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Fuck.

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Former Porn Actress Jan Meza interviewed on JMC Live [an excerpt] (starting point, est. 9 minutes, 43 seconds) [To get through porn performing and prostituting] I put my subconscious on a shelf. I just didn’t even think about it. That was the only way to get through it, [it] was pure survival mode. … . It was just something that was innate, it was in my nature to survive no matter what, and to provide for my children no matter what. I didn’t want to become a victim of The State, I didn’t want to end up in a homeless shelter. I didn’t want to experience those things that I had experienced as a child. And I was willing to do anything and everything, obviously, to make sure that that didn’t happen. … My journey into the porn industry was justified by my desperation to feed my children, that was the bottom line, I was desperate. When I got into the porn industry I had no idea of the type of monster I was about to enter into. There was no formal education about the industry. There was no Free Speech Coalition there to protect me, protect my rights, and explain the porn industry and how it works. The Adult Medical, AIM as it was, was a complete joke. I mean, they gave me such a false sense of security as to what I was going to be tested for and what I was going to be exposed to that I just really had no clue. And I am an intelligent woman. I’m not going to say that I was totally naïve. Yeah, I knew that I was going to be selling my body for money on film but I had no idea about the different amounts of abuse(s) that goes on behind the scene(s). I didn’t know about the emotional, and mental, and physical abuse that went on behind the scene(s). I got into the porn industry and it was crazy. I had to constantly be this character. This demonic Elizabeth Rollings. I lost sight of Jan Meza, I lost sight of who she really was. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I wasn’t a good parent, I wasn’t a good mother in the form of being there for my kids even though I justified what I was doing in order to take care of them. I was constantly driving from Las Vegas to California in order to do films and sometimes I would fly to New York and other states. Basically wherever the money was is where I went. And I just lost track of days and times, and started going into parties and then you have to spend all the money that you get on living up to this persona that everybody thinks you’re supposed to be; this glamorous lifestyle that doesn’t exist. Porn is not glamorous. It’s not some great fantasy lifestyle that you’re living. It’s hell, it’s hell on Earth. Producers started using me, they wanted me to have sex with them …, the agents wanted me to have sex with them …, it was all just a big game to them. They didn’t care [about] the destruction that they were reeking in your life. They didn’t care what you went through personally, as long as they made a dollar off of you, that was all they cared about. Their bottom line was that you were bringing them in money and the minute that you started giving them a hard time about that, or standing up for your rights, or saying, ‘But, isn’t this the way that you should be treating me?’, you’re out, you were blacklisted and you were never going to be able to work again. And to any girl who’s desperate for money, especially if she’s a single mom, you’re going to want to keep making those paychecks. And so, it just came to a point where I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was numb. I was void. I was tired. I didn’t know if I was Elizabeth Rollings or Jan Meza, from one day to the next and so I just started drinking, and smoking pot, taking painkillers. … It’s not like drugs and alcohol are ever hard to come by [in the porn industry]. [Porn] producers and agents always have it ready on the set. As soon as I got there, ‘Oh, do you need something to drink?’, ‘Do you need some bud?’, ‘What do you need? What do you need to relax?’. And they also use that as a tool to get more scenes out of the girl(s). A lot of the time they [porn producers] tell you that you’re going to go to the scene to do just, like, a simple boy-girl. You get there and it’s some kind of hardcore, anal, gang-bang. And if you don’t do it, guess what? You’re not going to get paid. So any girl who wants that money, again, she’s going to do what they’re telling her to. … They want to keep their abuses secretive. People only see that 30 to 40 minute finished product. They don’t see the 3 to 4 hours that goes on behind the scenes and what these girls are physically and mentally and emotionally having to go through, and sometimes the men too, in order to make this money. … I have never once, in my entire time in the [porn] industry, had an orgasm. It’s all fake. There’s scenes that they call squirter scenes, it’s just so, um, - fake, in the industry, I mean, that’s all the industry is. It’s a fake, made-up, lie in order to make money. People do not care, people in the porn industry: the producers, the agents, the companies, they do not care about human value. They don’t care about the pornstars, they don’t care about the porn actors, they don’t care about the porn addict. All they care about is that you’re making them money. They don’t care [about] what porn does to a person’s life. There were so many times where I was in pain and the producer would actually just stop the scene and say, ‘Okay, look. We don’t need you to show that you’re in pain. We need you to make it more believable. We need you to make it so that people know you’re enjoying yourself. So, instead of saying ‘Ow’ or stopping the scene, just moan harder, just moan louder.’ And any kind of safeword that anybody thinks you can use in the porn industry is a total lie too. There is no safewords [in porn], they will just keep rolling* (i.e: filming*), they don’t care how much pain you’re in. They don’t care if they split you. They don’t care if they cut you, if they bruise you. They don’t care what happens to you. You’re nothing but a product to them. And they’re going to just keep using that product until it’s no good anymore. … [In the porn industry] You’re a slave. There’s no way to sugarcoat it. There’s no easier way of saying it. You’re nothing more than a slave. Everybody has a price on their head, some people get paid more, some people get paid less. You’re not a person, you have no real name. You’re just an object, you’re just that point of fantasy that people can relate to but it’s not real. These porn addicts don’t understand what these people are going through and they don’t care because all they care about is what they see and believe on camera to be real, and it’s far from the truth. … What started as [my] breaking point was the gang-bang scene that I did. I did a 25-guy gang-bang scene, and people right away would be like, ‘Oh my god, holy crap! I would never allow myself to be put through that.’ But I was so far gone already into alcohol and drugs and wanting to numb out and void myself of the lifestyle that I was living, the job that I had because, I mean, it is a job. When the agent and producer came to me, approached me, about the movie they basically played it off as like, ‘Look, you’re going to get $4,000 to do the scene. We’re going to pay you this money, but you’re not going to actually have to sleep with all 25 guys.’ And then the preparation that I actually had to go through for this scene; I didn’t know what to expect because I had never before done anything like that, especially not in my private life even though I was married before. [In preparation for the gang-bang scene] I had to cleanse my body. So basically I just kept taking colon cleansers. I didn’t eat, I just kept drinking alcohol. I just wanted to numb myself completely. I got completely high. And what’s so funny about the porn industry is that they will film you and they will ask you if you are well aware of what you’re about to participate in, and every single person, of course, is going to say ‘Yes.’ But I guarantee you, at least 90% of those people that say ‘Yes’ are high, or doped up on something, or have been drinking, or have no idea where they’re even at that day. When I got there [for filming] the producer basically told me, ‘Well, I know I said you weren’t going to have to sleep with these guys, but we’re just going to make it look good.’ And they just kept saying that, ‘We’re going to make it look good.’ He told the guys to, ‘You’re going to respect her,’ and all this other stuff, ‘When she says stop, just stop.’ But nobody did. … After the scene is done and I’ve just slept with 25 guys, and I’ve been hit, I’ve been punched, I’ve been slapped around, my hair is crazy, and I am miserable, I am in pain even being high. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. All these guys are coming up to me saying, can they take their picture with me. And I’m like, okay, wait a minute: So here I am laying in body fluids, covered from head-to-toe, and these guys are coming up to me, these so-called professionals who have been in the industry for so long are coming up to me and asking me for my picture and I’m like, ‘Why?’ Well, I come to find out, after the scene, that these guys, most of them, weren’t actually people who had worked in the industry, they weren’t employees. They were people who had been answering an ad to come and sleep with their favorite pornstar, and I was devastated. I mean, devastated isn’t even the right word. I was petrified because I’m thinking, oh-my-god, what did I just get? That was my first thought, ‘Did I just get AIDS?’, ‘What did I just open myself up to?’ because I trusted this agent and this porn company to do their jobs and to protect me like they said they were going to. Who knows, I mean, that’s probably the day that I did get herpes, but thank God it wasn’t something worse. And that was the breaking point for me. I couldn’t go to the bathroom right after that for like, two weeks. I couldn’t even walk right. I didn’t even want to get out of bed for the next couple of days. I didn’t want to move. I was just sick to my stomach of what just had happened. (excerpt ending point, est. 24 minutes, 8 seconds)

Ex-Porn Actress Jan Meza interview[ed] on JMC Live.

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This is precious. lol.

look , i literally can’t stress how cute this deleted parks and rec scene is.

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This is an example of how it's so easy for me to love you, Mark Ruffalo. I wish we were friends. Haha.

Stephen Merchant, Mark Ruffalo, Higgins and Tariq help Jimmy debut a brand new game called Musical Beers!

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Solidarity, on a global scale.

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Estranged

estranged adj. Def. - (of a person) no longer close or affectionate to someone; alienated.

A familiar word to me, in a sense of the literary archetype. A person in a book, movie, tv show... separate from the people you knew. But also vastly unfamiliar, in the sense of having no real idea what it looks like, what it feels like. 

I have an estranged sister. Or rather, I'm estranged to her, is more accurate, as per that definition.  It's still very foreign to me. A concept a can't quite wrap my head around. A word that feels awkward in my mouth, that I imagine never rolling off my tongue, and that has yet to leave my lips. I can't say it out loud. I'm in that stage of verbal denial. I can't say it. Saying things is what makes them true. That's how it works for me, a lot of the time. And once you put it out into the universe like that, you can't take it back. I'm not ready for that. So I've kept it safe here in my head, where I'm the only one who knows. That way I can still be wrong. And it won't be real. 

We're going on two years now, of being totally on the outside of one another's lives. I'm living this paradox of, "it feels like it's been forever" and, "it's still a new thing." 

I used to know her so well. So very well in fact, that it would annoy her. She couldn't lie to me. "How do you do that?" she would ask. I don't know. I just knew her. But now I don't. At all. She's like a stranger. A new, different person. I can't pretend to understand how her mind works, or what runs through it. I don't know if what she feel towards me is pure, unadulterated, burning hatred --like I often imagine it to be-- or, perhaps, an even colder indifference.  And I don't know what would be worse.

What I do know, is how much it hurts. How it intensely, persistently, and deeply hurts. My brother tried to talk to me about it today, and the effort it took to fight back the tears was incredible. To steady my voice before I spoke, to choke back sobs, avoid his eyes... It reminded me how much it still hurts. How hard, and how actively I try not to think about it, or her, on a day-to-day basis. How much time I spend distracting myself, or locking those thoughts and feelings away. How I distance and erase her from my life, to make things easier, after she shut me out of hers.

I still try to be mad sometimes. Tell myself that she's being cruel doing what she's doing. That I don't deserve to be treated this way. That I'm better off without whatever type of person it is that she's become. And it works sometimes. But more often than I'd like, I figure I do deserve it. That maybe I was horrible, and evil, and even more cruel, and so she just gave up one day and that's why she stopped talking to me. That she had had enough. That it was the last straw. And that's why she took away my sister. My best friend. The only person who really got me.  But it's not true. I was never so mean that I deserved being cut out of her life. Yes. I could be awful to her. And I was. More than I can bear to think sometimes. I was sister-mean. Growing up, I made fun of her, made her do stuff for me, hurt her (physically AND emotionally)... but through all of that; the teasing, the tear-downs, the fights, the yelling, the scuffles, the blackmail... there was never anything bad enough to merit this hell. Now, I'm not making excuses. I'm not justifying myself or writing off wronging her. I could have been a better sister. I should have. There are so many things I've needed to say to her. So many times I wanted to apologize. So many things I've learned as an adult that I'd do differently. But I never got to make amends.  I should have been the one building her up instead of tearing her down. I know that now. While I'm not excusing immaturity, sibling rivalry, or the average shortcomings of sisterhood, I need to acknowledge that she did just as much of the typical in contributing to those head-butting situations as I. Granted, I'm older. I should have been better than that.  I also need to remind the world that there were just as many great, beautiful, and loving things in our history, if not more, than the negative. That's why we were best friends. She was loved as a sister, daughter, and friend. She was all those things and more to me. 

Why did that have to go away? 

I don't think I'll ever understand why this happened. And if-- big IF-- we ever become sisters again, (which seems less and less likely with the passing of time), I wonder if we can go back to that closeness. I don't really think we can.  We're your favorite broken mug that got smashed to pieces after it was knocked off the counter one day. You painstakingly tried to glue it back together, but it was never quite the same. There were so many tiny little shards lost, that it can never do what it did before. You tried. You filled it up with a hot beverage of choice, but it couldn't hold it all in. And you really wanted it to work. Wanted everything to be okay. But it still leaked. So that's it. You keep it up on a shelf with other broken things, and you think of it fondly, and it's nice to look at, from a distance. But it's not the same. And there isn't anything out there like it. You can't replace it, because it was so rare. So now you just remember how it used to be. And I think that's us. If we ever even get to a place of reconciliation.

But I don't think I'll ever stop missing her.

I don't know what the future holds. Or if or when things will change. So I guess I should get used to saying it. "Do you have any siblings?"        "Yeah, 3." "Cool. Older/younger? Brothers/sisters?"        "Brother and two sisters. All younger." "Ah, so you're the oldest. You guys close?"        "...We used to be. I'm really close to the youngest one, my baby sister. And my brother and I are pretty good. We were close, and then not so much for a little while, but it's getting better again. And my other sister... we used to be really close. But we don't talk anymore. She's... estranged."

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Red hair, green clothes, you must love adventure!

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Body comparisons. 

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Don’t chase people. If they want to leave, let them leave. Don’t open the door for them. Don’t even look at them. Indifference is always the best.

-my life quote (via suspend)

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:)

Xx

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Landscapes, 2014 | by Anthony Samaniego

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Verses on different subjects → (3 / 5)

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