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chrissybbbskr · 6 months ago

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Just Get the Tampons, Will

Note: The original link was giving me trouble, and I think it's because it's a reblog, so I'm making an original post just to link.

No disrespect to PD but I just really wanted Will to get the tampons.

So I wrote it.

Here you go. It’s not heavily edited, written in 3rd person POV, and meant to give you a laugh. I hope it gives you a laugh.

“Guys, shut up, my wife’s calling,” Will announced to the still rowdy car. Smiling despite it, he slid his thumb across the screen and hit the speaker button in a fluid motion. “Hey babe, you’re on speaker,”

“Can I not be?”

Three pairs of eyes slid his way; Damon from his left, Michael from the rearview mirror, and Kai rotating around from the front passenger seat, each with a salacious gleam. Grinning, Will turned toward his window and dropped his voice. “Why? You got a secret you wanna tell me?”

His wife huffed. “Not like there’s any secrets in this family anyway. Can you pick me up some tampons on your way back into town?”

The scandalous vibe of the group immediately dissipated in the face of real world responsibilities. Will shifted to check the clock on the dash - nearly midnight. They had finished up some meetings in Meridian and stayed for a late dinner before starting back to Thunder Bay. “You’re out?”

“I had a box, but our son thought they looked fun ‘growing’ in the toilet water. The pharmacy here’s already closed, not that they carry my brand anyway.”

“I’ll call Banks,” Kai offered from the front, already pulling out his phone. “Maybe she can run some over.”

“Thanks, but she uses a different kind.”

Will scrunched his face. “Does it really matter?”

“Do you have a favorite condom brand?”

The only sound that could be heard in the car was the low music as each man considered the question. None volunteered an answer.

“Thought so.” He could hear her smugness on the phone and imagined that look she got when she knew she was right. He had to remind himself his wife probably wasn’t up for sexting now, given her physical state. Though he had heard that organisms help with cramps, so maybe…

“So, can I count on you or am I free bleeding in your bed tonight?”

Will blanched at the idea. Michael was already hitting the freeway exit. “You can count on me,” he said, not at all excited about it. “Send a picture?”

A few minutes later, Michael pulled into the empty parking lot of a 24-hour pharmacy. “Thank god,” Will muttered, opening the door and stepping out. “Wish me luck.”

“Embarrassed?” Kai asked, laughing to himself.

“Nah,” Will lied. As much as he loved sharing everything with Em, he loved her even more for keeping that part of her life to herself. She even promised to handle The Talk with the girls when they were old enough. He was only slightly concerned that Indie was getting close to that age. What was next? Bras? Boys?

His mind pulled hard left away from that thought.

How did Michael do it? They only had Athos for a few years before she was a teenager. He felt like it was going by all too quickly, and couldn't imagine how Michael handled it.

On the other side of Michael’s Land Rover, Damon stepped out. “You’re going too?” the driver called in disbelief.

“And miss this moron wandering around the Pink aisle?”

Will rolled his eyes and swung the door shut behind him. He made it five feet before he heard all three doors shut and shook his head. “You guys’ suck balls.”

The four men strutted into the pharmacy the same way they strutted to face any opponent, with confidence and swagger. Once inside the door, they came to an immediate stop, unclear of where to go next. The bright florescent lights spanned across the ceiling of the large store, shining down on the many, many aisles.

“Where would they be? Near the medicine?” Will asked.

“She’s not sick, dipshit,” Damon said.

“Well, I don’t know!”

“We should ask,” Kai reasoned.

“I’m not asking.”

“Either ask or I leave you here,” Michael told him. “I want to see my wife tonight.”

Will grumbled, grabbing a cart and heading farther into the store. His eyes swung from side to side, looking for any sign that he was nearing his target or a store employee. He hoped for the former.

He found the latter.

A young girl stocking the bottom shelves of the paper goods section. Brown flyaway hair that had parted from her ponytail stuck fell around her face. She looked fourteen. A wire ran from her back pocket to one of her ears, muffled music playing as she focused on her task. He hated himself.

“Uh, hey,” he said from the end of the aisle. She jumped, dropping the 12 pack of extra-large toilet paper rolls. Quickly, she pulled the headphones from her ear. “Sorry,” he offered weakly. Clearing his throat, he continued, “Uh. Where are the, uh…”

Exhausted and not nearly as entertained as he thought he’d be, Damon interjected. “Where’s the girly shit.”

“The what?”

“You know, the shit girls use.”

She blinked, eyebrows drawn in confusion and probably fear. At nearly forty and with five children, Damon still had that effect on people. “Make-up?”

Will could feel Damon’s irritation twisting at his side. “Tampons!” He shouted to cut his friend off. “I need tampons.”

Michael and Kai tried not to be obvious with their laughter, hiding behind their hands, but Will could still hear them at his back.

“Oh,” the girl gasped, but then she gathered herself. She pointed deeper into the store. “Three rows down, on your right.”

Will nodded, looking to where she was pointing. “Thanks.” He pushed the cart. He didn’t even know why he had the cart, other than it was giving him something to grip. How many boxes was he going to need? He should have asked. He pulled his phone out, checking to see if Em had sent that picture.

Nothing. He sent a question mark, hoping for the best.

Behind him, Kai said, “You really shouldn’t be listening to music if you can’t hear the door. Anyone could come in.”

“Move it along,” Damon called. “You can’t be everyone’s hero.”

Will found the aisle just where the girl said it would be and walked in. He scanned the shelves, looking for something that was familiar. He’d seen the box below the sink a hundred times. It sat right next to… her face wash? Mouth wash? Extra toothpaste? He really needed to pay more attention.

Was it a pink box? Nearly every box was pink. Some were black. Who were those for? Did she want the pretty one with the nice applicator or - what was super? Super meant better, right?

He checked his phone again. Still no picture.

“What’s the hold up?” Michael asked. He seemed to be avoiding looking at the boxes all together.

Will shook his phone. “No picture.”

Kai picked up a random box. “Reusable? How- “ he flipped it over. “It’s a cup?”

Michael cleared his throat, casting his eyes to the box in his friend’s hands. “I heard Rika and the kid talking about that. Apparently, it’s better for the environment.”

“Athos uses it?” Will asked, grabbing a second box. “Is that healthy?”

“Says it last ten years,” Kai read aloud. “Medical grade silicone. I wonder if Banks would like it.”

Damon grabbed the box from Kai’s hands, ignoring the glare he received. He tossed it into the cart, along with five others that were on the shelf. “Decision made.”

“Hold up,” Will said, “I don’t even know if that’s what Emmy wants.”

“It’s good for the environment and is reusable so we never have to do this again. What’s there to consider.”

“Um, what my wife wants,” Will argued. “What if it’s not comfortable? What if it doesn’t work for her?”

Damon motioned to Michael. “Call Athos and get the details.”

The three men looked at him like he was insane – which, considering…

Michael scoffed. “It’s past midnight. She’ll be sleeping.”

Damon arched a brow. “Did you sleep you’re first week at college?”

Michael pulled out his phone, ignoring the way his friends laughed. Holding it out, he waited as it rang and rang, silently daring her to not answer.

“Dad?” Athos questioned on answer, a note of curiosity, but not sleep, in her voice.

“Do you use a – what’s it called?” he asked the guys.

“A menstrual cup,” Kai finished.

There was a beat of silence from the phone, before a whispered, “It’s never what I think it’s going to be.” Raising her voice, she answered, “Yeah, and how do you even know what that is?”

Will took the phone from Michael. “Is it comfortable?”

Athos laughed. “Is this for you, or someone else?”

“It’s for Em.”

“Then shouldn’t I be talking to her?”

“This is an emergency.”

“A menstrual cup emergency?”

Damon snatched Michael’s phone from Will. “Listen, you little brat,”

“No, you listen, you werido,” Athos broke in, still laughing, “Don’t get her anything she doesn’t already use.”

“I don’t know what she uses,” Will shouted at the phone. Then his eyes diverted to the end of the aisle. A second later, his friends did the same.

The employee stood at the end, the cart of items left to be stocked next to her, staring at them in bewilderment. Will could only imagine how they must have looked to her; four grown men arguing over tampons and cups at a quarter past midnight.

“Hey, little girl,” Damon taunted, “you wannna help us?”

“Oh my god, Uncle D!” Athos’ voice rang from the device in his hand. “You can’t say things like that to people.”

Damon hung up on her, tossing the phone back to Michael, who was only thankful he still had the reflexes to grab it mid-air. He started towards the end of the aisle, to the girl, but was pushed back by a hand on his chest.

“Ignore him,” Kai said, stepping in front of Damon. “He’s unstable. We’re working on the proper combination of meds, but until then-“ Kai lifted a shoulder as if to say, What can you do?

“Okay,” the girl answered, not giving away how she felt about Kai’s explanation. Damon suspected she might be too stupid to have processed what he said. Then she stepped forward, motioning toward the shelf. “Did you need help?”

The men paused, staring at her. She really did look young, her face round, eyes big and brown. She was small too. “Is it even legal for you to be working this late?” Michael asked, suspicious.

She nodded slowly. “I’m nineteen.”

“Oh,” Will said as they all immediately relaxed. The last thing he wanted to do was talk to some young kid about period stuff. Honestly, this is the first thing that had gone right all night in his book. “Great. Then, yeah. I need tampons for my wife, and I don’t know what I’m looking at.”

“Do you know what size she needs?”

Four gazes landed on back her. “There’s different sizes?” Kai inquired with astonishment.

They spent the next half-hour quizzing the girl who proved to be a wealth of knowledge. She gave the menstrual cups a glowing review, assuring Will that his wife would be happy with it, but also recommended a variety box of tampons that she pieced together was Em’s usual picked based on what Will could finally remember once he stopped panicking.

“What’s this one?” Damon said, pulling another box off for her.

“That’s a disk,” the girl said. “It’s similar to a cup, except you can have sex with it in, so there’s no blood.”

Kai looked over boxes, inspecting the difference from the one he was already holding. “Really?”

“Afraid of a little mess, Kai?”

“My sheets are expensive,” Kai responded, not bothering to feed into his goading, and tossed a few of the new products into the cart.

Feeling like he’d done his due diligence as husband of one Emory Grayson, mother of his children and woman who warmed his bed each night, Will pushed the cart to the front. Not only had he taken the girl's advice, but he filled the cart with everything in the aisle that had piqued his interest. His girl would be well stocked, and the aisle was a little less intimidating at the end of it all.

Tapping his card against the reader, he looked at the angel in disguise sent to save him. She looked tired but hadn’t given any indication she wasn’t happy to help. “You like the night shift?”

She shrugged. “I’d prefer morning so I can do want I’d like with my nights, but the manager gives those to his favorites.”

“And you’re not?”

She smiled, her eyes slanting in a way that communicated a deeper message. “I’m a bit of a troublemaker. Don’t always do things by the book.”

Will grinned, feeling like he knew exactly what she was talking about. He liked her, he decided. “Well, my friend, have a good night.”

Things usually worked out for his friends. One way or another.

–

The horsemen get the girl her morning shifts (cause in my head they occasionally use their influence and amassed power to do nice things for people they like).

Emory thought she hit send on the picture and fell asleep. She was very happy to wake up to not only the right brand of tampons, but the cup, since she wanted to try it. She was also impressed he did it without the picture… until the boys ratted him out.

Damon makes sure all the women have multiple cups so they don’t have to worry about cleaning it right away.

Kai still invests in the whatever cup he picked. I don’t know. It’s probably women owned, though.

Rika got a very confusing phone call from Athos the next day, but it made sense eventually. She had a good laugh at Will and then made sure the boys knew they couldn’t just go around asking people what products they use.

Michael’s just happy it’s over.

Thank you for reading! As always, likes, reblogs, and comments are appreciated and welcomed.

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