claustrophobic-turtles

[claustrophobic-turtles]

I do feel bad for plants in general. Like, I know they are often as vicious as animals in many ways, just slower. But, I mean, they just show up and they’re like, “I Think I Will Evolve To Eat The Sun And Also Make Oxygen And How Now Is All This.” And, like, everything fucking dies at first (totally not plants fault, btw. okay maybe it was but they didn’t mean to) but then new things evolve. And they’re like, “Fuck it, eating each other suuuucks. Let’s eat the plants which give us life.” And so we start doing that. And plants are all, “Oh Dear No, I Do Not Care At All For Being Eaten. I Will Make Myself Into Poison Sometimes.” But, y'know, stuff kept eating plants anyway so plants, ever the bro, came up with a new idea. “I Have Made A Decision About Being Eaten And You May Eat Me Friends And Here Is An Especially Tasty Bit Packed All Full of Delicious Sugars Which I Have Produced At Great Cost (What They Do Not Know Is That My Seeds Are Within And Shall Be Propagated Near And Far By Their Dung)“ But that’s not good enough for animals, no, not at all. We love the fuck out of some pomegranates but also alliums which are like, “I Have Not Decided To Go In For This Being Eaten Business. I Shall Be Very Foul Tasting And Also A Poison.” But no, sorry, onions, you fucked up. You accidentally wound up with a species that just doesn’t give up or fully comprehend the idea of things tasting “”‘bad’“’ or other concepts like not eating poison. (Sorry, plants, later we turn some of you who are not poison into a poison we consume recreationally. We really enjoy eating poison.)  Legit, alliums are deadly to, like, every other species. And we call them aromatics and throw them in everything. Peppers are the best, though. They completely got on the being eaten train. BUT ONLY BIRDS Peppers are like, “You May Eat Me, Fair Avian, For You Are Sure To Spread Me A Great Distance. But, Mammal, Take HEED. Should You Eat Me Then I Will Burn You Most Terribly.” And we were all about that. “The FUCK, burning? I love pain,” said humans, presumably. “You know, peppers, you and evolution have done a good job at burning us but I am pretty sure we could make your chemical agony even more potent. Come hang with us,” humans added to a very confused pepper just before creating the ghost chili.

[claustrophobic-turtles]

I unno what meme this is, but I’m here for this.

[claustrophobic-turtles]

when the cashier gives u back ur change and ur putting it away but u cant do it fast enough and suddenly theyre holding out ur shopping bag and u have no hands and the coins are dropping to the ground and the bag goes up in flames and the cashier is crying and ur crying and ur wallet is screaming and ur descending into hell

[claustrophobic-turtles]

People have written a lot of touchy-feely pieces on this subject but I thought I’d get right to the heart of the matter

[claustrophobic-turtles]

[claustrophobic-turtles]

SO ENGLISH ISN’T MY MOM’S FIRST LANGUAGE AND TODAY THERE WAS A SLUG ON THE STEPS AND

[claustrophobic-turtles]

Ron:but mom what if i get kidnapped

Molly:trust me they’ll bring you back

[claustrophobic-turtles]

[claustrophobic-turtles]

Person A: I hope you have a good explanation for this.

Person B: I have three actually. You can pick your favorite.

[claustrophobic-turtles]

a relationship isn’t always 50/50. some days a person will struggle. you suck it up and pick up that 80/20 cus they need you. that’s love.

[claustrophobic-turtles]

ok so there’s a game me and my friends play called “don’t get me started” and basically someone gives another person a random topic and they have to go on an angry rant about it and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to us at parties and car rides so I highly recommend playing sometimes with your friends

[claustrophobic-turtles]

Please reblog, this is so important.

[claustrophobic-turtles]

[claustrophobic-turtles]

[claustrophobic-turtles]

[claustrophobic-turtles]

via weheartit

[claustrophobic-turtles]

How my internet addiction started