classymiracleruins-blog

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The hardest part about seeing your parent battling a terminal illness is not death. It is not separation. Rather it is the realisation that they are not themselves anymore. The way they used be so particular about some things. The way they used to switch off the lights before going to bed. The way they prioritised everyone else’s needs before theirs. The way their face would light up when someone joked about something. The way your home looked like a home just with their presence. The way they were always out and about, never resting for a single moment. And slowly everything starts to fade. The illness takes your favourite person away from you. -Haleema

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I recall Allah’s promise as I sit on the prayer mat.

“Verily with hardship comes ease.”

So I ask Allah, maybe it is time for ease. Because even though I know you are the all knower but all I have known is that this is my breaking point. So help me for I might fall. But I suppose it is in the falling that He gives you wings. The same way you are jolted awake after dreaming of falling down from height and you breathe a sigh of relief. I am safe. I am okay. My Lord has saved me. - Haleema Saadia

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I remember when I was 9 years old and I saw a man on tv crying in prostration. So I asked my mother why this man was crying and she said Allah loves it when his servant cries to Him and there’s a higher chance our duas get accepted. And I sat there wondering how does one start crying like that. Fast forward, 15 years later, I understand why someone just starts crying so easily when sitting on the prayer mat. Especially at the end, when you’re done praying and you’re just sitting there. It feel like every single burden lifts off your shoulders as you’re proceeding to prostrate.

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Life after losing a loved one to death is lonely most of the time. Lonely in a way many people wouldn’t understand. After some time, this loneliness starts feeling normal but every now and then, the pangs of grief hit you and remind you that this never was normal for you. And that it was even absurd to start believing that it is normal. Because when you see someone with their mother and you wonder what a dream it is to see your mother smiling or just to have the privilege of resting your head in her lap. And when you see someone with their father, your body freezes for a second and it almost feels like it’s a cold winter night and you don’t have anything to cover yourself up. So it sucks and it is sad and unfair but there really isn’t any other option except to just come to terms with your new normal. - Haleema

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Someone asked me if today was heavier than usual. If I needed to talk to someone about it. Truth is it’s just as normal as all other days. Because I don’t remember if there has been a day when she didn’t cross my mind or if I didn’t think how everything would be had she been with us. 3 years is ample time for someone to move on but I don’t think it works when someone passes away. 1 year post mama’s death, I was emotional, exhausted, overly expressive, helpless, lonely, defensive and heartbroken but 3 years post her death I am calm, collected, content, still heartbroken but it has been a journey that taught me so much of myself especially because I became a mother myself. Loss is not kind. I keep saying if pain could kill, this would be it. - Haleema Saadia

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If grief were a song:

“I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you. Take me back to the night we met.”

By Ben Schneider

I had all:

When the person you love breathes their last, in that moment it is all you will have of them.

And then most of you:

When there is sickness and little is left of what they used to be.

Some and now none of you:

When death has embraced them and it is time to say goodbye.

Take me back to the night we met:

And you wish you could start all over again. To relive each memory you had with them but life had different plans.

- Haleema Saadia

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Grief in other words is also about all the things that could’ve been. All the birthdays that could’ve been celebrated with them by your side. All the meals you could’ve had sitting next to each-other. All the anniversaries you could’ve spent together. It is all the happy endings cut short. Abruptly and without a warning. -Haleema Saadia

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“All I’m saying let’s give love a chance”

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Tere Hawale but not romantically. Tere hawale as your long lost lover. The lover who gave his all. The lover who became the epitome of selflessness. The lover who loved and never looked back. The lover who dreams of you and only you.

Jo bhi hai sab mera, tere hawale krdia

Jism ka har roo-ah, tere hawale krdia

- Haleema Saadia

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This picture is one of those you find in your mom’s photo albums. Of simple, mundane moments.

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Do you ever have a really great day with your girlie’s and come back home smiling to yourself thinking if you had only met them sooner and much frequently life wouldn’t be so sad? Love my girlie’s. - Haleema

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Few days ago, I saw a really famous photographer share the news of her mother’s demise on Instagram. And it took me back to the dreadful day of my mother’s passing. So I thought I’d write her family an open letter.

The sky will be empty and the roads will feel like they’ll always lead you to dead-ends. The hospital you say your last goodbyes in will always remind you of her. When you pass by it, you’ll picture her and how she looked the last time. You will think how did your heart ever hold the capacity to go through this? You will think if pain could kill, this would be it. And you will also think if it gets better. If your life will ever go back to normal. And I will tell you this. The loss of a parent is incomparable to all the other losses in this world. There won’t be a single day, you won’t think of her. Some days it will be a passing thought, other days you will find yourself screaming in a pillow. Some days you won’t have the energy to do anything, other days her remembrance will push you to become the best version of yourself. There will never come a day when it stops hurting but you will heal. You will do both in the process. You will ask God why. And in time you will find your answers. You will feel incredibly lonely but also find her in ways you wouldn’t have imagined. You will see her in the people she loved and they will see her in you. It is agonising and heartbreaking but God has His way to things and you must accept it. May He heal you and give you the patience to deal with such a huge loss. Prayers for you and your family. With love, Haleema.

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Some coincidences in life are incomprehensible. And I’d like to think it is not possible to experience love just once. Because sometimes people cross your path and fill the void in your heart. And even when they leave, the void is still full. It is full because they teach you love. And time is unfaithful but they tell you what love is not. And what love will never be. So you spend a lifetime seeking that love. And never do you find anything close to that. Because

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You can tell a lot about a person by their hands. I thought when I saw my mother in law’s hands. My affiliation with her is not because she is my husband’s mother. It is because she is my mother’s oldest sister. Her hands are soft yet so incredibly strong. Two crooked fingers yet she holds everything together. So many stories to tell and so much to learn from. It is true that when a loved one dies you try to find them in people they once loved. Bits and pieces of them. If i could have even half the wisdom and grace she has, I would believe I have achieved something in life. - Haleema Saadia

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“When nothing feels right, a simple mug of chaye does.” -Haleema Saadia

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Han eid tou eid hoti hai pr jab ghar ka sabse zarori fard kahin bhi na mile tou eid nai hoti. Jab ammi chandraat ko sawaiiyaan na bnati hui nazar aye tou eid nai hoti. Jab dada jee subha sawere eiddi bant’tay huay na dekhai den tou eid nai hoti. Jab abu eid ki namaz k wqt shor na kren der honay pr tou eid nai hoti. Jin gharo may aik wqt pr ronakain lagi hoti thi aaj wo sunsaan hain us aik fard k na-honay pr. Waisay tou ye log yad atay hi hain pr eid wala din kuch ziada udaas kr deta hai. - Haleema Saadia

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Might sound odd but I’m at a point in life where all I yearn for is a good conversation. To be able to sit down and talk about everything. You tell me about your grief and I will tell you about mine. You tell me how unfair this world and its people have been to you and I’ll just listen. I’ll keep listening until the lump in your throat interrupts you and you start crying. I want to listen to you talk about heartbreak, loss, love. Because I cannot fathom how people can go through the most agonising things and still do life. It blows my mind because there was one instant when I had to go somewhere with my father seventh day post my mother’s death and I kept wondering if this Uber driver could tell I lost one parent. - Haleema Saadia