clevermrclandestine

[clevermrclandestine]

Things that piss me off

High-Level Programming Languages: I get it, unless you're willing to code in straight-up binary, some level of abstraction is necessary to program effectively and presentably. But, for fuck's sake, I have a right to know what type of variable I am declaring and what type it will be converted to AND to what degree of precision I would like it to be. I'm talking to you, Python.

People Who Hog The Left Fucking Lane: It is a PASSING lane. It is NOT a "slightly faster than the right lane" lane. Just move over, inbreed.

Planned Obsolescence: Profits over reliability? Bullshit. Fuck you.

Stupid People

Rich People

Proprietary Information: "The compiler and its respective libraries for this micro-controller are available via subscription from www.sometechnologicallyimpedingcompany.com". You hinder progress. Shame there isn't a hell for you to burn in.

A Significant Amount Of Men: Insecure, emotionally (self-)repressed, sensitive to criticism, self-conscious of their inadequacies, ideologically "red-pill"-adjacent, mostly conservative, lack of unique interests, boring, fucking useless, etc...

Bad Parents

Capitalism: Need I explain? I mean, come the fuck on.

White People Who Are Self-Conscious/In Denial About Their Systemic Privilege

People Lacking Self-Awareness

Protestants

The Modern Republican Party

Private Property

People Who Are Afraid To Speak Their Mind

[clevermrclandestine]

LIFE UPDATE 0

Well, it's been a while. Dips in mood do that. My bad.

FAMILY Honestly, haven't seen 'em much. Feels good. The few times I have seen them, though, were great! I saw my mom last week when I did my laundry at her house (she always says "Oh, don't forget to bring ALL of your laundry this time! That includes your bedding."). Thank you, Mom. I appreciate you sharing your resources with the needy. She works from home one day a week which gives us time to catch up. I usually don't have much to update her on (I live a nice, boring life), but I always love to hear how she's been and what she's been up to. All that jazz. Had dinner with my two older sisters and their families including my three nephews as well as my dad and his family. It was a nice time. The service at the restaurant was slow as fuck, though. Exceptionally so, in fact. My thought was, "Wow, they must not have wages high enough to ensure competent, reliable workers. Fuckin' management." Having worked in food service for a significant portion of my life, there is little the staff can do other than their best. Aside from that, it was awesome getting to see my nephews talking and interacting with everyone at the table. To me, kids are useless until they start developing sentience. Then things start to pay off. Oh, Nova (my cat) is doing great! Still shedding like crazy, but I'm still willing to look past that. I got here a cheap toy from a thrift store down the road and that mother fucker doesn't even play with it! Like, come on! I'm really tryin', here. Kidding aside, it's nice having something to take care of. But a potted plant would be a lot easier… we'll see.

JOB SEARCH I am taking my mom's advice and looking for a long-term, chemistry-related job. After all, I went to school for chemistry. Been coming up with a cover letter (my first, actually) for whatever places near me are hiring. So far, I have one that has openings listed. Maybe I should just call the other places and inquire directly. A part of me thinks they would appreciate the effort, but another part thinks they would think I am wasting their time. Either way, I will do whatever I need to… things gotta' change.

MENTAL HEALTH No updates, really. Except that I have been getting "brain zaps" again which is odd given that I haven't missed any doses of Paroxetine. They only occur with lateral eye movements (No idea why. Don't ask me.) on some days. Overall, it isn't much of a concern. It's just interesting. Need a blood draw for a lithium level per request of my psychiatrist. Actually, a PNP: they're cheaper. You get used to needles over time. It hurts to say, but I need to stop ingesting political content. It just stresses me out. Also, some good news: I have been drinking less. A lot less. Now, just kick the nicotine and I'll finally be free… but let's be realistic.

PHYSICAL HEALTH Been running a lot. My version of a lot, anyway: 5 days/wk for >3mi @ ~8.5-9min/mi Was really proud of myself the other day when I went for 5 miles, but, shit, I was exhausted. Gonna have to take a break from running, though; shin splints, such bullshit. I guess my stationary bike should suffice, and if I don't build up my core strength then I will never reach my goal of a comfortable 5mi @ <8.5mi/min. That is why God invented situp benches. I'm kidding. People invented those. They also invented gods, now that I think about it. My diet has been leaner the past few weeks. Thank christ that I am not baking anymore. It's for my own good: I always eat whatever I decide to bake. And yes, it is always sugary, salty, and fucking delicious. So carbs are a no go for me, right now. I'll celebrate with a cheat day once I get below 170lbs… just 5 more pounds, mother fucker.

HOBBIES N' SHIT As the first line in this post suggests, I really haven't done many things I enjoy. Sure, I jot down the random ideas I have throughout the day, reorganize my papers and files, and read about the things I like. But I haven't been doing them consistently. Doing them has taken too much effort the past few weeks. Hell, I'm surprised I've been running as much as I have. I feel proud of it, sure, but… I don't know.

'Til next time.

CMC

[clevermrclandestine]

JUST BITCHIN'

Christ, I need a long-term solution to my substance use.

The wise answer would be something like, "quit all substances and substitute the bad habits with good ones such as working out/running, commit more time to my favorite hobbies (programming, electronics, etc.), and spend more time with my family and friends."

But, let's be realistic. I love the feeling substances bring me. The body-tingling from kratom, the fuzzy/drifting sensation from ethanol, and the instantaneous relief from nicotine.

I may be somewhat smart, but I am not wise. Not with my decision-making, anyway.

The monetary cost of those three is the primary problem I have with using them. I know of the recipes to produce ethanol and I know of how to extract the alkaloids from plant-based material. I know of no way to make/extract nicotine (maybe from tobacco leaves, but, come on), so I may have to find a cheaper nicotine supply.

I am developing more positive habits, however.

I run more frequently than I used to, and am trying to do it every day if for even a mere mile.

My body is not how I want it to look. The image that I have of myself doesn't fit with the image I see in the mirror. Running is fun. I like it.

I have done ZERO programming in weeks; even though I think of the code I would write throughout the day. It's a passion of mine that I NEED to commit more to. Specifically, developing my desktop app Graphs and developing a small programming standard for PIC microcontrollers. The idea of doing that brings me joy and hope. Of course, actually doing it is tedious and involves seemingly endless cycles of trial-and-error, but it's something I feel in my bones that I have to do to feel like I am doing something of value.

CMC

[clevermrclandestine]

OH, POOR ME

I'm feeling doomed from my predispositions.

I have, so far tonight, consumed approximately 15oz of vodka (40% ethanol by volume). Less than the night before, but, still, I have a drinking problem.

The feeling I get from ethanol can only be described as "physical bliss".

I should be going to bed, now.

When I wake and sober up, I will continue this journal entry.

'Til tomorrow.

CMC