chrmnmrl

[chrmnmrl]

Been going through a lot in my personal life lately and haven’t gotten to talk to anyone about it. It’s very, very personal and sensitive.

My spouse and I have always seen eye to eye on so many things but the big elephant in the room has always been whether we want kids or not. Like most couples, you go into marriage thinking you have to reach having children; like it’s a given. But over time, we began to feel less inclined to have children. For some years he and I thought we’d be okay if we didn’t have children — my husband specifically said multiple times that since it is my body that would go through childbirth, it would be my choice and that he would be fine with not having kids if that’s what I truly wanted.

Fast forward, our friends all started having kids. And when I say all, I literally mean all.

You’d think it’d give me baby fever, seeing everyone in pregnancy and with their newborns, but it has turned me off from it even more than I already had been (I want to emphasize I don’t find anything wrong w motherhood and parenthood; it is just something I do not envision putting myself through, and I enjoy my freedom and I want to prioritize travel and experience). I thought he and I were on the same page for a long time. We kept doing checkins about it. It was always the “if you don’t want kids, I’d be okay!”

Until a conversation happened where I mentioned it again, except stronger that I really truly feel like I do not want kids. I expected the usual response — if you don’t want it, then same. But then he went silent, his body language changed, he literally would not look at me. He told me essentially life would not be fulfilling in some years without a child. I mentioned life can be fulfilling without children, but the spark in his eye was long gone. I remember the meal (on a date night out) was so awkward. I was so shocked, my face twisted in a frown and I couldn’t stop crying because I realized we were not on the same page. I managed to stop enough to eat through the meal and both of us faking smiles and small talk. But the drive home was silence, tense. I got home and slept; he went to a basketball event and I cried for 3 hours straight by myself.

He and I never had conflict. Ever. But this was the first time I realized we didn’t see eye to eye, the first time I felt like this could end. If he wants to be a father and have a family, I can’t take that away from him — he’d be a damn good father. But I can’t and I won’t pop out a child just to fulfill someone else’s life if it’s not something I want. If I did, I know my pregnancy and post-partum would actually be dangerous to my mental health.

It is something that’s been a push and pull — there are more details but I am not comfortable to share yet, but this week felt like the pinnacle stress after a latest conversation that went to the same place.

I am heartbroken and devastated to even think of the possibility that I’d have to let my husband of 7 years go on the issue of children. I can’t do it. I can’t do pregnancy and I can’t bear a child, we can’t afford hospital bills, I can’t give up my freedom, I can’t suddenly be responsible enough to raise a life. I have never once had the motherly urge to pop babies, though I admire those who do. I don’t want to bring a child into this life unless I know 10000% that I am wanting and capable of raising them well.

I don’t know what the solution is. Leave him so he can be a father and start a family with someone else? Or compromise myself and pop a baby for him? Adoption is there, perhaps. But I still don’t think I’m called out to be a parent. Honestly I’m fucking devastated and stressed and it’s the thing I cry about the most.

I went years thinking I was the best woman for my husband, no one else could ever be better. But this issue has been the first thing that has ever made me question if I’m not good enough to be with him, that he deserves better than me. I’m all over the place right now mentally.

[chrmnmrl]

Funnel Cakes (by charmaineagbuya)

[chrmnmrl]

On another personal note, this weekend my spouse and I are going to church for the first time in a long time. We’ve gone to a few services but honestly maybe about 5 in the past 3 years.

I am a Christian and have been all my life — I’ve spent many years leading church groups and worship teams since I was young. It was something I was used to and felt like I always had to do and lead. I had been very religious and conservative in my youth but growing up I’ve become much more progressive in light of the reality of the world outside of the church. I was part of a small house church that aimed to do things differently than what any of us grew up with, because we hoped for something much better; to live and embrace the teachings of Jesus and honestly throw out everything else that American right-wing conservatism has forced on us.

2016 happened (you all know what this is about… America sucks), and since then my thoughts and feelings on the collective American church have plummeted even more. It has broken my trust in church leadership as a whole, as I have experienced and seen the most hatred and judgment and racism and sexism come from pastors and leaders and family members I once trusted.

Our house church kept trying to fight against all of that. It felt like a rare, safe church community for a long time.

But when the pandemic hit, our church basically stopped — everyone, including us, moved back home. We’ve tried to go to other churches but haven’t felt connected with anyone or anything.

This year, our friends (who my husband grew up with in their childhood church; all their parents still attend but none of us do because we are all kind of ‘reconstructing’ our faith) decided to start a house church which starts this Sunday. We’re all in that same boat of being disappointed in evangelistic Christians, being distrusting of leadership, being hurt/emotionally healing from past hurt, and questioning just about everything, but still holding onto hope for something true and real where we can still practice our faith.

This is very transparent but even though I know I’ll be safe with these 5 others (small in number), I am still nervous about going back into church settings at all. My mind and heart knows that it’ll be fine and safe, but even the word ‘church’ is such a trigger for me. I also know that at some point people might ask me to lead again, and this time I’ll have to say no. I don’t know when/if I could ever step into leading people spiritually again—not with these questions I have, not with this anger, not with this frustration and contempt I have overall just yet.

[chrmnmrl]

LETS TALK ABOUT SPARRING

I’ve read a lot of fics, have seen many shows, and have watched many movies that are completely inaccurate when it comes to sparring. NOW, i know it’s fiction, and I greatly enjoy it nonetheless, but I would like to share a few things with you, as a person who trains in Historical European Martial Arts (HEMA). There are a few general things in this, as well as stuff more focused to a certain european weapon. (this is all Historical European stuff, obviously if you’re writing for a different region, this probably won’t apply that much.)

SPARRING

-you don’t practice with real sharp swords. Never. It’s incredibly dangerous, especially since sparring is trying to practice your killing/injuring skills. In older times, you would use wood, maybe wrapped in leather or canvas to practice. Today, you use weighted nylon swords/weapons, and you usually wear a mask while doing so. Steel is and was an option, but the blade will be completely dull, and the tip will be bent over itself.

-It’s practically impossible to knock someone off their feet while sparring, unless you are hooking your foot or weapon behind their leg. It’s hard to push back and cause someone to fall, since they can just retreat back a bit.

-YOU. DON’T. SPEND. HOURS. SPARRING. ESPECIALLY WITHOUT A BREAK. It’s exhausting, the most people usually go is 10 minutes before they have a break. During Training, you only spar for about 2-5 minutes before stopping and having a rest.

-You try your hardest never to cross your feet. It’s dangerous and it unbalances you. Your opponent can take advantage of you easily.

-Usually, you want to strike your opponent with the last ¼ of your blade, basically just the tip and a little below. That’s the sharpest point, and you get the most force behind it.

-Swords aren’t super heavy. Stop the giant, huge, I-can-barely-lift-this trope. Longswords are usually 3lbs. It’s not heavy when you pick it up. However, it gets heavy when you’re holding it up above your head for a while. Swords were not made to be heavy, especially since you would have to hold them up in battle for sometimes hours.

-It’s incredibly hard to engage in witty banter and such. You are constantly moving and trying to strike your opponent. Since it’s fiction, you can do what you want, but just know that trying to have a conversation while sparring is like trying to have one while running. It tires you out even more, and usually just comes out breathless and wheezy.

-Swords are not lightsabers. You cannot try and hurt someone with just any part of your blade. It will just annoy your opponent. Now, for sparring, you will want to focus on hitting your opponent with the edge of your blade, and you won’t really ever be trying to hit someone with the flat of your blade.

-In sparring, you will get hit. And get bruises. I count five from just 2 days ago. (Also reminder that bruises don’t form for 1-3 days.) If you happened to get a hard thrust to the ribs, they will probably fracture. It happens. I haven’t had it personally, but those who’ve trained longer have. The worst injury I’ve gotten is a bruise on my chest that didn’t fade for nearly a month.

-Grip!!! You don’t clutch your sword super tight. No. It limits movement. My instructor taught me to hold firmly with the thumb, pointer, and middle finger, and use the other two as more guiding fingers. You swing your sword with your wrist, not a big giant arm movement. That is tiring and slow. 

I will be focusing on using a one handed sword in this next bit, specifically a Scottish Regimental Broadsword. A basic sword to build off of.

-FOOTWORK. It’s not a super complicated series of perfectly planned out steps. It just isn’t. With Regimental Broadsword (which is what I will focus on, since it’s what I’ve trained with most), you have to have a good base (rear-weighted stance, front foot pointed at your opponent, back foot turned sideways), and then once you have that, you just have to move around and try not to get hit.

-Slipping. (Continuation of footwork). With a rear-weighted stance, the goal is to be able to move the front foot anywhere. You should actually be able to keep your front foot an inch off the ground without having to adjust your back foot. Slipping is when this comes in handy. If your opponent takes a swing at your front leg, you should be able to just slip it back to go next to your other foot, and swing your sword up to get your opponents head. Slipping is really important.

-Advance and Retreat (other continuation of footwork). While moving forward or back, you always want to feel the ground with a heel-toe movement, so you can tell if there are rocks or branches and such. Advancing, you want to move your front leg first. Retreating, your back leg.

-Traversing (last continuation of footwork)(maybe). Transversing is basically advancing in on your opponent in a circular motion. You’re trying to get close and personal. Reminder to not cross your feet. You will loose balance and probably end up getting whacked with a sword. Traversing is a spiral motion sort of. Your opponent can avoid getting trapped If they do it as well.

I will probably come back and add more soon, because there’s more I know, but can’t remember at the moment.

[chrmnmrl]

[chrmnmrl]

September 6, 2021

So much is going on right now. To be honest, this year has been the heaviest mental health-wise. I like to believe I’m always a positive person, but what I’ve grown to learn is that perhaps a lot of dismissive and toxic positivity may have been at play. I’ve been feeling alone, tired, unmotivated but the world keeps moving around me and I’m trying to move with it – and I am! There’s so much growth happening around me and I’ve been trying to be better about celebrating it as it happens.

For example…

This weekend, our house offer #4 got accepted! After months and months of viewing and offering on and getting beat out for houses, we finally got an offer accepted and we’re so excited. We settled on Oregon City; a little suburb outside Portland where Austin grew up. It’s close to his family, friends who are family to him, and also OC is developing! There’s a lot nearby and we feel safe here. It’s a beautiful home though — we feel like it’s exactly what we were looking for and we got it for only a little over budget.

There are two rooms; the master bedroom is huge! But there’s also a finished garage, extra storage space above the garage, an entire extra living room space with windows and daylight everywhere. There’s even a little nook outside the kitchen that would be perfect for coffee or journaling and all. The backyard is a great size. It’s really all I could ask for, all Austin could ask for and we feel really blessed and lucky to have this home accepted. Now we’re going through the final steps to get it all locked in, and hopefully have the keys by October!! We’ll see.

It took a long journey from deciding to live with his parents, to moving everything in, to having to adjust living with his brother, to not having privacy, to deciding whether we want to live in St. John’s or Oregon City, to deciding we’d be okay with OC if it means giving my mom a safety net home, to seeing houses every week, putting offers, getting rejected, and now… Here!

The mom thing is a big thing, though. Of course I’d love to just live in a home with Austin. But my mama is getting old, and COVID really emphasized that for me. My mom has no savings, because she’s made a lot of poor financial decisions ever since she was young. We don’t have the privilege of generational wealth for my mom to have a home for her old years… And no way in hell will she go to a nursing home. Whenever it is that she’s too old or weak or tired to work, at the very least I know that we can give her a room (and comfortably so) and that makes me really emotional. It’s of course a sacrifice… but so worth it if it means giving back to my mom this way.

I’m still waiting until we get the keys to let her know. But I’m really excited to let her know she doesn’t have to worry too much about the future.

For now, we’ll keep pushing forward each next step to lock down this home. Hopefully it’ll also allow me to leave my job and start full time with my freelancing. It’s crazy but it’s gonna be so worth it. It’s a cusp of a new season and I don’t think I’ve realized that til now — that life is going to dramatically change once again this month.

[chrmnmrl]

January 13, 2021

First experience with TCP community

It was summer of 2015. I had just left a toxic relationship that was rooted in and a traditional Reformed-Christian church community that didn’t keep their leaders accountable. This was my common experience in every single church community I had grown up in. 

When I left and was looking for a new church community to be part of, Keren (who I connected with through a summer Bible study) invited me to this church that her mentor, Cecily, attended. We went together (Keren, Alejandra, Eric and I) to a Sunday service.

During that first service, this couple went on stage to talk about their plans and calling to move to Portland. A fun video played with clips of them walking around coffeeshops in downtown Portland -- it looked so cool. They both seemed so down to earth and real and I thought it was cool they were leaving a lot to be in Portland. At one point, I thought, “I wish they weren’t leaving so I could get to know them more.” This couple was Anton and Courtney.

A few weeks later, Keren, Alejandra, Eric and I decided to join along a house community -- this was at Anton and Courtney’s Lemongrove house for Eden’s 2nd birthday. We honestly didn’t know anyone (I only recognized Dayna, Andy and Tim from brief interactions at SDCC), and we were nervous, but we wanted to get to know the church community better and stuck with it. 

There was a lot to it, but essentially what I saw was they actually seemed like a family who cared for each other, and wanted to follow the most basic and practical ways of living like Jesus, and living in the Spirit not just at Sunday service. This was healing to me. I leaned into this community, got mentored by Melissa, made lifelong friendships, and before I knew it, I changed all my plans and followed them to Portland.

[chrmnmrl]

January 5, 2021

Wow. So much has happened since that post from just two days ago! My mom got extubated and has been doing SO well since then! She’s improved so much that she moved out of the ICU to the DOU, which means she’s no longer in critical condition! There’s still a long way’s to go with healing, though. And we want to continue to pray for continued healing and protection over her as she recovers.

Last night, though, my mom was on video with Tito Andy, and her eyes were open for 15 minutes! Then with Ate Kiti, she saw and recognized her and her eyes locked on for so long! It was like she wanted to stay locked on for a long time but she knocked out again, lol. 

This morning was amazing. We had a spontaneous call and got to see mom awake -- looking around and at us, and she started smiling. She could hear us! And she knew us, and she told us she loves all of us. It’s been so amazing and relieving... Especially after literally 5 days ago wondering if she would make it or not. Lol I guess a nurse last night said that nurse brushed her arm against mom’s head by accident, and started apologizing a lot, and mom just smiled at her. :) So nice. 

It’s such a miracle. 

I was going to be on a call with mom earlier but I missed the link for 5 mins, and it expired! Hopefully tonight instead. We’ll see.

That’s the big update, though. My mom is doing freaking WELL.

The hard part now is having to wait -- I think it will be weeks until my mom is fully okay and recovered. We’re hoping for no complications. NO complications.

In the meantime, I want to continue living with this gratitude. I think I’m still in absolute shock, but man. Soooo many people were praying for Mom to get better. I almost physically felt the prayers. And then this happens. I don’t know.... You can’t help but feel like it might be related. Maybe sometimes I have doubt with healing miracles, because I’d never seen it before, but this is absolutely wild. This must be God. And I recognize God was with the medical staff who brought my mom back. Wow wow wow.

[chrmnmrl]

January 3, 2021

Had so many ups and downs. Last night, I was on a video call with my mom. It’s been amazing to get to see her -- even though painful. Two days ago, we saw her lungs being pumped with air. It looked so robotic, so mechanical and that was so rough to see. Yesterday, though, my mom’s breathing was her own. Each breath she took that we got to watch was initiated by her, so it looked a lot more natural and even. We were thankful for that -- it relaxed us.

All of a sudden, around 10:40pm, my mom started to move a bit. I was freaking out. Every few minutes she’d move around, move her arms, turn her head a little bit. I was sobbing tears of happiness to see her move, but also tears of sadness and fear that she was clearly in such pain and discomfort. My poor mom... It was miraculous, though. A couple of nights before then, I thought my mom would be gone that night. I thought if she were to take her own breaths, it wouldn’t be until days or weeks from now, but there she was breathing and moving. She even opened her eyes at one point, looking around confused and blinking.

It was encouraging, but painful to know from here on she’ll just have to suffer through and wait til she gets better.

This morning, the nurses told us she was extubated and out of the ventilator. It was exciting, and gave such hope and joy. But hours later, the nurse and doctor clarified -- they took her off of the ventilator not because she was conscious and responding to commands (like what is usually needed in order to be off of a ventilator), but because she was moving around so much and trying to get out of the tubes. They thought that if she had that much energy to try to get out of it, she’d be okay. So they took it out. However, she still hasn’t been conscious -- we’re nervous about this. Although it could just be leftover sedation from the minimal drugs, it also could be at its worse brain damage. We’re waiting to hear about what they see/test for her brain.

I hope my mom is okay. I’m nervous about it. Still hopefully, just... Really nervous. I can’t imagine if my mom has permanent and irreversible brain damage from having low oxygen for a few days. I hope she comes back, and I know it’d be hard if she loses some important functions... But I hope she comes back. I hope we get to hug her again and 

[chrmnmrl]

January 1, 2021

A lot has happened in the last 16 hours.

I guess right before Christmas, my Auntie Gloria tested positive for COVID, and the day before then, she and my mom hung out closely in the living room (they all live together in the same house). Unfortunately, my mom caught it and is experiencing it in one of the worst cases possible as of the past few days.

The first time she started feeling short of breath, she went to the hospital and they sent her back after her oxygen levels stabilized. It was already such a scare, but I knew she’d get better. When she got sent home, it was a good sign that she’s okay and didn’t need to be admitted.

The next few days, everything got worse. Her coughing was terrible. Tito Andy had to call the ambulance to get her because she seemed unconscious and wasn’t responding to him talking to her or anything -- she was breathing, but just... not there. When she was being taken away, my family was trying to ask her what her name is and all, but she just wasn’t responding and wasn’t aware. It’s acute confusion/delirium, I believe, which is not a good sign.

She went to the ER and again just wasn’t conscious of what was going on around her. Her oxygen levels were right at 80% (anything under is potentially damaging), but they gave her some support. They also said the scan of my mom’s lungs was “horrible.” And kept saying that (not comforting at all). My mom developed COVID pneumonia, and her lungs are hard “like concrete,” so it will be hard for her to receive the oxygen from the ventilator.

Ate Kiti called Ate Karen and I to give us the updates at this point. We were all in shock and sadness -- and we had to decide whether to put her on a ventilator, or not. It was one of the most intense conversations I’ve had to have in my life. Put her on a ventilator and likely have her on it for weeks, maybe even months, in a sedated/comatose state... Or take her off of it and let her go naturally. There were pros and cons to both, but overall we decided we want to take the chance and use the last option and put her on the ventilator.

The docs said they were glad we decided that when we did -- right before my mom got intubated, apparently her oxygen levels went down to 60% even on the 100% oxygen. She would have died last night if we didn’t decide.

I was for ventilator and trusting the medical staff. I was frustrated at Ate Kiti wanting to consider not putting her on it. She thought ventilators kill people -- it’s such a last option for these cases, but at the same time the ventilators aren’t the things killing the people; it’s that the people are already in such a bad condition that they already die. We were terrified, though.

Thankfully my mom’s vital signs stabilized and the staff described it as ‘fine’. Heart rate, oxygen levels, blood pressure are okay. They were able to lessen the forced oxygen from 100% to 50% this morning, which is a great sign, after they flipped mom on her belly which helps breathing. They flipped her back and are going to try to see if she can breathe on her own.  

[chrmnmrl]

December 13, 2020

This week has been really restful. Austin and I celebrated 3 years of being married -- it almost feels strange because it feels like we’ve been married for over 5 years, at least! But at the same time it only feels like we just had our wedding a year ago.

To celebrate, we went to Seattle for 5 days! We felt like it was safe enough to at least drive despite the pandemic -- we were just prepared to stay in a little bit more than usual and order takeout. It was all still so special though. Also, the day before we left, Austin surprised me with a floral arrangement by our wedding florist, and it made me cry! 

We road tripped up -- I can’t remember what but something or a series of things irritated me and started the first moments of the trip frustrated, but like always, Austin gives me time to cool down and we usually come to apologize to each other within 10 minutes and forgive each other. I love that he knows that I need that space to cool off -- I realize I came from a home environment where if things got heated, there would be no space for cooling off. Just bickering and constant yelling and punishment. I’m thankful Austin doesn’t punish me for feeling frustrated. Anyway...

We arrived to Seattle with no traffic! Which was actually kind of magical. The hotel we stayed was at the very cut off of where downtown Seattle gets a little sketch -- we tried not to mind it too much, as we’re trying our best not to internally dehumanize houseless folks, but we still stayed cautious around us. The hotel itself was nice, though! We had a beautiful view of the city and the room was spacious and cozy, with lots of natural light. I loved being in there. 

When we settled in, we decided to try something nearby and just go back to the room to eat. The receptionist recommended an Irish pub across the street -- we went, got food from a really friendly waiter, and we were surprised at how much we liked the food! It came with a mini chowder that was amazing, too. 

The second day, we walked around downtown. Had Elm Coffee (reallllyyy good cappuccino). Went to Pike Place Market, which was entirely EMPTY! So wild! The gum wall was empty (it had also been recently cleared off, so not as much gum as before), the streets had no traffic. It was kind of perfect for us, tbh. Then we had chowder at Pike Place Chowder! Literally the food highlight -- the market choice chowder is my favorite. Thankfully they had outdoor and balcony seating, so we went up and when we started eating, the sun came out! So fun. Starbucks Reserve (the influencer lol), a cute shop to pick up a Dumpling pin for Nina, and then went home to relax. Walked around HMart, found a beautiful architectural building, too. And then... Got BONCHON takeout!!

The next day, we tried going to Elm Coffee again but the location was closed. So we went across the street to Evoke Espresso! It was SO good and they served Heart and had a cute lil shop dog. Then went to Discovery Park, which was funny because it was the park we had gone to with Mitzi and Tony long ago -- we ended up not hiking there because we just didn’t expect it to be a longer hike, but we did go to Gasworks Park and walked around. It was rainy, but it was relaxing just walking around. OH, we also went to Kerry Park for the famous view of Seattle... But we drove into the heavy fog, and at the viewpoint you couldn’t see anything! It was pretty funny, actually. Then we went to Uwajimaya, got some Fruits Basket stuff and snacks, the AoT manga about Levi, and grabbed spam musubi, spicy noodles and chicken katsu from a spot in the asian market (this was lunch and dinner!). We stayed up and played games and watched cable tv -- then at midnight we exchanged gifts!

The gifts were special. I got him a compilation of gifts that reflected our 3rd year of marriage together -- Animal Crossing box, Animal Crossing handmade card, Flareon AirPods case, Crash Landing on You/Captain Ri mug, Damian Lillard Pokemon card, and a Cleaning Levi pin! I felt really proud of it!! Austin got me the flowers previously (which we brought to the hotel room, too) and then got a beautiful printed frame of one of our favorite wedding photos! It was so sweet.

The last full day, we went to Hood Famous Bakery, a Filipino-owned shop that celebrated filipino culture and flavors. It was really special! And SO good. I got an Ube latte, Austin got the Pandan latte, and also Ube cookies! On our way to the Selfie Museum we also sat at that same architectural building to drink our drinks and eat the cookies. It was fun and relaxing, despite being a little cold. Then the selfie museum! So random! But so fun to walk around to all of the sets. There was a space/light room that was just too cool. Then we got a small serving of chowder again from the same place, and then had Korean hotdogs for dinner!! 

The next morning we packed up and got ready to leave, but before then we stopped by Hood Famous once more to pick up a Miir mug that had a scenery view of Philippine rice fields. I felt like I couldn’t leave without it! Then we went to Uwajimaya again to grab more Fruits Basket merchandise, then some spam musubi for breakfast on the road! 

Unfortunately I got intense cramps like halfway through the road trip, so that was a bummer to end the trip on that note, but Austin was nice enough to drop me off at home on his way down to Oregon City to pick up Millie. It was an inconvenience but he didn’t complain about it, which is really sweet. He just wanted me to rest. I love him! 

Austin pinched a nerve in his neck the next day, so we decided to stay home and rest all day. Yesterday we visited The Great North’s new location in Vancouver, and we bumped into so many people while we were there, it was so sweet and fun. Then walked around Target to do some Christmas shopping, and we picked up a new game for ourselves! 

All in all, it’s been a restful week. I’m sad it ends tomorrow when we go back to work, but I’m also excited to not have a looming doom of photos on my list! Thankful for 3 fun and beautiful years of marriage and am excited to see what the next year grows within us. 

[chrmnmrl]

[chrmnmrl]

Another thing I’m processing from all of this...

It seems to also be a common thing where my sister and Ken need reasons to justify a person’s pain. When they get the reasons, they try to debunk it immediately without also actually addressing the fact that you have a person in front of you who just expressed the pain in their hearts. I’m thinking of these situations:

My dad’s girlfriend who was angry at my sisters and I for not forgiving dad yet. I was so insulted — who was she to tell us how to heal? Who was she to say we were at fault for not forgiving him yet?

Even my own sister. After I had hurt her, she and I had a rift that lasted 4 years. I apologized; she didn’t take it for awhile. I was sad, but I wasn’t angry or blaming her for not being the one to accept. I knew she needed time. And so that’s what I did. I never held it against her for not going to the wedding or anything, I just gave space for her to heal and to reconnect when she felt ready to. I waited and waited. When she reached out about visiting Portland, I stopped everything and took days off of work so I could spend time with her and bring her everywhere. We even opened up our home for her to stay the entire trip, and I picked her up from some late night art shows. I gave the space, never forced her out of it to hash things out, and when she showed up healed and ready I opened my arms with full gratitude and joy.

It took me that long to heal from some stupid relationship only happened for less than a year.

My healing and processing time for a spouse you are married to every day and permanently, may be a long time, too.

I honestly think I need more time. I don’t think 2020 and such a politically charged year is the time to reconnect healthily. To be quite honest, I started that group chat with just us to do those baby steps to at least stay connected even though I don’t want to dive into anymore mentally draining conversations. Time might be how I heal.

[chrmnmrl]

December 1, 2020

Well, this has been an interesting start to my rest month. I’m still swamped with two weddings due, gotta really crank out moving, and then...

I was forced to have a talk with my sisters about my brother-in-law.

It was pretty sudden — I didn’t have time to mentally prepare for something like that, but it was interesting and still left me unsettled. My sister, Karen, started the chat and told me my other sister’s wondering why I don’t talk to them, and what the barrier is. So I was honest.

The barrier is, and always has been, my brother in law. Extreme, extreme far-right. Aggressive. Prideful. Stubborn. Unempathetic. He’s the kind of person who would drive a car recklessly through a stop sign, with people in the car with him, and complain that the stop sign shouldn’t have been there. (Yes — he did this) Also dehumanizes gay people and speaks of them like they’re disgusting and delusional. (If I were to point this out, he would say, “Because they are.”)

My heart has been burdened and broken knowing and accepting the fact that I don’t get along with my brother in law. I feel obligated to love him only because he is my sister’s husband. But being around him, seeing him, hearing him, even reading his words puts me on edge and literally gives me anxiety. Even shopping for a Christmas gift and feeling afraid that he’ll think the gift is too materialistic of us to give.

I admit I shouldn’t have allowed my disdain for Ken cause such distance between my sister and I. I read through some things, and it said voicing out the fact that you don’t like your in law does not change anything. I think this is true. But I think in this case it’s hard because my sister thought I was being distant for no reason, and now thinks I have a responsibility to mend things with him when mentally and emotionally I do not want to anymore.

My sister said I’m not giving him a chance. But it’s been soooo many years of consistent behavioral things and interactions and harmful opinions. He is not a safe person to me. I don’t mean I feel physically threatened (I do not), but my mental health and joy is always threatened when I am around him. I don’t feel peace when I’m with him, or joy, or encouragement — only obligated love.

I am frustrated tonight. I’m also angry that my sister is giving an ultimatum, where if I don’t go on a Zoom call then “our relationship is over” in her mind. I know she’s speaking out of emotion tonight, but what a thing to say.

Austin reminded me of this, though: the fact that my relationship with my sister Karen has mended after years and years of distance and hardship, gives us hope that someday my relationship with Christi will be healed, too. I think for me I thought time would heal, and help me to not feel those feelings. And also give him time to grow and mature and get real with life around him. Unfortunately, my sis thought it was too much time and got hurt. I understand the pain, and I don’t discredit that. I recognize I fucked up that way. But also she needs to know that the reason why I didn’t connect is because of her husband. When I connect I want to know I’m connecting with her, and not Ken right next to her ready to snap at anything.

Sigh. I’m just tired. I have a lot to process.

[chrmnmrl]

Nov 29, 2020

It’s been FOREVER since blogging on this account -- I actually completely forgot that I started a new blog to document more thoughts. The last time I blogged was actually March 2019, which doesn’t feel like that long ago, but also... That’s a whole year and a half of life.

Right now we’re at month 10 of getting through this strange 2020 pandemic. So many things have happened, and maybe I can start jotting down all the positive things that have happened (there are many), but for now, I’d love to spend some time to just process life right now.

Austin and I are almost at 3 years of marriage! And we’re still going extremely strong -- things still feel secure, even strengthened, and so so so open and comfortable with each other. I feel really blessed to have a marriage that just isn’t complicated. I know, I know, people have their own journeys in their marriages and it’s a rough start after that “honeymoon phase,” but that just hasn’t been the case for us. Sometimes I like to think this is God’s embracing gift to us after all we both went through and conquered in the past. I feel really thankful! 

Our first home/apartment in the heart of St. John’s has also been such a blessing for these past three years. We’ve been able to constantly walk to and from the coffeeshop and all of the local places -- it really feels like we’ve set our foundations in this neighborhood. We didn’t necessarily connect with our apartment neighbors, but there are so many handfuls of friendly people on our streets who we got used to saying hi or having a passing conversation with on walks. I’ve never really experienced this kind of neighborhood, so I’m excited we’ve decided to commit to finding a permanent home here when the time comes.

And that leads me to the biggest update: we’re moving out of the apartment to live with Austin’s parents for a few months in Oregon City. This pandemic is literally a once in a lifetime thing -- when else are we both going to be able to work from home, and be forced/encouraged to just stay home? We thought we’d might as well just move in with them, save a LOT of money, and when the time comes, we’d be more ready to put a down payment on a home. It’s exciting. We started that process a few months ago and we’re just soooo close to that, but moving to OC will close that gap! 

I will say, I’m pretty nervous about living with his parents -- not because I don’t like them or anything, but because I know that living with others and not having my own isolated home to myself is hard for me as an introvert who depends on my space to recharge. Also nervous because living closely with anyone will expose and reveal more about yourself, even the not-so-ideal parts. I’m glad that I feel safe and comfortable with his parents already, which is a blessing, but I’ve been curious if living altogether will make them not like me for certain reasons -- I don’t even know what reasons! I know this might be an unnecessary fear, but I’m sure this is just coming out of my being a 2, constantly wanting to perform and be liked haha. I’m sure the Lord is going to grow me tremendously in this season.

It’s also just generally been interesting going forward in life, and realizing my life is progressing. Getting ready to buy a home makes starting a family feel a lot closer, and that has probably been my biggest hidden fear. Half of me knows I want to be a mother, but the other half honestly doesn’t know if I actually do. Half of me wants to raise and protect and grow and invest everything into a child, but the other half knows she just wants to make Austin a father because he would be a wonderful one. I don’t know. I also know it’s becoming more normal to not have kids, and that it shouldn’t be shameful to choose to not have kids and invest in humans in other ways. But I also don’t want to regret not having kids if we choose not to. I know Austin deep down wants to. I think of all things in my mid/late-20′s, this will be something I’ll be processing the most emotionally and mentally. (Which, honestly, is even weird to think that I’m even in that stage of life where I have to start processing!)

Anyway... I think that’s about it for now! We’re getting through the pandemic, we’re blessed and privileged to still be able to prep to buy a home, and I’m also processing if parenthood is where my heart is in the near future. I can’t fathom it, but all these questions will be answered soon!

I’ll try to blog things more to document everything going on :-) 

[chrmnmrl]

March 4th

I just booked yet another wedding -- the 8th of the year -- and I’m planning on meeting with another set of potential clients to book the 9th one! 

It’s pretty amazing how much momentum I’ve been gaining with probably my minimal amount of effort with marketing and getting my name and work out there. I’m really excited for what’s to come. 

This past Saturday in huddle, we talked about how the American culture is obsessed with achieving individual dreams. I think about how that has affected me. I think it’s great that I’m able to have this dream to have a successful wedding photography business -- but am I trying to achieve this for the sake of “success” or is it because I actually enjoy it? I know I enjoy it! But I think it’s more so the idea of being able to be satisfied with the minimal amount of success. And NOT being obsessed with having to be more and more and more successful, or better than someone else, etc. There’s a lot of elements here. 

It was a good reminder for me as I ease into a season of growing more and more. 

I want to still be in love with my craft, and not obsessed with the business side of things. 

And I think that’s probably the best way to honor God with that gifting. I want to avoid being obsessed with the marketing and money, but continue being a light to all these couples and families. And being generous and willing to share the provision I receive from these weddings. 

Cheers to a season of growth and learning!

[chrmnmrl]

February 26th

I used to blog very often -- it helped me reflect and process things that were going on in life, and I think I need to get back to doing it again. Journaling/blogging is a way for me to stop and soak in life. Lately, I’ve just been cruising through all the moments, just looking forward to being home with Austin. 

I think most of the heaviness in life right now comes from work. I still work at PLG, and it’s been alright. I’m still hurt and frustrated that my boss seemed to try to replace me -- tried to find other photographers he liked better, and seemed like he wanted to let me go because he didn’t like my photos (yet never communicated that he had a problem with my images). I don’t know if the creative director truly likes my work, and recently planned a whole bridal shoot and no one invited me, the lead photographer, to come along to shoot. 

It’s all just been pretty weird. I still am not close to anyone in the crew, which makes it really hard to want to go to work and to get up and go. My boss doesn’t really talk or converse with me, outside of what he needs from me -- though he seems to be amiable with everyone else in the room. 

I think about how lucky I am to have even gotten this job. I’m always going to be grateful for it. But I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to work here, honestly. It doesn’t spark joy, and it hasn’t really in the past half year. 

Part of me still feels like I won’t find a job better than this.

But the other part of me knows and believes that my heart is invested in my wedding photography business. And I want to make it consistent and strong and growing, so that I can step away from a workplace that has been mentally and emotionally draining me.