cindssss - Tumblr blog

[cindssss]

Cindy, you have to know. God sent you the challenge with Leo for a reason.

The mistake you made when you try to get back with him, if you do it again, you are a fucking idiot.

你愛呢個人，你想得到佢，但你又要懶清高唔想用計。

結果你只會永遠失去佢。That’s what happened with Leo.

佢係咁推開你，你係咁想證明自己愛佢，冇用嫁.

你又想用個招，去佢屋企門口等佢.

[cindssss]

Third time in one year.

I’ve done something many many other people had done and they got away with it.

Just me left here, by myself, being tortured day and night.

死了才什麼也沒有.

我早已失去所有. 生死對我又有何分別.

[cindssss]

Illusion

Am I really this illusional?

I dont know man. 

Even someone who knows NOTHING can sense there’s something wrong. 

Going haircut in MK while you LIVE in HKI and WORK in HKI?! 

And put it like, oh i just walk by and find you for breakfast. lunch. i didnt mean it. 

Girl please. 

Or really that’s his new way of coping with love?

And his new attitude.  It is really annoying. 

If so i’ll have to agree with Andrea.  That’s really kinda disgusting. 

Like ew. dude. Go for the body man.  

Deal with you commitment issue. 

It’s my fault I know.  But it wasn’t my job to pick you up. 

I picked myself you. Not like super successful. But still. 

[cindssss]

在其他地方寫的都不算什麼

在Tumblr寫的才是最最最真實的你。

我覺得我要學識zen.

我覺得其實好多野我都學會唔fucking care了.

佢同佢個ex食飯？是撚旦啦. 係，我係嬲，嬲乜姐.

以我認識嘅佢，如果係有路，佢首先唔會post

第二，以我認識嘅個條八婆，唔會post.

係我覺得生理上好噁心姐.

我唔會噁心佢同呢個人一齊，而因為佢背叛過佢

而係因為佢竟然去同番呢條綠茶一齊，我覺得好核突。

「一生戀愛的婷婷」

Seriously.

有冇人可以比個嘔吐袋我。

Seriously.

Don’t try to be friend with me.

I don’t want to be on the same league with that person.

[cindssss]

反正都講開 也不差在說開吧

我聽得明中文呀. 你唔中意人迫你，你想做嘅野你會自動做，比人迫反而唔會做. 你決定左嘅唔會變. 個種對你冇左感覺就係冇感覺，唔想繼續就係唔想繼續，係想離婚就係想離婚，覺得你唔適合唔夠好就係咁覺得，無論之前做過乜開心過乜，唔想就係唔想. 亦都唔想解釋咁多. 好想盡快放出身上嘅負擔罪惡感重新出發. 新歡又好單身又好. 因為「我」就係你依家一切問題嘅根源. 冇左我所有事都會好起來.

我真係好明白，因為一年前我正正經歷過一模一樣. 無論大佬點求點放下身段對我有幾大恩大德，我都只係覺得煩. 講咩舊時，攞咩以前嘅情深義重黎叫我懷念. 我唔記得哂嫁啦. 過左去嫁啦. 唔好指意用威脅個招，死得仲快. 反正未搵到下一個，或者未確認到下一個，咪得閒應下你講下野囉.

我比你經歷過個過程快左一年. 我好清楚接下來嘅發展.

因為一直以來只係見到陽光有愛包容嘅你。我忘記左個個黑暗涼薄嘅你嘅存在. 我疏忽左.

大家都係自私而又唔願意承認嘅人. 其實自私嘅人好明白自私嘅人點諗. 好明白點樣想將事情簡單化用「唔愛」「分手」等等嘅快速詞語希望件事盡快完結. 將生活上所有唔如意都歸落去一個人身上，不斷單向地回想以前相處上嘅各種問題各種不如意去說服自己依家「絕情離開」係有幾正確. 個次我發脾氣有幾克你憎，個次我放件衫係你張床唔拎去洗有幾討厭. 好多好多只剩下缺點. 你覺得擺脫到我就可以重獲新生. 你知道點解我個時突然抑鬱得咁嚴重. 點解咁突然又想死又想撞車嗌生嗌死嗎. 我當時其實冇同你講真話. 唔係因為媽媽，唔係因為你，唔係因為佢. 而因為過左一段時間我發現我將自己所有嘅不幸歸因至一個人一件事身上，因為自己嘅自私懶惰而將別人推落深淵。我接受唔到自己嘅醜陋，我接受唔到自己嘅自私，我接受唔到口口聲聲自己係一個好人但原來我係一個涼薄逃避責任逃避現實冇良心嘅人. 我承受唔到呢種壓力呢種不堪. 我成個世界嘅價值觀崩潰左. 我唔敢同你講，我唔敢同任何人講. 我想比人知我係一個咁嘅人. 我好自卑但我唔想人知我自卑. 我想收埋自己. 我承受唔到認知自己問題後嘅重量. 我嘅問題係我自己.

我收到好多嘅advice都係同我講，同佢斷絕聯絡啦。只要你做到比佢更絕情先再有可能講其他. 但當我能夠做到比你更絕情嘅時候，我都應該已經唔愛你. 我唔知你點認為，但簡單地愛人要鬥智鬥力講陰謀做到咁又有何謂呢. 所以我仍然想同你講說話，想你知

而係亦都唔想同你假腥腥咁講 祝你冇我的日子以後安好。因為我想你以後嘅日子，安好與否，都有我. 你對我嘅付出我未有好好珍惜，先不說情感上. 只提我生活上的物品，我的電動牙刷、水牙線、空氣清新機、風筒、卡片包、手袋、背囊、warrant 卡套、車地毯、簽名筆、office的Thor公仔和旋轉木馬音樂盒、床頭貓爪燈、訓教個條粉紅色香腸. 所有野都係你金錢上情感上為我著想.

不過你千祈唔好誤會，我依家咁講，絕對唔係迫緊你. 我係將所有野place on the table make clear my own intention. 唔洗你去估我今日撩你講野咩意思，聽日打電話比你又咩意思. 好明顯係咩意思，假如令你困擾，sorry but not sorry. 我

最後，你會覺得，你上班工作已經夠累. 身邊有朋友陪伴，再找一個戀人嘗試下，得就得唔得就再搵，不是比再找回一個已拒絕的女人更容易嗎？對呀，我都一樣. 再找一個男人，不是比用心用力去挽留一個對你惡言相向的前男友更輕鬆嗎. 但我已經問清楚自己的心，我呢一該想攬住嘅人，係你. 再者，我相信無論你點找，你都找不到一個靚過我的人。因為瘦左落黎早睡早起嘅梁蒨怡真係超級超級靚！

[cindssss]

Sorry I just suddenly think of the way u yelled at me just then.

In what position you are here to shout at me like this?

It’s a break up. I’m not even begging you or anything.

You Diu 9 me and u swear at me.

Excuse me?

你同之前啲人分手嘅時候你有冇咁樣鬧人呀？

你憑乜野咁樣鬧人呀？

我又諗番起當年你溝Phoebe

仲有其實你同fanny開始 由上床 拉扯 到同我開始左之後 再選擇因為不甘寂寞同佢拍拖

其實 全部都係一啲sign

係我咁蠢 先睇唔到

你係一個由頭到尾嘅渣男

係我係你嘅甜言蜜語同最初既承諾之下

誤以為自己同左一個純情男生一齊.

用純情專一男人嘅標準去要求你

咁又的確係幾強人所難.

[cindssss]

We talked more than half hour on phone.

I told him pretty much everything I wanted to say as stated in previous passage.

He was super hostile. He said he wants to block 9 me and Diu me for not understanding for he thinks.

He got very annoyed for the fact that I don’t agree with his break up once and for all.

He still reply my message everyday.

Let me remind you LSY, u are not now trying to find evidence that he still loves you. He doesn’t. It’s fucking clear. Now what you need to do is to win back his love.

Once very successful anchor hour placed is you let him know you have been seeing someone else.

You also told him you are well aware of the things he doesn’t like about you. Got fat, got ugly, ng wake up until late, lazy. No social life.

honestly how hostile he’s towards me is beyond my imagination. Even after two months he’s so scared of me bothering him?

As expected. He did state 我話係就係嫁啦.

I think it’s possible he is seeing new people.

Next step forward- don’t ever ever fucking ever show your 需求感. You find him as a friend. Not to 糾纏.

I think one reason is I did say something he didn’t expect me to say. 佢以為佢估到哂我想講咩. 佢以為我會繼續用愛用道德去勒索佢說服佢同番我一齊. 但我用左個point係我自己都活得好精彩. 我仲中意佢所以呢一刻我會打比佢. 但我目標做咁多野唔會只係為左佢，係為我自己.

佢可能以為我會繼續賣慘. But I didn’t.

So what’s next.

最樂觀嘅情況，係佢主動搵番我. 原因有機會係佢醒覺？哈哈屌講出黎我自己都唔信. 第二係佢feel jealous我有搵第二個. 但佢可能會覺得係我特登講黎嚇佢，佢應該只會信3成. 但至少種左呢樣���係佢個心度.

第二可能嘅情況，係當我再搵佢嘅時候，佢會友善咁覆番我. 咁係佢都慢慢接受番，但又唔好意思講.

第三可能嘅情況，佢唔再覆你. 咁你就知咩事啦. 仲等咩呀，溝仔啦.

我相信會係二嘅情況. 咁就要繼續考你耐性. 講真，你係呢個時候都要諗清楚，你堅持啲乜.

佢咁憎你，佢覺得你係一個so repulsive 嘅人. 

[cindssss]

當你看到一篇長文字，你可能會立刻又感到壓力. 話先放在前頭，我想給你說的話，不是為到挽留，不是為了哀求. 假如一段感情要靠憐憫維繫，那實在不值得. 這不是扮勇敢扮積極搏好感而說出的話，而是這幾天我開始可以靜下來客觀地回想整件事. 這篇是寫給你看，也是寫給自己看的. 當然，戴番頭盔，假如你仍然感到厭惡 或還未準備好 就把這段拋諸腦後.

我想跟你以好朋友的身份說話，因為這也是我們的根.

我看了很多有關感情的文章，一開始我是拼了命想抓緊，拼了命地想復合. 但很多建議都說，你第一件要做的是回想你們關係破裂的基本原因. 而事實上今天的結果只是壓死駱駝的最後一根稻草，是由一根一根的稻草所導致今日的情況. 我估你很早已經和你身邊的朋友表示想離開我，但你不好意思說出來。所以當我問她我還有什麼方法，她都係只是勸我早點放手，順其自然

一段感情如何由大家滿眼都是對方想把自己的命也掏給對方，變成現在的情況，無非也是大家在相處的過程中遇上各種不如意。外貌的改變，吸引力下降，生活習慣的矛盾，情緒上的過分包容和失控，也是在一絲絲的蠶食大家.

我相信決定分手對你來說也不好受. 我很客觀地想，你所說的恐懼，我細想以後其實也估到. 首先你害怕我會情緒綁架.（細想一下，其實這也是我的拿手好戲）. 因為由這段關係的開始我便站在了道德的（較）高地. 因為我的付出較大，當然也因為我的病，我的一切情緒發洩變得理所當然. 你只有承受的份，一方面因為我惡（笑），另一方面因為你也有一種補償心態。你可能一路以來也感到有不妥不樂意的地方，但你也敢怒不敢言，我把認為你這種忍讓的行為說是愛我的表現而樂見其成。

另一個為你帶來困擾的原因是「說分手」令你覺得自己是個不好的人. 當你發現自己對我失去了感覺，你會害怕，你害怕直視自己自私的一面，但也不能否認這樣的確是自己的一部份. 你也會想，這樣是否會實現了那句「你永遠都不會獲得幸福」。但你不想去深究，畢竟生活工作已完經夠累，也沒有餘下力氣去想. 一個人也不錯.

分析人是我的興趣，也是很早以前我會喜歡心理學的原因. 閱讀你 對我來說也是很治癒的一件事.

我在想，你真的不喜歡照顧人. 你可以，但這不是你追求的東西. 你要的是一個救贖. 一個無論如何也相信你的人. 你不要是假腥腥的，為了挽留而裝出來的崇拜. 你表面有絕對的自信，喜歡絕對的控制. 你是一個同時絕對強大又絕對自卑的存在. 但事實上你很想有一個人，無論如何也相信你. 無論如何也偏愛一個如此不堪又如此自大的自己.

由不知到什麼時候開始你失去了對生活的熱情. 你沒有了很多朋友，沒有了興趣，生活剩下了工作，偶爾買買玩具. 當時我的出現很像為你帶來了少許轉機. 說真的，你當時根本沒有想這麼多. 你只是想緊生活上的一點點東西. 一點屬於自己的東西.

愛這個字其實對你對我來說也太大. 一開始的熱情是真的，對大家的興趣也是真的，想擁有對方的衝動也是真的. 但愛這件事對你我來說也太無私. 我們各自想從對方身上索取所想的但未果. 我們都以為自己已經為對方提供了所需的但也落空了. 結果只是導致了大家愈走愈遠，心意由相通變了走了分叉路.

這或許就是你恐懼的由來吧. 因為很長的一段時間，我帶給你的都是否定. 也給予不了你肯定. 我否定你對我的付出，也給予不了你情緒上的寄托. 我想每個人都是自私的，當時我也沒有想太多. 一古腦兒想把自己的情緒投放轉移到你身上，口裡說不介意，但事實上也是把你當作了自己痛苦的源頭. 而我也很習慣用威脅的方法去獲取自己想要的事，「你唔點點點我就點點點」。久而久之大家也漸漸不再溝通，一味忍。

經歷分手是很痛苦的一件事，但我從來都是個斤斤計較的人. 這個痛苦不能白經過. 點都要攞番啲野. 我也慶幸經歷了一段自我否定自我懷疑的時間後，此刻我可以和自己和解.

此時此刻，你說我是否仍然想一齊，我的心會說是. 但我的腦會不說話. 我著緊你嗎？是的. 我想念你的陪伴和溫柔嗎？是的. 但我們適合嗎？我不知道. 我想我們是適合的，不然我們也不會開始，不會無視全世界去開始. 但現實上是我們都固執，我們都

1. 肥左 醜樣左 著衫差左 - 性吸引力下降 所以性冷淡

2. 生活習慣 - 你早睡我晚睡 你早起我晚起 你整潔我隨意

你有懷疑 你一開始也打算照顧我一生一世 但當你實際去做卻心懷嫌棄 你有動搖 是否不夠愛我 所以才會不耐煩

3. 情緒病 - 一直也好不了 經常情緒差

[cindssss]

你要記住呢一刻嘅感覺

你覺得呢個人 唔值得

你覺得呢個人 唔值得愛 唔值得用心去挽留

別人挽留 係因為自己有錯

你有錯 但未錯到要一個人係你離緊婚 抑鬱症嘅時候 去同你分手

佢咁嘅選擇 係自私 係賤格

[cindssss]

我們生命中的交集：

1. Gelo

2. 衣服

3. 卡

4. 生日drink

5. 貓情況

[cindssss]

我真的真的以為 我們的感情是堅不可摧.

我真的真的以為 我們捱過最苦 往後只會更好

但我忘記了 曾經一起旅行四十多日的朋友都可以絕交

曾經發誓要生死與共的夫妻都可以出軌背叛

我和你的誓言 又算得上什麼

你說要走 我不能多說一句 我只可以看著你走遠 猜測你是否正和前度在一起 是否和新女友在一起

你不要我了 我什麼也做不了

我的愛是否如此廉價

[cindssss]

我今年生日 祝你呢一世都唔會有幸福. And what everyone wish for you.

[cindssss]

It’s a competition for myself

It’s his birthday on Friday. What hints had I picked up so far regarding his attitude?

Not a lot.

He found me back to ask me about my cat after I ignored him whole day.

But he also refused my request to meet him on Sunday and said meet after 2/7.

What are u afriad of? U afriad he reject you. U afraid he already dated others for dinner. Dated Fanny?

U wanted to play hard to guess. You wanted to not say happy birthday to him. U wanted to pretend u don’t remember.

But let’s face it. We both know you remember. U made it clear.

He is probably thinking, she’s pretending Hard to get.

You want to 制做危機感. But I think he wouldn’t buy in this.

關心則亂.

Stay calm LSY. Use your talent. To think inside his shoes.

[cindssss]

Ok let’s do some analysis

Last night our conversation ended with me telling the address, he fell asleep, wake up, no follow up reply.

I didn’t find him the entire day.

He supposed to have had lunch with his PTU friends. Then he went dinner at home. Now it’s almost the time he returned back home.

And now, he texted me and asked how’s my cat.

He can’t think of a topic. I called him about my cat the day before. He knew it’s a topic that shows that he still care about me. It’s a 暗示.

How should I reply:

1. Ask him nothing about his day. About his gathering with his family. I don’t care much about your life anymore.

2. Tell him briefly about how my cat is like. Thank him for asking

3. Show that I feel hopeless already.

[cindssss]

我連最後一個可以對著他哭的人也弄丟了。

再沒有電話可以打。

[cindssss]

咦

你怎么走了呀

[cindssss]

I hope when you see my corpse, you can recall some of your love towards me.