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Undeserving

I am constantly being reminded of how I started in the field where I work as a photographer. I decided to write and share this thing to acknowledge (and practically to remind myself) of how good, gracious and faithful the Lord has been in my life.

It was 5 years ago when I graduated Advertising Arts in UST since I know in my heart that I have always dreamed of becoming a fashion photographer ever since High School, so most of my life-decisions have pretty much revolved around it. Some might say that I have come a long way. It’s true. From applying as an assistant/ intern/ apprentice (whatever you call it) and actually assisted for months ‘till got absorbed as one of his photographers,  passing resumes to different publications and gets unnoticed, getting small online clients, to finally getting published and being able to work with advertising agencies for different brand campaign shoots.

Things are getting more stable as I get projects everyday but my heart would grumble as I would want to have more rest and I found myself failing to see the overflowing blessings He has been giving me. Nothing wrong with wanting to rest but its the condition of my heart that was wrong. Magazine and advertising shoots became a common thing and sometimes the excitement isn’t there anymore. It felt more like a burden. Despite my heavy feelings, I was never failed to be reminded and actually be stopped by my own thoughts and say “wait, I actually prayed for these things, asked for people to pray for me, to have more projects, to have good exposure, and now that the Lord is finally blessing me with the fulfilment of my dreams, why don’t I feel good about it?” Most of the time it’s not about how we feel about something. Most of are feelings are not true. It’s tricky. The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure- who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9 I should have been focused more on what the Lord wants me to do. In reality, the Lord is also more concerned about my character than the fulfilment of my dreams. It was a great reminder that He is my source of joy. Not the things around me nor achievements.

The Lord has never failed to convict me whenever I have even the slightest ungratefulness in my heart but recently it has become more vivid. I remembered it was 2016, when my stylist friend pitched an editorial for Preview and it got approved. She requested me to be the photographer for the shoot but the team told her to get their usual photographer, just to be sure. After months, she pitched another editorial and included me in her team, that time, they didn’t refuse, so I was so happy and could not believe it. It has been my dream to work for Preview since I basically grew up buying the magazine and using it as inspiration. Just to have my works published there was just surreal. I actually thought it might also be the last or at least maybe it is just a yearly thing. In 2017 of August, Danae, my stylist friend, presented another idea for an editorial, got approved and got me again as a photographer. I was so nervous as it was my first time to work with Vince Uy. We finished 10 layouts for less than 2 hours, I was amazed by the skill everyone in the shoot then my shoots for Preview became more frequent till they asked me to do a cover print shoot for March Issue this year

which was also my last print shoot for them since after 2 more issues, they went on full digital. Still amazed by the work of the Lord for letting me experience it and actually fulfilling my dream. I DIDN’T DESERVE IT. 

Just last night, I was talking with Danae about how we adore the Preview team basically because of their skill and work ethic. We reminisced our first editorial together and how we are now frequent to work with each other even when it was the publication who decides about the team. Then I reminded her of her first pitch when I wasn’t accepted as the photographer. Turns out, the Preview team remembered that one shoot I had with them in 2014, it was a shoot for a feature where I got so many revisions for the treatment. They simply didn’t like it and I honestly thought I’ll never get to work for Preview again. It was the reason why I didn’t get to work with them in Danae’s first pitch. I was shocked that they actually remembered that but was in awe of how the Lord can turn things and could make everything beautiful in its own time. “And we know that God works all things together for the good of these who love Him, who are called according to His purpose” Romans 8:28. It also made me realise that the waiting time was also part of the process for me to develop my craft. In awe of the Lord’s sovereignty and how He orchestrated everything that it fell into place.

It was all the Lord’s doing and timing, that I got to work again with them, that I landed a cover shoot and that I am doing what I’m doing now. All the open opportunities, favour for every shoot, the strength, wisdom all came from the Lord. He can take it when He wants to, that’s how powerful He is. I couldn’t help but feel ashamed after realising these things last night. I didn’t have to find rest or fun in other things if I want to relax, I can find it in Him. I was also reminded to give my best “Whatever you do, work with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters” Col 3:23 and be joyful especially when opportunities are presented as an act of worship for the Lord. “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thes 5:16-18

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