clearlynotjanus

[clearlynotjanus]

Janus’ expression here is something to be talked about. I feel like “regret” is too strong of a word, just as “sad” has always been too harsh of a judgement for his playlist. I prefer “melancholy,” as @beauty-and-passion said in their playlist analysis. Everything about Janus represents the bittersweet in life. There is no good without bad, no bad without good. He’s a neutral force between the “Light” & “Dark” Sides. Just as the Roman god Janus represents beginnings, endings, & transitioning spaces such as doorways & gates, so does our Janus represent that middle ground.

In the face of this episode’s chaos, he says with grief that everything is just … fine. Of course he knows that nothing is fine. As everyone gives their sly digs at each other, the mural in the background is begging the Sides to stay connected. Work together. Don’t allow yourself to be so separated between good & bad because at the end of the day, there is no such thing.

Janus is Denial; Deceit, & Self Preservation. He fights for whatever Thomas wants that is ultimately good for Thomas. Not in the same hands on & direct way that Logan does, but in his own puppet master, string-pulling way that hides him in the shadows. Declaring that everything is just fine is not malicious, is not evil; Janus is neither. 

Janus is comfort. 

Denial is comforting.

All the distraction in the world sometimes pales in comparison to simply telling yourself that everything is fine, & then forcing yourself to push through until it is.

taglist: @sanderssidesangsttrash​​ @catalinaacosta​​ @whatishappeningrightnow​​ @anxiousbean4404​​ @vexelore​​ @ranboo-but-booran​​ @serpentinesomebody​​ @poptartsaysurloved​​ @robertdownerjr​​ @dangitsbrightinhere​​ @iamuncomffy​​ @sanderdarksides​​ @dragonfander @virgilstarantula​​ @a-rudethude @indubitably-emo @gay-artist-626​​  @edupunkn00b​​ @wouldntyou-liketoknow​​ @awesomerandomgirl1​​ @cosplayhanna​​ @rizzyluke​​ @sevencrashing​​ @all-panic-nodisco​​ @remy-the-lemon-berry​​ @their-royal-fiensishness​

[clearlynotjanus]

Both my Crofters boxes sold but I wanna get rid of my Patreon Janus poster

If anyone's interested here's the ebay link https://www.ebay.com/itm/177354900253

[clearlynotjanus]

Telling you guys I'm gonna go see the Crane Wives in Nov feels like a fandom post because they're Thee moceit band to me

[clearlynotjanus]

does anyone want an opened sanders sides x crofters box

i also have an unopened one with all the jam inside the jars still. though they're definitely expired

[clearlynotjanus]

It's actually so Roman to skip the Janus character. That's fair. I'm just mad

[clearlynotjanus]

HE SKIPPED THE WHOLE THING

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Roman comparing Keith to Janus .... oh honey you have no clue how right you are

[clearlynotjanus]

Roman wanting to join the Hanks is so funny. Someone draw him as a replacement for Hank number six right this second

[clearlynotjanus]

sometimes i say “i think” but actually i know. on account of being the knower.

[clearlynotjanus]

I'm actually so shocked that Thomas didn't voice someone in Date Everything

[clearlynotjanus]

my apologies to ppl who followed me for anything

[clearlynotjanus]

[leans into the mic hesitatingly. a loud screech of feedback is heard as i try to speak]

uhhhh hello? anyone still......here? hard to see the audience past the stage lights, you know how it is.

i haven't thought about this fandom in over a year. while writing my last loceit fic, i got very overwhelmed with how bogged down with terminology & lore & my general wordy writing style that i burned out of finishing the last chapter. at the same time, my partner & i rediscovered another anime...& when our hyperfixation there ended, we got into ffxiv... then bg3... & now dragon age... i've always disliked that about myself. never able to stay in one place long enough to feel like i've left an impact or had done anything interesting.

but i got the kindest comment of my ao3 history the other day on that abandoned loceit fic & i've been ruminating on it since. the person talked about how, despite it not being finished, they still thought about it at least once a month & came back to read it with excitement from time to time. i thought of all the fics i do the same with & compared myself to them... ofc there's a lot to be said about not treating fanfic authors or "fandom famous" people differently than anyone else, because online numbers are fake & all that, but there's an undeniable admiration, i think, we all have for people with "large accounts" or high kudos counts or exceptional artistic talent that we feel we don't compare to. i thought of myself in that lens for a moment, as someone who wrote something impactful enough to leave that lasting of a mark & it made me so happy. i felt fulfilled by it.

writing has always been my one talent, i've always thought it was the only thing i was destined to be good at. my opinion of my writing has hit peaks & valleys in my life of course, we all go through self doubt & ego issues, but at the end of the day, writing has been the one constant about myself. the one thing i've always wanted to challenge myself with, the one thing i could go back to, if nothing else. home.

with the current state of my country (america, unfortunately) i've started to think that my fantasies of writing anything "worth" reading are futile. it seems insignificant in the grand scheme, to create art when the world is ending. i never dreamed about any aspiration in my own lifetime. i've always wanted to leave something behind worth analyzing. worth talking about. worth exploring. sitting in various liberal arts classes in my life, i always daydreamed about one of my stories being the subject matter someday. long after i was dead. it's dismal to think that it might not be my own inability to create something worthy that prevents that daydream from coming into fruition.

every other queer person is rallying. they're brave for it but i can't bring myself to join the movement. not that anything i say or do will be monumental of course, but no one knows how big of a thing is going to come out of this. the little people might be caught up in it too. someday soon, sites like ao3 & tumblr may be gone, or at least inaccessible for americans. & that's terrifying. so i think of the person who left that lovely, inspiring comment on a fic i hadn't thought about in over a year, instead. because even if i never accomplished any of my bigger goals with my writing, i did, at least, leave a little bit of an impact & that has to be enough.

i want to say that i'll finish that fic in honor of all this. it feels right to say that, but with everything going on, i don't know if it would be the truth. i have a commission currently, & i've buried my head in the dragon age sands for now. i want to. i reread the whole fic & my notes from it for the last part & it's good. it's better than i remember it being, & i want to finish it. but as most of you have realized by now, i'm very bad with promises lmao

i do miss this fandom though, everything else aside (asides lmao) i had some good friends here before i burnt out & burned my bridges about it. i'm sorry for that. i hope everyone here has been doing better than me at least

[clearlynotjanus]

It doesn't matter HOW deep into another hyperfixation I'm in. The MOMENT a Sanders Sides video comes out I am utterly reduced to arm flapping brain rot for those stupid little boys

[clearlynotjanus]

i come from the 8tracks generation where you weren't allowed to just dump three and a half twee indie folk/tswift records into a fanmix and call it done. on 8tracks you had 8+ handpicked songs in rigid chronological order and an accompanying mission statement and thesis defence detailing exactly why each one applied to your derek x stiles coffee shop au AND cover/track-list art hodgepodged from stolen pinterest/tumblr aesthetic photography, and all of this was done under constant threat of death because it was the DMCA wild west and the site was in a constant state of gradual collapse.

[clearlynotjanus]

everyone has a ship thats just: theyre perfect. they hate each other. theyre married. they havent spoken in 15 years. they have date nights three times a week. theyre divorced. theyre pining, its unrequited. its requited. theyre starcrossed. theyre meant to be. theyre doomed by the narrative. they love each other. theyve never held hands. they wont stop making out at parties. they cant look each other in the eye

[clearlynotjanus]

“there is no ethical consumption under capitalism” as a justification applies to being forced to buy necessities from evil corporations due to accessibility and price, not your choice to play the new Harry Potter game

[clearlynotjanus]

found this glorious comment under a standup video & knew what i had to do