clearlynotjanus

[clearlynotjanus]

my apologies to ppl who followed me for anything

[clearlynotjanus]

[leans into the mic hesitatingly. a loud screech of feedback is heard as i try to speak]

uhhhh hello? anyone still......here? hard to see the audience past the stage lights, you know how it is.

i haven't thought about this fandom in over a year. while writing my last loceit fic, i got very overwhelmed with how bogged down with terminology & lore & my general wordy writing style that i burned out of finishing the last chapter. at the same time, my partner & i rediscovered another anime...& when our hyperfixation there ended, we got into ffxiv... then bg3... & now dragon age... i've always disliked that about myself. never able to stay in one place long enough to feel like i've left an impact or had done anything interesting.

but i got the kindest comment of my ao3 history the other day on that abandoned loceit fic & i've been ruminating on it since. the person talked about how, despite it not being finished, they still thought about it at least once a month & came back to read it with excitement from time to time. i thought of all the fics i do the same with & compared myself to them... ofc there's a lot to be said about not treating fanfic authors or "fandom famous" people differently than anyone else, because online numbers are fake & all that, but there's an undeniable admiration, i think, we all have for people with "large accounts" or high kudos counts or exceptional artistic talent that we feel we don't compare to. i thought of myself in that lens for a moment, as someone who wrote something impactful enough to leave that lasting of a mark & it made me so happy. i felt fulfilled by it.

writing has always been my one talent, i've always thought it was the only thing i was destined to be good at. my opinion of my writing has hit peaks & valleys in my life of course, we all go through self doubt & ego issues, but at the end of the day, writing has been the one constant about myself. the one thing i've always wanted to challenge myself with, the one thing i could go back to, if nothing else. home.

with the current state of my country (america, unfortunately) i've started to think that my fantasies of writing anything "worth" reading are futile. it seems insignificant in the grand scheme, to create art when the world is ending. i never dreamed about any aspiration in my own lifetime. i've always wanted to leave something behind worth analyzing. worth talking about. worth exploring. sitting in various liberal arts classes in my life, i always daydreamed about one of my stories being the subject matter someday. long after i was dead. it's dismal to think that it might not be my own inability to create something worthy that prevents that daydream from coming into fruition.

every other queer person is rallying. they're brave for it but i can't bring myself to join the movement. not that anything i say or do will be monumental of course, but no one knows how big of a thing is going to come out of this. the little people might be caught up in it too. someday soon, sites like ao3 & tumblr may be gone, or at least inaccessible for americans. & that's terrifying. so i think of the person who left that lovely, inspiring comment on a fic i hadn't thought about in over a year, instead. because even if i never accomplished any of my bigger goals with my writing, i did, at least, leave a little bit of an impact & that has to be enough.

i want to say that i'll finish that fic in honor of all this. it feels right to say that, but with everything going on, i don't know if it would be the truth. i have a commission currently, & i've buried my head in the dragon age sands for now. i want to. i reread the whole fic & my notes from it for the last part & it's good. it's better than i remember it being, & i want to finish it. but as most of you have realized by now, i'm very bad with promises lmao

i do miss this fandom though, everything else aside (asides lmao) i had some good friends here before i burnt out & burned my bridges about it. i'm sorry for that. i hope everyone here has been doing better than me at least

[clearlynotjanus]

It doesn't matter HOW deep into another hyperfixation I'm in. The MOMENT a Sanders Sides video comes out I am utterly reduced to arm flapping brain rot for those stupid little boys

[clearlynotjanus]

i come from the 8tracks generation where you weren't allowed to just dump three and a half twee indie folk/tswift records into a fanmix and call it done. on 8tracks you had 8+ handpicked songs in rigid chronological order and an accompanying mission statement and thesis defence detailing exactly why each one applied to your derek x stiles coffee shop au AND cover/track-list art hodgepodged from stolen pinterest/tumblr aesthetic photography, and all of this was done under constant threat of death because it was the DMCA wild west and the site was in a constant state of gradual collapse.

[clearlynotjanus]

everyone has a ship thats just: theyre perfect. they hate each other. theyre married. they havent spoken in 15 years. they have date nights three times a week. theyre divorced. theyre pining, its unrequited. its requited. theyre starcrossed. theyre meant to be. theyre doomed by the narrative. they love each other. theyve never held hands. they wont stop making out at parties. they cant look each other in the eye

[clearlynotjanus]

“there is no ethical consumption under capitalism” as a justification applies to being forced to buy necessities from evil corporations due to accessibility and price, not your choice to play the new Harry Potter game

[clearlynotjanus]

found this glorious comment under a standup video & knew what i had to do

[clearlynotjanus]

despite my disdain for thomas’ business practices i have purchased the tiny lying man

[clearlynotjanus]

all the drama with how long the sanders sides episodes are taking to come out is really serious & everything but i just like to think about how, in 7 years, when we get the first episode of season 3, thomas will have to put in a time skip or something to account for the fact that he’s literally aged out of the roll

[clearlynotjanus]

Its so upsetting that side photoshoots & blooper videos & literal fucking ads have turned in2 "main content". That if anyone tries to claim Thomas & his crew have not posted shit, the team's response is "hey! We did do sanders sides content! You know, that ad where we talk about our merch/patreon/etc?" Like some sort of "got you".

When you create something, the main content is the thing you created. For example, 'The Good Place' is a show with 4 seasons; each episode is the content. When the NBC released bloopers for each seasons, while that is content, that is not main content for the series. It is additional content. It is unnecessary fun that is unrelated to the original series, because... it doesn't add anything. Bloopers do not add to the story or plot. A lot of times this content doesn't need to exist, but it is fun if it does!

Additional content comes with the main content. We have the series and then fun side things. We should not be counting this content as Thomas & his crew "doing something Sanders Sides related, so you can't say he hasn't done anything."

The thing is, though, we have started to count additional & unnecessary content as main content because we have not fucking gotten a main Sanders Sides episode in almost 3 years (it will be 3 years in May). Bloopers and Tik toks and photos are supposed to come WITH or AFTER the literal content of the series, but all we have been getting is that type of content for THREE YEARS.

If I walk into a Hot Topic and see Monster High Merch, that's not fucking content for the Monster High series. When your favourite Youtuber posts a photo of themself on Instagram that is not their content. If an artist posts WIP drawings to their Twitter that isn't their content. If I am listening to a podcast and at the end of the podcast they give an ad for merch, thats NOT THE CONTENT. THE CONTENT IS THE PODCAST, NOT THE FUCKING ADS? For the love of god, I feel like I am losing my mind.

[clearlynotjanus]

“why has it taken thomas a year to write one script” darling it’s been 3 years since the last main series, non-asides episode

[clearlynotjanus]

my old janus is god post is circulating again. makes me miss writing that bastard

[clearlynotjanus]

my apologies to ppl who followed me for anything

[clearlynotjanus]

i got a new laptop stand & immedaitely started putting my pins on it. did i buy it for this reason? no. am i beyond happy to discover this feature? fuck yeah

[clearlynotjanus]

VIBRATES SO I TRANSCEND THIS EARTHLY PLANE

[clearlynotjanus]

someone contacted me on here for a commissions & now they’re blog’s deleted before i could reply...

[clearlynotjanus]