clare-without-an-i

[clare-without-an-i]

The Ultimate Break-Up Checklist

The best thing about a break-up is that no one can tell how long the road to recovery may be.  Irrational behaviour, junk food binges and mood swings are easily explained away when suffering from a broken heart.   I am currently in the wake of what can only be described as a catastrophic break-up (He proposed, I quit my job and moved to the other side of the world for him, only to discover he had been cheating on me - with numerous women - for the duration of our relationship).

Whilst I know I have had a lucky escape, it doesn’t stop me missing him or wanting back the man I thought I knew (this is the epitome of pathetic).  I’ve realised that next to wallowing, allowing yourself to become amused by the terribleness of your situation is the only way to see the light at the end of a very dark tunnel.  

So sit up, read on and take heart, that your current situation is extremely movie-like in its drama and like all good chic-flicks, everything in the end, is going to be alright.  

1)   First of all, run for the hills.  If ways and means allow I mean literally run.  Stuff your clothes into a suitcase, book the next plane out of the country and just go.  If you have access to his credit card, then book your departure flight on him, upgrading yourself to first class. If you’re going to cry for 28 hours from Switzerland back to Australia, then you may as well do it in style.  

2)   Cry, sleep, cry and sleep some more.  For the first week this is the only activity I would recommend.  Maybe a shower in there to ward off the pong, and a hug from your family and friends, but if you can, call in ‘dead’ to work and just let the grief engulf you.

 3)  Have a burning of his items or anything he may have given you over the course of your relationship.  Whilst you are in the cleansing faze go all out.  Delete every lovely email, every photo, message, FB comment, every nice WhatsApp…get rid of it all.   If you haven’t already, block him from all social media.   Deleting all is the only way to pretend he doesn’t exist.  

4)  Before you delete him, stalk your replacement on social media.   Seeing the woman, he thinks is worth breaking your heart for will probably make you feel better.  Hopefully she will be about 10 years your senior and even though she is a yoga instructor in California (how unoriginal), she has enough Botox to make a saucepan look interesting, is not attractive and weighs at least 10kg more than you.   Yes, this is all very superficial, but it’s nice to know that he cheated because he could, not because she is better than you or can ever come close to your brilliance.  Once a sufficient stalking session is complete, block her from your life too. 

5)  Watch sad movies. It is far better to wallow in someone else’s grief than your own.

6)  Don’t eat.  The broken heart diet is one of the most effective out there – just not very well advertised.  Take advantage of your lack of appetite and watch the kilos melt away, gym and green juice free.  

7)  Cut your hair. Nothing says “I hate you and I’m moving on with my life” more than a dramatic haircut.

8)  Listen to inspiring break-up songs. (‘You’re So Vain’ comes to mind).

9)  Write a list of the things you dislike about him and hopefully it will outweigh his great eyes or the fact that he could build bookshelves or renovate your whole bathroom in one weekend.

10) Plan jealousy inducing schemes.

11) Self-Medicate.  A little whiskey never hurt anyone and a-Valium-in-time-saves-nine.  Pour a shot of single malt into that midnight tea and if sleep still evades, pop a pill.

12) Do NOT start a new hobby.  In your current state of emotional turmoil who knows what sporting equipment you may purchase. I’m speaking from experience when I say you will be left with a mountain bike you don’t want, or a pile of piano music that can only be used as wrapping paper.  Just take pleasure in the comforts of your old life before TDH*… newness will come in its due course.  

13) Exercise.  At some point you will feel well enough to get back in the great outdoors and your body is probably in need of some endorphins.  Forget yoga and leisurely bike rides, what you need is a grilling workout.  Run at speeds that bring you close to a myocardial infarction or swim so hard that you are approached by Olympic scouts (ok, in full disclosure that hasn’t happened yet…), but the aim of the game is to have your body aching entirely from the Marine style work-out rather than your ex’s broken promises.  

14) Vow to be better, bigger, more successful.  Vow to make him notice and regret, regret, regret.

15) Take a trip on your own.  If you had planned a surprise kitesurfing holiday for your ex to the place you met 3 years ago, there is no need to cancel.  Simply keep the booking and go alone.  In fact, use the credit from his ticket to upgrade yourself to business class and you will be laughing all the way to Morocco.

16) Take yourself out for a solo beverage.  Choose a good bar and rock up at about 5pm – this oozes desperation hour. Situate yourself on a stool and order a gin martini with 4 olives.  (You are allowed to eat an olive every 15 minutes and counting down between intervals helps pass the time).  Nothing says ‘I’ve been dumped’ more than crying into a glass of Martin Miller. Relish the pitying glances from the bar tender and customers.  Stare off into space now and then, let your eyes fill with tears before dabbing them away with a freshly ironed white handkerchief (hanky not tissues please – Kleenex look pathetic).

17) Accept collateral damage.   There will be some things you can never get back – like your ski goggles or your favourite café.  Find a different café that you never went to with TDH*, change your coffee preference and buy yourself a new pair of Oakley’s.  I know how hard it can be changing coffee beans and baristas, but after a while you won’t even remember the taste of your old espresso and you can make a new Saturday morning routine with just yourself and the papers, and that my friend, is exactly how it should be.

18) Be the bigger person.  Eventually (as you are an amazing person and made quite an impression at his last company dinner), you may get an email from his CEO asking after you.  Wait a few days and then write back a lovely email glossing over the break up and casting your ex in a favourable light. You will feel wonderful for being the bigger person for the first time in forever, and it’s nice to know that on some very small scale you are missed.

19) Do something for someone else.  Sadly, the day will come when you have to stop being self-indulgent and get on with your life.   Make an apple crumble for that brilliant friend who has selflessly listened to you sob for the past few months and spend the day talking about her for a change.  It’s time to stop being self-indulgent and get back to being cool (or at least trying to be).

20) Know that in the end its his loss because he does not have you in his life.  Know that its ok to still love him, but it’s not ok for him to abuse that love and that’s exactly what he did.  Keep telling yourself you’re alright…Eventually you will be.  After all, living a life Botox free, still having a frown line and complete movement of your eyebrows is something to celebrate.