circuitslikelightning-blog

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"I won’t. Promise." The demon scooted forward and wrapped her legs around Vira, pressing herself as close as she could, "That’s all I ask." It would be a fairly large learning process of what you should and shouldn’t do to a lover, but she was fully willing to try her hardest to make it work. No one understood everything that made her her quite like the virus did. 

Vira smiled a little and moved closer, pressing her face against Troi's neck. "I love you," she said softy, her voice thick with emotion. "And I don't deserve you. I –” I nearly lost you. The thought was like a slap in the face, driving it all home. How had she ever considered lying to Troi, when that could be the price? And for a stupid game, a cheap trick – no. Vira pressed a slow kiss to Troi’s neck, hoping the emotion could show through.

“Flynn. I was such an idiot.” She ran her hands down Troi’s legs, resettling them around herself so they were more comfortably arranged, before her hands settled on the small of Troi’s back. Vira rested her forehead against Troi’s, actually meeting Troi’s eyes in a way she couldn’t manage with anyone else. “I – I can’t apologize enough.” She hesitated only moment before adding, “I think Lucas would agree. Fuck.” She tightened her grip, her hands clinging to Troi’s hoodie yet still trembling slightly. “Troi, I –” She took a breath. “I –”

Vira pressed her eyes shut and buried her face in Troi’s neck, feeling tears prick at her eyes. What was happening? “S-sorry,” she gasped, her voice broken by a shuddering breath. “I – I’m just –”

What? Glitching? No. Letting the emotion go.

“S-stupid and emot-emotional,” she managed.

AU | Mistakes Were Made | Lucas and Troi

  Vira smiled gently and leaned into the touch.  γσų ŗεąℓℓγ ŧɧïŋҡ ŧɧïş ɱεąŋş γσų’ŗε ∱σŗɠï√εŋ﹖ Somewhere in the back of her mind, a cold laugh sounded. Vira managed to shake it off, aided by the feeling of Troi’s lips against hers, the comfort of home. She returned the kiss with a hesitancy that felt foreign, but she didn’t want to screw this up. If she was too eager – if Troi pushed her away again –

“The яιgнт kind oƒ ƒυcкє∂ υρ,” she murmured thoughtfully, adjusting so she was naturally leaning against the counter, her hip brushing against Troi’s leg as she let a small smile come into existence.  This  was more her, adjusting to the nearly gravitational pull she felt from the demon. “You’re proving my ρσιηт. You ℓιкє it all. Anyone else would be running from me.”

“∂ση’т ℓєανє,” she said finally, her voice breaking on the last word. “If I … ℓσѕє you again …” She shook her head. “These past few decicycles have been нєℓℓ.” She laughed hollowly, her hand moving reflexively to cup Troi’s cheek, reassuring the virus she wasn’t still alone. “I’ll tell you if you hurt me, I ρяσмιѕє. And I ѕωєαя that I’m not going to hurt you again.” She brushed her thumb over Troi’s cheek. “ηєνєя αgαιη.”

[circuitslikelightning-blog]

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Vira smiled gently and leaned into the touch.  γσų ŗεąℓℓγ ŧɧïŋҡ ŧɧïş ɱεąŋş γσų'ŗε ∱σŗɠï√εŋ﹖ Somewhere in the back of her mind, a cold laugh sounded. Vira managed to shake it off, aided by the feeling of Troi’s lips against hers, the comfort of home. She returned the kiss with a hesitancy that felt foreign, but she didn’t want to screw this up. If she was too eager – if Troi pushed her away again –

“The яιgнт kind oƒ ƒυcкє∂ υρ,” she murmured thoughtfully, adjusting so she was naturally leaning against the counter, her hip brushing against Troi’s leg as she let a small smile come into existence.  This  was more her, adjusting to the nearly gravitational pull she felt from the demon. “You’re proving my ρσιηт. You ℓιкє it all. Anyone else would be running from me.”

“∂ση'т ℓєανє,” she said finally, her voice breaking on the last word. “If I … ℓσѕє you again …” She shook her head. “These past few decicycles have been нєℓℓ.” She laughed hollowly, her hand moving reflexively to cup Troi’s cheek, reassuring the virus she wasn’t still alone. “I’ll tell you if you hurt me, I ρяσмιѕє. And I ѕωєαя that I’m not going to hurt you again.” She brushed her thumb over Troi’s cheek. “ηєνєя αgαιη.”

AU | Mistakes Were Made | Lucas and Troi

“Because I have a fucking heart.” Her voice was crackling with distortion now, as she got more agitated. You҉’rę jusţ ͜lìke̕ y̵ou͏r͞ mo̶the͠r̕.̸ C͜l̸in͠g̡i͡ng ͞to ̛so͞m̵et҉hing ̡t̶hat̵ is̀n’̕t ̀th͝e̶r̀e͜.̀ ͞Yo̴u t̶hi̶n͠k̷ ͢t͟h͡ąt’s g̨o̶in̛g͏ t͘o ̶iḿp̕ŕess ͏anyone͝?̷ “I trust and I love and I’m starting to learn why that’s a mistake.” Уо̀ц͠’̡ґё a̶ cнї̸ld.

"Then we’re both fucked, aren’t we?" Vira noticed dimly that the glow of yellow in her fingertips had brightened. Soon she’d be shooting lightning, j͞ust ͜li͏ke͜ d҉a̵ddý. She wasn’t sure whether the laugh that threatened came from the virus or … further away. “If you aren’t willing to t̸͟r̷y̸.”

She dug her fingertips into her palm. It hurt in all the best ways, like a knife and sex together, but it didn’t help clear her head. Are ̶you u͝s̵ìn̴g ̛me̢? I̴s̡ ̢t͟hat wh͜at̨ this͏ ͏i̕s̀? I͝s͏ ͝t͞ha̧t͡ ̷al͟l͘ ̨I͜ a̡m̴ ̷t̶o ͢y͝ou?́ She caved and pressed her fingers to her head, trying to quiet the toughts.

Be gentle, her program side was telling her. Don’t hurt her; you’ve done enough of that already. The virus was whipering des̡tr̶oy҉ ̴he͢r, but Vira was trying to ignore that.

“W͟hat ̕d̶o̕ ̷you wa͏n̷ţ ̷f͠r̷om mę, ͘Troi͞?͜” she asked finally, her voice as soft as a hissing mess of sounds could be. “A͜s͢k,̸ a̕nd̨ ̛it̛’s ́yo͟ùr͠s.̛ Ju͢s͘t̢ … te͟ll̨ ̴m̴e what͜.” She was silent a long moment, then pleaded. “Please.” It was a small word, but she managed to keep the hissing at bay.

[circuitslikelightning-blog]

“I don’t know anymore.” Vira’s eyes were faded yellow, tired. “I don’t know what you’re telling me. I – I don’t understand users, I don’t understand underlanders, ι ∂ση’т ƒυcкιηg υη∂єяѕтαη∂.” Her hands dropped to her sides. “You know a damn sight more about ℓσνє than I do.” Vira sighed. “I’m going to break Chai, purposefully or not. He doesn’t love me – sure, he thinks he does. He ოﻨցհէ even lﻨĸε Vira.” She knew as she said it that Chai did love Lucas, that Lucas loved him back. But Vira’d had to carve out parts of herself before. This would hurt, but it wouldn’t kill her. She took a step closer to Troi. “But would he ℓσνє me if I came home cσνєяє∂ in someone else’s pixels, hmm? How many people would єηנσу the fucking ƒrεακ šh⊕ω  that is me in bed? How many are willing to come on a hunt and not be яєνσℓтє∂ by me?” The more she said, the stronger was her surety that she was making the right choice.

Vira placed her palms on the kitchen counter, leaning closer but not directly invading the demon’s space. “I won’t be happy without you. Ironically, ι’м α вєттєя ωєαρση when I'm вяσкєη.” She smiled bitterly. “I’m ruined because I love you. I used to be a killing machine, and now, I’m sitting on a user couch writing a song about a girl with bright eyes. So no fucking worries, darling, ι’м яυιηє∂.” She smiled briefly. “I can’t give you guidance, darling. I’m barely thirty cycles old. What do you expect?”

AU | Mistakes Were Made | Lucas and Troi

“Because I have a fucking heart.” Her voice was crackling with distortion now, as she got more agitated. You҉’rę jusţ ͜lìke̕ y̵ou͏r͞ mo̶the͠r̕.̸ C͜l̸in͠g̡i͡ng ͞to ̛so͞m̵et҉hing ̡t̶hat̵ is̀n’̕t ̀th͝e̶r̀e͜.̀ ͞Yo̴u t̶hi̶n͠k̷ ͢t͟h͡ąt’s g̨o̶in̛g͏ t͘o ̶iḿp̕ŕess ͏anyone͝?̷ “I trust and I love and I’m starting to learn why that’s a mistake.” Уо̀ц͠’̡ґё a̶ cнї̸ld.

"Then we’re both fucked, aren’t we?" Vira noticed dimly that the glow of yellow in her fingertips had brightened. Soon she’d be shooting lightning, j͞ust ͜li͏ke͜ d҉a̵ddý. She wasn’t sure whether the laugh that threatened came from the virus or … further away. “If you aren’t willing to t̸͟r̷y̸.”

She dug her fingertips into her palm. It hurt in all the best ways, like a knife and sex together, but it didn’t help clear her head. Are ̶you u͝s̵ìn̴g ̛me̢? I̴s̡ ̢t͟hat wh͜at̨ this͏ ͏i̕s̀? I͝s͏ ͝t͞ha̧t͡ ̷al͟l͘ ̨I͜ a̡m̴ ̷t̶o ͢y͝ou?́ She caved and pressed her fingers to her head, trying to quiet the toughts.

Be gentle, her program side was telling her. Don’t hurt her; you’ve done enough of that already. The virus was whipering des̡tr̶oy҉ ̴he͢r, but Vira was trying to ignore that.

“W͟hat ̕d̶o̕ ̷you wa͏n̷ţ ̷f͠r̷om mę, ͘Troi͞?͜” she asked finally, her voice as soft as a hissing mess of sounds could be. “A͜s͢k,̸ a̕nd̨ ̛it̛’s ́yo͟ùr͠s.̛ Ju͢s͘t̢ … te͟ll̨ ̴m̴e what͜.” She was silent a long moment, then pleaded. “Please.” It was a small word, but she managed to keep the hissing at bay.

[circuitslikelightning-blog]

“Because I have a fucking heart.” Her voice was crackling with distortion now, as she got more agitated. You҉'rę jusţ ͜lìke̕ y̵ou͏r͞ mo̶the͠r̕.̸ C͜l̸in͠g̡i͡ng ͞to ̛so͞m̵et҉hing ̡t̶hat̵ is̀n'̕t ̀th͝e̶r̀e͜.̀ ͞Yo̴u t̶hi̶n͠k̷ ͢t͟h͡ąt's g̨o̶in̛g͏ t͘o ̶iḿp̕ŕess ͏anyone͝?̷ “I trust and I love and I’m starting to learn why that’s a mistake.” Уо̀ц͠'̡ґё a̶ cнї̸ld.

"Then we're both fucked, aren't we?" Vira noticed dimly that the glow of yellow in her fingertips had brightened. Soon she’d be shooting lightning, j͞ust ͜li͏ke͜ d҉a̵ddý. She wasn’t sure whether the laugh that threatened came from the virus or … further away. “If you aren’t willing to t̸͟r̷y̸.”

She dug her fingertips into her palm. It hurt in all the best ways, like a knife and sex together, but it didn’t help clear her head. Are ̶you u͝s̵ìn̴g ̛me̢? I̴s̡ ̢t͟hat wh͜at̨ this͏ ͏i̕s̀? I͝s͏ ͝t͞ha̧t͡ ̷al͟l͘ ̨I͜ a̡m̴ ̷t̶o ͢y͝ou?́ She caved and pressed her fingers to her head, trying to quiet the toughts.

Be gentle, her program side was telling her. Don’t hurt her; you’ve done enough of that already. The virus was whipering des̡tr̶oy҉ ̴he͢r, but Vira was trying to ignore that.

“W͟hat ̕d̶o̕ ̷you wa͏n̷ţ ̷f͠r̷om mę, ͘Troi͞?͜” she asked finally, her voice as soft as a hissing mess of sounds could be. “A͜s͢k,̸ a̕nd̨ ̛it̛'s ́yo͟ùr͠s.̛ Ju͢s͘t̢ ... te͟ll̨ ̴m̴e what͜.” She was silent a long moment, then pleaded. "Please." It was a small word, but she managed to keep the hissing at bay.

AU | Mistakes Were Made | Lucas and Troi

“Because Lucas is the same brand of idiot I am.” Vira squeezed Troi’s hand gently. “Besides, even if I would’ve said no, I was in no state to.” She glanced at Troi’s eyes. “I was a virus, not a program. I wasn’t exactly functional.”

Vira sighed, unsure how to cope with an emotional demon. She settled on taking a note from what she’d seen Patch do with his cub of a mate and butted her forehead against Troi’s gently. “Liability, maybe. But I’d die before I asked you to leave.” She pulled back with a slight smile, hoping the woman wasn’t going to cry. “I love you, Troi. You’re … you’re the nearest thing I have to a mate.”

[circuitslikelightning-blog]

“I know I shouldn’t have. You think I don’t know?” She took a deep breath. “I thought I had it under control, and I was wrong, and I was stupid.” She pulled away from Troi a little, giving the demon a look. “I’m sorry I’m not as experienced as you are.”

She wasn’t getting through and she knew it. It was enough to wake the virus, her eyes flashing yellow. She caught the way Troi stiffened and pulled away entirely, assuming she’d done something wrong. W̡hi͞c̶h̷ is͢ ̴j̧us̴t ̡li̸ke ̀you̴,͝ ͡ąf͟t̛er ́a̶ll͘.

“You aren’t ŕe҉p̵l̢a̵ce͜ab͞le, Troian,” she said quietly, her voice cracking with distortion. “I could tell you quite a few things worth loving about you. Write a poem. Sing a song.” Her hands twisted against  themselves, each struggling to restrain the other. She doesn’t care; she wants you to leave. “I have,” she admitted finally, her hands stilling. “Just because I’m young doesn't mean I don’t know what I want, alright?” 

AU | Mistakes Were Made | Lucas and Troi

“Because Lucas is the same brand of idiot I am.” Vira squeezed Troi’s hand gently. “Besides, even if I would’ve said no, I was in no state to.” She glanced at Troi’s eyes. “I was a virus, not a program. I wasn’t exactly functional.”

Vira sighed, unsure how to cope with an emotional demon. She settled on taking a note from what she’d seen Patch do with his cub of a mate and butted her forehead against Troi’s gently. “Liability, maybe. But I’d die before I asked you to leave.” She pulled back with a slight smile, hoping the woman wasn’t going to cry. “I love you, Troi. You’re … you’re the nearest thing I have to a mate.”

[circuitslikelightning-blog]

“Because Lucas is the same brand of idiot I am.” Vira squeezed Troi’s hand gently. “Besides, even if I would’ve said no, I was in no state to.” She glanced at Troi’s eyes. “I was a virus, not a program. I wasn’t exactly functional.”

Vira sighed, unsure how to cope with an emotional demon. She settled on taking a note from what she’d seen Patch do with his cub of a mate and butted her forehead against Troi’s gently. “Liability, maybe. But I’d die before I asked you to leave.” She pulled back with a slight smile, hoping the woman wasn’t going to cry. “I love you, Troi. You’re … you’re the nearest thing I have to a mate.”

AU | Mistakes Were Made | Lucas and Troi

“You existed before him, you knew who you were before Thackery. I don’t have that luxury. I should have told you, I know that now, but I was being selfish. Having my own life.” She hesitated. “You wouldn’t’ve liked me being … Lucas.” Her hand stilled on Troi’s leg.

Vira didn’t want to be the one to mention Chai. She still didn’t know how she’d deal with this now – explain? tell the panda the truth? He’d never forgive her. But it wasn’t fair to expect either Troi or Chai to understand; asking them to coexist was too selfish. She’d have to choose, and if there was one thing Vira was, it was predictable. She could assume how this ended; it was just going to hurt.

“I don’t mean derezzed, I mean … gone. Of your own free will.” She resumed the tracing on Troi’s leg, the virus fluttering into life in her fingertips at the stimulation, a small glow against Troi’s skin. “It doesn’t matter anymore. You know who Lucas is, so it won’t be the same.”

[circuitslikelightning-blog]

“It wasn’t trust, don’t you see? I just – I needed to be alone, for once in my life.” Vira sighed. “I’m never alone – you, or Chai, or Ada, or Dinah, or just the little sounds in my mind –” She broke off, her gaze dropping to the worn linoleum floor. “It’s too loud. Lucas only hears the music, and he doesn’t worry about people seeing him.”

Vira shook her head, intertwining her fingers with Troi’s. “I want you undisputedly; I don’t think you want to be here.” She risked leaning forward, her forehead touching Troi’s softly. “Why would I want a new life without my partner in crime?”

AU | Mistakes Were Made | Lucas and Troi

“You existed before him, you knew who you were before Thackery. I don’t have that luxury. I should have told you, I know that now, but I was being selfish. Having my own life.” She hesitated. “You wouldn’t’ve liked me being … Lucas.” Her hand stilled on Troi’s leg.

Vira didn’t want to be the one to mention Chai. She still didn’t know how she’d deal with this now – explain? tell the panda the truth? He’d never forgive her. But it wasn’t fair to expect either Troi or Chai to understand; asking them to coexist was too selfish. She’d have to choose, and if there was one thing Vira was, it was predictable. She could assume how this ended; it was just going to hurt.

“I don’t mean derezzed, I mean … gone. Of your own free will.” She resumed the tracing on Troi’s leg, the virus fluttering into life in her fingertips at the stimulation, a small glow against Troi’s skin. “It doesn’t matter anymore. You know who Lucas is, so it won’t be the same.”

[circuitslikelightning-blog]

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“You existed before him, you knew who you were before Thackery. I don’t have that luxury. I should have told you, I know that now, but I was being selfish. Having my own life.” She hesitated. “You wouldn’t’ve liked me being … Lucas.” Her hand stilled on Troi’s leg.

Vira didn’t want to be the one to mention Chai. She still didn’t know how she’d deal with this now – explain? tell the panda the truth? He’d never forgive her. But it wasn’t fair to expect either Troi or Chai to understand; asking them to coexist was too selfish. She’d have to choose, and if there was one thing Vira was, it was predictable. She could assume how this ended; it was just going to hurt.

“I don’t mean derezzed, I mean … gone. Of your own free will.” She resumed the tracing on Troi’s leg, the virus fluttering into life in her fingertips at the stimulation, a small glow against Troi’s skin. “It doesn’t matter anymore. You know who Lucas is, so it won’t be the same."

AU | Mistakes Were Made | Lucas and Troi

Vira moved closer hesitantly, leaning against the counter next to Troi. “I … I can’t promise that,” she said softly. “Please understand, Troi. I – I can’t promise. Lucas was – he was mine, don’t you see? He loved you because I did, but he wasn’t tied up in …” She gestured to herself, trying to find a word. “Don’t you ever feel like people only associate with you because of Thackery? Can you imagine living your whole life like that?”

Vira moved slowly, the tips of her fingers barely brushing against Troi’s leg. Vira had a lot of time to think, in her life; she was alone so much of the time. She’d very quickly started to rip apart her own mind, to dissect herself from the inside out. And she’d learned – oh, how fast – that she hated herself. The worst part was that she’d never learned how to live alone – she’d always had Ada, and she’d always, always had Troi. Lucas had been a test, a chance to escape her entanglements.

She really should’ve known she would fuck that up. Vira traced patterns on Troi’s leg idly, tracing the shape of circuits onto the user’s skin and wondering how Troi’d look with circuits of her own – in yellow, of course, because Troi was a virus too, in a user fashion.

“I’m n-not – not finished. I’m a beta.” She wasn’t sure what the user word was, or even if they had one. “And –” Her voice broke slightly. “When you leave me, what’ll I be, if I’ve never lived without you?” She pulled her hand back, used it to tuck her hair behind her ear, her voice dropping to a whisper. “I can’t function without you. I need to learn how. That’s why I lied.”

[circuitslikelightning-blog]

Vira moved closer hesitantly, leaning against the counter next to Troi. “I … I can’t promise that,” she said softly. “Please understand, Troi. I – I can’t promise. Lucas was – he was mine, don’t you see? He loved you because I did, but he wasn’t tied up in …” She gestured to herself, trying to find a word. “Don’t you ever feel like people only associate with you because of Thackery? Can you imagine living your whole life like that?”

Vira moved slowly, the tips of her fingers barely brushing against Troi’s leg. Vira had a lot of time to think, in her life; she was alone so much of the time. She’d very quickly started to rip apart her own mind, to dissect herself from the inside out. And she’d learned – oh, how fast – that she hated herself. The worst part was that she’d never learned how to live alone – she’d always had Ada, and she’d always, always had Troi. Lucas had been a test, a chance to escape her entanglements.

She really should’ve known she would fuck that up. Vira traced patterns on Troi’s leg idly, tracing the shape of circuits onto the user’s skin and wondering how Troi’d look with circuits of her own – in yellow, of course, because Troi was a virus too, in a user fashion.

“I’m n-not – not finished. I’m a beta.” She wasn’t sure what the user word was, or even if they had one. “And –” Her voice broke slightly. “When you leave me, what’ll I be, if I’ve never lived without you?” She pulled her hand back, used it to tuck her hair behind her ear, her voice dropping to a whisper. “I can’t function without you. I need to learn how. That's why I lied.”

AU | Mistakes Were Made | Lucas and Troi

Vira was far from unaware. Living on the scarlet lit edge of things tended to do that to a program, but now she was safe. She was lulled by the familiar scents and the familiar feelings; her jeans and tshirt; the hoodie she’d made hers, although she didn’t know if it originally belonged to Chai or Troian or herself, or if it mattered anymore; the way the pen fit in her hands; the way she thought in lyrics instead of thoughts, or the terrifying nothingness she’d felt lately.

Still, she eventually felt the eyes on her and straightened, turning to the door, a territorial snarl curling her lips to bear her teeth. The second she realized who it was, though, she stopped, her whole form stilling, like a statue.

An instant later, she turned back, closing the notebook with delicate movements, tucking the pen  into the spiral on the side. She stood, turning to face Troi with a posture that paradoxically suggested defiance and submission; heels together, head slightly bowed, eyes fixed on Troi’s face but not meeting the demon’s gaze.

“You came back too,” she noted, her voice even and calm, even as she pulled the sleeves of her hoodie down over her hands. What could she say? I love you. I’ve missed you. It’s been hell without you. Of course she wouldn’t say that; no matter what, Vira had her damned pride. “I’m sorry; this is your territory.” She inclined her head - the closest she could come to her mother’s stiff, sarcastic bows. “I’m just picking up some things. Programs don’t make tea, you understand.”

[circuitslikelightning-blog]

Vira watched Troi with faded eyes. The virus forced herself not to follow her immediately, but instead wait and set her notebook down on the couch before following the demon into the kitchen. She leaned against the doorframe, her arms wrapped around her stomach as she watched Troi. Vira could see the tension in the set of the woman’s shoulders, in the way she moved. The virus thankfully missed what had set Troi off about the tea, but there was no mistaking the upset in the demon’s eyes.

“I don’t think an apology will help, will it?” she asked softly, her fingers twisting into the fabric of the hoodie she wore. She laughed softly, and it sounded a little fake to her, or maybe she was scared it would sound fake to Troi. “That’s for the best. There aren’t really any words for what I want to say anyway.” She'd tried, she'd tried every different combination of them but none touched the sheer breadth of the emotion.

AU | Mistakes Were Made | Lucas and Troi

Vira was far from unaware. Living on the scarlet lit edge of things tended to do that to a program, but now she was safe. She was lulled by the familiar scents and the familiar feelings; her jeans and tshirt; the hoodie she’d made hers, although she didn’t know if it originally belonged to Chai or Troian or herself, or if it mattered anymore; the way the pen fit in her hands; the way she thought in lyrics instead of thoughts, or the terrifying nothingness she’d felt lately.

Still, she eventually felt the eyes on her and straightened, turning to the door, a territorial snarl curling her lips to bear her teeth. The second she realized who it was, though, she stopped, her whole form stilling, like a statue.

An instant later, she turned back, closing the notebook with delicate movements, tucking the pen  into the spiral on the side. She stood, turning to face Troi with a posture that paradoxically suggested defiance and submission; heels together, head slightly bowed, eyes fixed on Troi’s face but not meeting the demon’s gaze.

“You came back too,” she noted, her voice even and calm, even as she pulled the sleeves of her hoodie down over her hands. What could she say? I love you. I’ve missed you. It’s been hell without you. Of course she wouldn’t say that; no matter what, Vira had her damned pride. “I’m sorry; this is your territory.” She inclined her head - the closest she could come to her mother’s stiff, sarcastic bows. “I’m just picking up some things. Programs don’t make tea, you understand.”

[circuitslikelightning-blog]

Vira was far from unaware. Living on the scarlet lit edge of things tended to do that to a program, but now she was safe. She was lulled by the familiar scents and the familiar feelings; her jeans and tshirt; the hoodie she'd made hers, although she didn't know if it originally belonged to Chai or Troian or herself, or if it mattered anymore; the way the pen fit in her hands; the way she thought in lyrics instead of thoughts, or the terrifying nothingness she’d felt lately.

Still, she eventually felt the eyes on her and straightened, turning to the door, a territorial snarl curling her lips to bear her teeth. The second she realized who it was, though, she stopped, her whole form stilling, like a statue.

An instant later, she turned back, closing the notebook with delicate movements, tucking the pen  into the spiral on the side. She stood, turning to face Troi with a posture that paradoxically suggested defiance and submission; heels together, head slightly bowed, eyes fixed on Troi’s face but not meeting the demon’s gaze.

“You came back too,” she noted, her voice even and calm, even as she pulled the sleeves of her hoodie down over her hands. What could she say? I love you. I've missed you. It's been hell without you. Of course she wouldn't say that; no matter what, Vira had her damned pride. “I’m sorry; this is your territory." She inclined her head - the closest she could come to her mother's stiff, sarcastic bows. "I'm just picking up some things. Programs don't make tea, you understand."

AU | Mistakes Were Made | Lucas and Troi

Troi honestly couldn’t remember much about the past… how many days had it even been? After her first 20 few human kills, she’d taken up residence in the hill-y forest area not overly far from the park. She’d moved dwellings everyday to keep the human authorities off her trail, even though all the bodies (or at least what she’d left of them) were within the shadows, free to any demon who could access that realm and was close enough to smell it.

She lived off Upperland’s earth, which was far easier than Underland’s. The only thing she missed was the ease of bathing. The clean scent that lingered after a hot shower. The demon needed it. Something to rinse this rage she’d been in since- No, we aren’t thinking about that. Be it conscious or unconscious, she’d kept away because she wasn’t ready to face Vira.

Troi finally made her way back to the MTP area, immediately soaking for hours in the bath to rid herself of the caked on dirt and mud. Even once her fingers and toes pruned, she stayed to scrub off the more stubborn spots. She only left the warm liquid to dry herself off and pull one of her usual hoodies on, though it was far to large and fell off one shoulder. Her tired feet carried her into the common room and stopped just inside of the door as her eyes took in the sight of Vira on the couch. Oh gods, what do I even say?

[circuitslikelightning-blog]

Vira didn’t let herself look back as she swept out of the room, her eyes flashing yellow. She managed to leash herself until she reached the arcade. And then it was a fight, a fight to simply enter her information, not to smash the terminal. I͡ c̛o̶uld͟ ́de̷s̀troy͟ ̸it͘, ͘bu҉t I w̧o̧ņ't̀.͠ ̨Sen͡t͟i͞me̵n͘t̸a͟l.̢ ͞F̶itt͏ing.

She made it to the grid before she lost it Her eyes flashed yellow and her skin started to burn. She felt the circuits by her eye blaze out against her skin and she bit back a snarl. At least she couldn’t cry, here. That would be perfectly embarrassing. She looked down at her hands, at how her hands glowed a bright yellow, like lighting was trapped in her skin. She held her chin up. She must look a sight, all white skin and dark hair, and yellow circuits showing through the shattered parts of her skin, like a broken thing. W̷hat e͡l͞s͢e̸ ͘am͡ ̧I͢ ͟i͢f͝ n҉ot̨ ̨br͘o̢ke̡n? If҉ not͠ ̢c͟ra͠çke͡d!  She laughed, mirthlessly, wondering where her father was, and if it mattered. Then she turned on her heel and let her consciousness slip away. S҉̶͡p̕̕͡ŗ̷͏e͢a̢͘d҉ ̶t̷̢h̵e̶̢ pa̸̢͜i̵̢̕n.̧̕͘ And Vira had an awful lot of her own pain to spread.

It took her ten decicyles to resurface. It was the first time she’d woken up to less infected than before, but apparently, she’d been pissed. Especially considering how the survivors all flinched from her, how even Patch looked scared at her approach. She gathered it’d taken a lot of intervention from her infectees to keep him alive. She was almost thankful for it, except that she still felt empty inside. It was time, she deduced, to face the metaphorical music. She didn’t tell anyone where she was going, just that she was going.

She found herself making tea, once she got there. Tea had always been one of her favorite things about the user world, and it was instinctive to seek it now. She toyed briefly with going to find Chai, but the idea was discarded. What was the point of any of it, anymore? She liked Chai, but he couldn’t comfort her.

She eventually moved to the sofa, arranging herself with careful precision, a notebook open on her lap and a pen in hand. For once, no words were coming. She had no words for the sensation inside her, and that made her uneasy.

AU | Mistakes Were Made | Lucas and Troi

"So… you don’t trust me? You should know that I would maintain a secret. I’m not that stupid. I understand needing a different identity. I’ve done it far more times that you can imagine.” √ïŗą đσεş ŋσŧ щąŋŧ ŧσ ɓε ɧąþþγ щïŧɧ γσų. şɧε şąïđ ïŧ ɧεŗşεℓ∱. Shut up! But… she did. Lucas was her attempt to be happy. And I wasn’t meant to be part of it. ɓεƈąųşε γσų ąŗε щσŗŧɧℓεşş. I… I must be. She threw me… us… everything we were, away to keep up this stupid lie!

There it was. That little thing she’d feared hearing from the one person she couldn’t handle it from. щσŗŧɧℓεşş щɧσŗε."You meant something to me. You weren’t just another fuckbuddy. Hell, most don’t even make it the night.” Hadn’t Troi made it clear that she just couldn’t be monogamous? She had higher needs than one person was physically capable of giving.

ŧɧąŧ щąş ą ŧɧŗεąŧ. şɧε’ℓℓ đεşŧŗσγ γσų ï∱ γσų đσŋ’ŧ đσ ïŧ ∱ïŗşŧ.The demon curled in on herself, covering her eyes with her hands and sobbing, “A-as you w-wi-sh.” Shaking, she dissolved into the darkness, pulling her knees up to her chest and crying hard enough to lose her breath. It was just her and the nothing. The Madness returned to it’s whispers, rather than yelling. Troi couldn’t handle anymore yelling. Her throat hurt, her chest felt heavy and everything was upside-down. All there was left to do was feed. Nothing more could be made of such a day and it’d only just begun. She waited until she could see Vira leave, despite it being impossible to interact with the virus’ form, moving through the shadow and out to her hunting grounds. Her eyes were dead and slightly puffy as she began mercilessly slaughtering her usual prey, dragging them into the darkness where nothing would be heard or found.

[circuitslikelightning-blog]

“I lied because that’s a secret.” Vira’s voice was still soft, but the words were bitten out. "I'm a criminal. I have them. “Lucas was my attempt to be happy, to prove I’m more than an infection. More than everything that Vira is. Another form? Lucas was – is –” She gestured helplessly. “I’m not in control. You think I would have broken my wrist? You think I –”

She broke off, running a hand through her hair, falling back to sit on the bed. “I didn’t know,” she said miserably. “I – she – he­ thought –” She looked up at the demoness. “ – thought … anyone would do. I’m just one of your –” She pressed her eyes shut for a long moment.  Love is weakness, after all; if you weren’t so caught up in the damned creature, you would’ve said n̶o͡.̶ V̡irưs. I̸͞͡m͘p̢͘èr͢f͡͠ęc̡.t͏ I̶̢͢ń͞͡f̴̧̀e̛͜c̡̀҉t҉i͡͏̴̧o̷̵̢͠n̡͝. “I’m nothing,” she said finally, her voice choked with a half-sob, half-laugh. “My word means nothing.”

She stood up, her eyes slowly fading into a yellow, still mixed with green. She was too tired for the virus to come out in force, but it recognized the other predator and wasn’t about to leave the idiot program to handle this herself. Da͜n͘g̀e͏r. R͡u̸n̴, the virus was telling her. Run far, and don’t look back. “We’re both ov͜er̛c̶h̕a̕r͏̧̀g̷̀͜e̢d̵,” she said, her voice crackling with static. “Please, don’t m͠ak̵e̕ me do something I’ll r͝e͏ǵre͞t.” As if she could. As if she would. Troi could rip Vira limb from limb and the program would barely put up a fight. “We need t̀i̕m͜e͠.” She looked at Troi pleadingly. Let me go, let me derezz, let me infect and destroy - and then we'll talk, she wanted to say, but she didn't. They didn't talk, Troi'd said that - but they'd have to, someday.

AU | Mistakes Were Made | Lucas and Troi

“I wasn’t toying with you,” Vira said, the words barely a breath leaving her lips. “I promise. I was – Troi, Lucas and I are –” Her voice cracked and she went silent. How could she explain what Lucas was? He wasn’t quite her – and his games weren’t hers, his emotions weren’t entirely hers. “You seemed happy. I –” She took a deep breath, standing and brushing her hand against Troi’s cheek. She wasn’t sure how much of her emotion the demon could sense, but she hoped Troi could sense the sheer helplessness of it. “I’m so sorry. Believe me when I say I never meant to hurt you. And –” Vira took a deep breath, looking at Troi and deciding to come out and say it. “I told you. I could’ve run.” Her eyes had stopped even the small glow, had become a flat, user green. “I wanted you to know the truth.”

Vira knew she was pleading senselessly, trying out different excuses, and that none of them were going to work. Her chest felt tight, like she couldn’t draw breath.  The idea she might’ve done something Troi wouldn’t forgive felt distressingly like the time her arm had been derezzed - like she was off balance and helpless.

“You don’t have to believe me.” Her voice sounded dull, even to her. “Just tell me if it’s worth coming back from the Grid this time.” She was acutely aware of how awful, how manipulative, she was being, but Vira didn’t know any other way to be.

[circuitslikelightning-blog]

“I wasn’t toying with you,” Vira said, the words barely a breath leaving her lips. “I promise. I was – Troi, Lucas and I are –” Her voice cracked and she went silent. How could she explain what Lucas was? He wasn’t quite her – and his games weren’t hers, his emotions weren’t entirely hers. “You seemed happy. I –” She took a deep breath, standing and brushing her hand against Troi’s cheek. She wasn’t sure how much of her emotion the demon could sense, but she hoped Troi could sense the sheer helplessness of it. “I’m so sorry. Believe me when I say I never meant to hurt you. And –” Vira took a deep breath, looking at Troi and deciding to come out and say it. “I told you. I could’ve run.” Her eyes had stopped even the small glow, had become a flat, user green. “I wanted you to know the truth.”

Vira knew she was pleading senselessly, trying out different excuses, and that none of them were going to work. Her chest felt tight, like she couldn’t draw breath.  The idea she might’ve done something Troi wouldn't forgive felt distressingly like the time her arm had been derezzed - like she was off balance and helpless.

“You don’t have to believe me.” Her voice sounded dull, even to her. “Just tell me if it’s worth coming back from the Grid this time.” She was acutely aware of how awful, how manipulative, she was being, but Vira didn't know any other way to be.

AU | Mistakes Were Made | Lucas and Troi

"I - Troi -" He looked up at her, noticing the way she was glaring at him, her tail swishing dangerously. Something inside of him just gave up the fight.

He let it happen, let the mask fall away. His form shifted, eyes flashing to green as the energy was freed for it. His form changed entirely, scars appearing for only a moment before the black suit rezzed over them, covering Vira from the neck to toes, the collar coming halfway up her neck but not quite covering the bite marks that carried over into this form. She looked up at Troi the same way Lucas had, like he - she - expected to be slapped across the face. Vira hadn’t the time to put her personna in place, the one that made her seem in control. Without it, she looked very young, and exceedingly vulnerable.

"I’m so͏rr̵y̛,” she said again, her voice soft. Her voice broke on the last word, distortion creeping in. She didn’t quite meet Troi’s gaze, and she was still braced like she expected to be hit.