cjbvlbin365

[cjbvlbin365]

went to one of my best friend's 31st birthday last night at The Delancey. can’t believe its been about 8 years since the first time i went there. but yeah i went there basically already being awake for 21 hours straight. we carpooled there and i realized how much im gonna regret doing so. lol i realized after about 2 hours that i cant be doing this to myself, being awake for more than a day and drinking. its bad enough that im drinking because im trying to get rid of a lot of the things i consume that are bad for my skin and my health out of my diet. and yesterday i went way over my limit for daily caloric intake. and then i also realized theres no way i could ever go to the gym today.  lmao going out actually contradicted all the things ive been working for the past two weeks on. but how could I say no? its my best friend’s birthday. i cant not attend that. even when i wanted to head home, ready to drop money and just take an uber home and being 26 hours awake straight i decided to stay once i saw law was still passed out drunk and no one except richielle was watching him.  but yeah idk, last night i realized that yeah the world i want to fashion for myself exists in many ways apart from that of the world my friends live. i dont want to drink out late anymore, i dont want to just feast and indulge in yummy food and just turn off my being conscientious of what im eating just because its “inconvenient”.  like the lifestyle i want to live is just different. and my feelings on it all, is i gotta take care of myself and be a bit selfish. im sure my friends would want me to prioritize my health and my life choices for my health and well being.  but yeah. i still had fun last night. after about two hours tho my inner introvert came out and idk im just tired of that whole scene man. just drinking and not giving a fuck about life because its a sense of having fun and not having to think about the stuff that troubles you and stresses you out. idk its okay to drink and have fun which i do believe some are just doing, and then when you sober up, you can just tell who's there to escape. because those having fun are like taking breaks and sobering up and the ones left are those still drowning themselves in alcohol in sheer inebriation and you're just like “damn”.  idk maybe im getting old. maybe im being a negative nancy. but i am starting to question the lifestyles we allow to persist in our lives because its ‘”normal”, even if what's “normal” really end of manifesting into toxic lifestyles over time. its cool if its just a phase. but at one point do you wake up and move past that phase. for me i feel like ive long past that phase. and i just wanna focus on being healthy and taking care of my body and my mental state. im happy with just that. i don't need alcohol to forget about things or for a “release”. i just want to make my life sustainable and without unnecessary stress and toxiciity. surely, there's nothing wrong with that? its just how far are you willing to go to accomplish that for yourself.

[cjbvlbin365]

cold showers! need to wake up earlier. been waking up later around 2am. really trying to prioritize my sleep better so i can get up earlier and do morning HIIT and then heavy lifting and then LISS to cooldown. and then COLD SHOWERS. YUHHH. prioritize mind, prioritize body. find. the. flow. 

[cjbvlbin365]

finding flow is something that im slowly getting to learn. maybe its something we find even just in how we go about our daily life as a whole. not necessarily with just our job or our occupation but just in how we spend our time and what we take joy in being productive in.  these past several years i don’t know if it was necessarily me being lost, or apathetic/lazy about how im living, or maybe if it was even both. but what i can say is now im starting to realize what is worth prioritizing. even though my sleeping schedule is a bit abnormal, its allowed me to prioritize my sleep and exercise which i already has an effect on my mental state. i feel mentally healthier, more stabile, less stressed and anxious, and just overall more relaxed.  also just this morning i saw a yellow spot on my right forearm which now has since disappeared a bit. and it got me researching into my ashy dermatosis again. i came across a guy on youtube by the name of Uly Sambrano. this man just gave me hope. he has documented the past four years of his struggle with the skin condition we share, and his was even worse than mine four years ago. his update from last year its all but cleared up. i think I will try a lot of his pointers. i think i’ve feared and have been ashamed of this ever since I was diagnosed. its about time ive started to just accept it as a part of me and just stop allowing it to terrorize my self image and confidence.  be kind to yourself cj. be kind to your body. be kind to your mind. 

[cjbvlbin365]

i picked up on reading ikigai again. the international best seller. i remember buying that book on my trip to japan damn near 5 years ago. im genuinely glad i did but i do regret not reading it earlier. hmm but maybe i was just meant to read it now. anywho, its been really insightful. coming up on my year 30, im beginning to appreciate living a more healthy lifestyle. i think a lot of these past past 4-5 years has been a lot of recognizing what i need and what i dont need in my life. a kind of testing out of things and seeing what stuff and which people i really hold important and dear to me and who holds me dear. and i am beginning to wonder about my job. if it really is my ikigai or if its not. because im not sure that it is. i think at one point it definitely was a part of it if not in it of itself. the concept of flow and being in the zone is something i read that spoke volumes to me. i dont know if i have ever been in the zone with being a nurse if im being honest with myself. I do know ive been in the zone and passionate about some things in life for sure. although, ive been racking my brain as to remember what things those were.

[cjbvlbin365]

“you’re fearless”, she said sweetly. but then i thought about how scared i am a lot of times. its just growing up out here i learned we cant let ourselves get stuck in life. the only option is to look and carry on forward. no waiting, even slow progress is moving forward. eventually you’ll get where you want to be when the time for it is right. and for right now you’re already where you need to be.

[cjbvlbin365]

okay but lets restart this now.

reviving this four years later. in my defence, this was always a good idea. i just never stayed consistent with doing these. i don’t know if i will be consistent with daily log this year but i mean come on, this will be the year i turn 30. so what the hell, let’s just try.  lots of things have changed about me, much has stayed the same. lets just log these things and start anew. lets flow.