marriage this section is for you.

Most men tend to panic when their wife says she’s had enough and she wants out. This sudden fear of loss can hit like a freight train.

The worst thing you can do is try to stop her. If you beg, plead, apologize, and promise to change you’ll often be met with the angry response, “It’s too late for that.”

If you try to pressure your wife into staying with you and she's already emotionally checked out of the relationship, you will be pouring fuel onto an already stressful situation. 

Instead, you must encourage your wife to leave and support her in her decision. This feels unnatural and uncomfortable, but it’s important that you take this stance.

You must turn the tables on your wife. She isn’t expecting you to let her go and encourage her to leave and pursue her own happiness. 

Your wife is expecting a fight. She is expecting you to push for counseling and therapy—don’t go down this road just yet.

If you encourage your wife to leave, you take the stress out of the situation. You also sub communicate to your wife that you have the confidence and ability to live your life without her.

This will not only make you appear more attractive, it will confuse your wife and put her into a state of doubt and uncertainty. 

This state of uncertainty has been proven, through scientific research, to increase a woman’s attraction for a man.

It’s a sad truth that “nice guy behaviors” do little to re-spark attraction. Why did your wife cheat on you in the first place?

Were you too nice? Too available? Too sweet? Too attentive?  If you were, it’s likely that you killed attraction because you acted too feminine in the relationship. 

At this point, you don’t want to make the mistake of trying to fix nice guy behavior by being more nice, especially after your wife has already cheated on you with another man. 

Don’t be afraid to pull away from your wife and mirror her emotions. Just as she emotionally and physically pulled away from you, so, too, must you pull away from her to re-ignite the spark of attraction.

If this fails to capture your wife's attention, you might need to bring some dread into the relationship to spike attraction.

I have written an article titled: Use Dread to Restore Dying Attraction which describes how to implement dread in great detail. Implementing dread essentially means flooding a woman with anxiety to re-spark attraction.

This is done by raising a woman’s jealousy, uncertainty, confusion and tension in the relationship.

Examples of Dread include:

— Tell your wife you miss your freedom and you miss being single. This sudden need for freedom will fire up your wife’s fear of loss receptors and get her focused back on you.

— Start exercising and focusing on your fitness. Get new clothes and wear fragrances. Your wife will notice the change in your behavior and new appearance and she’ll worry that you might have found another woman.

— Go on dates with other women. If your wife finds out, tell her you don’t see what the problem is, it’s not like she actually cares about you or the  relationship.

— Tell her that you’re going to go away on holiday for a while. You’re not sure if you can speak to her when you’re away too. Your wife will wonder if you’re going alone and she’ll wonder if you’re going to meet someone else. Keep your answers vague and let anxiety and space work to your advantage here.

*You must implement all of these strategies without apology and without guilt so your actions appear genuine and authentic.

If your wife has emotionally checked-out of the relationship and no longer respects you, dread is one of the best ways to recapture her interest and get her to give the marriage one last shot.

The introduction of dread into the relationship is incredibly effective and powerful when it comes to rebuilding attraction, though some rightfully question its moral and ethical use. 

You must use your own judgement to decide how much dread is appropriate in this situation to recapture your wife’s interest.

It’s a sad truth that women often only appreciate a relationship when it's over. This is why there is no harm giving her a taste of finality if it can save your marriage and make her appreciate you again.

All too often, a man must use the elements of scarcity and unavailability to induce a sense of loss to wake his wife up and recapture her attention.

This is especially true if your wife is focused on someone else, or you’re dealing with a situation like walkaway wife syndrome. 

In short, walkaway wife syndrome is when a woman emotionally checked out of the relationship years ago. These "walkaway wives" are simply waiting for the perfect time to leave the relationship, either when the children are old enough or she meets another man.

If you’re dealing with a walkaway wife, the worst thing you can do is try to beg her to come back. Doing so will only make you look more pathetic in her eyes.

Before you implement any of the above strategies, you must understand why your wife cheated on you in the first place? Were you too nice or were you too distant? 

If you were too distant, unavailable and cold, you must try to close the distance between you and your wife by opening up to her again, bringing love and tenderness back into the relationship.

Note: a lot of men, especially nice guys, think they were too cold and distant in the relationship. Often, this is not true. Don’t assume that just because your wife said you were distant and unloving that her words are gospel truth. If you genuinely care for your wife and love her, your behavior in the relationship will reflect this.

If, after all this, your wife still wants to leave, you must seek legal advice from a good divorce lawyer. Separation usually means divorce, and divorce means the division of assets and custody arrangements. 

In order to get the best deal for you (and your children), you need to have evidence that your wife was the one who cheated in the relationship and she betrayed your trust. 

Seek legal counsel and get sound legal advice before you proceed any further.

Your Wife Wants To Stay

If your wife wants to work things out, you must make a hard decision. Can you forgive her for cheating on you and move forward in the relationship?

Or will your anger and frustration at the thought of her betrayal stop you from moving on? If your wife wants to work things out, you need to make sure she won't cheat on you again.

She must cut all contact with her lover and stop cheating on you immediately. Your wife must realize that if she cheats on you again, this is a deal breaker and you will walk away from the relationship for good.

At this point you might be tempted to get counseling to try and “fix” the relationship. There are some dangers to this approach. Don’t assume that marriage counseling will fix the problems between you. 

A study published in the journal American Psychologist found that marriage therapy is one the least effective forms of therapy when compared to other forms of therapy.

Often, you will deal with a therapist who is biased (this is particularly true if the therapist is a woman and she relates better to your wife’s emotional troubles than she does to you).

At other times, you will spend a lot of time talking about the relationship and digging up old problems from the past. Most of these discussion and conversations about the relationship will deteriorate into pointless, trivial arguments that go nowhere.

Remember, you can’t argue with a women through logic and reason. If your wife is unhappy, you can’t talk her into happiness again. Men argue with logic and reason, women argue with emotion. You cannot argue with emotion and expect to have a reasonable discussion.

Furthermore, talking endlessly about the relationship, revealing your feelings and emotions does little to rebuild attraction. In fact, it does the opposite: it kills attraction.

I see a lot of couples go to marriage counseling and come away worse off than they were before. If you’re going to go down the marriage counseling road, you both need to be on the same page.

And you both need to find a good quality therapist who can help you. A therapist who can remain unbiased throughout the counseling process.

Final Thoughts...

A cheating wife is often a devastating life event. If you're not careful, this is an event that can tarnish all your future relationships.

As hard as it is, try not to let one nasty event ruin your life and ruin how you see relationships and other people. Everyone is different, and everyone handles situations in different ways.

In this situation, give yourself some time to work through your feelings. If you can't let go of your anger and pain, I strongly suggest you leave your wife and start fresh. This is often the best solution.

If you can find forgiveness in your heart and genuinely want to save the relationship (not just keep your wife around to punish her), look within...

See where you went wrong in the past. Did you kill attraction? Were you acting in a way that was unattractive? Were you distant? Were you abusive?

Going forward, you should take immediate steps to correct your behavior so you can build a solid, loving relationship with your wife. Like all difficult situations, if you remain positive, this event offers a tremendous growth opportunity, whichever direction you choose to take.

[chriscanwell]

If your wife wants to leave you, or has threatened to leave you, it is possible to change her mind. This all starts by changing your behavior and the way you interact with her.

Keep in mind, two-thirds of divorces are initiated by women (walkaway wife syndrome). It's a crazy statistic. So first, we need to understand why this happens.

5 Reasons Your Wife Wants to Leave

You turned her off

You're relationship focused

You're needy and clingy

You're boring and predictable

You're acting feminine as opposed to masculine

Before we get into the details on how to change her mind about leaving you, let's take a look at an email from a reader who is experiencing this problem.

My wife wants to leave me. I noticed that I was very complacent the last few months leading to her distancing herself from me. I was too focused on college and work and not her and she was she was not satisfied in the relationship because I was too busy for her.

You have my deepest sympathies. It is my experience, that a woman’s emotions are like a black hole. You can never satisfy them and they always want more—more emotional support, more time, more investment, more attention. It’s exhausting and never-ending. It’s easy to give more when you have plenty of time and energy (i.e., not distracted by college and work), but it’s very difficult to maintain over the long-run, especially when you’re tired and have other things going on in your life.

Fast forward she got involved with an old college friend who is also divorced. However, she denies it to me and won’t admit. We still spend days together but she will not recommit. I also find her texting this guy while we are out spending time with our daughter. I sometimes become needy and I beg her to take me back. 

At least you understand where you’re going wrong in this situation. You see that you have begged and tried to plead to get her back, and that is a natural response. Only this time you need to use a different strategy. Remember, if you keep on doing what you’ve been doing, you’ll get what you’ve always got. In other words, it is your current behavior that has lead you to this situation where your wife wants to leave you.

I've done no contact and it works but after a day or two she is blowing up my phone calling me and using our daughter as a weapon against me.

No contact definitely works and is good to apply in a situation like this, but you have to apply no contact the right way. You need to be strong here and don’t let her use your daughter as bait, otherwise, if she knows she can get to you this way she will keep on using this strategy.

Two weeks ago she called me five times in a row and threatened to show up to my job. This was after doing no contact for 3 days. 

This doesn’t sound like the actions of a woman who is truly ready to leave you and move on to a relationship with someone else. She’s blowing up your phone and threatening you with your daughter the moment you pull away from her? No, she’s not at the point where she will leave you yet. However, we will get into the reasons why your wife wants to leave you (or says she does).

How can I get my wife back? She wants to go to the beach tomorrow but won’t become intimate with me. As of yesterday after spending the week together she asked for space.

Take Control of the Situation

The first thing to do when you want to stop your wife from leaving you is to take control of the situation. At the moment, she is the one in the driver seat. 

She is calling all the shots and she is the one who is threatening to leave. In other words, she has all the power in the relationship and is using her leverage against you.

I actually don’t buy it when she says that you weren’t there for her and weren’t supportive of her.

You don’t have the demeanor of a man who is neglectful or uninterested in his wife–most husbands do care and want to fix the relationship.

I think this all boils down to two things: your attitude around her and her losing attraction for you. These two issues go hand-in-hand.

First the issue of why your wife lost attraction for you and said that she wants to leave you.

In any relationship, attraction comes first and this is followed by love. However, attraction and love are two separate entities.

Attraction, as I mention in my book Atomic Attraction, grows in uncertainty, anxiety and tension—all the uncomfortable emotions that we don’t like dealing with.

Love is different to attraction. Love is a safe, warm, comfortable feeling. It’s the polar opposite of attraction. 

Now, as I mentioned, attraction is the first thing to come into the relationship, and it’s also the first thing to leave a relationship.

Your wife can still love you, but if she’s lost attraction for you, then it won’t be long before her desire to stay in the relationship with you also leaves and she starts actually vocalizing her discontent.

So, in the case where your wife wants to leave you, you have to rebuild attraction—that is your number one priority.

This leads us back to the point about attitude. You must present the right attitude in this situation to handle the situation the right way.

Remember, women are reactive, emotional creatures. She feeds off your behavior and responds to your attitude.

If you make her feel attracted to you, she will respond to you in a positive way.

If your actions turn her off, then she will be disrespectful, lose interest, and ultimately she will pull away from you.

Why She Wants to Leave

So, we now need to cover the reasons why your wife says she wants to leave you and why she is losing attraction for you:

1) Your behavior has become predictable and routine. In other words, you’re no longer a mystery or a challenge and you’re too available.

Believe it or not, you still have to retain the elements of mystery and challenge even if you’re in a long-term marriage with a woman.

It’s hard, but it’s possible to do this by taking the focus off the relationship and putting it onto yourself. 

2) You’re constantly talking about your feelings and the relationship.

Worried about the relationship and your wife’s lack of interest? Don’t feel the need to talk it out with her because this will, counter-intuitively, kill attraction.

Instead, it’s always better to let your actions speak for themselves as opposed to trying to talk your wife into attraction again.

3) If you’re needy and try to beg and plead with your wife to change her mind or give you a second chance, you will only push her away further.

Even though it feels natural to reason with her and try to “talk her into coming back” it’s the last thing you should do.

4) If you’re too focused on her and her emotional “ups and downs” then she won’t trust your emotional stability.

You have to focus on yourself and your mission as a man, which is about self-improvement and moving forward (through education, work, studies, business, health).

If you do this, she will feel as though she can trust you again and lean into you.

In other words, you must be her rock as her volatile female emotions swirl around you, you remain unmoved and unfazed by her behavior.

This allows her to feel your strength and masculinity which draws her back to you.

You have to avoid making these mistakes and be ruthless in your implementation. I know how hard this can be.

Women Respond to Feelings

All a woman cares about is how she’s feeling “in the moment.” It’s selfish and unfair, but this is the way they operate.

It doesn’t matter if you’re in a 3 month relationship or a twenty year marriage, women give little thought to all the honorable actions you did in the past. It’s how you behave right now that counts.

With this in mind, you must be fearless and ruthless when it comes to adjusting your behavior to the current situation without allowing your emotions to overcome you and derail you.

This brings us back to you getting what you want: your wife’s love and affection. This is possible and actually quite easy to do, but it does take a lot of strength and a change in your mindset to accomplish this.

Right now she is either in a relationship with this other divorced guy (or flirting with him via text). This means her attention has come off you and onto him. 

Why? Because he’s a new experience and he is interesting to her. This only happens when you turn your wife off to the point that she loses all interest in you.

Recapture Her Interest

So it’s time to spice things up a bit and bring some much needed sexual tension back into the relationship between the two of you.

In your situation, where your wife wants to leave you and she says she needs space, you have to give this to her and you have to enforce space.

She pulls away from you, you must pull away from her. You must mirror her emotions and actually encourage her to have space.

You must have the attitude that space would not only be good for her, it would be good for you too. Tell her that you need space too and time to do your own thing. 

Even if this is not what you want, it is what you need because it will allow you both to reset the relationship dynamic between you.

Remember, attraction grows in space, it doesn’t grow in close proximity.

Your wife isn’t feeling more attraction for you the more time she spends with you, it’s the opposite. 

She feels more attraction for you when she’s away from you because she has a chance to miss you and think about you.

This has two advantages: (1) it raises her attraction level for you, and (2) it brings her focus off this other guy and back onto you. 

Trust me, if you actively bring space into the relationship, she will put her focus back onto you.

However, if you don’t give her space and allow her to come back to you when she wants, she will feel as though she has complete power over you and she will continue to lose attraction for you.

Increase Your Value

A lot of this is a power play. If your wife feels as though she has more power and value in the relationship, she will lose respect for you.

Women want to feel as though they’re with a high value man who has more power and control than them.

They will test you on this and fight you for power, but they don’t want to win—they want you to prove you are the more high value person.

How do you prove this? Simple. You show her that you’re always prepared to walk away from her and mean it. 

Being able to walk away from your wife is the ultimate form of power. You can’t argue or negotiate with someone who has the ability to walk away. 

This is about your pride, self-respect and dignity here. It’s also your ONLY way to save this relationship from falling into ruin.

You can get your wife's attraction, love and respect back, but you need to implement the following strategy and stick with it, even if your wife threatens to leave you.

Steps to Re-Attract her

1) Tell her you love her and appreciate her as a person. You don’t want her to leave, but if that’s what she wants she can.

Tell her you would rather be with someone who loves you and respects you than try to stay with someone who doesn’t care about the relationship.

2) Don’t get dragged into any arguments or try to defend yourself with logic and reason.

It doesn’t matter if you are the most skilled negotiator in the world, you can’t argue with a woman and win because women argue with emotion as opposed to logic.

3) Tell her you think that space is a good idea and you want space too to collect your thoughts and focus on the things that are important to you.

You don’t need to go into any long explanations here, keep it short and simple. If you can move out of the house for a while or get space away from her by staying with a friend or family member do this.

4) Tell her that you’re prepared to work on the relationship for the sake of your family, but if she crosses the line and actually starts a relationship with someone else, you’re walking.

You must mean this and be prepared to back up your actions with words.

5) Don’t message her or call her. She must be the one to initiate all messages and phone calls.

6) Keep the interactions with her as light and as fun as possible. Don’t talk about the relationship and the problems you are both having, she must be the one to bring this up.

If your wife wants to leave, you must show her that you aren’t relationship focused and that you are starting to put your interest elsewhere.

Hard, I know, after you are married to someone, but it is necessary. Instead, try to inject as must lightness and humor into the situation as you can.

7) Don’t seek out her touch or try to get intimate with her anymore. She must be the one to seek out you for intimacy and affection.

Show her that you don’t need her for that anymore. She will wonder why you have changed and she will feel an urgent need to close the distance between the two of you again.

Again, you must be ruthless in your implementation here. If you implement this strategy, your wife won’t leave you, but you need to stick to the plan and don’t break it.

How to Deal with Kickback

You can see that no contact works, the proof is in the pudding. It’s just a question of sticking to the plan with ruthless precision. 

Once you implement this strategy, expect some kickback from your wife. Here is the best way to counter these reactions and initiate resistance:

1) She threatens to leave you and take the children. You must be prepared to call her bluff here.

Tell her that’s fine because I will fight you for custody in the courts, but I’m not prepared to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love me.

If you can do this, you demonstrate tremendous control over yourself and the situation and raise your value exponentially.

Note: Seek legal advice from a good divorce lawyer where you live. Collect evidence and keep records of text messages and phone calls (record conversations if legally allowed) between the two of you. Anything that will back you up and help you in court (if things go south) will save you a lot of trouble down the line.

2) She calls you and tells you that she doesn’t want space anymore. She wants to try and fix things between the two of you.

That sounds nice doesn’t it? But don’t make it too easy for her too soon. I’ve seen lots of guys fall into this trap time and time again.

Instead, tell her that you also need space and time to work things out in your head.

Limit the amount of time you see her and speak to her. If you were at 100% before, bring it down to 50%.

At the first sign of disrespect, or if she says she wants to leave you again, pull away and go back to no contact.

3) She tries to blame you for the failure of the relationship. This is a classic response.

If your wife wants to leave you (or says she does), there’s a good chance she’ll put the blame on you.

You weren’t there, you didn’t pay enough attention to her, you were emotionally abusive, you worked too much, etc.

Whatever you do, don’t apologize and don’t accept what she says as truth.

Instead, throw it back on her and tell her: “I want this relationship to work, it’s you who wants out so don’t put this on me.”

If she continues to blame you, don’t even try to engage her in an argument simply tell her, “You want to see indifference and a lack of care? You got it babe.” then walk away or put the phone down.

Show her that no matter what she throws at you, you can’t be phased. 

Behavior Determines Outcome

This is going to be tough to implement because it means overcoming a lot of emotion and acting in a way that is counter-intuitive. But this is an important growth opportunity for you.

You will grow stronger from this incident and if you implement this the right way and adjust your behavior (recorrecting the masculine/feminine polarity between the two of you), your relationship will be stronger and better for it.

As a side note, it’s important to treat your wife like your girlfriend to keep the flames of attraction alive.

It doesn’t matter if you have kids or she’s your wife. You must treat her like your girl, your babe, your lover, your girlfriend. 

Keep the relationship fun and light and playful. Don’t spend all your time on her. Make her crave your presence and miss you (just like she used to in the beginning when you first started dating). 

Actively bring space back into the relationship too to super-charge attraction and bring her focus back onto you. Remember, men are supposed to be mission focused, not relationship focused.

It’s your job as a man to create things (create opportunity, create prosperity, create safety, create business, create innovation, create a good life).

It’s her job to focus on the relationship and provide a nurturing environment for family to prosper.

And while you maintain a level of sweetness and tenderness towards your wife, never be prepared to put up with nonsense and disrespectful behavior.

You must be prepared to walk away and mean it. Do this, and your wife won’t leave you.