clinicallyinvisible - Tumblr blog

[clinicallyinvisible]

I definitely must be having some kind of hormonal mood swing. Downside to no longer having a period is it really is a fucking shot in the dark as to where I am in my hormonal cycle and idk if this is a PMS mood swing or not. Either way, feeling depressed as hell today. I wish I could take the whole week off. But just gotta get through today and tomorrow and then I have my weekend.

I just always feel very alone when I hit these moods. Or maybe it's just when I get to this place I realize how alone I am...

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I'm just really fucking mad. Like it wasn't bad enough he had to break my heart repeatedly over the years we were together, but he has to keep doing it now that I'm not even with him??? Like I wanted to be friends. I was hoping we could get along and still be friends because he was still my best friend for 6 years. And we hang out with the same people in town here. But he burned the bridge when he stood me up that day. I feel so hurt. Why does he have to keep hurting me like this? It's not fair. I'm really fucking upset about it all still. Like how fucking petty and awful. It sucks. I am hurt. I feel bad. And I wanna talk to my friends about it, but idk if I can. Idk if I am allowed since they are his friends, too. But they were my friends first...

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I am still really mad at J for standing me up and not messaging me at all, just ghosting. I'm so mad. But I don't feel like I can talk to my only local friends about it. I can't talk to L about it because that just isn't the nature of our relationship and I don't wanna dump it on G, that's not fair. My friends K&K are both friends with J also so I don't feel like I can really talk to them about it. I hardly feel like they are even still my friends anymore.

Idk it just feels like things are still so unstable. Everything just sucks. And maybe this is just an emotional swing caused by my unpredictable hormone cycle, but I feel bad. I felt bad yesterday, too, but I talked to G about a little bit of it and expressed my concerns to him and he was supportive and kind about it.

I just wish I had someone here I could really talk to about it all. And I just don't. My bestie E has a bunch of her own shit going on rn and is too busy so that doesn't feel right either. My other bestie R lives so far away and has his own shit going on too. Idk. It's hard. I feel bad. And idk what to do.

I am also very broke rn and scared I can't afford to get by. Worried I am gonna have to find a different job that I am gonna hate more than the current one. I am overwhelmed, I think. Idk if I should be dating G right now, to be honest. But I like him so much... He's good to me. I am just unsure if I am in the right place for this at the moment.

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I am crazy about G. Like I am falling so hard for him. But there is still this undeniable attraction I have to L. And I have concerns about G and how conservative leaning he is, politically. But god I like him. I might even love him. Idk this whole thing feels weird.

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G and I went kayaking together yesterday. We both have trucks, but neither of them run right now, so we had to strap our boats to the roofs of our cars with pool noddles and each drive to the lake separately. It was good, though. We had a nice time. We paddled to a little island on the lake. Then we paddled all the way to the other side of the lake, got out and walked up and down the shore a ways, found a cool fossil, and then paddled back to go home. It was really nice. It was also his birthday on Saturday. I met his parents and when his uncle and grandparents called him to say happy birthday they all wanted to be put on speaker so they could talk to me, too. I went to his house Saturday morning to have breakfast with his family and we were together until this morning (Monday), so we were together for nearly 48 hours this time. He stayed the night at my house both nights. Saturday night because his parents were sleeping in his bed and he was on his couch and last night just because.

While I do enjoy my time with him and I do enjoy cuddling up with him, I do also think I prefer to sleep alone 😅 but it was nice having him here anyway and I do like waking up with him. It does screw up my morning routine, but 🤷‍♀️ I think if we eventually move in together it'll be different and I won't feel like I have to wait for him to leave before I walk the dogs and stuff.

Either way, things are going well, for the most part. I am concerned that his political opinions lean more conservative than mine by a fair bit. So I am worried that will be an issue at some point. Though he seems intelligent and reasonable enough. He is a roofer and he has this hat that says "Make roofing great again" that he has been wearing that I really fucking hate and honestly I am embarrassed to go out with him when he is wearing it. I don't think he is a Trump supporter, but he thinks the hat is "cool". His mum even said it was cool. I just hate it. So idk. But for now we get along and he is sweet and I am enjoying this so I will see where this takes us and if it becomes an issue it is easy to just end things since we don't live together.

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When he grabs my face when we're kissing 🥵🥵🥵🥵

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G stayed over last night. Gave me a decent weinering this morning and now he is doing my dishes ❤️❤️ I could get used to this.

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Whenever L praises me for a job well done at the kennel I'm just 🥰

He made a point to tell me today that he meant to tell me sooner, but he has been so scatterbrained and that the place looked great when he got back and thanked me for the work I did last weekend. Feels good to be appreciated.

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Also, something different about this relationship than my previous one is that G has expressed desire to be a provider. J always said he didn't want to provide for a partner. He wanted someone that was self-sustaining. I always struggled to get by with J and had to put in all this extra work so things could be more "even". But G wants to provide for me. He wants to share his life with me. Unlike J, who just wanted me to fit into his life and not take up space.

The dynamic here is so opposite of every other relationship I have been in. This one has great potential to be THE ONE. So I am very excited to see how this grows.

I have been invited to thanksgiving with his family. I am going to have to find people to take care of my dogs while I am gone since it's quite a long drive and we will be gone the whole weekend. Might only need someone to feed my guard dog while I am away. That would be nice.

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When G got back from his weekend out of town he came straight to my place and then ended up staying the night. Except my third dog has recently decided she needs to spend all day and night in my bed so it was quite cramped and uncomfortable all night. Gonna have to get her a comfy bed for on the floor so she quits sleeping on my bed and hogging it. Its not so bad when it's just me, but with a man in bed with us also it becomes a little much.

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Not fucking sure why J asked to meet me at the park at 1030 today only to not show up and not text me or anything. I got there at 1032, waited until 1045, and he never showed. Never texted me. He picked the time. I was already mad when he wasn't there yet when I showed up. Then he was late, and possibly just never did show for all I know. Pretty peeved. Got home, did a load of laundry, got stoned, did dishes, made and ate lunch. Looking forward to G getting here this evening.

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Part of me is scared G is only with me because I'm pretty 😅 and I guess I am worried that any other man would be the same. All the previous ones were. They just wanted to be with me because I'm young and pretty and cook and clean. But G and I don't live together and won't for a while. But he compliments me a lot, which tbf I love because J never did, but also it does make me a little scared that it's only because of my appearance that he is here. He told me that he likes how genuine I am and that honesty is huge for him and I'm not fake. He also seems very genuine so I am probably freaking out over nothing, but I can't help but be worried.

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Meeting J tomorrow morning so we can talk. I don't think there is anything to discuss, but he seems to need to say something to me. If all he wants to do is scold me, I will be walking away. He doesn't get to do that to me. If he wants an apology, I won't give him one. I did what I had to do. I'm not sorry for that. Those are the things I am anticipating. I hope it goes better than that, but I do not have high hopes. Either way, I am not really looking forward to it, but perhaps it's the closure we both need. Idk. I haven't told G yet. He knows J asked to talk and that I was attempting to make an arrangement, but I didn't tell him we had set the plan. He is at a family function today, so I wanna wait until after before I say anything. I also am hoping he gets back tomorrow early enough that we can spend some time together. I am gonna really need it after talking to J, I think.

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I am so exhausted. Been working at the kennel plus didn't sleep well last night. Sore body. Very tired. Need to go to the store. Have things to do at home. Don't wanna do em tho.

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G was here overnight again. He is going to be out of town this weekend, so he wanted to spend some extra time with me before he went. After we had sex last night, he just looked me up and down and told me I am a piece of art. 🥰 He calls me beautiful and pretty and hot every day, and I love it. He is so handsome and sexy and sweet and funny and silly and I just am so happy to be with him right now.

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I think L and I are in a good place in our friendship. It feels like the pressure is off, and I can breathe now. I still adore him, but I don't have that crippling crush anymore, and it feels like we can just be friends now. He knows I am seeing someone (i think, I made implications). And his attitude hasn't changed visibly toward me. So, thank god. I think there are still residual feelings, at least for me, but G is my guy now. I adore him so much, and I wanna be with him for a long time. Things feel good right now.

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Goddamn. This man. He is just wonderful. I am really really falling. And it's so easy to with him. This relationship is so easy. It's so fun to spend time with him and do things with him. Just kissing him is so fun. It's EASY. I just feel so at home rn.