cliffheath

[cliffheath]

ultimately, i think people who are “non religious” who engage in religion will ultimately end up religious… like despite whatever is going on with that conclave movie, i think that irreligious people engaging with a form of media that focuses so much on the church and religion will be forced to confront religion and (hopefully) find or re-find God

(based off of a post i saw here on tumblr and the whole conclave movie stuff)

[cliffheath]

[cliffheath]

Alejandra Pizarnik, tr. by Yvette Siegert, "Extracting the Stone of Madness", Extracting the Stone of Madness: Poems 1962 - 1972

[cliffheath]

i’m so emotionally stunted. i feel like it takes me so long to process things and make a change. im always 10 paces behind in maturity. ugh !

[cliffheath]

sometime i forget the influence i have as an older sister. because a lot of the time im a pushover. im also lazy and have a low drive for ambition. i like to accompany the journey, not necessarily plan it. however, when my sister and i were talking about a topic i dont necessarily care about or think about, she told me she wanted my opinion. she wanted to hear what i had to say. i think this week especially, when we’ve been hanging out, i just remember how we’re practically always on the same wavelength. i cant talk to anyone else the way i talk to her. we get mad over the same inconsequential shit in some stranger’s tik tok. we both experience the generosity we will show our friends and not receive in return. we just understand. i can’t find that same comfort in any other friend.

not to get sappy but i just remember how much friends seem to be a priority when you’re a kid over your family. with a friend you get to have innocent fun all the time. but now that im older and aware, its hard to click with people. i have come to realize how much more important family is and its sad that people online struggle so much with their own families. whether its because they are being treated unjustly, or they themselves haven’t developed to recognize the importance, i hope they can find that same connection.

idk what this is supposed to be so i will just end it here.

[cliffheath]

quiero practicar mi espanol mas con frequencia para mi vocabulario no es bueno. it is stunting i tell u! quiero piensar en espanol todo al tiempo, no se por que, it just has been scratching an itch in my brain recently that english doesn't. yo vi un episode de los simpsons y mientras tuve un tiempo dificil poco escuchar, yo pasarlo bien. "oh margo llegaste mi vida volando..."

[cliffheath]

Why must I always fall apart whilst asleep? I hate being forced to put myself together in the morning, and I hate that it’s a solo job. I’m the only one who can do it! It’s such a burden to get to that point of feeling normal (physically, to be presentable), and often the results aren’t even worthwhile..

me this is me this is me if u even care

[cliffheath]

I want to go back to England. I want to go to Ireland. I want to go to Scotland. I want to go to France. I want to go to Spain. I want to go to go to Romania. I want to go to Russia. I want to go to China. I want to go to Japan. I want to go to Mexico. I want to go to Brazil. I want it all so badly, I want to be elsewhere, I want to see it all so badly. I need it.

[cliffheath]

what the fuck am i supposed to do after this semester ends.

go to law school? away from everyone? be on my own for real this time? i’m sad

[cliffheath]

i’d rather have a gut-wrenching nightmare that preys on subconscious fears, ones that i wasn’t even aware were real anxieties, rather than have a perverse wet dream that leaves me wanting to genuinely kill myself. worse than any nightmare. makes me feel disgusting. i don’t wake up to my body shaking from terror like a nightmare does to me—i wake up to my stupid body enjoying itself. enjoying a feeling i can’t get from real life and i have no way to stop it. i hate it so much i wish i could eradicate that part of my brain.

woke up to a nightmare this morning which prompted this realization. no matter how scared it makes me, i would choose it every time over. im not gonna talk about the original nightmare anyway because it was actually devastating for me.

[cliffheath]

clenching my teeth in rage. she will fucking pay. i am soft but no longer to her. the next time she comes crawling back i will not be there. we can play these immature games as long as we are bound to one another, but you have effectively lost my loyalty this time. i will not side with you. i will not support you. perish.

[cliffheath]

it is a heavy burden to carry as one who is a perfectionist with unrelenting frequent failures

[cliffheath]

10/02/24 I always feel this sense to conceal what my desired endeavors are. I am paranoid that the mere act of explaining my intentions and hopes will only lead to the ironic crushing of them. I want to go the distance and achieve all that I aspire towards; yet every time I try, I lose. For once, I want something good to come from my work. I am indeed average and ordinary but I do try my best. Won’t someone acknowledge my best? Please let me succeed.

[cliffheath]

9/5/2024 I just know that after this semester ends and I’m denied every opportunity I fought for, my dad will finally realize that I am a failure

[cliffheath]

7/9/24 I wish the summer were not so fleeting; that it could last forever. The long days are not long enough for me. I want to soak up each warm ray and eat cherries to my contentment and laze about and feel fully free.

[cliffheath]

okay maybe i'll post old drafts of my wallowing here too just for fun. for fun.

[cliffheath]

i wannaaaa maybe start posting my writings here or something. i haven’t written creatively in a while and i feel this may inspire me to exercise my skills or whateva :3