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For yearsssss I used beg and plead for us to have constant communication in between meetups, I attributed that to a “real” friendship. I am finally at a space where I don’t feel lonely or melancholic longing for the past. I appreciate the space we’re in NOW. You should be rejoicing that we’re doing this friendship thing your way, perhaps I should be the one rejoicing that I finally got the message
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My brain gets it… logic understands. Can someone please please please talk to my stupid heart. It refuses to see reason. I’ve tried to no avail. I’m still in love.
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Update. You are NOT HIS best friend. That went away even before he said I do. I tell you over and over again what my love language is. Don’t leave in the dark. Don’t make me feel unimportant. You couldn’t say anything because you promised HER you’d stay quiet. I knew I lost you when you felt more guilt betraying her trust than breaking my heart (for the second) the same way you broke it before. I had to practically BEG you for information which I knew in my gut to be true. You don’t consider me. You don’t consider my feelings. I tell what hurts me and you proceeded to do just that. But honestly accountability time.. what did I expect??? For you choose my emotional well being just this once? You didn’t keep things from me to protect my feelings, something I believe for a long time. You kept things from me because I don’t fit. I am not important enough in that aspect. I am not your friend. You told me a few times, you’re gonna hate me. I was sure that can never be. Now I know why you would say such a thing…. Now I can see that it’s not so impossible.
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We saw each other the following the. We talked, we laughed, I cried. Among other things. Now I gotta learn to keep my emotions at bay. He’s my best friend but I’m not sure I’m his.
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You’re getting so comfortable not speaking to me every day. I notice. I miss you. But I get it. I’m almost there … or at the very least I’m TRYING… I’m trying to get over you as I see you’re over me. I hate that I love you. Still. I don’t want you to love me like I love you. I want to not love you like you don’t love me.
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Yesterday was the first time in a long time where I felt like we effectively committed and had a fun drama-free time. I had a great time with you.
I wanna tell him this but I don’t wanna be vulnerable… that can get me hurt. Let me just enjoy this high
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Yesterday 01-17-2022 was particularly sad. I’ve been “okay” not sad or happy. Just okay. Until I got my hopes up again. Until you made me excited again only for you to crush me with disappointment. You know the worst part?!! I ALLOW myself to believe when I should know better but every time you give me a glimmer of hope I go running like and idiot. Lying, cheating and scheming just to be with you. Then you say “something’s come up” and back to obscurity I go. You say “you hate me?” I say “I wish, I could never hate you, but sometimes I don’t like myself” and that is the most honest thing I’ve said all year. Besides “I love you” to photos of you, photos of us. I loveD us.
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I just had a birthday and you wished me well. Even told me you loved me. You probably won’t even realize that it was the first time you made it a cinematographic evidence, don’t worry it’s for my eyes and ears only to love and cherish forever. I love you too. Still do. I suppose I always will. Smiling at the irony.
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Re-reading my previous blogs about how much I love him and how I don’t wanna love him anymore… honestly it sounds pathetic. Like MOVE ON. That’s my mood today.
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Still years later, some days I’m not any closer.
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