cigarettethoughts

[cigarettethoughts]

I miss the times when I was able to manage

The times when I was busy, tired, but full of rage --

Of my to-do-lists, plans, just continuously bursting out ideas and endless dreams and possibilities.

I miss the times when I felt alive, of purpose, and the times that I felt of value and gave value to things.

I miss how things were and how I was.

I miss me.

How long has it been since I felt like I was myself?

I barely remember how I was, but I am certain that I was not full of hatred or anger, but full of love and acceptance --

To things and situations, and to people and even their mistakes.

I wish I can bring it back

For I am tired and sad

And have lost the meaning of life --

To feel so much hate

and to be blind of all the beautiful things

That I used to see in every thing and every person.

I miss everything.

[cigarettethoughts]

What happens if I die

[cigarettethoughts]

I love you so much it hurts

[cigarettethoughts]

I just wish I’ll someday be enough for my own self.

Someday, I’ll put myself always first.

Someday, I’ll love myself enough to never settle or tolerate anything less that I deserve.

Don’t I deserve to be someone’s first and only choice?

Will someone actually love me in that way? To see me as someone who they’ll marry or someone’s only?

Or will it just be me? Loving myself? Taking care of myself? Giving all to myself? I can’t even give my all to myself.

Am I not that worth it? Am I really not enough?

I just really wish I’ll someday be enough for my own self.

[cigarettethoughts]

And again... I’m not sure what I’m doing.

I don’t know why I’m here --- knowing I’m literally just here because you’re not with her. I don’t know, am I convenient? A fill-in for a while? A safe bet? Someone you won’t be intimidated of? I really don’t know. I just know I’m not somebody’s first choice ---- again. I’m just --- someone’s awhile, because they’re not with their first choice. I guess a fill in? A substitute. I went with it tho. I let it all happen. It’s my choice that I’m still here. I really don’t know what for...

I don’t know to who I’ll ever be enough too.

I just wanted sex. I didn’t want any attachment, yet people keep looking for it from me... I didn’t want to, but...

Why do I keep letting people do this to me while they know they prefer someone else... What about me...?

[cigarettethoughts]

Fuck.

I don’t know what I’ve been doing. I don’t know what’s happening.

I’ve gotten dumb. Could it be because I’ve become so detached with my feelings that I’m finally able to do these things? I don’t even think before I do or say something.

I’m sorry for everything. I am no victim anymore. I really am the one hurting people now...  Maybe I do deserve to be alone. Maybe I’m really better off alone.

If there’s such a thing as Midas touch, I would be the opposite.

I’m so sorry. They all deserve better...

[cigarettethoughts]

Sometimes you just kinda drift away from the things that have been keeping you afloat, keeping you from seeing the things from the outside perspective, or from keeping you getting lost again.

You start to feel inadequate, and start to lose the meaning of why we have to do the things we do... the point of all these...

I don’t know.

[cigarettethoughts]

:(

[cigarettethoughts]

I feel empty

[cigarettethoughts]

Been feeling like I'm on the verge of breaking down anytime... I miss being blissfully happy and carefree :(

[cigarettethoughts]

Wanna talk with you about so many things that's been creeping inside my head, my deepest thoughts, worries, and all of my insecurities --- but I’m scared. I’m scared you’ll find it too dramatic, a waste of time, or you just simply don’t roll that way. ???? :(

[cigarettethoughts]

Wag mo naman akong awayin habang nagthethesis o kumakain ako :(

[cigarettethoughts]

I hate shallow talks with you that feel so forced. Let me know you deeper. Your thoughts that you think people will judge you for it, the things you never really talk about with anyone else. TRUST ME AND TELL ME ALL OF IT. Can we just stop holding ourselves back and let our spirits be bare as we are on bed.

[cigarettethoughts]

I miss the vibrancy that I once had. My hyperactive self that kinda makes me cringe rn is probably one of the best phases I had when i never really cared much about what other people thought about me.

[cigarettethoughts]

Let em poke let em talk. We'll just continue the walk. Ain't gonna stop till I drop. We might fall but Imma always gon get up.

[cigarettethoughts]

Wine and whine kinda night.

[cigarettethoughts]

There are so many things I want in life. One of the most important of em all is to never lose hope and the spirit in chasing them.