chyquando

[chyquando]

No Alarms and No Surprises, Please

I have had a long stretch with The Lord where He has continued to bless me to feel His love and grant me grace in rich supply…

I will say I often reach areas of testing where I can feel myself fall away from the garden. For a time… to choose… to continue to practice choosing… this liminal space between the distance, and time. Where my decisions need to be made and practiced.

It’s just heartbreaking when you have brain damage to deal with… a restructuring and remodeling a whole new neurological blueprint seems to be only something God can see… I’m in this blind. I’m just the Journeyperson having to do the work to take things apart and set things back in order… but I can’t do it without God seeing what’s been behind these walls all along. What pathways can I use and resend to? How will I know it will not go back in the same direction?

Every once in a while… I will meet a stranger that it feels like I’ve known for some time. There it is… the pull, the electrons spinning in reverse in observance of another’s magnetic beauty. The invisible force that is binding us together, but this time it’s different. No… it’s the same pathway.. it’s always the same. I thought I fixed that… No… it’s not fixable, not now, the Master Builder says, “It’s for a purpose.”

Is this the purpose, Lord? To choose, despite the damage that slowly kills me, thy will? I know you would tell me to choose for myself, and I think I remember once that you told me you would be merciful unto me… but I wanted to make sure that wasn’t just what I wanted to hear, and I chose the strict road. I chose thy word. You have shown me miracle after miracle and I cannot step away, Lord. Where else will I go? Who else is there for me to go to? I will not leave, Lord. You are my shepherd.

But can I be honest with you for a second, Lord? When I am performing your will, I am so happy and thankful and full of light and love from thee. I never thirst. Yet, when I meet a woman astounding as she is… with an uncanny familiarity… which I know is truama… I know too much now that it kills me to want to fall into her arms while not even knowing her, and finding that she wouldn’t even want me at all… it’s embarrassing and I still and already love the person. This pull is so strong I already know that she feels it too. She’s fighting it just as much as I am because she knows too much just like I do.

But she wants to try to continue to date women and see for herself… and she thinks it might be me… but it won’t be me. Lord, a part of me wishes it could be me, but you already showed me (when I was once in her place) that it only ends in pain and anguish… because I am damaged goods, I end up damaging good people.

Thus Lord… I find the fall, I feel the stillness beneath my wings, and I have to free fall alone and flap with all my energy this time… to choose to leave her alone… and remain alone myself… my passion for life leaves me… as if joy had slipped through my fingers.

I know I have to go it alone… I’m just sad about it right now. I know the sadness will pass too. She might be someone I met for a time to give me advice and to challenge me.

I know I will never forget the woman who brought me to this point.. the woman you sent to me who I thought I was going to marry. I know you sent her to me to bring me back to you. I still think of her all the time, and it doesn’t hurt anymore. I imagine she is doing well and has matured and been blessed from the experience we went through. I try to remember her as a gift to keep going on this path that I am with you now, Lord. Thank you for her, and thank you for my trials… I will do my best to make you proud, and I will continue to work with you though my struggles.

[chyquando]

Dear Mom,

You never asked me what happened that day. You never asked. You told me to tell God I was sorry, and you told me I should feel ashamed and disgusting for what someone did to me. You told me this at 5 years old.

You never stood up for me the way I wished you would have… you never spoke up for me when my dad was screaming at me, there were a handful of times you did, but then you just stopped… you ignored it… you ignored me… you never came to console me about it or tell me that what he was saying was all lies… 

I mean, I get that you’re a logical person… I get that you’re realistic… but when I asked you if I was fat, and you said, “well, you’re overweight…” and I began bawling my eyes out… and you were standing there with the door open asking, “are you okay?” And I told you to go away at 10 years old, you didn’t think that would’ve been a perfect time to sit with me and hold me and tell me I’m beautiful?? You took the easy out and shut the door and left me alone.

I get that you wanted me to make good money growing up, but when I was a teenager wanting to try new things… you kept putting me down telling me “you could never do that” for one reason or another… my dreams of joining the military were crushed, and I wasn’t sure if I should sink or swim… trying to find something new for myself after deserting a dream you didn’t even ask to know about that I had for 5 years…. All these other ideas I was reaching for, going to art school, going to audio tech school for music, attempting to be a veterinarian…. Carpentry…. All these things you told me I wouldn’t be good at, or were too expensive, or wasn’t going to get me anywhere in life that was at least middle class that I wasn’t being realistic… and you didn’t even offer anything beyond that to help me grab onto… you didn’t even throw me a life preserver.

 When I wanted to play any sport like basketball, you said, “well how are you going to get home? I’m not picking you up. Your dad works and drinks in the evenings. You can’t go if you don’t have a way to get home.” ….practice ended at 7pm…. And you couldn’t pick me up a mile away?

I used to beg you to take us to the park when I was little, and you never did, instead you told my sister to do it. Take care of the chore of spending time with me.

In all of elementary school I was a scream for help and you always assumed the worst in me. I cried and didn’t want to go to school every day, my solice was in my dreams and nightmares and waking in the morning on a Saturday. Every day felt like the first day of school with my nerves. And the first day of school was always excruciating for me. I used to hide in the bathrooms during lunch to eat my food. I once tried to get away with being in the bathroom the whole rest of the day to hide, but a school monitor came in and noticed me and stepped out and I ran out before they could come back. I had serious stomach pains and you gave me Ibuprofen and told me to keep going. I came home and fell to the floor crying my eyes out about what happened at school that day… and who comes to comfort me? Not you… it was never you… I was told to go to my room…. Where were you??? Teachers came to talk to you about me and ask if I was being bullied, and you never had any idea… I had no friends… none of these ever rang a bell… if you had to keep going in your misery, I guess I did too… I guess we all did…

My friend Jeffrey needed to be taken to the hospital immediately while we were at church because I found out he was taking drugs and unwell, and you abandoned me. You said, ”he’s your friend, all that drug business ill have none of it. he got himself into this situation, if you want to drive him you take him yourself.” he was with us in the car you drove… you drove us to our house, and i decided to take him myself. Fantasia, another person who really hurt me, at least she had the decency and love for me to come with me and not have to bring him in alone. For that, I will always have compassion for her. But you? Couldn't be you, Mom. I came home to chew you out for an apology because at this point I was 23… and I had grown a little backbone. You told me you didn’t have to apologize to me because you were my mother. Jeffrey? He’s alive today because I decided to take him in that day.

The one moment I tried to tell you I was gay, the one random day that a wild hair went up my ass and I thought, “well, just maybe.. since we’ve been spending so much time together and getting so close, I think I feel safe finally to ask… not completely safe, but maybe if I ask her this way…..” I asked you what you would do if I was gay one morning when we went out for diet chocolate shakes together… and your response, “you better not be gay! oh, you better not be gay, not in my house. I didn’t raise you to be that way.”

Well mom… you were right… you didn’t raise me… you never lifted me up on your shoulders like that… neither did my father.. I have another letter for him… and I have more for you… but for now, I think I want to stop crying and dissociating from this.

[chyquando]

Prisoners At Best

It just occurred to me that I’ve never lived with and made love to someone I was in love with who was in love with me back yet… and I’m nearly 30 years old… I spent my entire 20’s… suppressing myself…. And before that I lived with my parents, so I couldn’t really take off yet and actually live a life I wanted. 

The first time I ever had sex for real we knew we loved and cared for eachother, but we were just teenagers… and nothing we owned was ours, we were still prisoners to our lives… all our dates were us sneaking around. But she wasn’t in love with me, and I don’t know if I was in love with her, but she meant everything to me. And I thought I was going to marry her. And it crushed me seeing her with other girls, and she asked me to be her friend… and I was left with parents who didn’t like me or care about me the way they should have, let alone eachother. But I stayed her friend. She wasn’t my best friend, but I had a connection with her that I decided to keep and cherish it even after splitting up.

I was in love with my best friend who I couldn’t find it in myself to be with because I felt like I didn’t deserve her… it felt wrong being with someone as much as I loved her… because I still felt ashamed of myself for everything that was and wasn’t even my fault, and she was purity to me… she was my first kiss and I felt beyond sad after my first kiss… and I still don’t know why… I only accepted the love I thought I deserved. Most of my relationships with women and even Sean, is that they weren’t in love with me, emotionally available to a certain point, but never fully… and that’s what I thought I deserved. I’ve been imitating (in some aspects) the relationship that my parents had.

I’m no longer in love with her, but I’ll always love her for who she is. I think my inner child absolutely loves personalities like hers, and that’s what I’m now attracted to in women. Particular women, not all… but every once in a while I see whatever that is, and my inner child gets so happy and excited and adores whatever that is in the women I now date.. and for the first time, I got a glimpse of acceptance that even though something doesn’t belong to me, for a time, I can experience this kind of love and happiness with someone that can love me back and feel what I’m feeling back… for a time…

And now that I realized this, I’m having a hard time not crying about it

I want to be emotionally available fully to someone, and I want that back in return… and I want my inner child to get excited over said person. I’m my own rescuer, and I’ve been making connections with little me in many ways, and I’m still learning to be the parent and the child to myself… I’m just so grateful that The Universe hasn’t given up on me, and sends me little gifts to receive for a time that is borrowed…

[chyquando]

Bri

I met another person. She is definitely a friend to me, she’s been teaching me a lot about myself because she knows so much about herself. 

I thought I knew a lot about myself, but I still feel like I barely scratched the surface. My relationship with you is innocent, but you’ll have to forgive my body for craving you. It’s just following suit, and doesn't know better yet. I’m trying to pace myself this time around, and it helps to know you are too. The distance is a gentle blanket that helps and I think it’s working to our advantage as opposed to otherwise.

Although, I know as this relationship can surely grow, there will be a point of teetering because of the distance. I just want to learn balance before that point comes creeping on me unawares. I don’t want to neglect this, because I’ve done that in the past and idk why I’ve clammed up before. It sort of hit my significant others like a freight train coming to a screeching halt, and I never knew how to explain that about myself. 

I still care about the person, and I try to reassure, but it hasn’t often worked previously with those people, except for my ex husband. But he was emotionally unavailable too so it was actually what he preferred. 

I don’t know if I would consider myself emotionally unavailable. I do know I have a lot of big feelings and emotions, but I’ve gone so long the majority of my 20’s suppressing a lot of it.

Suppressing is something I’m good at because I’ve done it the majority of my childhood. And it was easy to do for religion and God, and it was easy to do for my marriage, until it wasn’t… until I finally broke, because no one was supporting me anymore in that suppression. No one was giving me a reason to suppress anymore… and I couldn’t find it in myself to keep doing it, because I became so depressed BECAUSE of it. I felt unreal, and that was why I felt like I wasn’t even a person, I felt like I didn’t really exist. I felt like a mannequin.

What changed is someone made me remember what it was like to feel deeply. Then suddenly I could move limbs and I could barely stand because I forgot what it was like to use those muscles.

This gem of a person, she has been learning about herself and shares it with me, and she pulls out the pieces of me I still hide from people, the big feelings, she asks, and when I tell her, and I cower thinking it’s too much, or weird because no one could ever stand to embrace them, it makes me feel like I can’t even stand to embrace them… I just know they’re there… but she… she smiles and reassured me that it wasn’t weird, and she wanted to hold me… she reciprocated, because she understands what it’s like to have big feelings too.

It makes me want to cry, happy and sad tears. Sad for living this long in black and white, and happy that someone is teaching me how to feel colors. I don’t think my eyes can adjust yet, but my fingertips can still read the expressions of my heart, and hers.

I still want to remember that this gem does not belong to me, and never will no matter what tricks the world will try to play on me. No matter what tricks my old life of black and white will try to show me, that will never happen, and I will need to always remember this… I want to appreciate her so much while she chooses to be in the same spaces with me.

It’s beautiful how you can find the same space as someone, yet be miles upon miles upon miles apart. 

She is teaching me how to be my own source of hope and happiness, so that I can comfortably share it with someone who understands. How to communicate my needs. For now, she is teaching me. And I will appreciate whatever she is willing to give me. I will receive her.

[chyquando]

Living In Braille

You would think if I experienced enough rejection and loss and loneliness I would finally give up. You would think that it would become cake to take over and over again. You would think it would get easier and I’d become better and better and stronger and stronger over time.

To tell you the truth, I find myself breaking and breaking over and over to the point where I can’t tell if it’s actually worse or exactly like the first time… you ever smell so many different perfumes they all begin to smell the same?

I find myself grieving more things at once. I find that after a departure of another soul from my life, in the moment of separation I feel absolutely nothing in the face of it… my emotions are a delayed response until I am alone staring at a ceiling in a safe space. In the quiet. My parents used to send me to my room when my emotions got the best of me because they didn’t want to hear it, and told me to go take a nap or something… and I think that’s why I process them like this.

I now find myself grieving every single relationship I ever had… wondering why I never gave up hope before? Why haven’t I let this go yet? Why can’t I let go and embrace being alone? Why can’t I finally refuse any and all relationships ahead because I already know how they end? Why am I still waiting for someone to make my world 10000 times better, when I am the only one I will ever have? 

Everyone’s a liar, even me. I lie to myself and tell myself someone is out there waiting for me like I am waiting for them. I am not like everybody else who can experience happiness like it lives within them, where mine is like trying to grasp it out of the wind. It’s like chasing a written note down the sidewalk, through the traffic, and you think you can see the writing, but you can never get close enough to grab it as it keeps leading you somewhere else. 

I thought I picked it up so many times, but it was just an old fast food wrapper someone didn’t find worth the effort to place it where it belongs, in the trash. But I treated it like the golden ticket that someone specifically wanted me to find… but unlike them… it turns out that I am blind.

I speak in a different language and have to feel in order to read and rely on those who can see to tell me when I’ve made it. And none of them ever have the heart to tell me the truth. I used to think everyone was blind like me and just lying about it being so easy to manage in life. But in fact, that’s probably the only truth I’ve been told, is that not everyone is blind like me.

How do I break it to my inner child that the one person she imagined marrying and loving for the rest of her life is not real? How do I tell her that I’m the only one she’s ever going to have? Won’t she be disappointed… how do I hold her when she’s crying because of all the wrappers she’s going to find none of them are meant to be kept? How do I break it to her that nothing in this life belongs to her? But it belongs to something else, and she and I? We belong to each other, and how am I supposed to break that to her when she was promised the whole world, she was promised belonging and connection, and I am it?

I’m sorry that world is full of darkness and chaos and bitter cold, sadness… I’m sorry that’s what you’re going to have to know to find me… I’m sorry you’re going to have to experience the hard truth that no one wanted you, but I do. I want you, and I love you.

Let me be the one to step up and love you and treat you the way you should have been treated. Let me break it to you, all the hard things, but in the gentlest and honest loving way that I can… let me hold you when you’re crying and tell you everything is going to end up okay if it’s just you and me in the end anyway. 

You’re not too much darling… you’re full of all that is good and green and beautiful and benevolent in this world and I get the privilege to Hold you when you cry. I get to be brave and love you when you’re lonely. Me, the not so soft, but surely trying parent. 

I’m trying not to be the reflection of our parents, and I’m sorry that I have been for years. But I’m trying to be a reflection of you so you can have a friend to talk to on your level, a friend to relate to, a friend to love, someone like you who sees the world the same way you do. I want to see it, even though I am blind… so we can imagine it together instead… show me your world, and let me live in it with you… and I’ll keep you safe, and love you and watch you grow… and lift you up when you are low, hold you close… because kid, you’re all that I have.

[chyquando]

Epiphany

Could it be my tendency to take on fault and blame myself after rejection (instead of separating myself from the equation because it’s not because of me), that triggers my cptsd flashback feelings of wanting to die and pain and humiliation and loneliness and abandonment not belonging etc, wanting to escape the shame and pain (urges to kill myself)?

Because I was told what happened to me made me disgusting and I needed to repent because I did something wrong, when what happened to me I didn’t know what was even going on….

Feeling abandoned and rejected in that moment by my parent and blamed by my parent when I needed rescuing, I felt excluded and alone separated from my family in that moment?

[chyquando]

4 Days After Rejection

3/3/2022

I don’t understand what is happening to me… on this 4th day, I was having severe suicidal thoughts that I couldn’t escape from no matter what I was doing or trying to preoccupy myself with. It was a Tuesday.

Sunday however, I was begging Christ to take me…. It was so hard, but I was told not yet…

Tuesday. I sent a friend a few silly things because I haven’t been feeling too well and I tend to get sort of weird and spicy when I’m like this, and I didn’t get any responses, and I instantly felt like I was being annoying, and that set me off again on wanting to just kill myself.

My brain finally decided how I would do it this day, and I honestly don’t want to end my life, but these urges get so strong when I’m feeling very sensitive I just want to escape myself, not just my feelings and discomfort, but my whole life realizing I don’t belong to anyone or anywhere, without anyone ever going to truly understand me or want to be around me, realizing I’m truly a single cell in a giant vast world of “could have been’s” and empty promises with no true grip of honesty, I will always attach and then rip apart from the things and people I love… and the things I love… nothing is ever going to be mine, and I’m never going to belong.

And I realized all that time thinking the universe was giving me things, and I felt like it was going to disappear because it wasn’t mine? I was absolutely right… nothing belongs to me any gift I am given… but what does belong to me is this life, this pain, this depression, these urges and thoughts that stick around like a cancer wanting to consume me. I was led astray… I was built for being alone all along. This is my purpose… I don’t want to be led astray again… but every once in a while I am given hope, and then it’s ripped away again. How many tears can I really handle before I finally obliterate?

And then she texted me she missed me…

And then all my pain and all my burden and urges quieted down…. And I don’t trust it…. But I want to… and it’s dangling in front of me taunting me and I want to grab it…. And she holds the fishing line…. And I am falling for the bait…. Because the agony is dulled… and this scares me so much… I don’t even belong to myself.

she wants to be here for me, and she wants me back…. And I’m so unwell. And I can’t talk to you, because what if I told you all this and you left again? It’s not your fault darling, that I am this way, that I feel these things and have these urges…

I just want you to know it’s not your fault that I’m crazy for you…

It’s not your fault .

[chyquando]

Day After Rejection

Feb 26, 2022

My day started out positive today. But when I’m alone and it’s quiet and it’s just me taking care of me, it’s hard.

It’s hard feeling like I have nothing tethering me to this world… like at all. I can’t think of a single thing other than “how would the people that love you feel?” I never felt like I belonged here, and I’ve been seeking belonging for a long time. Once my brain began processing real suicidal thoughts that began to change into premeditated ideas to choose from, I came to know Christ at 21 years old. That was the thing tethering me to this place. I didn’t belong in the church, but I belonged to Christ. I finally belonged to someone.

And I’ve gone wondering off and figuring out who I am. And the church helped me to realize things about myself, things finally make sense now. Remembering my trauma, Sean playing a big role in revealing that trauma when I tried to ignore it… being with him sort of in a way really illuminated that part of me that was so damaged and I tried to ignore it for so long… also realizing that choosing not to be with women or that me being with any and all women was bad for me, was a false belief.

And now that I’m reaching my 30’s I’ve been able to actually process my childhood. And it took leaving Sean and the church to better myself and figure even more parts of myself out.

And then I met Audrey, and it illuminated more parts of me that needed healing and growth.

And now that we’re done, here am I.

No one ever saved me except for Christ… and I miss Him so much…. He was real to me. And I don’t get to hear his voice or see Him… I just want to go to Him… Nothing matters me to anymore… I just want to go to Him…. Not church, not anybody else… just Him…

It’s so hard feeling like I can’t relate to anybody dude…

And I think I fucked up because I realized people with cptsd either never end up with someone, or constantly seek out someone to “save them” in a relationship, and that’s why it never works out… I wonder if my “saving” is “belonging.”

There are moments I feel like I belong to myself. Like when I’m working or working out. Like I can take care of myself in those moments… but there are valleys that I’m trying to find the strength to carry through… and I don’t always know if I have it.

Feb 27, 2022

The day before rejection I realized that I had a sudden fear she was going to break up with me, and a part of me felt the urgent need to break up with her so I wouldn't have to feel rejection so badly, so that it would hurt less. I realized I had this issue way back in my first real relationship with another woman, I was 16. She and I had our first real big argument, and she was mad at me because I wouldn’t fight back with her, and she told me it bothered her and talking to me was like talking to a wall… and I tried breaking up with her the next day… but she stopped me…. And we stayed together for a short amount of time after that… and then she broke up with me about a month or two after that.

i realized the day before my rejection that I have a fear of being abandoned. And wanted to abandon her before she could abandon me. But chose not to, and give her the benefit of the doubt.

i realized the commonality between every relationship has been the fact that I’ve received reassurance that the person liked me and therefore proceeded to latch onto them and then maintain a relationship with them and sacrifice myself at whatever cost.

but with Audrey, I was fighting the urge to sacrifice my own things, but it was still happening slowly. She liked the person she didn’t really know, she liked the initial idea of me. I was trying to fight the urge being self aware of my downfall to not be an idea, but be myself. I tried being myself and that’s when she started letting me go.

i realized I rely on reassurance that the person likes me. reassurance means everything to me and I had no idea of this until now in my life. It strings back to my childhood, of course, never being accepted or good enough for being myself. why can’t I just really like someone and go for them and decide what I don’t like in someone and leave them? why am I subject to this blindspot? How do I fight this blind spot?

[chyquando]

Fuck CPTSD

had I known I’d be forever alone from the beginning I would have never gotten out of bed for this fucking bullshit of a life, and I had to go and become a hopeless romantic only to kill that side of me for years… ONLY TO FINALLY UNDERSTAND MYSELF… and then for it to be brought back out because the ”universe” decided to fight me on my decision to be alone with a giant “hey! Don’t lose hope! You can still land a forever partner!” So I shoot my shot and meet someone only to be reminded that IT’S STILL NEVER GOING TO WORK OUT! but don’t lose hope! For what!?!?! FOR WHAT DO I NEED HOPE FOR UNIVERSE???? To be let down times a million!? to reeeeeally experience suffering. I thought joining a religion and choosing not to be with women anymore was the answer, but now I’m understand that choosing not to be with ANYONE is the answer NOT BECAUSE OF RELIGION… but because OF ME?! Because of ME! what the fuck!! So no matter what I do anyway I’m STILL DOOMED no matter what I choose, so WHY TRY?! Why the fuck should I try.

you wanna know what’s also fucked up. I’ve been having suicidal intrusive thoughts about how I can most easily kill myself. And once I decided on a gun, the thought comes to mind, “what about all the people that love you?” So my second thought came, “well when I’m dead what’s it going to matter to me? I’m never gonna know what that feels like anyway.” To my

surprise later that night as I dreamt, I dreamt someone I loved shot themselves, and the agony and tears and screaming loss was so real my body didn’t even wake me from it like it usually does, and NOW I GUESS I KNOW WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE! So great, now I don’t want to shoot my self. what the fuck do you want from me universe! give me an answer

[chyquando]

What Am I (Revised Version)

She’s pulling me from the inside out. My organs on display. She’s unraveling the fabric of my being. I can finally breathe after an existence of suffocation. At first gasp, I swallowed her in and she gave me a soul.

You called me, “Mine.” Interlocked and I won’t let go until she speaks the words. I am remade by her. Engraved by her finger tips, traced by her soft sweet lips laced with her words of grace, indulged by her hungry eyes, dissected by her intellectual mind, entranced by her contagious laugh, every layer she carefully grafts. Designed by desire, I am her empire, our breaths are now shared and I am not alive without. Her body, mind, and soul is electric wired throughout me. I’m a puppet about your strings, Dr. Frankenstein.

“Beware; for I am fearless, and therefore powerful.” No other path for me compares. The opinion of others I lack in empathy, unable to care. Your heart is my compass I dare to follow. Together we create a castle beautiful and bountiful. If you want me take all of me. If you toss me by the sea of my imperfections you will wonder what you’re missing from the storm of my thieving heart. You’ll have to set me on fire to take back what’s left from the ashes. I beg you’ll be careful.

Don’t leave me painful. What am I, Doctor? Teach me how to love thee. Show me how to live and breathe with thee. “I ought to be thy Adam, but I am rather the fallen angel.”

[chyquando]

What Am I

She’s pulling me from the inside out. I’m exposed beyond skin deep. My organs on display. She’s unraveling the fabric of my soul like I can finally breathe after years of suffocation. At first gasp I swallowed her in and now she’s mine.

We’re interlocked and I don’t think I can ever let go until she says the words. I feel made by her. Enslaved by her gentle touch, hungry eyes, her contagious laugh, intellectual mind, words of wisdom, lips drip with honey, creamy skin, our breaths are now shared and I’m not alive without them. Her body, mind, and soul is electric running through me. I’m a puppet on your strings, Dr. Frankenstein.

There’s no going back, for me. If you want me take all of me. If you toss me by my imperfections, I may haunt you for the rest of your days, and you will wonder what you’re missing from my thieving heart. You’ll have to set me on fire to take back what’s left from the ashes. “Beware; for I am fearless, and therefore powerful.”

Don’t leave me, teach me, Doctor. Teach me how to love you. Teach me how to live and breathe with you. “I ought to be thy Adam, but I am rather the fallen angel.”

[chyquando]

Moth To A Flame

I feel like I should document how I’ve been feeling dealing with divorce thus far. I honestly thought I would be feeling sad and depressed over the fact that I miss my husband… but I honestly don’t feel that. There’s nothing there. I wonder what happened, if the feeling was ever there?

I do have this fear that my body can’t handle it so it shut that side of me down… and I probably won’t feel anything until I’m actually gone, moved out, house sold, on my own and independent. I’m afraid it might hit me like a ton of bricks, but also, I am unafraid because he has shown me some unattractive colors by the way he has been treating me and dealing with our situation.

It’s a big contrast to my feelings for another person that has suddenly come into my life recently since the divorce began… I have this sad feeling about myself that I have a tendency to jump into my emotions which often get attached to people… and once they detach from one person, they jump to another…. And this has concerned me because this new person that I feel attached to, it’s almost like I’m slipping and not even catching myself when I fall. And I keep falling with nothing to hold onto except for my own self-awareness.

I’m trying to slow things down and just take it easy, but when I do, I get so worked up and detach, and then as soon as she does something so thoughtful or cute I reattach so easily. I’m trying not to rush and not take things so seriously given my current situation as it is. I’m not the most appealing choice given my circumstances at the moment, and yet, I am finding that I am very appealing as a person.

I went to a birthday party for my friend last Saturday, and she was there. She hung by my side the whole time, and we keep having these strange coincidences that connect us together. Emotionally or mentally. Personality wise. I could feel myself being seen and searched by the eyes of others, and I ate that up, but hers is what I was drawn to.

When I first sat next to her at our initial get together with friends before this party, I didn’t know her, but I wanted to. It was a small inkling to reach out and make friends. She shared her drink with me, because she couldn’t drink all of it. The next time we hung out was a movie day with her friends, she sat next to me and shared her popcorn with me. I was honestly very self involved quite a bit I forgot a lot of social skills because I haven’t hung out with anybody in 3 years like this other than my husband. They walked me to my truck, and as they walked away to go home, I saw her skip away excitedly after hugging me and saying bye. This moment made me question things a little.

I decided to text her later on to thank her for sharing her drink and popcorn with me. And then she immediately invited me to hang out the following Saturday that week. And I said sure! I got no plans.

She asked me if I wanted to hang with her and her friend group, or just her, and I told her I don’t mind either way, I’d be happy to get to know her better. So she and I have been texting ever since as she’s been very curious to know me and every little aspect about me.

I also wanted to know about her in return, and we both explain very detailed so our texts got longer and more exciting and I find myself texting her until midnight almost every night. I honestly felt myself instantly attach as soon as I opened up and was vulnerable with her, and she made me feel safe being able to do that. But she also shared with me the fact that she actually understands me, because she’s been through a lot of the same things that I have been through, and I’ve never met anyone who has been through what I have been through, and gets me so well.

She even reassured me what she’s doing without me even asking, like if she’s going to be away, and a time frame when she’ll get back to me, which I thought was interesting because she doesn’t have to, but it made my heart skip beats how thoughtful and sweet and tender and careful she has been with me while being vulnerable.

Then I suddenly realized the previous person that I was attached to (not my husband) that wasn’t good for me, a bit toxic in some aspects actually, suddenly my attachment was gone, because I realized I can actually be with someone better. Someone who genuinely cares about me. This toxic person was just using me for her own selfish reasons. And maybe a part of me liked her using me because I fed off of that too, because I wasn’t getting those feelings in my marriage for so long, I was starving for sexual desire and self love. And so maybe I used her too… as I have been reluctant to admit. Knowing nothing serious would ever come of us, even though deep down I was sort of wishing it would. I was just choosing not to see that truth for a while.

I honestly don’t know how to feel about this. This sort of scares me that I am like this. I’ve been wanting to write about it to bring it up to my therapist.

Also, another new discovery I made is I share a lot of the symptoms/ characteristics spot on with what’s called “Quiet BPD.” Or Discouraged Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s difficult to diagnose because the person invalidates their own feelings or experiences in order to cope with shit in life. They mask extremely well. They take on a lot of guilt and fault when it is not their own. They experience high and low extreme emotions triggered by feelings/interpretations of abandonment and rejection.

But this would be very difficult to diagnose with me because my childhood was traumatic in multiple ways.

But I wanted to write about this girl. She and I both share different mental illnesses, but she has experienced very similar things to me in life. Maybe not the traumatic childhood, but other traumas experienced. I’ve never had someone see me and want to know me deeply like she does. This is what is so unique about her that I don’t want to lose her. And she shared some deeply personal things with me so much that I want to protect her and I don’t want to her hurt. I want to be very careful with her heart. So I cut ties with the toxic person, and it was almost easy.

This girl and I are not together, but I think we went on a date for the first time Sunday, and I can tell she is very shy around me. She’s uncomfortable with her own awkwardness. And honestly, I dig it. The only difference between she and I, is that I am comfortable with my quirky awkwardness, so much that I don’t mind embarrassing myself. I just have a super hard time being vulnerable and trying not to feel rejected afterwards or invalidated. I’m very sensitive to that. She has a super hard time with embarrassment, which a big part of it comes from her mental illness because in the moment she is not aware, but she becomes aware after the fact, or when people start to look at her with judgment thinking she’s crazy. And she gets super triggered when that happens and she gets sad.

And I’m trying to be super mindful of how I am around her. I need to be non judgmental, non invalidating, Im actually quite gullible which makes it difficult lol because I tend to go in believing and then my body tells me somethings off, and then I’m not sure what to do after the fact. I just invalidate myself a lot. But she likes to ask my thoughts on subjects I believe to gauge her own sanity about her passions. And I think it’s cute, but it’s also hard for me because I don’t want her to feel sad, but I want to be honest with my own interpretation, and I need to be careful with how I word it.

I honestly really like her… and I tried testing this theory by asking my own body on the drive home after our date. I asked myself because I don’t want to lead her on, and develop feelings solely because she likes me… I asked myself, “do I like her?” To see how my body would feel. It wasn’t overly anxious at all. I did feel a little excited each time I asked myself, and I honestly believe that was actually me feeling this way.

I’m told that if I would’ve asked myself that question and my body reacted in a closed, shrinking, icky way of feeling, then that would mean I didn’t like her, and those weren’t my feelings I was taking on, but her feelings probably.

But no, I actually do like her, and I do find chemistry between us. Some sexual inklings are there when I intentionally soften my hug towards her. I’m just trying to take things slow, incase we do end up doing anything. I still want us to remain friendly if I mess something up or she realizes she’s actually not that into me.

[chyquando]

A little more lean than last time ❤️ These remind me to keep my head down and keep doing the work. I only allow myself to look at my own progress. I no longer try to compare myself to anyone else, because every body is a beautiful body, and they all look different and unique, and should be appreciated

my body has been taking care of me my whole life, and I believe how I treat my body reflects in how I feel Emotionally and mentally. It’s a two way street, so taking care of it has helped me find self love and gratitude for it. this has also allowed me to be a better listener to my body, not just with fuel/food, but listening to it when it comes to other people’s energies. It’s been a fascinating experience getting to know my self.

[chyquando]

Emotional Pain Tolerance

Being ignored causes the same chemical reaction in the brain as being physically hit.

I’ve come to find that I have the emotional pain tolerance of a semi-truck accident. And it makes sense… because the past relationships I’ve been in were with toxic people… and that sort of attracted my subconscious because they cause either really high and low emotional chemicals which my subconscious is used to. And to me, that feels normal… and a normal relationship with a healthy person would feel boring or uncomfortable because I’m not used to it…

My ex husband has been the closest thing to a normal relationship I feel… although my inner self has felt ignored by him in the past for some time.. and with him being unable or unwanting to really express emotional love in great amounts, I often got the really low spectrum from him…never high. Although, I stayed and allowed myself to stay because it was something I was used to in my childhood, feeling ignored and left out. Somewhere in the back of my head said, “this is how it’s supposed to feel when you’re married.” My parents didn’t show love ever to each-other. I’m fact they’re fought a lot, and did things separately. And I tried accepting it and self sacrificing my own needs for several years in my own marriage. This made me extremely sad over time.

And my emotional pain tolerance finally reached its limit when someone came around that I have history with, and decided to try and shake things up. My emotions went high with this person very rapidly, and I immediately cut them off for a time, and once they were gone… it made me questions everything I’ve ever done. I also have this inner self that advocates justice, and when I’m dishonest, it causes turmoil in my head and my inner monologue gets really hard on me and I end up being angry… but anger also comes from a place that knows I deserve better.

I have a bit of a tendency to people please, also due to childhood.. and I realized most of my decisions that I’ve made were for other people or other ideas that did not really resonate with who I truly am.. because I’ve been ignoring myself the majority of my life.

Choosing this divorce really sits right with me. It feels right, and the universe has been slowly giving me answers as I’ve been getting close to becoming who I truly am, and consciously trying to better myself. While my husband is struggling and claiming this is the hardest thing he’s ever had to go through, a part of me does not believe him, because he has expressed to me his entire life… and he’s been through worse shit than this… I know I have too, which is why this has been a lot easier for me than him.. and It’s been easy detaching my feelings from him, since the spike… and since realizing the way he communicates love is not easily received by me anymore… because of the lack of attention I’ve had, and the low end of emotional spectrum makes it easier to detach as well… there is little to no sexual attraction here either, so letting go has been quite easy at the moment.

I will admit, if I did have a strong sexual attraction to him, it would be a lot harder. The person that spiked my emotions and then up and left and has a habit of coming into my life to wreak havoc and suddenly leaving once I’m entangled with her in my feelings, is not good for me.

I used to think back then she was, because I’ve had worse experience with people, she wasn’t as bad, but not anymore. I see now that my emotions have been up and down with her, and from feeling so low for a few years I see that she is not meant for me. I no longer enjoy being whip lashed emotionally, which is one good thing that has come from my marriage with my ex husband. I do have a strong sexual attraction to her though, so it has been harder to let go of her.. but I’m starting to be patient with myself and let myself let her go slowly by standing by my true self and what is best for me.

I have also noticed that feeling like I fit in with someone’s else’s family is a huge reason why I end up solidifying a relationship with someone, because I never felt accepted or like I belonged in my own family growing up. It’s also uncomfortable at first, and I’m often in disbelief that people like me at first in their family, but over time it’s something I end up really appreciating and hanging onto. Although I don’t go hang out and talk with their family members a whole lot, it still means a lot to me that someone accepts me in as their own child… it honestly matters to me what the persons parents or parental influences think of me for some reason. It’s endearing and uncomfortable at the same time.

Some thoughts I felt like recording.

I think many good things have come from this marriage… especially the start of my self healing journey, and realizing I truly cannot sexually desire another man to the fullest… and why it bothers my soul so much. And it’s not my fault.

[chyquando]

Recording my progress from the gym on a personal platform for myself. Too shy to do it on more popular social media. The gym has given me shoulders to bare the pains of my childhood and my day to day life dealing with depression and cptsd. This is me healing and choosing me.

[chyquando]

Cool Girl

By Dodie

I am utterly tired…. I am so tired… I am so mad at myself for feeling happy with someone who is not my husband… I am so mad at myself for not giving myself enough time to figure myself out… I am so mad at myself for burying myself so far down I don’t even know what romance is anymore… I am so mad at myself for being ashamed of myself… I am so mad at myself for screwing up and self sabotaging all my relationships… I feel like this marriage is ending and it’s all my fault, it’s my fault for even starting it, and I am so mad at myself for always taking the fault and the blame for everything because that’s how I cope with my life is hating myself… I’ve done it forever. And it feels comfortable to me to do that it feels like the right answer. Like it’s the only way I can make anything make sense. Because I love people too much.

I hate that I am this way…. I don’t want to eat anymore. I don’t want to be alive. I want to hurt myself to the point where I remember it forever I want it to hurt I want that physical pain I need it I need it to ground me and remind me that I’m not a shell of a human being…. That I’m even real… I need the pain to keep going because I want to die…. the pain saves me from killing my self…. I need an answer for all my behaviors that don’t make sense and for all my faults I need an answer and I need the pain because there is no other way to punish myself… I feel the need to punish myself.

I feel undeserving of everything nice that’s ever happened to me… and I keep having these nice things happen to me in life and it scares me because I know it’s not supposed to be there…. And it can go away it can all go away at any moment… and I deserve absolutely none of it… and I’m just waiting for it all to fall apart…

And no one will ever see or understand this part of me… not even myself it feels like… and I am utterly alone. And if this marriage fails a part of me wants to be alone forever because I feel like I deserve it. The best version of me is going to be alone.