clarasfeelings - Tumblr blog

[clarasfeelings]

at work and i was unbearably sleepy. like literally napping at the desk. so i thought getting something to eat would help wake me up. went into the kitchen and grabbed a can of chef boyardee spaghetti and meatballs, which is something i used to eat at work pretty often. 500 CALORIES FOR THAT CAN!!! 

i ended up making some oatmeal and having a small chocolate chip cookie instead, all for about 210 calories. and it was much more satisfying and i feel so much better about that decision

but the fact that i used to eat that can of spaghetti, and OTHER foods throughout my shift, without even thinking about the calorie content is crazy

[clarasfeelings]

i don’t know if i’ve mentioned this here but one thing that’s really helping to suppress my appetite is vaping nicotine. i started buying the disposable vapes and i puff on that between meals. satisfies that hand-to-mouth movement that food gives me, and the nicotine is genuinely and appetite suppressant. and hey, something i’m doing is working because today i weighed in at 233, which means i’m already down 14 pounds since the beginning of january. 

another non-scale victory today: i had training for the concern hotline from 9am to 4pm. lunch was provided and i was really nervous about eating something i couldn’t log the calories of. i couldn’t decide if i was just going to eat the whole meal and not worry about the calories, or claim i wasn’t hungry and take the meal home with me so i could measure the different parts of it and get a more accurate idea of how many calories there were. we were served shredded chicken on a hamburger bun, a big chocolate chip cookie, and some potato chips. i ate the chicken out of the sandwich, and only half of the bun. i ate about 2/3 of the cookie, and only 1/3 of the chips. so even though i don’t know how many calories i ate, i do know i didn’t go overboard so i don’t have to feel bad. AND i didn’t look like a weirdo for refusing to eat

here’s something i’m less proud of though: i tried to throw it all up. as soon as i finished eating, i went to bathroom. it was empty, so i tried to make myself purge. tried 3o r 4 times but each time all that came up was some spit. i knew i couldn’t spend much more time trying because i didn’t want someone to come in and hear me, but i know that if i had had more time, i would have gotten the meal up. i don’t know how i feel about that.

[clarasfeelings]

sitting here realizing that the fall 2020 semester should be my last semester of my undergrad..... if i’m looking at my credits so far, i should be getting my degree by end of the year.

it feels unbelievable. i remember when i dropped out of community college at the age of 20, i really thought i would never go back to school, let alone be considering grad school and a master’s degree. i’m just taking this moment to feel proud of myself for this thing because i deserve that. 

it hasn’t been easy, and i’ve had to accept more financial help that i’d like to admit, but holy shit, i’m doing it. 

[clarasfeelings]

so i’ve been using a website where a lot of ppl with similar weight loss goals to mine tend to gather. there are forums with advice and places to vent and talk about progress. i really like having that space, so i’ve been spending a lot of time there.

there was one thread specifically that i can’t stop thinking about. the title was like “toxic ED thoughts you have” where ppl just post their most brutally honest thoughts that apparently stem from their ED. things like “whenever someone over the BMI of 18.5 says something like ‘eating this much/only this food until i reach this weight’ i laugh because i know they ALWAYS fail miserably in a matter of days. and i even enjoy seeing it happen at times” and “so you would think i would be kind and accepting of fat people. WRONG. i hate them. i think awful, cruel thoughts when i see them. i make fun of their wobbly faces as they stuff them, i make fun of their thick disgusting ankles that should probably break under all that pressure. i was my hands if i touch them”

it was tough to read, but it just completely confirmed every anxiety and fear i have around skinny people. they DO think i’m ugly and disgusting. they think they’re better than me. they think i will forever be fat. and i know they are cruel and mean for thinking those things, but i agree with them. i kind of hate fat people too. i hate the body positivity movement because it’s made me comfortable in my obesity. i hate fat people that complain about being fat, but do nothing to fix it. no wonder i have such a strong self-hatred sometimes. i am everything i hate.

the most painful part of reading those posts, though, is that some of those very same people were also commenting on my posts and statuses offering support and kind words. so cruel but so fake about it. i know they see my stats and are rooting for my downfall. whatever. i can prove them wrong. 

[clarasfeelings]

today i’m feeling extremely tired, and i know it’s due both to having only gotten about 3 hours of sleep and not having eaten enough food. i keep falling asleep at work. i’ve drank two cups of coffee since the start of my shift 7 hours ago. i could make another cup, but another cup of black coffee just doesn’t sound appetizing

after work, i have to go to the grocery store and get a few things. we’re supposed to get a lot of snow so i’m expecting to be snowed in come sunday night, which is why i won't be working that night. i’m getting the ingredients to make weight loss cabbage soup. my mom used to make it when i was a teen. she would tell me that since it was so low-calorie, i could eat as much of it as i wanted and it wouldn’t make me gain weight. now, i know that’s not true any more. a cup of the cabbage soup is about 57cal, which is very low, but eating enough of it would still count as a binge. even still, i think that i’ll be able to eat my fill of it without feeling too guilty afterwards 

i havent made up my mind yet whether or not i will eat something when i get home from work. on one hand, the thought of going to sleep on a completely empty stomach would probably feel so satisfying. on the other hand, i’m so hungry lol i will probably end up eating something extremely light 

[clarasfeelings]

i am catching myself getting impatient with results. feeling like if i’m doing so well i should be able to SEE some results by now. which i know isn’t true. obviously it’s going to take time. i have like, 100lbs to lose. it’s going to take some time.

when i think about the overall big goal, though, it feels impossible. so for now, my first goal is still 220lbs, and then from there, 200lbs. and i’ll keep going like that. that way, i am hitting goals more frequently 

i do feel like maybe my face is slightly slimmer. only slightly. maybe i’m just not as bloated or puffy as usual. idk i could be imagining it

[clarasfeelings]

ok first goal and reward: when i get down to 220 pounds, i will buy myself something nice. i haven’t decided what yet... i don’t want to buy a piece of clothing because HOPEFULLY i will continue to lose weight and drop more sizes. i’m thinking maybe a nice purse or a pair of shoes. oooh, maybe a new pair of prescription glasses. or some contacts lol just something to reward myself for staying motivated and to encourage me to keep going.

[clarasfeelings]

so update: the indian food was fucking delicious, omgggg. i didn’t eat anything else all day, so that’s good. honestly, it’s hard to say but i probably ate less than 1500 calories which is pretty good. obviously i’d like to eat less than that, but there will be days like that

i’m making some banana bread right now, mainly because my bananas were about to go bad and i wanna take some to my co-worker. i’m not going to eat any, though, and if i do, it will be on a day that i haven’t eaten anything else. 60g of banana bread is almost 200 calories, so it’s pretty dense.

[clarasfeelings]

im down to 237 :) that’s 10 pounds!! i’ve been doing so well, only eating once a day and typically staying below 500 cal a day. today is going to be a lil high though bc louis and i are trying indian food for the first time. im going to get some butter chicken, which is apparently about 400-500 cals a serving, and some garlic naan. im not going to worry about it too much bc im not eating anything else today so it should be ok. and tomorrow i’ll go back to eating very minimally 

[clarasfeelings]

i just took some future before pics and im pretty disgusted lmao my body proportions are so fucked up. i don’t even look human. but i’m trying not to let it get to me too much because i know these are BEFORE pics and in a few months i’ll be able to see some progress. i’m already making progress so fast, and it’s helping keep me motivated. just gotta keep it up

[clarasfeelings]

so im trying to take this shift at work tonight that they needed coverage for, but no one is getting back to me lol i figured it would be a good way to stay busy until louis gets home to keep me accidentally snacking all night

but if not, i guess it’s a good challenge for my self-discipline. right now i dont feel the need to snack, so maybe it’ll be ok.

[clarasfeelings]

made louis a HUGE breakfast this morning and i hardly ate any of it, which is an accomplishment for me lol lets see... im trying to remember everything i DID eat tho. while i was cooking, i took a pack of tuna and mixed it with a low cal cilantro avocado dressing, so that was about 115 calories. i also snacked on pickles, which are super low cal so i’m going guess like.... 90 calories idk. a bite of bacon. a few bites of louis’s pancakes. we’ll say about 150 calories for those. and then half a bowl of egg drop soup, which is about 130 calories. so in total, 485 calories, but im gonna round up to 550, maybe even 600 just to be safe. those pancakes had syrup and butter on them, so even though i only had a couple bites, they were probably more calorie dense then i expected

so 600 calories for the day is not bad. today will be hard, though, because louis works and i don’t so i’ll be home alone. and it’s sometimes hard for me to keep myself from eating when im alone and bored but i’m gonna do it. i’ll probably play some beat saber on my oculus to get a little exercise. it’s not a super effective work out, but it’s definitely better than sitting around snacking all day 

[clarasfeelings]

doing pretty well today. i dont feel hungry, even though the last meal i ate was at 7AM and it’s now past midnight. i did have a bite of that treat my co-worker baked me around 5PM though, right before i left for work. it’s got chocolate and walnuts and coconut and some kind of crust. it’s pretty sweet and dense, but i don’t think one bit is too terrible.

i also had 4 shots of espresso with some stevia (0 calories sweetener) and a splash of whole milk. so it’s not like i’m running on fumes or anything. i feel pretty good. i still have 7 more hours left of work so i might make myself a cup of coffee here soon to help keep me awake. 

[clarasfeelings]

ok so i had egg drop soup, which is about 130 calories. i added some crispy wonton strips, which adds about 60 calories. so that’s 190 calories, but i’m going to round up to 300 just to be safe. i also had two bites of the baked treat my co worker gave me. no idea how many calories that could be, so i’m adding an extra 100 just to be safe. so 400 calories for the day. 

i wanted to eat that whole treat so badly. my emotions are getting the better of me. i think louis is just sad too, but his sad is so much more reserved than mine so i always end up taking it personal. whatever. i still made him a really good looking BLT. crazy how much i can love someone even when im not feeling loved by them

another thing: louis mentioned i might need to take a semester off of school. at first, i was so fucking sad. my mind went to the worst case scenario and i pictured myself taking the semester off, then the next semester, and the next one, and just never going back. but i know that doesn’t have to be the case. 

louis has been helping me financially a LOT since i started school, and he’s never made me feel bad about it. but i know it must be taking a toll on him. and honestly, i’ve been feeling so burnt out. i think a semester off from school could be really good for me. i could start setting money aside to pay for the next coming semester so it’s not such a burden all at once, and louis would be able to leave amazon to find a job that doesn’t make him so miserable without worrying that we won’t have enough money for all of our bills

and i think louis and i could really use some time to get back to each other. i know i love this guy, but when we’re both so busy and tired 90% of the time, we definitely don’t make enough time for each other. so maybe a semester off would be a good idea. it feels like a relief to even consider it

not to mention.... would be so cool to go back to school after having lost a bunch of weight. according to this weight loss calculator i found online, if i eat less than about 1600 calories a day until august, i could lose at LEAST 50 pounds. probably more. i think that would be a noticeable amount of weight. 

anyway. feeling a little better. feeling hopeful 

[clarasfeelings]

it’s been 23 hours since ive eaten, ill make it to 24. maybe I’ll wait a little longer though because right now im pretty sad and it feels like the only person i have in the world hates me so im afraid if i eat i will not be able to stop until i hate me, too. so maybe if i can just wait for this feeling to pass ill be ok

i once fasted for 5 days. i remember it was too easy. wish i still had that self control. i felt so strong for being able to wait that long.

i think louis would usually notice if i hadn’t eaten but today he is pretending i don’t exist so maybe it works out in my favor.

i wish he could talk about his feelings. i think he would feel better. i feel a little bit after only having written this. it’s a small release but it’s better than nothing

my coworker brought me a treat that she baked, and for a second i thought about gobbling the whole thing up. i haven’t yet though. now im imagining only taking a small bite of it each day and seeing how long i can make it last.

this is so scattered, ill stop now

[clarasfeelings]

existing on the internet as a fat person is exhausting. i know i shouldn't take any of it personally but its gotten so old. its the same lines, the same timing. its dehumanizing. i dont even want to describe anything that’s just happened. because it’s all so trivial and fucking stupid. why are people intentionally cruel. how do you get so many people to agree to be cruel together

maybe i should just use it as more motivation. if i fast correctly, one day i won't be fat and they’ll have to find another insult. or maybe they’ll just leave me alone entirely

i don’t know why im writing this. 

[clarasfeelings]

OK SO!

it’s currently 2:58am on 1/3/22. i haven’t eaten since about 8:00am on 1/2/22. i’m not gonna eat again until about 8:00am when i get home from work today. that way i’ll have gone a full 24 hours without eating. and then when i do eat, i’m planning on just making a quick egg drop soup (super low-calorie but so good) and having some of the leftover chicken louis made (not as low-cal but tasty and filling) and then HOPEFULLY fast again until 8:00am the next day. i think only allowing myself to eat in that time period will help me not to binge. plus i’ll ultimately eat less, even if i do end up eating a large meal during that time every now and then. idk we’ll see how it goes

it was a REALLY emotional night at work tonight. honestly i thought about breaking my fast but i realized i only wanted to eat my emotions. instead, i’ll keep it together until i get home and process my feelings then. with louis there, i’ll be much less likely to binge