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christianmarkchristian · 7 years ago

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N A K E D in H O L L Y W O O D

my autobiography, to be published daily or weekly, AS IT IS WRITTEN.

BEYOND SELF PUBLISHING: this is a 100% OPEN BOOK PROJECT

-where I publish (share) AS (not after) I write, allowing readers to experience not just an autobiography but the experience of WRITING the autobiograpy as well.

on TUMBLR will be the BOOK in progress and eventualy, finished.

on FACEBOOK will be daily or weekly chapters/installments.

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PART 1

WHY WRITE AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY? Of course, its about the life of Christian Mark Christian but I intend to go into deeper themes as well:

1. God. If you are averse to God or Judaeo-Christian concepts about God, I hope you will not be “put off” by occasional references I will have to make in the course of remembering my life. My plan is not to be IN YOUR FACE about God but spiritual seeking has always been a huge part of my life and to omit this part would be to make the whole story a big lie.

2. VALUE - how we value our lives and our identity is critical to me and my development as a man. There is a fine line between thinking we are “so great that someone needs to write a book about us” and “our lives dont matter.” I have struggled GREATLY my whole life with feelings that my life isnt important, that I dont matter, that Ive been rejected and abandoned. Writing this will be the greatest therapy I can imagine. Writing this is telling myself, reminding myself, that I AM IMPORTANT and SO ARE YOU.

3. Autobiography in the age of Interactivity. I’m not sure how many projects like this have been published online or in print but the thought occured to me that an autobiography can be, for the first time in history, more than a “book;” it can be an interactive EXPERIENCE. I can include links in my writing that take the reder to the places I am referencing.

4. “To know is to love.” Honestly one thing that has always frustrated and disappointed me is that I feel like many or even MOST people “dont get me.”

Too often I hear the word “weird” to describe me, when I would prefer to hear “unique” or “unusual.” I really am not even a fan of the word “eccentric.”

Was Steve Jobs “weird?” Was Van Gogh “weird.”? Is Elon Musk “weird?”

My feeling is that “weird” is considered a negative connotation or description, one I do not want and one that is hurtful when used to describe me. I dont feel like anyone who really knows me would ever call me “weird.” So,one huge function of this book is to eradicate the word “weird” as a description of Christian Mark Christian, once and for all and replace it with UNIQUE or RARE.

Yeah, through no choice of my own, I’ve endured some things that are not typical of most lives.

My dad’s suicide and that, co-inciding with the loss, at the same time, (divorce) of my Step-Dad.

Millions have lost a Dad or a step dad through divorce or suicide but not as many have suffered both losses in the same year.

Genius level IQ at age 7.

Grew up around the world.

Shared a 2-bedroom apartment with my Mom, until I got married at age 44.

Living with my ex-wife in an apartment in Hollywood, in an effort to heal and reconcile.

Yeah-these are not typical of todays American “man”. I’m not “proud” of these things; nor am I ashamed of these things; I never planned on my life going the way it did.

Regardless-when I became a Christian, at age 36,when I was “Born again,” I Iearned that God (if you choose to believe) “makes all things new” and “uses everything-even negative things, for eventual and ultimate good.”

Regardless of the pain and tragedy I’d experienced, I was taught that it would all be used in a positive way, in time.

Maybe this BOOK is that “positive way.” Maybe some who can relate will get a degree of emotional healing by reading; thats certainly my hope.

But “to know is to Love.” I feel confident that many of my friends, in reading this book, will get to know me much better and in that, will be able to love me more. And who doesnt want to be loved.... and loved some more?

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part I

I was a second and final son, born seven years after my brother, into a USAF family, in Altus, Oklahoma. WWII was far enough behind but had left scars on my pilot Dad's psyche.

James (Jim) Charles Ralph, my Dad, dreamed of being an artist/illustrator for Foote, Cone & Belding, a top advertising agency. His creative dreams were cut short when the US let go of an isolationist foreign policy, geared up for war and he was drafted as a 19 year old, into the skies over his ancestral homeland (Germany.)

As I understand it, Pearl Harbor "woke" us to the need to become involved again in foreign wars. Isolationist foreign policy would become a relic of the past; we quickly entered a war on several continents.

Dad had grown up in Glendale, CA. a suburb that has since become a major Armenian cultural enclave in L.A. Ironic that I sit here typing this around eighty years later--a few miles west in another little enclave (part of Hollywood) officially called "Little Armenia." It really shows me that the themes and threads and patterns of life are stronger than we might think. In my case, I’ve been told that the Apple hasnt fallen far from the tree.”

Armenia was, historically, the first place in the world where the name "Christian" was used to denote a follower of Christ. My primary care physician is Armenian and I am friends with several Armenians, so there seems to be a connection here, maybe one that will be explored in more depth as I write this...

-or maybe not.

The marriage was tempestuous. Jim, returning from the war and stationed at McDill AFB in Tampa, was driving a convertible and, the story goes, saw my Mom, Terry-a pretty young teen who modeled fashions for a local Department store. He was a handsome "flyer" or "Airman" and she fell for him, unaware of a Church background that would eventually drive a wedge between her his family.

My paternal Grandmother, Carolyn Care, was a devout "Christian Scientist” as my Aunt still is, at age 90-something.

She would insist that my Mom, who was a typical American mainstream Protestant Christian, submit to her and the Churches doctrine. "Science" is about the idea that all things are merely the projection of "mind" and that evil or sickness cant exist unless we agree with it and "project" it (wrongful thinking) on ourselves. I always questioned this growing up. Even at a young age, I sensed something about it I had trouble with. Later, as an adult who accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior through various “Word of Faith” ministries, I saw that there was at least partial truths in “Science” even though I still could not follow Mary Baker Eddy’s doctrine in it’s entirety.

Apparently, several months pregnant with me, my Mom contracted pnuemonia or a similar ailment. Carolyn insisted that Terry not see the physician at the Altus Air Force base hospital but turn to a "Christian Science" practitioner instead. Rebelling finally, my Mom went to see the doctor at the base. He supposedly told her that, had she waited even another day, she might have lost the baby (me.)

Only a few years later, at a Base in San Antonio, Texas, the troubled marriage fell apart with my Mom falling in love with my Pediatrician. I had asthma, most likely something that was brought on by the stress of my parents troubled marriage and she routinely brought me to see him at the base. Regardless of whether I chose to make these things a focus or no

t, they did shape who I choose to be today. I was raised from age 6-7 to 18, by a Pediatrician step-Dad (with my Mom) but my Paternal families Christian Science also had a strong influence on my thinking.

It was an incredible duality and one I'm doubtful that many (or any?) others have experienced: a parental control and influence struggle between the ideals of Big pharm/modern medicine and "christian science," between the medical establishment and the "alternative healing" movements that originated in Christian metaphysical camps in19th century America.

Today, Health Care is probably the biggest debate in America. And the debate rages around the same two poles- alternative healing vs traditional medicine. Having deep experiential knowledge of both, puts me in a very unique position. Seeking, finding and practicing right doctrine ("righteousness") is central to my life and you can see why: wrong doctrine might have aborted me before I was born. RIght doctrine might have saved my life. The truth about God, his Love and his healing power, is not just "armchair theology" or something I engage in on special Holidays; its always at the core of every decision I make, every day of my life.

PART II

After surviving my Moms sickness and coming into this world as "Mark James Ralph," my first memory of infancy comes from our two story home in Cambridge, UK. where we moved when I was about 2?

My Dad was stationed at Alconbury AFB, about 25 miles away from Cambridge. I actually remember climbing out of my 2nd floor crib and crawling down the stairs, into the living area where my parents and 8 or 9 yr old brother were gathered!

Eventually I started walking and my best friend, a Brit, Andrew lived across the street.

We lived near open land where some Cows lived. I remember a Harvester machine that was called a “Combine” for some reason that I dont know. I guess seeing it up close-the machinery, the complexity, the sheer power. The blades and the wheat being “threshed”. -All biblical themes, impressed me greatly...

We lived in a suburb of Cambridge, near some farmland and near a stand of trees called "the woods."

My first "naked" (sexual) experiences were in Cambridge. I saw a male cow on the other side of the fence I was standing by, attempting to mate, jump up on top of a female cow. I was only a few feet away, on the other side of the fence--what the male cow did was so sudden, so unexpected and seemed -I dont have the word for it- not "brutal" (because it was "love" but invloved thousands of pounds of weight and muscle that could have killed a small child had I been involved!) but maybe just “alarming.” I was only about 4 or 5.

Now I’m going to bring up some very personal, private things that most people only reveal to their therapist. They may or may not end up in the final edit however I feel obligated, because of the name of the book-obligated to include them here...

I also initiated a "curious" childhood intimate encounter with Andrew in my bathroom at that time. I mention this only to bring up the topic of gay indocrination. I have no idea why, to this day but this "gay" encounter did not result in my growing up gay.

A few years later, in Wichita Falls, Texas, I initiated another "curious" encounter with a girl my age. We knelt down beside the wheel well of a car in the parking lot of our Apt complex, "TheTimbers" in the dark, at night, where I lifted her skirt to investigate her private parts.

She seemed to go along with it; at least there were no protests, as there had been none with Andrew. Apparently, I preferred the "female" more than the male because I never again had a sexual encounter with a male. Interesting that I remember Andrews name but not the girls name! Is this kind of thing just wired into our DNA? I think so.

I'm not sure what this says about the "born gay" issue but there it is... The result (I think) of these encounters, was this: even as a very young child, I had strong sexual urges which I had no trouble acting on when the opportunity arose. I dont remember sexual feelings ever becoming obsessive ( a good thing) but they were for sure there.

On another note, I remember walking off with Andrew (I think) into the local "woods." Woods is a cool name that has returned as the Church (M O S A I C) I attend locally uses the word in place of "Hollywood." They have several Campuses and use the term "The Woods" for the Hollywood Campus.

Andrew and I apparently, around age 4-5? decided to go on a hike into the woods one day, without telling anyone. My parents (not sure about his) were pretty upset. When I returned, they were happy I was safe. I never did anything so "adventurous" again. I think that was because I didnt want my parents to be so stressed.

I also remember a somewhat traumatic event around the time I was in my crib: my brother had caught a minnow, in a local stream. He had kept it in a jar aqaurium placed on my windowsill. The disturbing thing was that the fish jumped out of its "cage" (the jar) one day and out the window, falling two stories to its death on the concrete (or something hard) surface below.

By age 4 or 5, I had already seen and/or experienced both sex and death. Hollywood, here I (decades later) came.

Part III

Ahhh, England. I have such fond memories of the years I spent there as a child-truly formative years and I am so deeply thankful that my formative years were spent there. To my best recollection, I spent my 2nd, 3rd and 4th years in Cambridge.

When I began to speak (at a precocious young age) I spoke with an English accent. I remember my Mom dropping me off at "Shrubbery School" for the first time and the fear of abandonment I felt.I remember my first teacher, a wonderful Lady named "Mrs Clark" and how I related that to a candy bar that existed around that time, known as a "Clark Bar."

My Mom dropped my off in our English Sports car-I think it was red, a "Sunbeam Alpine." That car was shipped all the way to Texas eventually and my Mom kept it even through her divorcing my Dad. Cambridge was rich with experience and wonder. I cant imagine a more perfect place for my early years and it left a deep appreciation for Brits in my soul, still there to this day. I would go so far as to even call myself an "Anglophile."

At school, we memorized the multiplication tables and began to learn the alphabet-at age 4! When we moved to San Antonio, TX, -when I was five-the school system there wanted to place me in Kindergarten!

Thank god for the Mt Olive Lutheran School (off the 410 "loop") -where my parents eventually enrolled me. They were still not as advanced as Shrubbery School back in Cambridge, did but at least a better option than public schools.

My mind is flooded with lush beautiful imagery from Cambridge:

-my Mom riding horseback in the countryside with her Horse riding club

(and how later that might have played a factor in two girls I was attracted to and a novel "Diana" that affected me deeply in my teens)

-My brother Christopher playing "conker" with Chestnuts tied to sholeaces! (only the brits would devise a game like this!)

-My brother relating a Jaguar or some other sports car "flying" by his school at some increditble speed. The drama and awe with which he related this formed in me an early apprecation for fast cars,one which has continued to this day.

The "punts" on the Cam river and the gorgeous Colleges in Cambridge, that all seemed to be named after Jesus or Mary!

When I hear Christians acting as though the intellect isnt important now, I cringe. Cambridge was the birthplace of intellectualism and Christian thought. C.S. Lewis lived and worked there. Christianity is the most advanced culture of philosophy and Academic systems. The fact that atheism largely eradicated these roots in the 20th Century is a very sad thing indeed and something I hope my life can be part of reversing. For Centuries, being a Christian and being an intellectual, a thinker, were synonomous. While I appreciate experiential knowledge and mysticism, lets not throw out suc a glorious inheritance so easily.

."http://histclo.com/country/eng/pe/pe60johnsc.html

NOTES for more stories to come: 1. B-day in St Tropez, the large round tray of raosted nuts, possible topless female sunbathers. The back seat of the VW bug, winding through the mountains in South of France, then LifeCycling through the area as an adult working out "Spinning" Berchtesgarden, the Bus, the rock thrown down the cliff into the forest, the rock that broke something...My brother and the Jaguar going 100. Shrubbery School, the rubbish can, "conquer" nut game with chestnuts. My brothers weird hobby of using sewing kits to lower things out hotel windows, then later doing the same to recover bottle caps in San Antonio. The possibility of this project being a catalyst for restoring my relationship with my brother and even step-Dad. How God restores family. The "punts" on the river Cam, Wimpy Burges and Brits eating burgers with knife and fork. How I envisined "the states" and in my mind saw a Giant "steak. The pass-through window-a first architectural design feature. My first bike, how I copied Andrew and the bike had front wheel brakes, how we'd ride around the block. Snow, and my first snowman, snowball fights.going w my family into some woods where my Dad chopped down a Christmas tree. First Christmas's. Alconbury AFB, the hangar. I was impressed and it made my Dad look so cool. I felt bad that he had to drive 25 miles, that seemed so far. Our trips to London. FIsh & Chips. Sightseeing, the trains. The White cliffs of Dover. My favorite TV show about the creatures that lived on the banks fo the river.

Highlights of a life well and not so well, lived:

Lived in or visited: the UK, Germany, The Netherlands, Belgium, Texas, MS, NorCal, FLA, DC, Virginia, West VA, New Orleans, AZ, New Mexico, Austria, Switzerland, Denmark, France. HIGHLIGHTS:

Celebrated my 4th B-day in the South of France. Crossed the English Channel age, 12 on a Hover craft

Visited (Hitler’s lair in Berchtesgarden) age 4.

Visited Monticello (Jefferson’s home) age 4

Crossed the Atlantic in a commercial Airliner several times, aged 4-14.

Skied in the Swiss Alps and Lake Tahoe, age 10-12.

Lived in a Penthouse on the Rhine river, age 11-12.

Rode the train from Wiesbaden to Stuttgart, Germany age 12.

Visited Castles on the Rhine river, age 11-13.

Flew, as 10 yr old passenger, in a small Cessna, from San Diego to Tampa.

Rode or drove from the South or Texas, to CA, several times age 10-30’s.

Crossed the Pacific (Hawaii) as an adult.Vacationed in Maui, Palm Springs, Santa Barbara, Switzerland, The Netherlands, London, Paris.

Attended several F1 “Grand Prix” races around Europe and Long Beach, CA and Autosports events, age 8-12, Around America. Won several non-pro autosports trophies, age 20-22. Won #1 Singles (Tennis) MVP Trophy in High School, age 18.

Got to State Finals on HS Tennis team age 18.

Won several 1st place ribbons in Biloxi, MS Art Shows, age 17.

Was offered Art Scholarship to Ole Miss University, age 18.

Paid $5000 to write a Greek Comedy movie script (Middle Age)

Twice paid $5000 to paint oil portraits (Middle Age)

Starred in a Prime Time major News Network Reality Show (one episode) (Middle Age)

Enjoyed hundreds of hikes in Griffith Park and other local trails. (Middle Age)

Had two jobs as live-in Private Chef in a $1.5M luxury Homes (Middle Age) in the Hills, in L.A.

Was hired by Ben Affleck, given my own trailer and worked on an Oscar winning film (ARGO, as on-camera hand double/sketch artist) Middle Age. As a visionary: saw self driving cars, in 2002, mobile hands free phones in 1995, “Gravity” script, in the 1980’s, MTV music videos, at age 12, years before MTV, the Hyperloop in 1995. Written 12 feature film “spec” scripts (Young-Middle Age) Married 11 years, divorced and re-established financial trust with my ex wife, now close friends and writing partners with her. Have experienced total melt-down/destruction of a marriage and the total rebuilding of that friendship. Have been friends with a few celebs. (actors, singers) Partied in Hollywood clubs and luxury homes, all over Los Angeles, hundreds of times. 25--Middle age Attended numerous Pop Music or Rock concerts at almost every venue all over Los Angeles. Age 12-Middle Age Interviewed on a West L.A. Sound stage, along with 5 of my paintings, for a SHOWTIME 35 mm film doc on Marilyn Monroe that Premiered at the Palm Springs Int. Film Festival, age-30’sAttended the Premiere of that Film, in Palm Springs, where I enjoyed minor, fleeting celebrity status.My art appeared once, in PEOPLE magazine.

30’sI enjoyed backstage at a MOODY BLUES concert at Universal Amphitheater.

20’sI had a Publicist for my Art -30’s.

I’ve had front-row box seats at the Hollywood Bowl. Middle AgeI

met the Great-grandson of the founder of Hollywood. Middle age

I’ve visited or worked on, every major studio lot in Los Angeles and Hollywood. Young-Middle AgeI’ve enjoyed beaches in Maui, Los Angeles, Northern California, Mississippi, Florida and The Netherlands. 4-Middle Age I attempted to surf in Malibu. 20’s Been to Art Museums all over the world, including numerous visits to the Getty in Brentwood. 4-Middle Age Helped my architect brother flip homes many times in Los Angeles. 20’sDesigned many residences as an Architecture student/aspiring architect, in High School. Designed and contracted a hip, post-modern Silver Lake Laundry to Bathroom conversion, in budget. Middle Age Enjoyed hundreds of great shoulder/full body/foot massages Young-Middle age Swam in secluded pools on Maui -Middle AgeHad amazing revelatory spiritual experiences as a Christian 20’s-Middle Age. Attended/Worshipped Jesus at almost 20 different Church locations all over Los Angeles over 1000 times since 1993. Studied every major religion in depth 20’s-Middle Age. Sold almost 200 original paintings. 20’s Middle Age Had several one-man shows at Cacao, a popular West L.A. Coffee shop, owned by the Designer of iconic BigFoot Lodge in Atwater Village. 30’sCurated several group shows at Cacao. 30’s Participated in several ground breaking group show/parties at the infamous Black Cat Gallery in Mar Vista. Middle Age Been paid as: Photographer, Designer, Contractor, Writer, Musician, Oil Portraitist, Organizer and Chef. 12-Middle Age Worked on almost 200 professional movie, TV or commercial sets in a variety of positions. Middle Age Written, Directed and Produced several low budget short films and/or videos. Middle Age Created authentic food from many international cuisines. 30’s Middle Age Enjoyed about $5000-$10,000 in the finest restaurant cuisine in L.A., New Orleans, Germany, the Netherlands and France. 4-Middle age Briefly co-owned, with my then-wife, a catering company which catered several events. Middle Age Briefly co-owned, with a friend, a failed Hollywood event company. Middle Age.

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christianmarkchristian · 7 years ago

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Ahhh-the journey…what a long, strange trip its been. I sent a friend request to a random pretty face, (on facebook) on Oct 6, 2015.

“The Girl” accepted it the next day and we were off to the races. I quickly saw from her posts that she was troubled and reached out to her via PM. More than 20,000 PM’s and over a year later, we had built a relationship.

The question was: WHAT KIND of a relationship?

Was it a flirtationship- trusted friendship with an ex soft-core MexiKeltic porn star (”TrueTere”) or had some lonely woman...or MAN, stolen TrueTere’s pics and set up a fake profile?

Not long after I began chatting, she (or they?) became my MUSE and without doubt the most inspiring muse of my entire adult life. I would write, paint and create video content based on her. After a year, she had finally (in an answer to my suggestions and prayers?) entered a rehab.

I got my Passport and was searching for plane tickets to visit her in Merida, Mexico, where she said she lived. She had offered her Progreso beach house, for free but I would have an Airbnb, just in case…

Then it happened. Her PM response time slowed dramatically, instead of improving as one might think about a person in a rehab who had completed a month sober and without any communcation. You’d think at that point, her need for communicating with a trusted friend, with the one she’d inspired to create so much beauty, would be even more hungry for communication but instead, she failed to respond for two weeks.

I knew what to do. She had asked me not to post one particular piece of art I had done using an image of a much younger her. I was desperate and posted it on facebook, knowing I would get a response and sure enough, I did. She was angry and said I’d betrayed her trust. I agreed and apologized, admitting that I was desperate to get a text from her.

She unfriended me but every 6 months or so, I would send her a PM letting her know I still thought of her and still wanted to visit her.

Finally, in July 2018, 2 years and 9 months after she accepted my friendship, she (they?) BLOCKED me. What gives?

I am simply astounded by this persons face and the mystery. Her name “Terry” can be spelled out “MissTerry” and yes, she has been the greatest mystery as well as muse in my life.

They say “when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.” Wanna drink?

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christianmarkchristian · 7 years ago

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Girl Gone West

A Film is Born c h r i s t i a n c h r i s t i a n Mid 1990’s: 23 year old petite, sultry brunette Carole Bardwell, her 7th attempt to move to and stay in, L.A. having succeeded, meets Matt Damon & Ben Affleck at a dinner party, where the studly, rising Damon impregnates her... STOP What’s this? Yet another tabloid, #MeToo story of sexual assault? Another disgusting, obscene tale of lewd behavior, power, tears and woe?...another reason to boycott the annual Oscar Awards telecast? No. Quite the opposite. In fact, though such stories still abound (and always will) in Hollywood, its the opposite. Its a tale of incredible imagination. Its a story of people of faith, as well and it’s time that #wetoo “come out.” And about the Oscars: 99% of viewers might not understand why Oscar winners accept their award with weeping, joy and occasional bizarre behavior. As you read this story about the trials and travails of getting a movie made, you’ll get it. Granted, getting an independent film produced might not be as difficult as finding a cure for cancer...but close. This story records the unbelievable struggle of a married, then divorced couple to get a movie made. It’s dedicated to all people everywhere who have struggled or are struggling, to make a feature film. In fact, developing their project is one reason the couple is still close after divorce, sometimes even living together at times if it seemed good for the project. Regarding that... -a divorced couple living together was seen in 2012, as so unusual and even unhealthy, that a major cable news network actually cast the couple in what they pitched as a “News Doc” focusing on the phenomenon. After reading this, anyone should be able to understand why finally getting their movie made will be a cause for these two, to laugh, weep and dance with unbridled joy. An Oscar? Well that would be the possibly cause of a complete and total joy meltdown! And YES #WeToo can bring answers to the #MeToo problem but more about that later. Yes, Damon impregnated the beautiful young Ex-Texan not with human seed but with words, with the idea of a movie project. Damon had just finished a script inspired by his life called Good Will Hunting, a tale of breaking out of one’s own personal limitations, of the confines of “home” and going west to chase a girl and/or a dream. That tale went on to receive numerous nominations and awards. Here are just a few: Best Actor in a Supporting Role, Robin Williams. Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen Matt Damon & Ben Affleck. Best Picture Lawrence Bender. Best Actor in a Leading Role, Matt Damon. Best Actress in a Supporting Role, Minnie Driver. Best Director, Gus Van Sant. Best Film Editing, Pietro Scalia. Best Music, Original Song Elliott Smith For the song "Miss Misery,” Best Music, Original Dramatic Score, Danny Elfman. Back at our Melrose dinner party, hearing young Carole’s struggle to move to L.A. no less than seven times, Damon half jokingly (but really meaning it), says “write a movie about it” and “call it 7 Attempts to L.A.” Carole went home that night and within days, began writing on 4” x 5” Index cards. Without sufficient knowledge of how to write a script, though, or having script writing software or even a typewriter, her movie-pregnancy eventually dies. Yet that baby will be resurrected; not just once but over and over, during the course of the next twenty three+ years. Damon & Affleck will collect numerous awards, star in and produce numerous films and rise to Superstar status. Bardwell will marry, (this writer) change her name a few times, divorce (this writer) move about twelve times, to various suburbs around Hollywood (finally settling there.) She’ll survive twenty three years in an oft-times cruel industry, working as a professional hand model while dreaming of being a working actress and making her movie. 1999-2002 The first script-resurrection began with meeting this writer at a Hollywood Bible Study. Evangelist/Motivational speaker Tim Storey packed out the Bel Age Hotel Banquet room, just off the Sunset strip, with the best and brightest of gorgeous, hip, stylish Hollywood. Charlie Sheen, Christian Slater, Gary Busey and Dyan Cannon were regular or frequent attendees as was nightclub owner Brent Bolthouse. It was there that this writer met then-Carole Bardwell and began a life-long friendship that would center on at last birthing the script-baby. (or “the script, baby!) A few short years after meeting, Carole, then Carolyn, took this writers surname, Christian and became Carolyn Christian. In the very first year or two of marriage, the two got busy writing the first draft of the script 7 Attempts to L.A. But it wasn’t until they had been forced to move from their dream Brentwood apartment, due to insufficient income and ultra high rents, that more serious drafts were written. 2 0 0 5 In San Fernando, CA., taking up extra work and sharing the two bedroom condo of an Avid Video Editor friend, “JAKE” they moved into high gear and first began to look at the 3 act structural challenge that Carolyn’s biography posed. Christian had been taught three act structure basics by a student of a famous film writer and director. Act one is where obstacles are introduced and situations are “set up.” Act two is where they reach crisis mode and Act three is where everything is resolved, “payoffs” happen and the dragon is finally slain. The challenge was that the couple was living in Act two, with no Act three in sight. How does one write a true story that remains unfinished? How does a true story of two people doing extra work, struggling to keep a roof over their heads, end up with one, or both, winning an Oscar? At the advice of a then-talent manager, Carolyn enrolled in the prestigious Baron/Brown acting school in Santa Monica. One of her acting partners in class, a young man with a bright future, took his own life. Carolyn was moved to take up the cause again. The script would be about suicide prevention. Her story was one of persisting through terrible hardship, loss, depression and pain and yet winning victory in the end. Her faith taught her that if she would just persist, trusting God, breakthrough would eventually happen. She and her co- writer, then-husband, dreamed of audiences that would include depressed or suicidal movie- goers finding themselves immersed in the shared mass experience of a movie that changes their mental state. Doubt, despair and sadness would be replaced with Faith, Hope and Love. It became more than a movie-it was a passion project, a MISSION. It was a burning question: if Doctors, Lifeguards & Police officers can save lives, why cant movies? Why not? Once upon a time, before the invention of the microscope, in the Netherlands in 1590, the idea of unseen microscopic creatures inhabiting humans and causing cause death, seemed crazy. Out of ignorance, people died from bacteria, germs and lack of sanitation. Is is possible that today, people dying from suicide are also victims of something unseen to the naked eye; something that promotes suicide, something that a story or an immersive experience might cure? Wild ideas indeed but no wilder than the world we live in and what wilder place is there than Hollywood, California? The decision was made to “write their own future” according to popular teachers of the time, Christian and otherwise. They wrote a third act using a rumored long lost relative “Belizaire the Cajun” who had left a fortune in a Swiss bank account, landing the couple finally, in a Limo, on the way to the Oscar’s. Incredibly, a Limo-driver friend was introduced to their lives and they became house mates with him in...

2 0 0 7 TARZANA Maybe showing signs of ADD, they veered wildly off-course when they found and adopted a street Tabby, inspired to pursue another script that another actor-Gary Busey had inspired, a modern-day Breakfast At Tiffany’s project, instead. -Or maybe they knew that a long lost rich Uncle story was way too predictable, not the way to end their story and it would take a few more years of hardship, to craft the perfect “happy ending.” THE MIRACLE HAND MODEL Amazingly, CeCe’s hands were discovered...in Church. CeCe had been raised in “hand raising” church traditions but at conservative Bel Air Presbyterian, her hands-in-the-air worship style stuck out like a...sore thumb. In February of 2007, a 30-something black friend, “Picasso,” who resembled Barack Obama, was sitting a few pews behind CeCe. He noticed her hands during worship because they were raised in the air among a congregation of hundreds of non hand raisers, who’s hands were kept at their sides or in their pockets. CeCe’s hands were flawlessly shaped, thin and graceful. Picasso, it turned out, often worked with Linda Teglovic, owner of the top hand modeling agency in the world, BodyPartsModels, in Beverly Hills. After church, Picasso gave CeCe a referral. Linda was blown away by CeCe’s hands, saying they “looked just like her top model, Adelle.” But alas the miracle was “not yet”- the fee for joining the agency was steep; around $1500 for photos and other signing fees. Some even said that fee’s for joining modeling agencies were “red flags” and to beware. Regardless, the couple was struggling financially yet again and certainly did not have $1500 for something that seemed at the time, like risky business. Both had made good money working for Barry Young, a commercial director friend but that job ended when Christian’s Mom needed in-home hospice care for the Leukemia which was soon to take her life. So, hand modeling, like the movie project, was shelved. 2 0 0 8 JUNE 26- CeCe’s Birthday! a year and a half later, CeCe’s bestie, a pixie wearing female Norwegian entrepreneur named Lena, handed CeCe a birthday card as they left an Encino, CA Starbucks. Stopped at the light, in the dark, with Christian driving, CeCe opened the card to find...a check for $1300! Inside, a note read “for your hand modeling!” CeCe’s Dad sent $300 to cover the extra fees, enabling CeCe to finally sign with BodyParts Models. Soon, her gorgeous fingers were seen tapping a Hewlett Packard Tablet in a commercial, shown during the annual Grammy Awards show! She was even booked on a Cici’s Pizza commercial where she made $3500 (before taxes and fees) in one day just to hold a slice of Pizza! But the REAL miracle happened back in the 1970’s, to four year old Carol. Her older half sister, Angie, arguing over their dog, slammed the front door of the house. Carol’s right pinky was caught between the door and the door frame. The bloody tip hung by a slender piece of flesh as Carol’s Mom held it together in the car, on the way to a local ER. The doc said that “it would most likely not function” if they sewed it back on and that discarding the tip might be the best course of action. Carol’s parents were both faith-filled Christians who trusted that God would be able to not just heal but glorify little Carol’s hands. It took thirty years but God did just that, using BodyPartsModels Agency. Unfortunately, although the hand modeling paid very well, the jobs were inconsistent. Forced to move again and again, the couple shelved the film project yet again, for a few more years, to focus on keeping a roof over their heads and on keeping the marriage together. 2 0 1 0 AUGUST An awesome DTLA PR job earned the couple $300 per day and got them into a beautiful Sherman Oaks apartment with Lena co- signing. But that job was lost after a year and a half, when the owner of the company decided to fire everyone instead of engaging in a labor relations dispute. Losing the job forced them to scramble to find $300 a day to keep them in their expensive apartment. Some months they succeeded and some months they did not. SAG Actors Fund, Bel Air Presbyterian Deacons Fund, unemployment, friends and family all helped but eventually the bitter struggle overwhelmed them. 2 0 1 1 September Ten years after marrying, the already strained relationship finally broke down completely. A triumphant, redemptive script based on Carolyn’s “real life” seemed like a joke when her life and her marriage, were ruined. Even Ben Affleck personally hiring Christian as a sketch artist at $200/day with his own trailer, for Oscar winning ARGO, couldn’t put things back on track. It was “too little, too late” for CeCe, who spent many a night just weeping in her bed, pondering the incredible devastation that divorce was about to bring. Christian too, suffered a deep depression when forced to embark on a months long couch surfing tour of several friends from Church homes. Married couple Pastors counseled Christian to accommodate CeCe’s request for “space.” Sleeping on the couch in an L.A. County therapist friends Los Feliz apt, he joked “most people only need your couch for an hour a week but apparently I need eight hours a day!” 2012 JANUARY Christian finds a job listing on CraigsList for CeCe who has experience cold calling investors from similar projects in the past. She gets the job and later that year, it will pay for her new Hollywood apartment. JULY Divorce final, a major “News” network casts them in a “documentary” about how the crash of ‘08 was causing divorced couples to live together. Bringing cameras into their Sherman Oaks apartment to film what they said was a “news doc” the show turned out to be a reality show where Christians buttons were intentionally pushed, to destroy his “zen” calm and foster ratings. OCTOBER Carolyn began to use the name “CeCe” from her hubby’s nick-naming her initials. The divorce final, CeCe moved out of their Sherman Oaks apartment and took a small, rent-controlled one bedroom in Hollywood, with a view of the HOLLYWOOD sign and the Observatory at Griffith Park. DECEMBER When the show aired a few days before Christmas later that year, Christian suffered from one of the worst shame based depressions he’d ever experienced but instinctively knew that there had to be a reason for it: -that making a movie that would save people from depression, it might be necessary to experience that same depression. 2 0 1 3 JANUARY Christian takes a job as “Chef” at ROAST a deli-market in Brentwood where he works 7am - 9:30 pm, 5-6 days a week, standing on his feet without a break, to keep the apartment. AUGUST- MORE UNEMPLOYMENT Tired of being on his feet for 14 1/2 hr days, standing next to a 600 degree oven while being yelled at by a hard drinking wanna-be Anthony Bourdain, Christian gives his two week notice in August, having found a job as a home PA for a questionable film project in Playa Del Rey. The welcome break of sitting down all day with a view of sailboats just outside the Marina is rudely interrupted after only a few weeks when Christian and his beautiful young Brit blonde co-worker are asked not to cash their checks. He and his co-worker friend quit. The restaurant wont take him back. His co-workers hubby, living nearby, banged daily on their employers door and eventually got his wife paid. Christian forgave his employers debt of $700 from that job. At the same time, CeCe and her co-worker friends, across town at the Raleigh Studio offices of “There Goes the Neighborhood” LLC, are shocked and dismayed to learn that their Film Producer boss is using money from investors retirement funds, to do coke, hire hookers and watch porn. CeCe, as Christian had done, quits after not getting several paychecks. She takes five pages of leads of investors and the Private Placement Memorandum (PPM) legal doc and quits the job without getting paid almost $9,000 in commissions owed. THANKSGIVING? Christian kept trying valiantly, to keep the expensive Sherman Oaks apartment but after just a year, he failed to find the income or a good room mate and was given a deal to move out without harm to his credit. A friend who was also being divorced by his wife (Lena, the Norwegian entrepreneur,) for the exact same reasons, offered the empty garage in the couples four-bedroom Panorama City house, a few miles up the road, for $400/month. Moving into an un- insulated, garage in a low income neighborhood, living amongst spider webs, during one of the coldest Thanksgivings in L.A., was a low point in Christians life -but things were still to get worse. CHRISTMAS? Just when he had found a temporary part time job in a friends restaurant in Winnetka, a 20 minute bus ride away, he was given the news that the house was going on the market. After finally settling in, he’d again have to move, without a job and with only a few hundred dollars in his bank account. Meanwhile in Hollywood, CeCe meets a British rising star who encouraged her to pick up the project again, that he’d like to read it. 2 0 1 4 “It can only get better...” MARCH The house sells, Christian has nowhere to go. CeCe reluctantly but kindly offers her couch and is rewarded almost instantly with a miracle job. Christian, tired of crappy jobs, bounced checks and couch surfing became pro-active and agrees to co- found an event company. ”CHRYSALIS HOLLYWOOD” planned as a 2-day Seminar/Bootcamp for newcomers who want to increase their savvy in Hollywood. Christian begins to receive a small monthly stipend from his Seattle area Christian woman business partner, whom he’d met on Facebook. Looking back, it might seem so incredibly sketchy. But at the time, the money-small as it was, convinced him that his partner “meant business. CAKE & EAT IT, TOO Even though she didn’t submit for it, even though thousands did, the director of CAKE picture-picked CeCe to be stand-in and photo double for the biggest female star on the planet-Jennifer Aniston, a six week job that paid around $8000. Both CeCe and Christian agreed that God had smiled upon her kindness in taking in her ex temporarily. MAY 7LA RESURRECTION CeCe meets an “English director woman” who wants to read the shelved script. The woman is impressed and says that with a re-write, she can possibly help get the script to “people.” Once again, the project is resurrected and now that Christian is crashed at CeCe’s, co- writing with her seems to justify the couple living together yet again.

JULY Christian now couch surfing in yet another friends apt, had finished planning CHRYSALIS HOLLYWOOD-a venue (L.A. Center Studios), a panel of guest speakers (including CeCe and her MTV VJ woman friend) photographers, promo postcards and a gorgeous web site he had designed and built-all for a few hundred dollars a month. Christian and his partner planned to split the profits 50/50 with Christian paying back the monthly stipend he was using to live on. Ahead of his time, Christian even accepted Bitcoin on the website. AUGUST 1 Dark Knight of the Soul. Chrysalis Hollywood partnership tanks when a new partner, a christian Hollywood producer suggests that Christian ought to be paid a living wage, for managing the project. At a Malibu meeting, Christians woman business partner agrees but a few days later, changed her mind, deciding that Christian ought to work at Starbucks, instead as he continues to manage the event. At the worst time of his life, CeCe insists that he move to what looks like a sketchy living arrangement in Pasadena at a friend of the producers home. Out of money, Chrysalis crashed, self esteem totally shot, he prays to God “take me out of this world.” An epiphany at the “Al Pastor” Taco Stand on the corner, where he is tongue-lashed by an enraged, 6’ 5” black man, upset at the recent Donald Sterling NBA revelations, changes Christians mind, renewing his will to live and restoring his joy. He has experienced, at a Taco Stand, what he has dreamed of accomplishing, in a movie. He now knows it can be done. SEPTEMBER CeCe is given a plane ticket back home to Houston, to visit her Dad and half sister. Christian, instead of moving, has the place all to himself for two weeks, promises to finally finish the re-write, this time adding a 3rd act inspired by the premise of a huge female star being abducted and CeCe, as her photo double, being asked to finish the film which leads to an astonishing rise to the Oscar’s. OCTOBER Deciding to do a “raise” like the ones she has experience doing in past jobs, CeCe asks Christian to create a 50 page “PPM” for 7 L.A., copied from the Private Placement Memorandum CeCe still had from her last boss. CeCe uses lead lists, Christian asks a few friends to cold call as “Fronters” and another to be a closer. Several attempts are made to raise funds by calling investors from the Dunn & Bradstreet lead lists but all the investors were burned and not about to get burned again. Zero dollars were raised; maybe a good thing at the time. Another lesson learned. THANKSGIVING The director of an A-list film starring Sandra Bullock and Bradley Cooper is actually impressed with the writing but passes. The creator of a wildly popular TV series was interested. CeCe and Christian are encouraged that the project is gaining traction. Someone from a Craiglist ad asks if CeCe and Christian would consider doing the film as a musical and is never heard from again. Years later, LaLa Land is released- a musical about an actress trying to make it in Hollywood. LAST HOURS OF 2014 Christian has an incredibly vivid dream where he meets Lindsay Lohan at a tiny Church worship service at an unknown SoCal location. 2015 January 7 A friend of CeCe’s from the Raleigh Studios job, calls out of the blue and phone-introduces CeCe to Michael Lohan- Lindsay’s Dad, who says he might be able to help connect the team to some major players. CeCe meets with a old friend from acting school who refers him to a young black guy, “Mr. RED Camera,” who offers to shoot the pitch trailer “for free,” which turns into a “$600 rental fee” because “the original camera is broken and in the shop.” At the same time, Christian is told of an older white gentleman, Dan, who might invest in the project. He meets CeCe and agrees to fund the pitch trailer, investing as a producer, $2000 towards that effort. FEBRUARY Deciding to try crowd funding, 60-something Berkley hippy director Barry Young,(Bedford Falls)-the guy who had fired the couple when Christians Mom was dying, in a kind gesture, shoots and edits a video for their Indie GoGo campaign. The 60-day effort fails to raise any money- but the ultra hip Miles Davis soundtracked video is universally praised as awesome! MARCH Mr. RED camera totally blows it, forgetting to turn on the proper camera setting after a miracle opens the door for cast and crew to shoot on location at the Dolby theater. Not knowing that the gaff can be fixed in post, the guy keeps making excuses, delaying and deleting footage when asked to produce footage or a rough copy of the trailer. JUNE Finally complete, the pitch trailer with RED footage looks impressive however the random clips are confusing because Mr. RED camera refused to include stock shots needed to fill out the story. The success of JOY and other similar films inspires CeCe and Christian to re-brand the script as a “female empowerment story” then again, as a “Cinderella story.” 2016 MARCH Finally, Some breaks! Christian is paid $5000 to write a Greek Film Comedy and moves to the West Side. SUMMER SETBACK “EJ” a middle aged black man, says “God told me that I was supposed to help” -create a shooting schedule and a production board, that would help get an insurance bond that would guarantee $300,000 to start pre-production. His connection- TOM, had worked with Spielberg on JAWS. After a month of EJ hanging out in CeCe’s apt all day, every day, doing alot of good work but arguing over details...it turned out that EJ was living out of his Mercedes. Eventually, his wild claims of being God became intolerable and CeCe kicked him off the project. With a web site, a pitch trailer, Barry’s awesome video and a script getting positive coverage, CeCe goes out to schmooze on a regular basis, garnering many pitch meetings with film professionals but none have yet to buy. CeCe meets AMIRA a gorgeous 30- something brunette actress who she sees playing the young version of herself in the film. With Middle eastern ancestry and exotic seductive eyes, Amira and CeCe are quite the team in schmoozing. Amira introduces CeCe to a woman who suggests the need for a PITCH DECK. Christian, now living in a Santa Monica Bungalow, takes a month or two to create a PITCH DECK and adds it to website. Its a huge job which usually pays around $3000 but he does it on spec, as usual, sowing more hours of blood, sweat and tears into the dream. More meetings, more parties. An Asian man has connections to WANDA, the massive Chinese entertainment conglomerate. The pitch deck is adjusted to include Chinese talent Bing Bing Lee. The Asian man emails the pitch deck to WANDA, who apparently passes without word.

Fall 2016 - LaLa Land is released while CeCe attends AFM. CeCe Meets Indie Film Producer “Paul.” Paul likes the script and promises a “50/50 chance it will go into production” if they hire another writer for yet another re-write. 2017. Spring CeCe and Christian are crushed to see so many of their elements in LaLa Land: Griffith Park Observatory, which can be seen out CeCe’s living room window, plays a key role as well. CeCe and Christian have been hiking in Griffith for years, dreaming of the day they “make it to the top of Mt. Hollywood.” Their script opens with a spoken word poem which references the “agony and the ecstasy, side by side, on the 405 (freeway)”; LaLa Land opens with a SoCal freeway dance number. CeCe and Christians relationship had a poignant ending over career and money; so did the lead characters in LaLa Land (rare and unusual choices for Hollywood movies) CeCe and Christian wrote about and had a fascination for, Breakfast at Tiffanys, Audrey Hepburn and classic Hollywood. LLL had a fascination for Ingrid Bergman and included a play written about her by the female lead. In another bizarre synchronicity, LaLa Land won, then lost, the Best Picture Oscar, which seemed ironic and possibly even karmic-there is no way they knew for sure. CeCe and Christians script climaxed in a bizarre Oscar moment. Was life imitating art or art imitating life? Christian posts on a facebook Hollywood writers group, looking for a 3rd writer. Around 5-7 are called in, for an interview at Christians place in Santa Monica. Randy, who was mentored by Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry, is picked. JUNE Randy is hired to re-write, does a bang up job in a month but his version is not yet quite Cinderell-esque enough. JULY Christian offers a plot outline for a present-day Cinderella story. Randy kindly agrees to start yet another re-write, framing it more closely in a modern day Cinderella plot outline. DECEMBER CeCe’s Dad, who had supported the project with regular financial provision for a year and a half, suddenly disappears. CeCe goes to the Hollywood station to file a Police report. A few hours later, her Dad calls- he’s driven all night to Houston and will no longer support her because his sister in Louisiana and an elder woman friend in Houston have poisoned his mind against her, Christian and the project, saying “the two are winos and the movie is a pipe dream.” 2018 June Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain become the latest celebrity suicide victims, harsh and sad reminders for CeCe and Christian, that the work remains unfinished. Randy, with a full time job on a movie, has still not yet finished a re-write. CeCe is interviewed by another beautiful young Texan coming to Hollywood-Holly, for her YouTube show “Higher Living.” Christian is present at the interview at CeCe’s apt, with Griffith Park out the dark window. He’s inspired by the question “have you written a book?” -and realizes that’s the ONE THING he and CeCe have yet to do. THIS IS THAT BOOK. Now back to the opening scene where one of Hollywood’s biggest stars stands “accused” -two decades later! -of impregnating a vulnerable, innocent young actress...with an idea. Why cant more sexually charged meet-cutes end up triumphant like this and not tragic, like Harvey Weinstein? Shifting topical mode here, from straight biography and story telling, to a little preachin’- after all, the entire project comes from a desire to share love and faith, with a oft cold, hard Hollywood that eats people alive... -sexual mores and attitudes tend to veer towards one extreme or the other: extreme legalism or extreme licentiousness. Both extremes are extremely...toxic, to human sexuality. The hijab and burkha is toxic legalism. In a good faith attempt to “protect” women, women are subjugated. The other extreme, the Hollywood extreme, veers too often into porn and nudity. In a good faith effort to “liberate” women, women are instead deified and objectified. Ironically, both cultures start out trying to help women but end up hurting them. (extremely) Lets face it, women have always been abused by Alpha males, since the dawn of time. But the “sexual liberation” movements of the 60’s, whole heartedly adopted and promoted by HOLLYWOOD, PLAYBOY, COSMOPOLITAN, ROCK & ROLL and other culture-makers, threw gasoline on the fire of male lust and sexual abuse. We sent abusers like Weinstein mixed signals and he merely conformed to them. He adopted a “pro-women” stance while abusing and terrorizing women. His idea of “pro-woman” was to fund abortion rights groups, clinics and politics. But is it possible that such a stance was merely an attempt to create a “free pass” -to abuse women? So it seems. So what’s the answer? How can we slow or stop powerful men from abusing vulnerable women? We can’t. It will never 100% stop on this earth. But we can slow it down and here’s how: Lets give a second look to perhaps the most iconic IKON in all of history. It’s the single most popular piece of Jewelry, the ultimate fashion statement and also the symbol of the most popular spiritual movement of all time: THE CROSS. Lets open our eyes and heart to a new way of understanding its mystery, it’s secrets. I would like to humbly suggest looking at the CROSS as “center” “cross hairs”, “target,” as “bull's-eye.” We like to say that we need to get “centered.” We talk about “heart” which is another way of saying “center.” We use word phrases like sweet spot- yet another way of saying “heart” or “center.” The fact is, Jesus being nailed to a cross was an invitation to all people of all times, to the perfection that exists only in the center, the heart, the sweet spot. Outside of that spot misses the mark, is out of balance and unhealthy. And we can see that with #MeToo. We as Americans and Westerners “missed the mark” by a mile. “Sexual freedom” has legitimized licentiousness and thrown gasoline on the fires of lust. At the same time, the other half of the world, seeing the rapes, the excess and the harm “the great satan” has done to women, missed the mark by a mile in the opposite direction, with clothing, rules and laws that attempt to control women. You may have your own personal opinion about which is worse and that’s probably based only on how you were raised. But its easy to see, if you open your mind, that neither culture is really helpful to women and that no sane, thinking woman would choose either, given the chance to actually think about it. There is yet another way of understanding the cross. Its the idea that few of us hit the mark. Its the idea that hitting the mark is not easy, it takes ALOT of practice. Its the idea that we actually have a FOCUS in a culture where “anything goes” or “all roads lead to God.” We have ONE SINGULAR TARGET/FOCUS but better than that, we have the understanding that most of the time, most people MISS that target, yet that’s no cause for condemnation, judgment or penalty. When an archer misses the target, they are not penalized for “bad behavior.” Instead, it’s “OK, grab another arrow and try again.” In philosophical terms, we call this “forgiveness” “mercy” and “grace.” Sexual liberation, like Archery, cant work unless practiced in a setting of mercy, forgiveness and grace. Powerful men, when they fall, deserve forgiveness if they are willing to apologize and make restitution for missing the mark. Women who are victimized, need to forgive themselves, because, its not their fault. Now, about “redemptive stories.”: Why are Church folk so insistent on “redemptive” stories and why is this author proposing them as another way of addressing the #MeToo problem? I realized that writing our story will help people understand CeCe and myself. I realized that part of what made our struggle so hard for the last two decades --the prime of our lives-- was that many around us- even well meaning people, didn’t “get us” and many even judged us. The two most common assumption/judgments people around us made, were: 1. We or I were somehow “lazy” or unwilling to work or unwilling to take “whatever jobs we could get.” And... 2. “They must have some secret sin that they are hiding that is causing all this trouble.” People entertained these thoughts, judgments and ideas because it made the world a safer place for them. No one wants to live in a place where “bad things happen to good people.” In our case, bad things seemed to happen over and over for a very long time. An “explanation” had to be found. Few are prepared to think that the world is really that harsh or that God doesn’t help good people-so these “explanations” were devised, to explain our woes. After all, we seemed like hard workers, like such sweet, kind caring people. We seemed like good tax-paying citizens. So how could we be going through such difficulties? While there may have been a grain of truth in these explanations, one can see from reading our story that one thing is for sure: we tried. We hustled. We did just about everything we were told to do, everything the professionals suggested and yet, during those years, we STILL managed to evade success at every turn. And I do think that being surrounded by well meaning people and not so well meaning people who are confused by you, who don’t get you or who judge you certainly can hinder or even block success. Don’t believe me? Look at Jesus: most people, not even his closest friends, his disciples, “got him” during his lifetime. They judged him, they thought he was crazy and ultimately, their judgment on him was a brutal death. But what happened after that? What transformed Jesus from a judged, crucified, mis- understood Rabbi into the most popular spiritual leader of all time? Of course, the bible says that the spirit of God accomplished that and that’s a great spiritual answer but in the natural world, it was a BOOK. “THE GOSPEL OF MARK” explained and transformed Jesus, the man and the reason for his life. Reading the book, people finally “got it.” Great books bring order out of a chaotic world. They comfort and explain. THIS BOOK is an attempt to explain this writer and his writing partner. And in the same way, MOVIES have that same narrative power, a power which too often goes un- used in Hollywood. Movies can help explain a world that seems to be spinning out of control, into chaos. In “real life” we witness horrible tragedy and cant make sense of it. Then we enter into a dark movie theater. Then light shines out of the darkness. The light brings ANSWERS and the answers comfort us. We leave, having been refreshed with new answers, having processed and understood why “bad things happen to good people.” (Three act structure, remember?) There is no better feeling than the “OK, now I get it” feeling. There is nothing greater (other than love) for a human, than to UNDERSTAND and to have WISDOM from repeated understanding. The more we understand, the wiser we become. Great movies can do all of this. We can “escape” a world of chaos and confusion and enter into a world of order and understanding. But it helps when the film makers are intentional about these goals and this is where the front lines of the Battle for the soul of Hollywood is being fought. It was in this culture war where Harvey Weinstein’s crimes were allowed and accepted “just because” “you know, that’s how he is.” If we don’t begin to re-center our culture and our movies, aiming for a sweet spot between legalism and licentiousness, nothing will change. We can no longer send men mixed messages that women’s liberation means women are “up for anything.” They are not. There is in fact, a very narrow target of what helps women and its called the “heart” or the “center.” In fact, we say that such a desire even comes from “the heart.” So, redemptive movies are “heart movies” that aim for a sweet spot between the excess of extreme licentiousness and legalism. Yes, they can be sexy. There can be hot babes in bikinis. Sex can be playful and alluded to. But there needs to boundaries. There needs to be an agreed upon, established “target,” a moral code of right and wrong. Damon’s encounter with CeCe, twenty-three years ago at this writing, was just such an encounter. Of course, sex played a part, a girl met a boy and they were attracted to each other; yet that didn’t need to end in abuse or licentiousness. Instead, it became a seed that has majestically grown into this book and hopefully, a movie. CeCe & Christian’s hope and prayer is that this story can serve as a witness that there is still hope: hope for a society where every sexual encounter does not have to end in a one night stand but maybe in something so much greater. In the words of John Lennon and Paul Mcartney ”let it be!” “When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me. Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. And in my hour of darkness She is standing right in front of me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be. Let it be, let it be. Whisper words of wisdom, let it be. And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree, There will be an answer, let it be. For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see. There will be an answer, let it be. Let it be, let it be. There will be an answer, let it be. And when the night is cloudy, There is still a light that shines on me, Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.”

#book #books #biographies #movies #development

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christianmarkchristian · 10 years ago

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Frida at the Riots 1993, 5′ x 5′ oil on canvas, Christian-Christian.

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christianmarkchristian · 10 years ago

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ISIS baby, Ice...

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christianmarkchristian · 10 years ago

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christianmarkchristian · 10 years ago

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Screen Saver Salvation

How I learned that Hollywood really is a Christian Utopia.

Like many of us, I have a favorite screen saver on my computer- a picture of the perfect Tropical Island paradise. Clear, turqoise water, like a vast swimming pool, over which a nice, new, black-painted wooden pier or walkway connects one pristine Island to another. White sand, sunshine, fresh air-perfect, I thought. I have no idea where this place actually is. Maldives? Bora Bora? Tonga? -I dont know; sounds like I'm "speaking in tongues," just saying their names. But a curious thing happened a few weeks ago. In the "real" world, Diane Sawyer interviewed a man who says he's now a woman. And in response, I struggled with how I should respond, as a follower of Jesus. I immediately saw both sides: On the one hand, of course we are to Love everyone as much as is humanly possible and in that, I agreed with the widespread reaction which was overwhelmingly positive.

But on the other hand, my mind kept going to the Emperor with No clothes story. And then to the Slippery Slope mental exercise: "-where does it all end? OK, we're accepting THIS but what about THAT? What's next?- Are we next going to be asked to love and accept polygamy or bestiality or even pedophilia? How do we define what is acceptable behavior and what is un-acceptable ? These are all totally legitimate questions and to the degree that the LGBT community, liberals and Christians react harshly to those who pose them, their failure to love is no different than those they condemn as "haters." And so, sharing Jenner’s confusion -in my own way (how to react to values that seem to be at odds with those I was taught while growing up) I decided to do something, something quite possibly inspired by my screen saver. I imagined that I owned the Island. I imagined that I was as wealthy as Bill Gates and that I had decided to create my own Island Utopia. And of course, the first thing I needed to do was write a list of RULES. I mean, I dont want a bunch of idiots on my Island! So, they were: 1. No littering. 2. No bombs 3. No hoarding the natural spring water. 4. No pedophiles 5. No walking around nude with your male parts or sagging boobs hanging out. Hours later, proud of myself, I was now free to DREAM about my Island Utopia actually happening "some day in the sweet by and by." SOME DAY...Just like Heaven, I would have to WAIT. Even if I won the lotto, it would take months to find the perfect Island, more months for escrow to close and even more to populate it with all the "right" people. But wait....WAIT. Jesus, the one I'm claiming to follow, taught that "Heaven is at hand." Although he also clearly taught about future hopes, dreams and places, one of his clearest teachings was that HEAVEN IS RIGHT NOW. What could that mean? Well, the answer came in a Facebook private chat with a friend from that Charismatic Christian spiritual Mecca, Redding, CA. When we were discussing pot smoking, I told her about my exercise, about my private Island Utopia and how that clarified what my values really are, how I could apply them to issues such as gay marriage or the legalization of pot. But her response was not at all what I expected. She said "I wouldnt like that. I wouldnt want to live in place where everyone is just like me." I knew this was God speaking through her. I knew it was God because I felt corrected but not condemned. When humans correct us, we feel bad, we feel "wrong." But when it's the spirit of God speaking through a friend or teacher, one feels revelation, one sees things in a new way, our paradigm is changed. I finally saw something about myself and it wasnt attractive: the tendency to want to surround myself with a bunch of people just like me. And I saw that this desire to forge a world in my own image was possibly one of the reasons my wife divorced me three years ago, this summer. I had to wonder whether I had really loved her, or whether what I thought was "love" was merely a cloning effort. Had I shown an interest in her-what made her different, or did I try to make her more like ME? Here I was, thinking that I am "straight" when in fact, on a theoretical level, if I were really happy with "woman" - why did I try to make her more like me? (a guy) And when it comes down to it, isnt that kind of "gay?" My mind was blown. How dare I condemn gay people when, to the degree that I try to make a partner, or others, "like me" (in more ways than one) -am I not "gay" as well? Talk about confusion. Jenner was beginning to look "clear" next to my mental gymnastics.. That's when my thought journey arrived in Hollywood. It's been my home for a year. I had been circling Hollywood, living in a string of L.A. suburbs, for my entire adult life. Now, I've finally "landed" and I love it. It's the place I call home and -fittingly, developing a movie script in which Hollywood plays a role. In my script research, I contacted and befriended a man who's great-grandmother was the founder of Hollywood. Turns out, she too was a devout Christian.

So devout, in fact, that she did what I had only considered a "mental exercise." Remember my Island paradise? Well, she, with the help of her wealthy, older husband actually did it: buy some land, name it and immediately (as I did) write the RULES. Two of hers were: 1. No alcohol. 2. No Gambling. In addition, she planted lots of nice citrus trees, flowers and donated free land to churches in order to populate her paradise with "good" people. Now isnt that amazing? Not only did I not have to "wait" for my paradise- IT ALREADY HAPPENED

-and I AM LIVING IN IT! Wow. I had to say,God has an amazing sense of humor. But whats the point? Well, here's the point: it all proves Jesus' words "Heaven is at hand. Heaven is HERE and NOW." I had been thinking that Paradise exists in some far-off screen saver Island where I live happily surrounded by clones, where everyone happily observes all the RULES. But oh how wrong I was. Look no further than Daieda's Dream (Hollywood) to see for yourself. How long did it take for her dream, her rules, to spiral out of control? (not long) How many years before alcohol was served, for example? And did Hollywood become a "Christian Utopia?" Well, the common assumption is NO but "mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord" and the common assumption is wrong. Let me tell you a little secret that I have stumbled upon: Hollywood is a Christian Utopia. If your definition of "Christian" is "good people" or "Law-abiding citizens" well, maybe not. The sound of Police sirens and ambulances is almost a constant here. Homeless people sleep on sidewalks. Litter and graffiti are everywhere. Scientologist’s, not Christians, hand out "religious" tracts on the corner. Poverty is endemic. Visually, the urban blight can be quite ugly. I often wonder at the yards I walk by-trash, weeds, junk and old cars. What are people thinking? But if your definition of "Christian" is a person or community that seeks that which is different, that which is the "other" the "yin" to your "yang", the "black" to your "white" -and instead of trying to control it, conquer it, mate with it or manipulate it...LOVE it, then YES, Hollywood is without question a Christian Utopia. And finally, my friends, here is the secret to the mystery of Christ, the mystery of HEAVEN being right here and right now, no matter WHERE you are. The secret is not RULES to forge a world in our own image. The secret is in the opening of our eyes to a world created in Gods image. Because the world is not geography-the world is PEOPLE- people made in God's image. Hollywood has that all figured out. We dont sell cars, furniture, national geographic, food or weapons although these things may be prominent in the movies we make.

We sell, we glorify, we exemplify, we talk about, we light up, we focus on PEOPLE and we call them STARS. This is our secret. This is why we are “livin’ the dream.” But they are stars because we recognize that they -human beings-ALL human beings are Stupendously, amazingly, beautifully made in Gods image. Yes, even what appear to be the worst of them- the homeless guy addicted to booze, smelling, stinking, whacked out of his brain, yes HE was made in Gods image. Yes, HE is beautiful. But, you say "why would a loving God allow such misery?" And I say that once again, Hollywood and the MOVIES "show" us spiritual truth. You see, when your focus is the abused child, the pedophile Priest, the aftermath of the Nepal quake, the homeless guy sleeping on the sidewalk, that focus, that assessment is basically a "still picture" as opposed to a "moving picture" (Movie) of the world, one that can only see this present darkness. And in that, Heaven is not the here and now but the future promise of a sunrise. What's missing from the common atheist accusations is the "third act." Here again Hollywood had an almost God-like grip on truth: life is STORY, the pictures are MOVING, not STAYING. Every good screenwriter knows: Act I is about setting up problems, hurdles, antagonists. Act II is about deepening the pain, the suffering, the tragedy. Then, in the Act III climax, you must RESOLVE and REDEEM everything. And in this, we see the Christian story, we see "why God lets bad things happen to good people." We see that these are not just movies and scripts, these are spiritual truths being played out every minute of every day somewhere on planet earth, in a theater near you... So, Hollywood is indeed a "Christian Utopia" because Hollywood is firmly grounded in story and not just story but redemptive story, not still photos but moving pictures. To entertain is not to control others, not to make everything and everyone submit to our idea of paradise. No, Hollywood is a place that creates a narrative in a dark room where you, as a community of viewers are given permission to dream, to explore and love the "other" the mystery, the ecstasy that is God. But just as it is in movies, it is in reality and spirituality: it all must begin with suspension of disbelief. Nothing happens until we suspend disbelief...and begin instead to believe. Atheism is the movie theater equivalent of "that could never happen" or "I'm not afraid-it's just a movie." So, let us suspend disbelief and allow ourselves to be engulfed in the mystery of otherness. And let the screen salvation begin!

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christianmarkchristian · 11 years ago

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Of Caveats & Caves: How I learned to Love Sony & Hate Freedom of Speech.

I'm amazed at the uniform response to Sony's "caving." I'm astounded at how everyone is lining up-iike sheep, to condemn them and cry "FREEDOM" as though they imagine they are starring in Braveheart II. And this, in a town and time where individuality and free-thinking is prized as the coup de force.

If anyone should be pissed off, it should me be. Just when I'm finally getting buzz on a script that features a kick ass inciting incident intro-six black clad men with semi-automatic weapons kidnap a beautiful blonde out of a production van on a Middle Eastern desert road, now there are fears that no one wants to touch scripts with terrorists, real or imagined.

But the fact is, even if there are new "restrictions," that could be just what the doctor ordered for Hollywood. Acting has never been better. SFX, editing, visual style, technology and even movie theater quality is at an all time high. But there's one thing that most thinking people agree is suffering: WRITING. There is a dearth of great writing in Hollywood.

How do I know? What qualifies me to say that? Not that I should have to provide "qualifications" but here are a few: -my latest script was read and reviewed with the words "great writing" in record time (five hours) by an A-list director I won't name. -I was told when I was 23, after a professional free lance magazine writer read a short story of mine, that I could get published in the New Yorker. -I've written ten feature scripts and countless shorts. -I've been paid to "polish" scripts and do "coverage." (read them and write a brief review for producers.) In spite of all this, I'm smart enough to know that my career has still not really begun. I'm humble enough to know that compared to an Aaron Sorkin, for example, I'm a nobody. But in providing some history, I can at least claim that my ideas have a leg to stand on. And here they are:

I'm dumbfounded that so many creative, intelligent people are ready to cry "foul" when Sony pulled "The Interview" from it's Holiday release. I'm amazed at how loads of creative types have blurted out the party line without even thinking about whats really going on. And here's what's going on:

Writers are being told that 'easy targets' and sterotypical "bad guys" will no longer be tolerated. Writers are being told YOU SUCK and that they need to go back and do some major re-writes. Writers are being told that they need to create or imagine something NEW and stop re-hashing, recycling old ideas. Writers are being told that relying on car chases or explosions, SFX or nudity is not enough; it's time that they actually WROTE.

Film critics generally agree that the Golden Age of Hollywood was the 1930's-40's. There are many reasons and factors cited but one that is consistently talked about is the existence of the Hays Code. I wont go into the details of that Code but lets just say this: it was not about FREEDOM, it was about RESTRICTIONS. In fact, it may have gone too far in restricting what could be shown on the screen, what could be said and who could say it. But one thing's for sure; it forced writers to be creative. Instead of just showing Bogie and Bacall getting it on, they had to write lines like "you know how to whistle, don't you? -just put your lips together and blow.." Even modern films like the wildly successful Blair Witch Project are examples. In that case, the restrictions came in the form of a tiny budget. Supposedly under $10,000 (and it looks like it) there was no SFX budget, no budget for stunts or bloodshed or guns or crowd scenes. So what happened? The restrictions forced them to get creative, to work harder. The horror was created in the audiences mind, not on the screen, through ingenious writing, innuendo, subtleties, nuance, shadows, mind games, suspense.

Now let's look at the email hacks. Jesus warned that "everything hidden would eventually be brought to light." Most spiritual people know that what we do in secret should always be done with the idea of public exposure, transparency, in mind. Don't write an email in private that you wouldnt want your daughter or sister - or the public - to read. Stringent huh? Yes, it is. Thank God, there is grace. We all fail. We all say and write things we shouldn't and for the most part- get away with it. But incidents like the Sony hack remind us of the goal. They are good for us.

I for one, am on yet another re-write of a script. I have been reminded that using Middle eastern terrorists as the "bad guys" in my opening scene is maybe not the best choice. Now I'm being forced to really dig deep, think, write-create a new and original inciting incident. And this is exactly what audiences are craving- they're not as stupid as some might think. And Sony found out just how not stupid -and incredibly annoyed, someone was.

Come to think of it, I'm going to need to thank Kim Jong Un when I win that Oscar. Then again, I entertain the idea that maybe--we're not being told the truth when we're told that the hackers were North Korean. Whoever they are, I'm not defending breaking the law; I'm not happy that Sony got hacked, just saying that we can either waste more time crying "foul" and whining OR we can see this incident as the beginning of another Golden Age.

If anyone else-particularly WRITERS is listening..and willing, the results can only help us go higher. OR we can just sit back and instead of WRITING, keep on crying on Social Media about how bad the bad guys are and how great we are, even as most of the scripts that get green lit are incredibly predictable, boring and a huge waste of untold millions. But hey, we're FREE, right?

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christianmarkchristian · 11 years ago

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The Mystery of the Anointing: the Mercedes I restored in August 2009.

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christianmarkchristian · 11 years ago

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The Mystery of the Anointing: the Mercedes I restored in August 2009.

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christianmarkchristian · 11 years ago

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Things of Kings: The Mystery of the Anointing.

Things of Kings: the Secret Mystery of the Anointing.

If you are a Christian, less likely, if you are not, you might have heard the word phrase "the anointing" thrown around but few really know what the anointing actually is. I don't claim to be the worlds leading expert on it but I did recently have an experience in which I felt the Holy Spirit really showed me, vividly clearly and visually, what it is...

A friend has an old, somewhat beat up black, 1999 Nissan Altima. For years, it was kept up and in good repair but in the last few years, it has had it's shares of dings, minor accidents, spills and general wear and tear, that had it looking pretty bad. Putting into words how one felt about this car is difficult: you want to love it, since it's been such a faithful servant for so long but it's beat-up, worn out state devalues it in anyone's eyes. That attitude creates a lack of respect. One is just not as careful with it; for example, a major salsa spill on the interior console goes un-cleaned for days. Imagine that happening in your brand new Mercedes-how many seconds would go by before that would be wiped up?

On Labor Day, 2014, I had the honor of doing some hard labor (haha) in polish-waxing this car, without the aid of an electric buffer. I'm actualy still working on the project, three days later, off and on as time allows. Although the work is laborious and tedious, the reward was and is enormous: in seeing the results, I saw the gift of the "anointing." You see, the root word goes back through Greek and Hebrew and relates to the very identity of Christ. In the OT, Kings were "anointed" not by crowning so much as by "pouring" - Olive Oil on their heads. There are some amazing things to consider about this act which might seem so bizarre in this epoch. First, in our age of democracy, we dont "crown" Kings but even in the UK, where they still have the Monarchy, no one is going to get oil poured on their head any time soon. But consider what defines power, war and politics- the things of Kings, twenty-five hundred years since Saul, David and others were anointed: oil. And where might the center of politics and oil be found,on this vast globe? Iraq-same general area where these Kings lived and fought battles. Clearly, this is no accident of food & technology. Olive oil has been replaced by Petroleum oil but the idea is the same: oil = wealth, wealth = power and power is what makes, or "anoints" Kings. The essence of a King is POWER. A King with no power is not a King. But let's get back to the Altima. Of course many of us have seen a car, maybe our own car, transformed after being "detailed." We've seen cars go from worn out, beat up to looking showroom again. But what I saw in this case was how that transformation changed my attitude to the car, how that tranformation added value. It was amazing how something like a feeling of Love replaced a feeling of apathy. Apathy is when you just dont care and the root word for apathy -pathology- is "sickness." The car was "sick" or at least my attitude towards it was. But now, my attitude was Love.

Now I have a new-found respect. No more spilling salsa and letting it go for days, for weeks-that's sick. That's not RESPECT. Now, whats probably the second most important word describing a King? -Respect. That's right, so the anointing brings POWER and RESPECT. Some church folks like to use the oft-quoted phrase, "the yoke-destroying, burden-removing, power of God" to describe the anointing. But may I suggest a more relatable phrase: the anointing is "the value-adding, transforming power of Love." The anointing transforms through adding Love and respect and yes, when you are loved and respected, you have POWER. Now, there is another principle here that stems from the Hebrew root word "Moshiach," which is translated roughly as "Messiah" or "Christ." One definintion of Moshiach seems odd at first: "the rubbing off" or "rubbing in to."

But then BAM! It hit me: what the heck had I been working my butt off doing to that car? Nothing but RUBBING. It was rub dub dub all the day long, back breaking rubbing. But never have a I seen such a transformation after I hand-rubbed layers of smog and bird droppings and spills (life)...suddenly, I saw-guess what? MYSELF. Yes, the idea of a great wax job is a "mirror-finish." Wow- now we are getting somewhere...theologians and even psychologists will tell you that knowing our true identities is the foundation of all spiritual and psychological health. As followers of Christ, a foundational belief is that we were and are, made "Imago Dei," that's Latin for "In God's Image." But, bird doo happens-to us all. Life wears us out and eventually hides the fact that we were made in God's image. We lose respect. We lose love. We lose power. What do we need? We need to get rubbed, we need the "anointing." Funny thing- there is a popular book, "The 5 Love Languages," that describes how we perceive love Everyone, the books says, experiences love in one of five ways: sense of touch, gifts, quality time, acts of service, kind words. Sense of touch is my "primary" Love Language: like a cat or maybe most animals, I love to get rubbed. Here we go again. There is something deep about connections here. Physical touch is a way of connecting. In the famous Michelangelo mural on the Sistine Chapel cieling, we see God's hand stretched out to humanity. This sense of God's TOUCH in our lives. Here again, is the anointing. The anointing is God's TOUCH in our lives and better, his RUBBING into our lives.

We have to be careful in the next concept and it confuses many people who think it's okay to avoid "negative" people and only surround themselves with "positive" people. In general, that's a healthy thing; the idea that greatness "rubs off" and that "bad company corrupts good character." This concept is easily abused though and Jesus, in hanging out with "sinners and prostitutes" made it clear that ALL humans, (even the ones that need a good wax job) are made in God's image and deserve love and respect. But at the same time, Jesus didn't choose people of bad character to be his constant companions. And nothing seemed to frustrate him more than his constant companions (the disciples) being negative. Over and over, he says "Oh ye of little faith- how much longer must I be around you?" And, he told the woman caught in adultery to "stop sinning." He loved on her, saved her from being stoned to death but he didn't say "you are good-keep it up." It's wrong to avoid bad people; that's the worst thing we can do to them. When we walk by a homeless person and won't even make eye contact, that is not following Jesus. But on the other hand, we don't move in with them, unless God is calling us, as he did with Mother Teresa. It's the other end of the spectrum that is lost on most people today, or maybe not. Maybe it's what the cult of celebrity is all about. People know that if they hang around Jennifer Aniston all the time, even if a fraction of her "Anointing" rubs off on us, it can't hurt. Maybe that's why so many celebs sell fragrances and put their name on a line of clothing-it's the mistaken belief in the wrong anointing. I do believe that if you are friends with Bono, for example, great things would rub off on you. But I don't believe that buying "Bono Jeans" will do much. Again, it's the idea that when we hang around greatness, it "rub's off" on us. (there's that "rubbing off" again- the anointing-Messiah-Christ) Jesus, yes, was the worlds first "Superstar." Crowds wanted to what? TOUCH him; his robe, his garment. In fact, in one of the most well known stories, a woman with a blood disease fought her way through the crowds just to touch the hem of his garment. Once she did, the "anointing" flowed-poured out of him and into her and she was healed. Hmmm, there's that "touching," that "rubbing off" that "Christ-Messiah-Moshiach" thing again!

So, where does this all fit in to today, to all who follow-or don't, Jesus?

It fits perfectly if you use the car analogy: We are born, shiny, new creatures. Then, life happens. we get bombed, We get beat up. We get wear and tear and spilled on. It becomes impossible to see the image of God any more-our original design. No more are we "mirrors" of God. We become, instead, reflections of the world- of poop and smog and getting keyed and bumped and hit and bent. We get BENT. The bible word for bent is "iniquity." All of this causes us to lose value which in turn causes the loss of respect and then love and finally, we become powerless. What's the solution? We need the anointing- we need to a TOUCH from God, we need more than a touch, we need God RUBBED OFF on us, God RUBBED IN to us, so we can once again be reflections; mirror-images of our creator, the way we came out of the "God-Factory." This is what it means to be "born again." Now, I can't say definitively how and when this happens. Jesus told Nicodemus that being born again was like the action of the wind- mysterious and impossible to track, almost as though some mysterious car-detailer "pays it forward" by going around polishing random parked cars in need, like grace, or if you're REALLY in need, mercy. Ironic that my one and only visit to a Auto Factory was as a twelve year old, when I went with my Mom and step-Dad to take delivery of a brand new Mercedes; the story goes that Mr. Benz named the car after his wife, "Mercedes" which is "mercy" or "grace" in Spanish. The story goes on. I was staying, back in 2009 with a woman having financial difficulties. She had a gorgeous black 2008 Mercedes 2-seater Sports car parked in her driveway that hadn't been driven in years. Like with the Altima, the paint looked shot. "It's only worth about $500" she told me. I was incredulous. I saw the potential: I saw the original design. I offered to restore it and sell it if she'd give me 10% of the sale; that would help her raise some badly needed cash for us both. She agreed. It was hard work but it ended up gorgeous, just as I knew it would and I easily sold it for $5000= ten times what she'd said it was worth, after only spending about $1000 on it. That was "grace" for us - something that just fell into our laps. And Grace is what following Jesus is all about. We can't--ultimately, polish our own car. Only Jesus can do that.

But Jesus does teach that anyone can ask to be born again, that it's a choice. I'll let theologians debate that one. All I know is this: I was born again 21 years ago this Sunday. But I need to keep getting transformed, through the renewing of my mind and the spirit.. And I know this: it's a partnership and my part takes work, effort and persistence. Just like polishing that car, it's not always going to be easy.

But sometimes God delights in just "gracing" us with his free gift; He does it all, whether we ask, as Janis Joplin did, or not, for a Mercedes.

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