chroniclesinlacuna - Tumblr blog

[chroniclesinlacuna]

As I become more accepting (and quietly/impatiently excited) about my future as a man, the fact that I don't have anyone to celebrate with fucking hurts.

But I can't go out and find anyone because I don't feel or look like the man I want to be. But if I don't, I'm not even as excited to fucking get there.

I hate this.

[chroniclesinlacuna]

I exercised (...just a 1 mile stationary bike ride but STILL), showered and cooked today.

I'm still tired. I'm still upset about the cleaning I also need to do. And I still hurt.

But it's something. And I'm proud.

[chroniclesinlacuna]

I wanna see the Tempest after ten years. Yes I love that MEA gives us a beautiful shiny ship but I wanna see what she looks like after 10 years bouncing around Heleus and beyond. Dents in the doorframes from so many "oops! that doesn't fit!"'s, chrome scuffed up from wear, rubber ingrained into the glass walkway to Ryder's cabin from unnumerable times Ryder's pivoted on that one spot to slide down the ladder. I want to see how the use of rooms changes - maybe they get a better rec room set up, maybe the two rooms downstairs become bedrooms so everyone has somewhere to sleep aside from the bunk room - and how they personalise the inside of the Tempest further. Stickers slapped over the tops of doorways, graffiti on the cupboards of the kitchen, sticky notes on the comm reminding everyone to hang up on Tann if the opportunity arises to pass it off as a signal drop, plants both self-propagated and deliberately brought in on the walls. I want the deck ladder on one side to be a little bit loose so it squeals when someone slides down it and I want the door to the bathroom to have a tendency to stick. I want the ship to be loved and to be lived in after ten years use.

[chroniclesinlacuna]

saw a poll about dry/humid heat and like OBVIOUSLY everyone preferred dry heat but. would love to know what everyone considers to be “too hot”

me personally it’s a hard cutoff at 75°F. don’t need anything more than that thank you 🫶🫶🫶

[chroniclesinlacuna]

Things I should be writing: next session for dnd, the outline for my paranormal book idea, the outline for my sci fi book idea

Things I want to write but have nothing for beyond Vibes™️: the Big Eden homage that I've had on back burner for years

[chroniclesinlacuna]

For the purposes of this poll please just stick to birth names! I'd like to do another poll for names people chose themselves later in life.

[chroniclesinlacuna]

being someone’s loser boyfriend would legit be so gender affirming for me. i was meant to be a guy who sucks

[chroniclesinlacuna]

Trying to get yourself killed with the Doemenels

[chroniclesinlacuna]

I want a house. I want a house that's mine that I can paint, decorate, and live in in a way I just can't surrounded by strangers.

And I am so fucking pissed that I work a decent job, and it's just. Not possible. It's fucking bullshit, and my boss, who I do love normally, just has no fucking clue.

[chroniclesinlacuna]

You wanna talk “coping” in fandom? Okay. Let’s talk about the mental health of fans of color. Let’s talk about how racism causes persistent emotional stress that negatively affects mental health. Let’s talk about how people of color who try to deny the existence and effect of racism can suffer lower self-esteem and internalized self-hatred as a result. Let’s talk about how even everyday microaggressions can pile up and cause depression, anxiety, and physical symptoms including pain and fatigue. Let’s talk about how a study of Black Americans found that distress from racial discrimination may contribute to age-related diseases like heart disease and diabetes.

Every single issue fans of color have discussed–the racist stereotypes, the fucking slavery and Holocaust AUs, the fetishization, the whitewashing, the erasure, the demonization–has been about their mental health. Every single step they have taken, from elaborate search filters to massive block lists, has been about getting some breathing space in a fandom that is relentlessly hostile to them.

So if you’re so concerned about the mental health of fans and the means they use to cope, why are you disregarding entire groups of fans who are trying to cope?

This is why it’s so disingenuous to answer discussions of fandom racism with “But what about coping?” Even leaving aside the fact that not all coping mechanisms are useful or healthy and that coping through racism is a pretty wtf proposition in itself, this response makes assumptions about mental health that are easily countered by research–that mental illness is necessarily an individual issue, and that discrimination like racism is not a significant, society-wide threat to the mental health of people affected by it. As though mental illness has a certain look that doesn’t include fans of color. As though fans who are outspoken about racism in fandom are posturing for moral high ground about an issue that harms no one. The “coping” response erases the mental health issues of fans of color, something they face all too often in real life.

[chroniclesinlacuna]

hm. Congrats to 911 on bi-Buck. They explore Eddie/Buck, I'll watch again, but still, good to see!

[chroniclesinlacuna]

Hm. Guess it's existential crisis time. Thought I'd make it to 40 first.

[chroniclesinlacuna]

have you joined the chronic pain club today? it's not too late!

[chroniclesinlacuna]

You know, I really really hope someday that a) the testosterone actually kicks in and b) it kicks in enough that I can try growing my hair out again. I really really hope so.

[chroniclesinlacuna]

I just get incomprehensibly bewildered every single time I hear about commercial airline fuckups. Coming as I do from the world of naval aviation, the shit commercial airlines get up to confounds me.

Did the navy try to rush us during peak flight schedule? Yeah, course they did. And you know what we were trained to do? To tell them to go fuck themselves, because safety came FIRST. I’m serious. I always performed full inspections. I pissed off people weekly for finding flaws that made the jets unsafe to fly. I once told a guy two ranks above me “no” and stood there and refused to do the task until it was safe to do it. I made him and the pilots wait the full 5 minutes. After the jet took off, he came up to me and admitted I’d been right. Yeah, I know. You’re welcome for me refusing to do a thing I knew would catch the jet on fire with the pilots inside.

And navy jets have REDUNDANCY. They have two of everything. Learning some commercial jets only have ONE piece of equipment, a sensor that records the angle of the plane, that was connected to a computer that could override the pilot’s input and force the jet to careen towards the ground? Yeah. Terrifying.

I look at commercial aviation and go “look what you’ve done. You’ve ruined a perfectly good form of transportation.”

Anyway trains are better and if I could get where I’m going next month without flying I would.

[chroniclesinlacuna]

Everytime my mom comes over to drop off the dog, I have to cringe 'cause she kinda just looks at the mess and goes "...you did this in a week?"

And it takes everything in me not to correct her to, no, I did that in three days. Be glad it's contained to the kitchen.