clovapatch

[clovapatch]

I think there’s something to be said about how no matter what I just feel selfish to ask for people’s time. My coworkers are treating me very kindly, and assure me I’m not annoying them. I’m getting invited to cool things now.

But I feel hollow. And a lot of that hollow feeling is the unshakeable selfish desire to want someone to be there for you. It’s a selfish selfish thing to be able to look at how good things are going and be unsatisfied because you WANT something you can’t have. You’re hitting 750 but your mama ain’t in the stands to see it. It sucks. I was that kid and I still am the little kid who’s parents never showed up to the big game. My parents left my graduation before I even walked the stage.

It’s not a great time to dwell on it, but it haunts my every move because how do you tell someone you want to be important to them and that you want what’s important to you to matter? How do you make someone proud? How do you know if they’re even watching? How do you tell someone “I want you here” and not be scared? How do you tell someone “I love you” and not fear the burn that will come with it? How do you say “I need help” and “I need you rn”?

I’m bad at feelings. I’m bad at people. I’m bad at talking. But I’m trying hard every day to get better. I hope someone somewhere is proud of what I’m doing. If not, I hope I can make someone proud of me one day. I hope someday someone will be like “Yeah, I’m glad I know Cam.”

I’m feeling very lonely. I don’t want to do things by myself anymore. I’m really scared.

[clovapatch]

Sharing a body as a demisexual person with a FLAMING BISEXUAL BIRD WITH NO FILTER is very interesting.

Case in point, big demon woman with bulging muscles appears on game. I’m trying to strategize to win and survive the fight. Phthalo wants to make out sloppy style with her and get crushed.

What a wonderful time to be alive

[clovapatch]

High key curious if I have some kind of BPD or if I just have some severe RSD happening rn cause wow I am doing really bad

[clovapatch]

The tragedy of having two bad things happen before a huge moment in your life like ough I’m really demoralized

[clovapatch]

I forget sometimes that eggs are a trigger for Phthalo, so I’ll be looking at Finch or smth and then see you can hold an egg for the event and I get trucked by a bird who is like 𝕴 𝖓𝖊𝖊𝖉 𝖎𝖙

[clovapatch]

There’s something hilarious about Phthalo absolutely refusing to show up when I’m about to be on my period

I can’t believe he hates women

[clovapatch]

YOU don’t have to be perfect to be loved. but I do

[clovapatch]

my besties guilt & grief

[clovapatch]

i wish i was born as someone who could handle life

[clovapatch]

I hope that people see me in their everyday the same way I see other people. I hope that people can feel the rain or see a pretty thing and think of me.

[clovapatch]

someone please talk to me its too quiet its making me really paranoid

[clovapatch]

I think my brain is just not gonna emotionally recover from that time I was told to my face that Phthalo is the best person in my system and that people like him a lot better than me. I know some systems don’t really care about all that, but I care. I don’t wanna feel like second place.

Love Phil to death, and I’m glad people like him. But I wanna be liked and reminded I’m liked too. Sometimes I just feel incredibly invisible

I wish I could be seen sometimes

[clovapatch]

I wish I could be seen sometimes

[clovapatch]

i dont want to be alone righg now but i cants sleep

[clovapatch]

Wanna dissppear for a while

[clovapatch]

I’ve relapsed really bad. And I really wish I wasn’t alone right now because it’s scary sitting here again and feeling this really intense urge to basically drink fucking poison.

I wish I felt like people liked me and the things I do. I wish that I could be enough for someone and not have to basically kill myself begging to not be left alone here. My brain keeps feeding me these terrible ideas and then when I’m with my family they’re reiterating all of it and it makes me just wanna pull the plug on the whole thing

I want people to love me and my art and my music and obsessive lore ramblings. I want to be someone that someone can see and be excited that I’m around. But as it stands I just feel like the people’s ugly duckling. The jack of all trades and master of none. I hate that I feel like the only way I can get people to like me is if I hide parts of myself away and then when they see the full picture I’m sitting on the bathroom tile again at 2 in the morning. I feel like a contortionist trying to twist myself to make myself paletteable to people.

I’m so scared that if I was to chase my dream I’ll meet the same feeling. I don’t know if there’s anything really to like about me, because I don’t ever hear about it. It’s not like my parents have anything to say on it, I’m not perfect enough. I’m not good enough for anyone and I really really wish I was.

I don’t wanna be strong anymore I just wanna be someone to someone. But I really just feel like everyone would be so much better off without me.

[clovapatch]

I must not self isolate that is the me killer