chroniclesoftheflightlessbird

[chroniclesoftheflightlessbird]

January 16, 2022

One of my favourite sayings about soulmates or 2 humans being being ‘made for each other’ comes from Greek Mythology. They say that humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs, 2 heads, and 2 hearts. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into 2, forever cursing every single person to look for the other part of them for the rest of their lives.

I’ve fallen fast before. I pretty much gave myself away to the kind of person who likes to manipulate the realities of vulnerable minds, and became one of his victims until I didn’t want to be vulnerable anymore. It has been 2 weeks since I have been away from him, and I’m slowly starting to realize that the love I had for the man I vowed to be with forever, was forced because I was scared to be alone, and truly believed I wouldn’t ever find a connection like ours. In the beginning, I was so infatuated, that I wrote poetry about him. However, looking back, not only was I in the most love-bomb fueled, fake honeymoon stage of a relationship I had ever experienced, but I was also going through a break up with someone I was with for over 4 years, who had taken my trust and shoved it down my own throat when he cheated on me with my best friend. At the same time, I quit doing opiates on a daily basis, and ended up quitting cold turkey, with only cannabis to help me through the withdrawals. So, can you imagine the kind of brain space I was in when my manipulator and I got together? He took that as the biggest sign, as a way to ‘save me’ and himself; an escape from the hell hole he was living. How the hell I thought it would be okay to say “Yes, I’ll marry you” after only knowing the man for 5 months, I’ll never understand. All I can really say is, you’ll do anything to survive when you’re scared.

Flash forward to now. I’m separated from my manipulator. In fact, I’ve put up some serious boundaries between us. We’ve agreed that divorce is the best course of action, however, we must be separated for a year anyway.

But I’ve met someone.

Back in October 2020, I was in a music video for an absolutely insane local band called I See Aura. I fell in love with the band and their music leading up to the video. I was really looking forward to being their ‘witch’ for their newest single. They originally asked both my manipulator and I to do the video, as they had a whole story line planned out, with him involved. Last minute, he decided to start a fight and not want to go, and ALMOST made me completely back out of the video because he just kept being mean or toxic about the situation. When I showed up at the grungey ass basement scene, I was pleasantly surprised to see purple fireworks. The first time I spoke to Mike, he told me how awesome it was to meet me and I never really thought too much about it, but my soul recognized his that day, and it resonated since that day. Throughout the last year and a half or so, he would message me here and there to talk about things we posted, or to compliment my photos that he liked. Once I knew I was going to be leaving my toxic situation, I asked Mike if he would like to have a drink with me sometime, and he agreed right away, even bringing up my manipulator. I was honest and told him about separating, and we have spoken ever since. The thing is, we genuinely talked. We would talk about our favourites, or dislikes, our dreams, our interests, our past, stories that make us who we are, et cetera, et cetera. Finally, about 2 weeks after moving in to my new house, he agreed to come see me, and on January 8, 2022, I believe I met my true soulmate.

I know, I know. Don’t fall too fast, don’t fall in love, you just got out of a relationship, blahblahblah. That’s not what I want to hear. I’ve told myself all of this over and over again and have even tried to talk to other guys to try and get away from whatever this is, but I just can’t. You see, it’s so easy. Have you ever been able to sit in silence with someone and simply exist? Breathe in their scent and just be content with that for the rest of your life? Have you ever looked into somebody’s eyes and feel like you’re absolutely melting into your bones? Have you ever kissed somebody and feel their passion so deeply, that it feels like fire in your veins? Or have you ever been in the presence of somebody who simply grounds you and makes you feel the most calm and at home in your own home than anything in the world? These feelings didn’t happen in time. They were instant. We came back to my place after being out for an hour or so for a small photoshoot for myself and I was instantly comfortable with him. It took him a while to touch me and get close to me, but when he eventually did, I got answers to so many different questions I didn’t even know I had. We cuddled a bit and breathed each other in, but as soon as I kissed him, that was it. I was in absolute paradise, drunk off of the sweet smell of his lavender deodorant, and head over heels. I swore to myself I wouldn’t let him complete me, but I didn’t do anything. He just came into my life, and it felt like that instantly. And we’ve talked about it. I don’t want any expectations, and I don’t want any pressure. I just want to see where this connection leads us. Whether that means we have the most amazing summer of our lives together, or we end up as lucky as his parents and fall in love and be happy for the next 40 years. 

All I know is that I genuinely could not picture my life with anybody else. Like I said, I even tried talking to a more people in hopes it was just my brain getting attached too fast. But, on Friday, after making love for the first time, we sat in a bubble bath filled with CBD and flowers, had a glass of wine and smoked a couple joints and I don’t think I’ll ever want anything to do with anyone else romantically ever again. I’m just going to continue this adventure with this incredible human, and see where it takes us.

[chroniclesoftheflightlessbird]

18 Months Later...

January 16, 2022

How delusional was I?

I go back and I read that first blog post, written on August 14, 2020, just under 2 months of being married to the man that would become a black hole in my “dream life”. 

What the hell was I thinking? 

I was so naïve and desperate for someone to love me, that I allowed someone to manipulate me into thinking they were somebody they weren’t. This man promised me a simple but satisfying life; what he gave me was the feeling of a gaping hole in my chest and the unwillingness to see my own worth in this world. 

I was absolutely drained.

Not only was the cooking, cleaning & grocery shopping dependent of my entire existence, but I became his emotional punching bag. I wouldn’t have even opened my eyes in the morning yet and he would be calling me to complain about something that was happening to him at work. As a truck driver, his did his job alone, so I understood he would need to vent sometimes. However, it got ridiculous. I was the one he would vent to about every little thing in his work life and home life, and it left no room for me to vent about mine. 

I realized I’d had enough.

So I confronted him more than once, and he never took anything I said seriously. In fact, he would always try to manipulate me into thinking it was all in my head or that it was ME who had the issues. Eventually, I’ll admit, I became distant and cold towards him, but I couldn’t help it. It was honestly as if he truly believed that because I was legally bound to him, that I wouldn’t put my foot down and leave him. 

So then came Christmas Day.

Not that pushing him away was okay, but he kept coming closer to me, and repeating the same 3 words. “You’re not taking him.” “You’re not taking him.��� “You’re not taking him.” “You’re not taking him.” “You’re not taking him.” Over and over and over and over again.  Referring to our cat, who was obviously mine. So when I told him that he can have what I love, then I get what he loves: his computer, and he put his hands around my throat for threatening to destroy it, I knew that this was the absolute end of anything and everything we were. He took something I would trust him to do during intimacy, and used it with anger instead of love. 

And from then until December 28, I was in survival mode. I laughed, I cried. I pretended that everything was okay, because I knew that if I was to try and leave again, I may end up in a worse position than I did on Christmas Day. I allowed him to have sex with me and when he would try to choke me, it would send me right back to the anger and I would almost lose it.. almost give it away that I was secretly leaving out the back door. Then, while he was gone for work, I started packing from 4:30 a.m. until 7 a.m., and locked the door behind me.

And now, here I am.

In my own place with just my kitty and I. Learning to live on our own together, make new memories, new routines. It’s not without pain. He has called and tried to make things better, and I have called and done the same. But we are toxic for eachother now. There is no coming back from what we went through, no matter how much therapy we do or how many years we stay together. I wanted the life that he promised me, but instead, I was given his worst moods, his excuses and his manipulation tactics to keep me under his spell at all times. But, being away from him now for over 14 days has been proven extremely helpful, and I am thankful for the solitude and disconnect. It is helping me realize more about myself and him than I ever imagined. And now, for my newest journey, as the flightless bird starts over once again.

[chroniclesoftheflightlessbird]

im that friend that gives u lectures about life but does everything wrong

[chroniclesoftheflightlessbird]

the day i realized that i didn’t harbor old love for you anymore, was a beautiful one. it had been months since i’d last felt your presence in every quiet pause. and i had moved on ages ago, i just forgot to remember each time you reappeared in my thoughts- if you ever did. so now i don’t have a date of when i finally let you go, i simply have a date of when i finally realized that i let you go. and maybe that’s all i ever needed.

letting go happens quietly |(morsus engel)| (via morsusengel)

[chroniclesoftheflightlessbird]

i am love. i am the epitome of love. i am the sky making love to the sea, i am the hands tracing bodies under peach tinted light. i am finger-painted walls and forbidden glances. i am unrelenting ecstasy. i am overflowing with kind words and warm palms. i am of love, born from carefree liberation and endless sunshine. i am love in every way i exist. i am love because when the hate consumed me- nothing was beautiful, nothing glowed, and nothing lived in radiance, not even me.

everything is beautiful. |(morsus engel)| (via morsusengel)

[chroniclesoftheflightlessbird]

[chroniclesoftheflightlessbird]

☆

[chroniclesoftheflightlessbird]

“I saw that you were perfect and so I loved you. Then I saw that you were not perfect and I loved you even more.”

— (via hplyrikz)

[chroniclesoftheflightlessbird]

i am terrified by how quickly people change their minds. it fucking terrifies me to think about letting someone in and trusting them and then them just changing their mind about me. and it terrifies me because it’s happened too many times

[chroniclesoftheflightlessbird]

person: why are you drinking coffee, don’t you have anxiety?? won’t that make it worse??

me:

[chroniclesoftheflightlessbird]

[chroniclesoftheflightlessbird]

[chroniclesoftheflightlessbird]

You deserve more good days, and I’m going to do everything I can to give them to you.

[chroniclesoftheflightlessbird]

via weheartit

[chroniclesoftheflightlessbird]

Royal high-ness

[chroniclesoftheflightlessbird]

follow my art on insta!

(C.B)(5.4.19)

[chroniclesoftheflightlessbird]

“The darkest place I’ve ever seen was inside me, and nothing scared me more.”

— HealthyPlace.com