closedsposts - Tumblr blog

[closedsposts]

I don't know what kind of help do I need right now, do I want to live or want to survive? do I want to be somebody or just pretend to be nobody, do I want to stay or I want to end everything, do I want to fight or want to surrender?

// Help by Synuntold

[closedsposts]

Lately I feel like I'm begging for attention. It's sad that I'm craving for love when I'm so full of it, your love make me whole but I was left broken instead.

// Piece by Synuntold

[closedsposts]

"I'll die alone you'll see"

Writing in my diary, I breathe heaavily, I think about my future, my career and you, everything is falling apart and I'm just sitting here waiting for it to collapse. I don't know if I should still need to fight for it, or just let go of everything, does waiting will be worth it? does being independent makes me an empowered one? does being patient with you will make this relationship work? when I think of these my heart explode, my heart stops, my heart aches for multiple reason, and if that happens I wanna die alone. I wanna be far from people who'll I get hurt just because I nearly give up. I want to be far from everyone, far from everyone's expectation. I wanna be free from this battles that I'm not even sure I'll win. I'm scared. I'm scared of my thoughts. I wanna be free from it.

[closedsposts]

Blinded by love received from you, I can't help but only see your beautiful eyes, that always save me from sorrow of yesterday, your eyes are full of wonder, like the color of ocean, beautiful, blue and deep. I want to reach the deepest part like how to you stare, deep and deadly, full of expression, full of mystery, I wanted to get close to those beautiful eyes that always want to speak to me, giving me such desire that I never felt by something, a desire to own, a desire to keep it to myself.

// Your Eyes Tell by Synuntold

[closedsposts]

I never have found someone who can question how deep my feelings are, I was just attracted to the way how you think, the way how you speak not until I found myself expecting less from you and rather just embrace all of you, the flaw, vulnerable side of you, my ideal type of guy is no longer be seen but rather I see the type of guy I wish to embrace, the guy that I want to take risk with. I no longer longing for fairytale like story but rather I was creating a chaotic, realistic future with you, I no longer wait for handsome prince to rescue me but rather I just want to be with the white tee guy that understood and love to be with me. I no longer want a perfect relationship, but rather I want to be with you who can make me grow, and can make me let out my soft side. I want to be with you, for the rest of my life.

// Ten Thousand words by Synuntold

[closedsposts]

we are on the seaside talking about random things and when I ask what's your plan for the future you said, "I want to marry." shocked, I still manage to ask, "I thought you still don't have plans?" you just smiled and held my hand back then. "I want two kids, a boy and a girl, I want my eldest to be a boy so he can be a man enough to protect his sister." I smile because I'm thinking the same. "Can you wait for me?" you asked with teary eyed I nodded. "Please don't be in love with someone else." you kissed my forehead and whisper the three words. "Please don't ever have somebody waiting on you."

// Seaside by Synuntold

[closedsposts]

Save me from the thoughts of being abandoned, save me from heartbreaks that kept on destroying my fragile heart, save me from anxiousness I felt when I feel I'm not enough, save me from loneliness I feel when I felt unwanted, save me from the thoughts of you leaving me, save me from me.

// 11:41 by Synuntold

[closedsposts]

calling upon your name at 10 pm, decided to write a letter entitled Untold, I pour out my feelings thinking that these letters will reach you, there are about fifteen letters and still counting that is dedicated to you, I even made a poem where your initial became the title, ten thousand years and still it's you, who make me smile and cry at the same time, ten thousand words that I want to say, but words can't express how much I'm longing for you, ten thousand times that I wanna quit, but I remember how we made a promise to stay, ten thousand reason to love you, and I think my feelings grew stronger and deeper, ten thousand reason to stay, that you can make me wait until we write again our story, ten thousand hours to count, I know we can make a future together, ten thousand letters, read my heart it belongs to you.

// 10.10 by Synuntold

[closedsposts]

Are you still there? do you still know that I'm waiting for you? I kept my promise. I'm still here. Please come back, I miss you so much, my heart aches when there are days where I don't even talk to you. I wanna hold you, I wanna know if you still love me, all the lonely nights I fail to smile, I just replay your voice message all over again. Hey? Are you there? Are you listening? to all the times I wish you were here, but I'm slightly cheering you because I know you're almost close to your dreams. Hey, love. Please..

// The times I failed to smile by Synuntold

[closedsposts]

I wanna speak my mind but I'm too afraid of what will you say, I wanna share my emotion but I wonder if you can handle it, I wanna trust you but my trauma says no, I wanna be free, but my anxiety keeps on trapping me with pessimistic thoughts, I wanna sing loud, but I think no one wants to hear. I wanna be more open, but I chose to shut the doors. To protect myself and to keep away from unwanted emotions, unwanted attachment, unwanted feelings.

// I want to but by Synuntold

[closedsposts]

But I've seen the worst inside my head, when will I see the good side? that even the people who barely know me, have been already put a label on my head. As if I'am what they think I'am.

// When by Synuntold

[closedsposts]

Another night I wish I knew what you are doing, I miss you so so much, love, I want you to know how much I want to show the world how you became mine, how our hearts connected by red string, how my love flourished each and everyday, how much I'm longing for you.

// Longing by Synuntold

[closedsposts]

I miss you each day, the way we talk about certain things, by laughing at some pictures we found online, showing our vulnerable side, having a time of our life. I miss you everyday. I always pray that you'll reach your dreams cause God knows how much you mean to me.

// Ten Thousand words by Synuntold

[closedsposts]

"Tomorrow"

Freedom is what on my mind right now, I wanna be free from judgments, anxiousness and overthinking, I wanna be free from expectations, perfection, and comparison, I wanna be free from dictatorship, from ignorance and free from people, I was in prison all my life, where myself is the biggest culprit, I wanna be free from myself, I wanna be free from me, from my thoughts, from unwanted emotions, from self-criticism. I want freedom, I want happiness.

// 2am thoughts by Synuntold

[closedsposts]

"Lonely Nights I'm falling"

To all the days I was daydreaming, I cry at night,

To all the days I've been so excited, I'm lonely at night,

To all the happy moments I've seen, I don't belong there,

To all the times you think I'm lucky, I feel empty.

// 2am thoughts by Synuntold

[closedsposts]

"Act as heartless"

Knives were thrown and I felt nothing,

the sting of stab wounds are there and I felt nothing,

my heart catches them all,

Blankly staring and my eyes can't cry,

I see everything clearly and I don't say anything,

Heartless they may say,

Numb they say,

But I silently breathe heavily and wanna be go missing.

Acting like I'm heartless,

I want to be heartless.

// My Archive Thoughts by Synuntold

[closedsposts]

"Safe place, Hero"

I was screaming for help when someone rescued me, is a hero? no probably not. Does he wore cape? no he's not. He is just a normal person wearing a plain white shirt and faded jeans, wearing his black converse and a wristwatch, I look at him and ask "why did you save me?" he just smiled, "when I ask for help you came for me too." I was surprised, I can't even remember that I helped him once. From that day on, I was looking for him. Little did I know he created a safe place for me, in the midst of chaos he was there. The one I rescued became my rescuer. My safe place, my hero.

// Ten Thousand Words by Synuntold